What I would like to hear is what kind of compromises you and your spouse have made in terms of cross dressing from those who spouses are not the happiest with the arrangement. From underdressing, times, amounts, what you can and cannot wear, etc... Trying to come up with an amicable compromise as to what I can and cannot do in my relationship.
Thanks in advance!
Last edited by Jenni Yumiko; 03-05-2013 at 11:49 AM. Reason: Edited harshness as I'm in a craptastic mood
You need to better define 'willing participant'. I can look at you question from several different points of view, yet you are telling us you only want one. If you can be a little clearer, you can get some better answers.
(Kristi in the NW subs)
Haha, sorry I was just trying to avoid the self feeding, "my life is..." Replies. All too often I see posts where people ask serious questions only to answered with my spouse does this, my life is better than yours type posts.
My wife and I are trying to come up with a compromise in terms of dressing.
I like to cpletely underdress most of the time (at home) occasionally dress fully sans wig makeup. She doesn't really care to see me dressed in dresses skirts etc.
Last edited by Jenni Yumiko; 03-05-2013 at 09:18 AM.
Dress all I want at home, no dressing on Sunday, can underdress as I like, and have to stop going out as she afraid someone will know Carol Ann. Sad part about this is I still go out and nobody but nobody knows the difference if I am standing in line or looking at cloths or grocery shopping. I guess after 49 years she just doesn't trust Carol to look her best.
Will try not to have an anti reaction to your post because you appear to be seeking real help. So, the limitations I have are almost more self imposed than spouse imposed except for going out in our city. She did call once for a ride, and I picked her up while dressed but it was at night and at a venue where no one knew us. On several occasions while at our beach house, I walked out on the deck and enjoyed the ocean breezes (but not in a bathing suit!). She was not comfortable going out to eat there either. Not too sure I would have had the courage. Best wishes for defining your boundaries.
My wife wants to see her husband more often than Jennifer. So time in girl mode is the number one compromise, but truthfully, I wouldn't want to dress so frequently and this is never an issue. A real compromise is that she will not go out with me locally for fear of recognition. A fear I share as well but would still like to go out. One more thing that I put on myself alone is asking her if she is ok with me dressing before I do. It's really more of a heads up but I think it helps.
I am quiet and shy. My wife wears the pants at our house. Dislkes my cding. After a few years, now she seems to be OK if I dress during the 90 minutes she goes to church and hurries back. And at times, with a bit of wheedling, she allows me to go to support group meetings...if I do not leave the house in drag.
She wants to get a part-time job at a store, but she may not apply, as a job would give me too much time and privacy when I was alone at home. Wants me to promise to not cd while she is gone. I suggested one day per week.
Stay tuned.
One thing I find with deals from non participating spouses its that they are not flex.......
Sorry My spouse is kind of accepting.
I will go now.
I think you could have worded your reply preferences a little better Jennialy.
There those that have accepting spouses now.... and have overcome the problem.
They are the ones with the most constructive information.
By the way, do not take offense, we only want constructive advice, not a bunfight.
Last edited by Beverley Sims; 03-05-2013 at 11:50 AM.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
Yeah I agree I may have worded that a little harsh, I'm having a tough time with this and can't seem to come up with something livable with both of us. I also wasn't in the mood for a bunch of, I don't have a problem, my wife dresses me, my life is awesome neener, posts
Jen, I came out to my wife over 10 years ago, after having been married for one year, and dating for three years prior. It was not easy for either of us. There was a lot of screaming and tears and she had threatened to leave. Once we started talking again, we began to come up with a set of boundaries. I could go out to a TG support group once a month, once a week she would give me some alone time at home to dress, I had to keep my shopping under control, I couldn't go out dressed in public. Over time as both of us have gotten more comfortable with my CDing things have evolved. I have shaved my body a few times (but usually stay hairy because that's what she like), I've been out to TG gatherings in bars and to TG conferences. I've even been out in public (far away from home where I would be recognized) a few times and she's even performed with me in a couple of charity drag shows.
That said, the important thing is that the two of you talk. What works for one couple may not work for another. You need to understand what her biggest concerns are: is it that you'll get hurt, that you'll be recognized and embarrass her, that she won't be attracted to you anymore, etc.? Once you understand her fears, you can propose compromises that address your needs while not going to far outside her comfort zone.
for us it was simple, to not dress in front of her or the kids. Although my 13 yr old daughter found a shoe box full of unopened pretty polly thigh highs. I'm a stay at home dad when not consulting so it works out very nicely for me.
After a very heated moment in time where Miki wanted to be more Miki we compromised that I will keep my dressing private from the rest of the family, not go out en femme around the house and only attend group events a couple or three times a month.
My wife is very afraid of me being caught and it becoming an embarrassment for her. I understand her reluctance but I cannot convince her that her bosses at work are not searching the internet looking for pictures of her husband who has never posted with his guy name. She is concerned they may be using facial recognition software - sigh!
So...the compromise!
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks.
NOW let's go back and do a history lesson from a lot of members on here including some long time CD's. They will tell you we are born with a need to CD and it will never go away, therefore wouldn't it be very wrong and selfish for a wife or SO to tell the CD they can't dress, what about a person being dominated by another and a person's personal and individual rights to choose underwear or clothing of their choice. Now let's put the shoe on the other foot, is it O.K. for a CD to tell his young, pretty, well built wife she can't wear skimpy, sexy underwear and her outer clothing shoud be very drab, plain and conservative? I think wives should learn to understand this lifetime compulsion and accept underdressing as O.K., after all just the two of them know. Conservative fem outer dressing isn't that bad either since so many of our members do it and they just blend in and aren't even noticed. Proof is I just went to the grocery store underdressed with girl jeans and top and wasn't even noticed, dag-nab-it. Going public in full dress, being outed and bring embarassment to your wife and family is not acceptable, but giving the CD some private time alone at home or a car ride is O.K. I think this is a fair compromise for both. Compromise and acceptance on this post has a lot to do with how much she loves her CD husband and how hardheaded and strongminded and unwilling to compromise she is.
