Why do I feel the need to dress.

[Stevie]

I am confused. My wife a I got into a heated argument today. It started over a misunderstanding of our agreement we made together about my dressing. During the argument she told me that her dignity was compromised. I told her that I'm taking the risk by telling her about my dressing. We went back and forth about that and then she asked if its ok to dress then why do I hide it. I am at a lost for words. I love to dress, how the clothes feel on me, and my heels feel like they were meant to be on my feet. But coming out in public in not a option for me. Even though I feel comfortable dressing another part is embarrassed. If it was ok then why don't I share it with everyone. If I can't share it then why do I think this is fine to do. I can't answer this and really have no one to talk to about it. I know that more than likely the people around this stereotypes cding as being gay and perverted. I am neither but to my wife I'm putting myself in that category. She knows I'm straight and love her but she can't understand why I'm doing this. This puts me in at a crossroad. I want to dress but I want to make my family happy too. If I can't dress in front of them then why do I dress. I don't understand.

[PaulaQ]

Why does there have to be a reason? Its just something you feel very strongly, there is a part of you that needs this.

As for hiding it - that's easy, not many people over 40 accept this, and to come out often means being ridiculed, and starting your life over, whether you wanted that or not.

BTW people would be more understanding if you were just gay or bi. I firmly believe this.

[Stevie]

There has to be a reason to justified it. Yes a part of me needs this and never felt so strong about it. Otherwise I would have never brought this up to my wife. So if it was more accepted in public then there would be no issue. But it isn't and yes I'm over 40.

[ReluctantDebutant]

I don't know whether or not you consider yourself a fetish cross-dresser or if you just get caught up in the sensual feeling of the clothing. I can only tell you the conclusion that I came to when I had this existential crisis. I was feeling confused as to why I seem to love wearing these clothes but I could not bear the thought of sharing this with the world. One day I looked in the mirror and it dawned on me that it for as much fun as of the clothes provided for me this is not how I truly wanted to express myself to the world. For being at home and in private this was perfectly acceptable for what I desired from the clothes. It is just simply my private fantasy and it is quite perfectly natural to leave it as such. To not go out among friends and family enfemme was not out of some fear but because I knew that it wasn't how I wanted to express myself to them. It would just have felt wrong as a representation of me to the world. I don't know if this helps. But there is nothing wrong with keeping fantasy separate from reality often times fantasy is simply not for public consumption.

[PaulaQ]

There isn't a reason. It is simply how you feel. There are lots of things that happen for no reason, if you really think about it. Maybe we'll understand someday, but not today.

Emotions are not subject to reason. They simply are, and having no good reason to do this changes nothing about your feelings. There are heaps of good reasons not to do this, it isn't easy.

Perhaps your answers will be different, but for me, as I've looked at this in myself honestly as I can for the first time, there is no reason. It simply is.

[Being Paige]

My wife is not that supportive even though she accepts my dressing to some degree. We also have made some agreements that have been misunderstood at times. I look at my situation as that of being a teenager all over again only being a CD instead. I know that there are times when I push the boundaries and am called out on them. That is why you must always communicate, get the miss understandings dealt with.

[Lovepython]

For me this isn't a option. I suspect you are the same.

The first time I touched the forbidden fruit was when I was around five. I put on a pair of nylon stockings. This wasn't a big moral decision I made. It felt right and I did it. I don't know where this comes from but I consider it a part of me. I have every right a GG has to express my feminine side.

Now as far as sharing it with the world, this is a different matter. Much of the issue is I can't present a pretty version of me. It looks strange and there isn't anything I can do about this. I'm happy with my male body but when it comes to making it pretty it doesn't work. I'm not prepared to embarrass myself or those around me. This isn't something I'm going to share with the world except maybe at Halloween. Same with family. This isn't a part of me I'm prepared to put out there. This has nothing to do with feeling guilty or wrong about expressing my feminine side. It just doesn't look attractive and it's like watching a train wreck. You can't help but stare and say "oh my."

Unless some miracle happens and I find a passable pretty version of me (or maybe an androgynous version), I'll keep my feminine side at home where I can openly express it or in public by underdressing.

I don't think you should feel weird or guilty. There are masculine and feminine people in the world and for many it coincides with the sex parts they were born with. Then there are the gray areas. People like us who although we are born male, there is a compelling feminine side that needs (dare I say demands) to be expressed. The goal is to enjoy it, get comfortable with it, and accept it.

Best wishes to you and your SO. I know it can be challenging and difficult. At least it's out there and you two are talking.

