Why do I feel the need to dress.

[NicoleScott]

i hear this word bambied around every once in a while--and i wonder what in the world a fetish crossdresser is--since it sounds dirty or something,

Anyway, i looked fetish up in several places, and i have decided a fetish crossdresser is a crossdresser ...period. Or, crossdressing is a fetish...period
take yr pick. To me its all the same.

Yes, a lot of folks here and elsewhere distance themselves from anything fetish because it's dirty to them.

And yes, a fetish crossdresser is a crossdresser, because, by definition, he crossdresses. The difference is what drives the dressing. Many crossdress because they have a strong internal feminine identity and want to express their femininity by dressing in clothing appropriate to that identity. Others dress because the clothes and related items cause sexual arousal. Others claim comfort, certain fabrics, styles and colors unavailable in male clothing, etc. etc. Many here said that their dressing started out as sexual but has, over time, subsided in favor of "being natural" to them. The drives to dress are not mutually exclusive: you can have a drive to dress to feel feminine while also having a fetish for a certain item.
Like most other things, it's better to control it instead of it controlling you, no matter what "it" is.

[docrobbysherry]

Stevie, I've been married and divorced. So, I can't give u any helpful suggestions RE dressing and your SO. Whatever workable compromise u 2 can work out is up to u! However, it's plain to see your "arrangement" is not working. And, neither of u have a compatible solution in mind.

U mentioned u don't wish to see a therapist because u don't want it to get out that u dress? That makes no sense to me! A good, experienced counselor will tell no one about your discussions. And, if u need to tell others why u r seeing a counselor, tell them the truth! U r working out some marital issues. A neutral 3rd party mite be the best way to come to a compromise between u 2 that can work!

As far as why u don't want to go out dressed? That's an easy one for me. Altho, I can't answer for u.
Dressing at home in private for me is; a turn on, exciting, stimulating, fun, relaxing, and the complete, uninhibited freedom to dress how ever I like!

Dressing and going out for me is; a turn off, boring(dressing to blend), embarrassing, stressful, nervous, uncomfortable, and I feel like a fake!

Going out in vanilla land dressed? It's not something I'm interested in doing!

[Stevie]

Thank you his wife. My issues were communicating online with a dominatrix and setting up a false Facebook account. Because of them I was in her eyes cheating. At the time I didn't see it that way but later found out there are different ways to cheat other than sex. Amazing she is still with me today if that says anything. Now that I understand is see that I made some major mistakes I don't want to make another.

[CassandraSmith]

Keep in mind that group norming will likely change your values and you may desire to go out in public at least once just to experience the next level of it. However, I'm all for taking your time and whatever level of involvement you enjoy.

[Stevie]

U mentioned u don't wish to see a therapist because u don't want it to get out that u dress? That makes no sense to me! A good, experienced counselor will tell no one about your discussions. And, if u need to tell others why u r seeing a counselor, tell them the truth! U r working out some marital issues. A neutral 3rd party mite be the best way to come to a compromise between u 2 that can work![/QUOTE]
No my wife and I do not wish to see a therapist. They are not going to tell anything that we don't already know. If society wasn't two faced about cross dressing then this wouldn't be an issue.

[Emeraude]

Stevie,

I have been dealing with the issue of crossdressing and the issues it has caused in my marriage for almost a decade. I have spent a great deal of that time reading books, participating in forums, hearing other crossdressers' stories and giving a lot of thought to why I feel the need to dress. I've come to these conclusions:

1. Nobody really understands any of this! That's what all the theories and books and opinions really boil down to, so you would be much better off realizing that and stop trying to figure it out.

2. Despite that, I can't stop trying to figure it out, and I suspect you won't either. But maybe you can stop agonizing over the mystery and try to see it as a mystery.

3. As confusing and difficult as this is for you--it's even more so for your wife. To make it worse, there's no upside for her. You at least get the satisfaction of being able to express your feminine side. There's nothing like that for her (despite what Peggy Rudd may say about the benefits of having a CD husband, I doubt most wives feel that way!)

