Do You Ever Wonder Why. . .

[SarahMarie42]

You can't just enjoy being a man/woman/birth-gendered? I mean, I obviously understand why, neuroscientifically, transgendered people can't enjoy their birth-sex -- and I, VERY OBVIOUSLY, understand it to be legitimate -- but I am very upset with myself over the fact that I can't seem to be okay with it. Everyone tells me I'm very, very handsome as a man (I don't always see it, but whatever). Some GG friends, whom I've told about some of my future plans, are sad to know that the "man" they knew may eventually be gone forever. However, as a girl, I feel I barely make the grade -- if I make it at all -- yet still feel irresistibly drawn to femininity. Of course, given that I have BDD, and I worry a lot more about making the grade as a woman than I do as a man, I'm bound to find more flaws in my appearance as a woman. It's still inconvenient.

(This applies to all transgender/gender-queer individuals, not just mtf cross dressers. I just thought I'd post it on the largest, most-frequented board on the site.)

P.S. I invite everyone to vent SIMILAR frustrations. Just to get them the hell out xD Every time a girl gets friendly with me, I remember my gender-issues, and know that I couldn't conscionably enter a relationship anytime soon. I bet pissed. :|

[Beverley Sims]

Sarah, neuroscientifically, I think that your presentation as a girl is georgeous.
If others see you as an attractive man, I say go for it as well.
Obviously some of your friends accept you and why not, you are attractive.
Familiarity breeds contempt and as such we never lose sight of what we are in both sexes.
I would have thought your confidence level was high and I think you do interact well with friends socially and at school.

I suggest stop overthinking and play the best of both worlds, I did when I was 20.
Hmm! neuroscientifically?
Did you use that in an essay once?
Get back to your studies.

[Ariamythe]

I think it would be unnatural for someone with CD/Trans tendencies to NOT wonder "why?" at some point. The real issue is, what answer will satisfy us? For some people, not knowing is okay; for others, it's devastating. The suicide rate in the CD/Trans community is high; at some level, "Why?" probably has something to do with that.

Personally, I'm still struggling with the why. Why do I want to risk giving up a good job? Why do I want to risk alienating friends? Why do I want to risk dissolving my marriage? Why must I do this, just because my brain is telling me so? I haven't found the answers yet.

[noeleena]

Hi,

I never had that issue, my birth sex if you like is a mixed one i dont see a problem maybe there was i never saw it & even now
its not. i enjoy my self & most of my life i have, its when you accept who you are & yes i know it's hard for many.

From age 10 i knew & from then on it was live do things enjoy life dont let others stop you, Mom gave me a free rein & that helped a lot .

You said , barely make the grade if you make it at all. , I have to laugh here. because i had so many things lined up that would stop me in my tracks . maybe im pig headed stubbon & just do it any way. no i dont have that as you say feminine ...look...far from it, Iv pleanty of flaws , & you know what i dont hide them i dont try & cover up well sure not with make up thats only a miner detail its about myself as a person. ,

I know others here & else where would be very surprised if you talked with Jos, youd soon find out, even when quite young i was more grown up yet i could be a useless prat did not think, so yes we do grow up , well i hope so, i have just in a way that was to show it was not in the way many we know would have thought, i know how i was percived by most people yet that was not the real person i am.

The difference is i did not change like some i know from a boy to girl , You know our appreance is not the all & end all , each of us is different in looks & dont think just because im a female i have it all iv been told not all of us have that female look & even some of us from birth dont & i know others who are female dont , the thing is & yes im harder on myself because of that , we really dont need to.

The hard part is we are not to put our selfs down & be so hard on our selfs that we can not enjoy who we are & what we have & i mean body wise , we can build on what we have & that strength comes from deep in side of us,

To make the grade as a male i know many can they too need to accept who they are, i cant because i was never a male .

As a female / woman thats from birth as to my woman side i had to grow as one it was not a... wont... it was this is who i am.

...noeleena...

[Cheryl T]

I gave up wondering about that years ago when I finally accepted myself for who I am....

[CynthiaD]

I look much better as a man than as a woman.

But I look like a man!

[SarahMarie42]

Exactly, Cynthia! xD

Funny thing is, since I have all of these obsessive body-issues. . . I inevitably start hating my appearance as a male when I pretend I don't have gender issues. I'm ALWAYS focusing on the primarily effeminate features of my male appearance, and tend to hate any over-masculinization (I cry like a little girl each time I have to get my hair cut ._.).

But yeah, just frustrating that things don't perfectly line up all of the time (even if it is mostly in my head). We ALL have that complaint, obviously.

I mean, regardless of how feminine one is -- if they are fully TS, they still have to deal with being flat-chested and having what will hitherto be referred to (by me) as a "dangler"! At least until they get all that fixed n.n

[kimdl93]

I'm way past the point of being frustrated by things which I cannot control. It's a total waste of energy and time. I might as well wish to win a lottery, or wish I'd been borne a Rockefeller. So instead, I live the life I have and try to do the things that I find fulfilling. I dress up and get out there. I don't obsess about not being pretty or petite. I don't avoid people for fear of rejection or ridicule. My advice for those feeling frustration bordering on despair is to do what you can to make your life better rather than dwelling on the things you can't change...and remember you can change a lot of things if you try.