[ReineD]

Even though I feel comfortable dressing another part is embarrassed. If it was ok then why don't I share it with everyone. If I can't share it then why do I think this is fine to do.

Because you've been socialized as a male from the time you were born. You began diffentiating and disassociating from females as early as grade school, when you and your friends convinced yourselves that girls had cooties, and you had clubs with 'no girls allowed'. This continued until your teenage years when you would havd DIED rather than do anything girlie in front of your male friends, let alone admit that you wore girlie panties.

That's why. You knew at a deep level that other males would not respect you and would make fun of you if they knew. You feared that girls would not like you if they knew. And also doing this caused a degree of internal conflict (between your own male identity and your feminine proclivities) as well. So it's really hard to wake up one day in your 40s and 50s and decide to tell the world to go stuff themselves, and you will begin to go out in a dress publicly. There is a great deal of bias against men who wear women's clothing in our society and there can be strong negative social consequences for dressing.

She knows I'm straight and love her but she can't understand why I'm doing this. This puts me in at a crossroad. I want to dress but I want to make my family happy too. If I can't dress in front of them then why do I dress. I don't understand.

I was immediately supportive of my SO when he told me, simply because as luck would have it I already knew someone who was married to a CDer and I knew their marriage was happy. Yet despite this, I also could not understand. How could I since I have no clue what it feels like to experience gender conflict or to want to present in a gender that is not my own? I joined this site in an attempt to understand, and 5 years, 16,000 posts later, I still do not think I will ever be able to understand.

You should ask your wife to join the forum and participate in the FAB (private Female At Birth section). She can read about it if she clicks on the ***announcements*** link in the FAB section on the Index page.

[Stevie]

I don't know whether or not you consider yourself a fetish cross-dresser or if you just get caught up in the sensual feeling of the clothing. I can only tell you the conclusion that I came to when I had this existential crisis. I was feeling confused as to why I seem to love wearing these clothes but I could not bear the thought of sharing this with the world. One day I looked in the mirror and it dawned on me that it for as much fun as of the clothes provided for me this is not how I truly wanted to express myself to the world. For being at home and in private this was perfectly acceptable for what I desired from the clothes. It is just simply my private fantasy and it is quite perfectly natural to leave it as such. To not go out among friends and family enfemme was not out of some fear but because I knew that it wasn't how I wanted to express myself to them. It would just have felt wrong as a representation of me to the world. I don't know if this helps. But there is nothing wrong with keeping fantasy separate from reality often times fantasy is simply not for public consumption.

It started as a fetish but has changed over the years. I don't have any desire to share this with society. I try to explain this to my wife but it keeps coming up if I can't tell others then how can say this is ok. I already told her that I only want to dress in private but it's not enough.

[Stevie]

Thank you Lovepython I agree with what you say, but my wife is throwing everything at me to make this as unpleasant as possible. I realized this is me and I enjoy it. Wish I can feel better about it. It's not fun with all the arguments.

[PaulaQ]

It started as a fetish but has changed over the years. I don't have any desire to share this with society. I try to explain this to my wife but it keeps coming up if I can't tell others then how can say this is ok. I already told her that I only want to dress in private but it's not enough.

Sometimes people are unfair and you have to lie to protect yourself. There are plenty of historical examples of this.

[Stevie]

Because you've been socialized as a male from the time you were born. You began diffentiating and disassociating from females as early as grade school, when you and your friends convinced yourselves that girls had cooties, and you had clubs with 'no girls allowed'. This continued until your teenage years when you would havd DIED rather than do anything girlie in front of your male friends, let alone admit that you wore girlie panties.

That's why. You knew at a deep level that other males would not respect you and would make fun of you if they knew. You feared that girls would not like you if they knew. And also doing this caused a degree of internal conflict (between your own male identity and your feminine proclivities) as well. So it's really hard to wake up one day in your 40s and 50s and decide to tell the world to go stuff themselves, and you will begin to go out in a dress publicly. There is a great deal of bias against men who wear women's clothing in our society and there can be strong negative social consequences for dressing.

You should ask your wife to join the forum and participate in the FAB (private Female At Birth section). She can read about it if she clicks on the ***announcements*** link in the FAB section on the Index page.

Reine you are correct. That's why my mind is in a tailspin right now. That did happen when I was growing up.
I can't show my wife this site. She will take it as going behind her back. That will make it worst for me. We both feel counseling will be bad too because we don't want people around here to know what I like to do. I do communicate the suggestions I get from here they have been helpful.