Here's my suggestion: I don't think your wife really wants you to justify crossdressing. I think she is lost and hurt and confused. What has helped in my marriage is the fact that I finally started seeing things from my wife's point of view, and then I told her I was sorry.

I told her that I was beginning to understand how much pain I had caused her, and that, even though I never intended to hurt her, I knew I had, and I was sincerely sorry for that. I told her I loved her, and always would, and that I was sorry. I told her that this was a part of me that would never go away, but that I was sorry it caused her pain.

You know what she said? She thanked me and told me she would always love me, no matter what.

She also started asking some questions, and I answered them, then I left things alone. I'm waiting for her to bring up the subject again.

Waiting is the hardest part.

[PaulaQ]

Let's say that in the news today, when they linked a particular set of genes to five apparently unrelated mental illnesses (autism, schizophrenia, major depression, bipolar disorder, and attention deficit disorder), that they had instead discovered a genetic cause for crossdressing. So you'd have your "why" - you were born that way, or were at least born with a predisposition, and something in your environment triggered it.

Would that change one thing in your relationship? It might stop your wife from asking you to "change this", but it might not. It likely wouldn't change how she felt about it.

So I ask again - would knowing "why" help your situation in any real way?

[hindy]

I have felt so much like this! Competing with my SO (the other woman). I love my SO! After living with this for many years I don’t really try to be feminine anymore around him. I found the best way was to find the attention I crave from another man, on occasion. It keeps Me feeling like I’m attractive and feeds my feminine side. This way it is easier for me to give my SO what he needs.

[ReineD]

I found the best way was to find the attention I crave from another man, on occasion. It keeps Me feeling like I’m attractive and feeds my feminine side.

There are sometimes consequences in some of the relationships when CDers forget they are married to women who need as much attention as they are bestowing on their feminine selves. And it's sad, really, for everyone concerned unless they have open marriages and both agree that it's OK to have relationships with others.

[Diversity]

Hi Stevie,
I believe that the reason you feel torn about this is that you are caught between societal acceptance pressures and (like a good husband and father) protecting your family from being ridiculed and/or tormented by being associated as a CD'r by a non-accepting society. It does not mean that you (or anyone of us) are wrong, by the way. It just means that we are at the forefront of another change which is yet to occur in society, and that is the acceptance of CD'rs.
My personal belief is that we are people who are 'advanced' as we are seeking a balance within ourselves between our male and female characteristics. At least we recognize the balance needs to be achieved, while others are so lopsided, that they don't have a clue. Our souls are all we take with us when we leave this current life, so it is a much better position for us to have achieved a balanced soul before we go to the next plane of our lives.
Again, I am writing with a belief I have. Many may not agree with this line of thinking, and that's okay. I could be totally wrong, but in my way of thinking, I believe in another life after this one, and by discovering and achieving a balance between our male and female traits before passing on, only sets us up for a better life to come.
Di

[Lovepython]

My heart goes out to you girls. It really does. It can be difficult being in a relationship with us CDers. You deserve a big virtual hug

I know this has been one of my faults over the years and I learned over time to make sure my attention was focused on my SO and that she felt loved and appreciated. There really is an evolution that takes place with CDing. Almost a maturing. During our early stages we are like teenage girls. We don't quite know what to wear. We are very self conscious. Any little indication from an SO that we interpret as negative sends us into a tailspin. We tend to be inward focused and feel like the whole world doesn't understand us.

With time and acceptance (both from ourselves and our SOs) our feminine sides mature a little. We learn how to relate with our SOs appropriately. This is great cause once this happens we can start to truly share our feminine side. Our feminine sides really aren't much different than you GGs have. When the male ego melts similar thoughts and feelings start to bubble through. We start to look for a prettier version of ourselves (very difficult with a typical male frame). We watch TV and look at what the girls are wearing, not to oggle the girls but to appreciate the outfit. We start looking at nail polish and make up and wondering???