[ArleneRaquel]

Wondering only leads to doubt, depression, and anger. That is not for moi, and I love who I am.

[PaulaQ]

There really is no point to "why". Oh sure, "why" is really interesting in the abstract. I love asking "why" about all manner of things.

However, in my personal experience, getting the answer "why" for any number of personal issues doesn't usually end up making much difference.

"What am I going to do about it?" is usually a more productive line of thought, in my view. I guess if "why" helps you converge on a course of action, then it's helpful to ask it.

Every time a girl gets friendly with me, I remember my gender-issues, and know that I couldn't conscionably enter a relationship anytime soon.

Look - you don't have to marry them. You don't even have to move in with them. Don't do that - at least not without dealing with this. But anything short of that? Hey, you're young and life is short and even if you didn't have this issue - most of the girls you date you wouldn't marry anyway, or they wouldn't marry you, or both. That's just how it goes. Going on a few dates would hurt what exactly?

You are young. Go have fun with whoever you choose to have fun with. If you don't feel you can let it get serious (understandable), then don't let it get serious and break it off if that starts to happen. (Or at least have a talk with them about the issue then.) That's what being young is for!

edit: I forgot to answer the question.

No, I don't wonder why this happened to me. I mostly wonder what in the world is happening to me, and what I'm going to do about it. I have several other things that I've asked "why" about in my life. There is no answer for most of them.

[noeleena]

Hi,

This ? of why. something as a kid i never ever asked because i knew what i was now for a backwards kid that was something .

I accepted with out a dought who i was, now the why ? how the hell did i know. i just knew & that was it, no doughts not even a tiny little ? nothing. yes well im mad or weird so maybe that was a good thing .

Once you accept your self the battle is over its then a mop up time put things in order & then live your life , if you dont no one else can, you just lose it,
When you self dought your self its very hard to accept who you are.

Sarah , you know what you need to do..... stop.... looking inwards .....stop looking at the outer apprance the more you look at those the less youll get past the hurdle you keep putting in front of you.

My biggest fear & theres not much that stop's me . was not being acceptred as a person & as a woman. now iv years of that, i never liked how i looked all my bloody life, then & now. i struggle continuily with it i dont well , look right, only 55 years of that out of 65.

& you know what im a female, who has grown into a woman. try that on then youll understand how i feel. oh yes i have a long list of ...not right's. Yet had i put all that in front of myself i would not be here now writeing about it, so i do understand what its like ..........

...noeleena...

[Ariamythe]

You are young. Go have fun with whoever you choose to have fun with. If you don't feel you can let it get serious (understandable), then don't let it get serious and break it off if that starts to happen. (Or at least have a talk with them about the issue then.) That's what being young is for!

This. A thousand times this. Don't try to lock it away or deny it or hide it until you're in your thirties or forties. You'll just regret the lost time.

[sandra-leigh]

One of the few things I regret in my life is "the one who got away" when I was about that age. I handled it really badly. 25+ years later I still miss her.

But -- if I hadn't been open to "seeing how things go", I would never have had the good times with her. Those times were valuable and precious for themselves, even if they were going to end some-day.

Don't go around asking everyone in sight, but if you find yourself drawn to someone, and they seem to enjoy your company, you can ask to spend time with them.

If your intention is not to spend your life alone if/when you transition, then you will at some point be looking for someone who can accept you as you are. That accepting person could be in the next study carrel now; there is no Rule in life that says that accepting partners must a long time from now and far far away.

[Angela Campbell]

I used to wonder why I am like this. I decided that even if I knew why what difference would it make. I decided instead to choose what to do with what I have. It is better to make choices about where I am going and make plans on how to get there than to sit around and wonder about something I cannot change, even if I wanted to. Well I was dealt this hand of cards and it is up to me to play them.

[docrobbysherry]

Sarah, u don't have to "settle" for the way u look. Not in this day and age! There r countless girls getting cosmetic work done. But, u don't even have to do that! U can CHEAT like I and 1000's of other girls do. U may never be satisfied with your looks. Most of us aren't. But, there's almost always something u can do to improve your looks. I'm a 60 y/o man. And, have long ago given up trying to look good as one. But, I'll NEVER give up trying to make Sherry look better!

Sarah, neuroscientifically, I think that your presentation as a girl is great!
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Well, I'm confused, Bev! How do u know she looks good? I don't see any photos of Sarah on her profile or avatar.

This. A thousand times this. Don't try to lock it away or deny it or hide it until you're in your thirties or forties. You'll just regret the lost time.

That's great advice, Ariamy! I didn't start dressing until my 50's and I'm constantly trying to make up for lost time!

[SarahMarie42]

I used to have pictures, Sherry. xD

Up until about 24 hours ago. I had a body dysmorphic episode and deleted my profile picture and my avatar in shame over what I perceived to be my highly disfigured appearance. That's all. I'll put them back up to keep everything consistent, I suppose.