[nhlighthouse]

Very well put and I believe you hit the nail on the head!

[Jenniferathome]

I am confused. I want to dress but I want to make my family happy too. If I can't dress in front of them then why do I dress. I don't understand.

THAT is the conversation you need to have with your wife. There is not one answer. By the way, there can be no misunderstanding of the agreement if you really discussed it in detail. Go back to square one. Discuss the boundaries SHE can abide.

Good luck.

[ReluctantDebutant]

I don't know if there is any external source of justification that would convince your wife that this is something you have to do. This whole crossdressing thing can look crazy to someone who doesn't have anything similar going on inside them. All I can say is to try and better illustrate how this thing called Cross-dressing can make you feel. Explain to her that it is driven by emotion and not reason and in private and not out in public is as far as the emotion will take you.

[Jenny Gurl]

It almost sounds like she does not want you to be found out as it would embarrass her, so she tries to embarrass you enough to make you want to stop. When she asks why you don't go public it sounds like she is asking you to consider how embarrassing it would be for you. Some women get part of their identities from their husbands. Example, when they introduce their husband they like to use their titles. This is my husband the "doctor" "architect" "Pilot" etc. A woman in contrast does not wish to be thought of as less of a person because their husband is less of what society considers a "man". They would be as embarrassed for us to be found out as we would. I have never heard a woman introduce their husband as "this is my husband, he likes to wear women's clothing". There's an old saying, when you tell someone you are in the closet and ask them to keep your secret, you bring them into the closet with you. They then feel the need to hide these things too. I would respect the fact that she doesn't want to be embarrassed by you going public. We all know society does not yet accept gender variations nor do they understand it. This is why you chose to keep it secret. If you lived in a place that was heavily accepting and had many more public cross dressers, it might be less of a problem. A place like San Francisco or Key West Florida and you might have less of a problem. A place in the bible belt and there is much more pressure to conceal your dressing desires. They are real, they are probably permanent, and they can be harnessed for your benefit.

[Stevie]

THAT is the conversation you need to have with your wife. There is not one answer. By the way, there can be no misunderstanding of the agreement if you really discussed it in detail. Go back to square one. Discuss the boundaries SHE can abide.

Good luck.

Thanks Jennifer that's what started this. I asked her to dress on outside our agreement and when she said no I was ok with it, but one statement led to another and the next thing I knew we were arguing. I am not a good communicator. Otherwise I would be able to address this issue better. Needless to say I didn't break the agreement, but frustrated on her reaffirmation on where she stands.

[stacycoral]

Stevie, listen to Reine you can always help, truely hugs.

[Stevie]

Thanks Jenny Gurl. She has explained that exact thing to me. She told me that she can't talk to her friends about me and when she does she embellished it. When she told me that I felt like crap. I want her to be proud of me and wanting to dress is not helping. Living in this area has a lot of hypocritical people here.

[allesha10]

Stevie, I am not the smartest girl in any group, and each one of us has to deal with the discussions about our need to dress. I too am at a loss as to whether or not I really want to go out, but I believe I will never know the answer to that question until I do in some audience? Now is my wife OK with me going out, I do not know, we are just in the infancy of me coming out to her and talking though it all. I doubt there are too many gender girls that would truly understand the feeling and need we feel for dressing, even though they might be very nice and supportive. I too am like you I do not discuss Alesha well, but i have a very supportive wife, who I told about this site. The end of my rant is this, you are already working on this issue with your wife by asking all of us fro help, there are some great girls on here, many of which have already responded here, keep seeking the advise.

[bimini1]

Its just a tough one. Often the toughest issues a man can have. It feels so right, but to everyone other than us it is so wrong.

[Heather Daniels]

Its just a tough one. Often the toughest issues a man can have. It feels so right, but to everyone other than us it is so wrong.

Truer words have never been spoken.

[Beverley Sims]

You need to dress to satisfy an urge that only you have.
If you cannot share it with others keep it to yourself.
If you have come out to your wife you have at least shown some honesty.

[NicoleScott]

Because you've been socialized as a male from the time you were born.

Yes, exactly. Why else, when we first tried on that first piece of womens/girls clothing as a young child, did we do it behind a closed door?

[CD_DIANE]

I know that when I dress, I feel complete. I look in a mirror and it seems "right" (not GOOD, but right for me ).

In a way, some of your actions are done to protect you wife, family, (and you ! ) from the illogical ideas of society.

Diane