[linda allen]

............... And what I'm having a hard time with is I don't want my son to see me dressed so how can I say it is ok. Part of me feels that this is wrong. ...........

As adults we keep a lot of things from our children. Do you tell your son about having sex with his mother? Do you let him see it? Of course not, but you don't feel guilty about it. You probably keep job and personal problems from your son. He doesn't need to know and wouldn't understand anyway.

Personally, I keep my dressing from everyone except my wife. Family, friends, neighbors, and the general public don't need to know. It's none of their business. And I don't feel guilty about it.

It's going to be very difficult to crossdress with a child living in the home. I'm sure your wife is trying to protect him. Assuming you love your wife and child, you don't want your marriage to end over dressing so it's up to you to work this out. Best of luck.

[hindy]

I think many CD want to be treated more feminine than they treat the women in there lives. Think what you can do for someone else and how they feel. It isn't all about you.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Stevie, It's just who I am and it's what I do.

[sometimes_miss]

Stevie, first you have to realize that women define their lives differently than we do. They see their lives as a series of interpersonal relationships, and they often share very intimate details of not only their own lives, but of everyone else's in routine discussion. She sees this as normal. Except, of course, stuff SHE doesn't want anyone else to know about herself. That's 'different'. Women especially feel they deserve the right to know everything about everyone else, but retaining the right to keep secrets for themselves. They expect complete and open honesty from the rest of the world. But won't give it themselves.

We don't have to share everything with everybody. Your wife is simply grasping at any straw possible to support her belief that what you are doing is unacceptable.

My answer is simply I do it to feel normal, whether anyone else thinks it is or not. I don't care what other people do in the privacy of their own homes, and I don't think anyone should care what I do. I understand that there are uneducated folks who are uncomfortable with people like me, who don't fit strict definitions of what is 'normal' to them, but I don't feel it's my responsibility to educate the whole world on why they should be tolerant of others, but that it's simply the correct way to behave. After all, pretty much everyone is odd in some way, so we should learn to accept others 'oddities' in the same way we have accepted our own.

How's that?

[Stephanie Scott]

Stevie,

This is an interesting question because I have struggled with answering it as well. My wife has said, "If YOU don't believe it's wrong, then why not march into church and talk to the pastor about it?" Or, "so if it's not wrong, why would you be ashamed to admit it to _____?" There is a certain logic to it, and as a Christian, there is an extra component in it for me as well. I argued to her that I don't believe it was sinful per se, and I have solid "evidence" and logic to back my position, but I'm sure most of our Christian "kindred spirits" WOULD also disagree with me and find it to be sinful (due to ignorance and misunderstanding -- not hate or bigotry). The weight of opinion in our circles, therefore, would be that it is sinful and that my defense of it is simply a biased justification for my own sin.

Nevertheless, I sincerely do not believe it is morally wrong, but I know that society does not accept this behavior as normal, and in fact looks down on those who engage in this behavior (funny how it doesn't work the other way around for women doing masculine things). That is why I never did broadcast it to the world and why I didn't want to raise the issue in church or anything -- I already knew how others would feel. But I'm not ashamed of the fact that I like crossdressing and that I used to do it (even though I've now abstained for the last 4 years out of respect for my wife and her views). I love being dual-natured (although not dressing is frustrating beyind belief).

I will say this -- if you are engaging with a dominatrix and keeping a secret facebook page, I agree with your wife about being unfaithful. Heck; I just once told a good female friend (by accident -- I didn't plan to but when in the course of a conversation she made many references to being totally accepting of such things, I blurted it out). My wife has since then treated this as a betrayal of our marriage and as evidence of an emotional "affair." Frankly, I don't blame her -- I shouldn't have done that.

[ReineD]

If you ladies don't mind, I'd like to dispel a few myths about us GGs. Please consider hearing this from the horse's mouth:

Our feminine sides really aren't much different than you GGs have. When the male ego melts similar thoughts and feelings start to bubble through. We start to look for a prettier version of ourselves (very difficult with a typical male frame). We watch TV and look at what the girls are wearing, not to oggle the girls but to appreciate the outfit. We start looking at nail polish and make up and wondering???