Right now my compromise is once a month I get to arraigned for everyone to be out of the house for two hours. This is my third month and I findmmyself getting more stressed as the time is approaching. She originally wanted every other month and I fought for a month.
The compromises have evolved over the years into an acceptance, that there is only one left. That one is not going out dressed in a noticeable manner, which is something I have never really had the desire to do anyway. I rarely fully dress, so therefore the bits that I do don't bother her at all.
Last edited by Gillian Gigs; 03-05-2013 at 02:41 PM. Reason: wording
I like myself, regardless of the packaging that I may come in! It's what is on the inside of the package that counts!
I don't dress in front of her.... she doesn't suffocate me in my sleep.....
I just came out to my wife almost 3 weeks ago and we in that time have gone fromDADT. To I may under dress at home, dress when I feel.safe to.do so e.g. No one at home but me. Where my hose at work and have my toe nails painted. She has agreed that this may change over time (I have indicated I would like to under dress all the time sans bra, she is thinking about it) I agreed not to push the old give him an inch and he takes a mile routine. I can ask for something but have to let her have time to think about it. The one firm rule is when we are in bed Samantha goes to sleep.and her husband is there for her. She has been incredibly open and accepting so I am very grateful she has also changed her mind for the better rather faster than I am comfortable with she is seeming to enjoy it so who knows what the future holds.
My compromise is underdressing 24/7 as long as no one else finds out, and right now while I'm out of a job, I get two days a week when the kids are not around to dress as much as I want. Outside of that it's guy mode.
I can under dress all I want. I can dress at home all I want. I do not leave the house dressed,
and I am not to shave off my Mustache or chest hair. She loves to run her fingers through it.
I am not to embarrass her with my under dressing.
Rader
I can dress pretty much whenever I want, I have assumed many of the roles once considered "Female".....I cook ,keep the house clean , do the laundry and most of the other chores inside the house. My Sweetie has taken over most of the macho stuff, controls the money, and metes out disciplne as needed. I can dress however I please,my spouse always thinks of me as the"Weaker" half of our marriage. All in all we have a very happy marrage!
Danielle
In our DADT marriage I have the opportunity to be en femme for seven hours a day, Monday through Friday, when school is in session. That gives me ample time to basically do what I want. Subconsciously she knows I dress because once in a while I will forget to stow away a garment. Whe you're married for forty plus years you kind of know what limitations one should self impose. I would never consider dressing in front of her because she would find it uncomfortable. I really would not know how to react to 'scheduling' en femme time for two or three hours. I never found that relaxing. It was frustrating and totally defeated the purpose of my being en femme.
I think Jennifer wrote this for me, as this is exactly my situation.Originally Posted by Jenniferathome
I can dress and go out to my local Trans meets, which Mrs W drives me to as well...woo hoo! So I avail myself of the Vodka and Orange on offer.
Biggest fear is being seen out together by people my wife knows, so my number one concern is protecting my wife from any abuse etc.
Plus I always mention that I will dress that day and I text her if she is at work, so she knows what to expect when she arrives home. It's not required, but a pure courtesy on my part.
Rebecca
I have a separate apartment, go out en femme, and keep my male life and female life separate. I specify a time period once per week and that is how it has been for over a year and half now. I am happy, she doesn't have to see me, and if she does, she can, as she has a key to my place, and as clear as this all sounds, it is....and we communicate, communicate and communicate....that is key to how I am working my transgender life...
Our compromise was that she would tolerate me wearing pantyhose only, but she couldn't handle me wearing skirts, heels, dresses...anything other than pantyhose. And even that was difficult for her at first. Of course, for the sake of our marriage I agreed, since pantyhose are the catalyst to my CDing anyway. Without them, I doubt if I'd crossdress much at all, and probably would never have started nearly 4 decades ago.
Ashamed as I am to admit it, I have broken that compromise and dress as much as I can behind her back. I just couldn't NOT dress. I feel terrible sneaking around, because that was one of her biggest problems when she first discovered my dressing...that I had been doing it behind her back. I explained that it was something I'd been doing since I was 13, and it wasn't exactly a subject that could be brought up in casual conversation. Plus over the years I'd closely watched her reaction to any movies or TV shows that had a drag queen or TV/CD in it, and her reaction was basically, "gross".
I think she suspects that I am dressing because she'll sometimes ask me flat out if I am. I can usually deflect the question but I hate not being honest. Makes me wonder sometimes if CDing is really worth the aggravation and stress!
"Masquerading as a man with a reason, my charade is the event of the season" ('Carry On Wayward Son' by Kansas)
Thanks for the replies! It's a lot to ingest, and I'm still not 100% sure what her "turning point" is. I figure we will discuss it after her session with the Gender therapist.
I consider putting just underdressing out on the table, but I'm not really sure it is a compromise. Part of me wants to say to her this is me deal with it, but that won't go over too well.
I'm also not 100% sure I'm out of the woods with the separation suggestion, as per my story in my signature, but she asked me to sleep in the same bed with her, so I guess that's progress. Bree was so right about the up and down!
Posting Permissions