In terms of emotions, both your feminine AND your masculine sides are aren't much different than us GGs. Human emotion is not gender exclusive and every individual male or female experiences the full spectrum. Among modern males, I think it is only the macho-est, oaf-like, stereotypical male who needs a lesson in ego melting. The majority of the men that I know who are not CDers are regular people just like us GGs.

The only difference between the two sexes apart from the physical differences and biological functions, is sexual preference (speaking here of the 95%-97% hetero population). So if you are coming closer to how GGs feel, then does this mean that you are making yourself sexually appealing to men when you choose to dress in an attractive fashion just like GGs? Fundamentally, why do you think there is a women's fashion and makeup industry?

Women especially feel they deserve the right to know everything about everyone else, but retaining the right to keep secrets for themselves. They expect complete and open honesty from the rest of the world. But won't give it themselves.

This is a harsh pronouncement and rather biased. Both women AND men run the full spectrum in terms of personal honesty levels. And both men AND women run the full spectrum of emotional maturity.

Also, in bad relationships, usually each side has difficulty seeing the other person's point of view and tends to attribute stronger negative motives and characteristics to the other person, than are there.

I'm sorry that you had such a bad time with the GGs in your life.

[Marie_Antoinette]

people would be more understanding if you were just gay or bi.

People put a label on you. If you behave different from THEIR label, THEY get confused.

[ossian]

Stevie, I hope things are well with you and your wife. My wife and I are, it seems like traveling a similar journey. I wish the best for both of you.

[Nyla F]

If it was ok then why don't I share it with everyone. If I can't share it then why do I think this is fine to do. I can't answer this ...

You can't answer this because it is a false choice. It implies your choices are to be completely out, or to not crossdress. The choices presented to you are designed to limit your thinking, or a result of narrow minded thinking.

You can challenge the premise that we only do things that we share with everyone. Does your wife tell her friends every detail of your sex life? Is there nothing private? Do people who like going to renaissance fairs, comic con, or other special interest events have to share this I formation with coworkers who don't share their interests and might ridicule them? What about being selective about who you disclose your political affiliation to when it isn't one of the mainstream choices?

[EmilyPith]

As far as the question why, there are no two brains that are exactly alike, and so there is no one-size-fits all answer. But there has to be answer for you, just like there has to be answer for me.

I am still searching and will not stop until I figure it out. New data is surfacing every day, new studies in brain science, behavior, new insights in learning and lifespan development, and even genetics.

Each of us is a unique blend of environmental factors, upbringing, chemical and hormone balances in the brain, and even the possibility of food allergies that change and alter our behavior.

I stand defiantly in the eye of the storm, teeth bared, demanding an answer.

This hobby, obsession, psychosis, joy-ride, guilt trip, fetish, true self manifestation, call it whatever makes you feel comfortable calling it – thing-- seems to have plenty of similarities between those who are effected by it, but the differences in each case study make it almost impossible to pin down and say to everyone in a blanked diagnosis “you have this and here is why.”

In fact, this would probably cause more anger and resentment than anything. I totally respect everyone who accepts who they are. I need to know why.

I feel unusual in this whole thing in that my wife is totally cool with it. She claims she knew before I did and was surprised that I was so freaked by it. And continue to be.

I don't think there are two of us that fit the exact same criteria. That shouldn't stop anyone from trying to figure out why they personally want to do this. Until I find an answer that makes sense, I will never be truly content with it.

[Stevie]

Stevie, I hope things are well with you and your wife. My wife and I are, it seems like traveling a similar journey. I wish the best for both of you.

Things are as good as expected. I still want to dress and she still doesn't want anything to do with it. Really hope that no one goes though what I'm going through. If you are my heart goes out to you. Besides that I like to wear woman's clothes. They are far more creative than men's. as for the reason why I doubt if I will ever figure it out.