"Sad part about this is I still go out"
More like to hell with what ever she needs or wants...but as long as your needs are met, that's what matters isn't it CAROL A.?
"Sad part about this is I still go out"
More like to hell with what ever she needs or wants...but as long as your needs are met, that's what matters isn't it CAROL A.?
[SIZE="4"]Momarie[/SIZE]
I think the main thing we should learn from this is to not make promises you can't or won't keep. Hopefully a husband and wife can find a point of compromise, and if they can't, well - they can't.Originally Posted by Momarie
But making a promise you can't keep is the wrong thing to do, in my opinion. Be honest about what you can really do. Try to find middle ground, and if that just isn't possible, then deal with the fallout from that. It won't be pretty, probably, but it will be honest.
And when thinking about this - you need to think honestly about how much you control this - and how much it controls you. Can't speak for everyone, but for me, the pink fog should be a force of nature.
By the way, this entire discussion reminds me of the negotiations between husbands and wives in alcoholic relationships, where one spouse tries to negotiate away the other's problem drinking. That fails about 100% of the time with drunks - and I bet it fails with us too. There are big differences between being a CD and being a drunk. But the sort of seeming implicit selfishness under discussion reminds me very, very much of the way drunks are. Some of us need this - and we aren't going to negotiate it away. (It also isn't apparently going to go away with abstinence either.)
We need to be honest with ourselves, and our SO about what we really can and will do.
Last edited by PaulaQ; 03-05-2013 at 09:10 PM.
Hi Jenn, It's a DA DT as long as my wife don't see it it's ok.
Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......
I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !
If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.
Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!
I don't dress in front of my wife either...so I guess I'm safe. She goes out Wednesday nights and I dress then as well as Saturday mornings when she is out to breakfast with her friends. I'm allowed to shave my body, she let me pierce my ears. She has purchased things I need. We now joke about it and I go out a fair amount. We coexist quite well...I'm fortunate!!!
Another DADT situation here. Wife knows and understands I will likely dress when she is away. I do not dress when she is around. She is supportive to the extent that she gives me advanced notice when she is planning to be away and keeps me informed when she is coming home. Prolly not as good as a fully accepting wife. But for us it is a fair compromise and I am so happy knowing that my wife knows of my passion and is willing to accomodate me to some extent and more importantly that I keep her love and trust.
Teri Ray Rural Idaho Girl.
Sandra, how is this going to play out when she unequivocally finds out? You're lying to her, when she asks and you are doing what you promised not to. Yikes! How about talking to her? Ask to redraw the boundaries? You're on a slippery slope.
I get what your saying Paula, do you feel that setting a compromise is unrealistic in general or that if it is addiction like alcoholism?
Well said Paula but easier said than done I love my wife and don't want to hurt her feelings but at the same time I feel the need to dress too. In my mind I feel hiding it satisfies my urges and her not knowing doesn't hurt. I rather her know and be acceptive but at the time I know she isn't.
Any marriage is based on respect and fairness. I might have an opinion about things my wife does, but I have no right whatsoever to tell her what she can and can't do.
She, reciprically, has no right to govern my actions. I'm lucky that she has been okay with my decisions, including going full time, but I will say that if she couldn't handle it, she knows where the door is.
To give up, or put unreasonable limitations on something as important as your own identity is ludicrous. Sneaking around, and hiding things in your own house is equally silly...do you really plan on living a lie for the rest of your life? A pitiable situation for sure.
Some girls are going to jump on me 'but what about the kids?' Shouldn't that have been addressed pre-procreation? 'But I really love my wife'. Enough to have a miserable life? What kind of love is that?
Don't you have the right to stand up and say 'this is something I'm going to do....'
There is no one size fits all solution to the acceptance issue, so please girls, remember somebody has to be devil's advocate-Celeste
Last edited by I Am Paula; 03-06-2013 at 12:49 AM.
No, alcoholism is treatable.
This is not really the same thing - putting on garments brings something out from inside you. That's the difference - it's inside you already. But the behaviors both have an element of being compulsive to them, at times, at least for some of us. (It is certainly that way for me - holy cow.)
My observation was just that I've watched alcoholics negotiate with their spouse about their drinking - and it never works because the alcoholic NEEDS that drink. Maybe not today - maybe not tomorrow, but at some point they do. And that NEED makes them break their promise, inevitably.
So this is not self-destructive like that - but the NEED and the negotiation and the broken promises strike me as being pretty similar. We're mostly all here because we need this. You can read a lot of examples in this and other threads. I'm just saying don't make promises you know in your heart you won't keep. You may want to keep the promise. You may have every good intention of keeping it. But be real with yourself, and if you know you can't do it - don't promise it. That's all I'm saying.
I can see how arrangements like "DADT", or "not every night", or I need "X nights with male you" could work for some. This doesn't make you crazy like an addiction, and your SO's feelings matter, and some of us don't need to CD all the time, so you can compromise. But I think negotiating it down to "nothing" or "next to nothing" is pretty obviously doomed. What everybody needs is different, I guess just know what you need, and don't negotiate below that. Try to compromise, but everyone has a bottom line. Know yours. If there's no middle-ground, I'd think it was better to know that up front.
Feel free to take what I'm saying with a whole pile of salt though. After all, I just spent the last half hour lying through my teeth. Also, I am 99.999999% certain that I will eat these words later this year.
Stevie, damned if you do, damned if you don't. I'm so there, and I feel your pain.
It's a lot easier, in general, to be a totally selfish ******* when you are a drunk. You can drink away your remorse, and if you sober up and start feeling it again - just drink again. It is a lot harder to be unfeeling as a CD I think, although I'm sure the awesome force of the pink fog does a reasonable approximation for some of us.
It's not fair to marry a man, and have him tell you years later "I actually want to be a girl sometimes." I'm not saying most of us did this on purpose, I think most of us get into these messes with a pretty hefty load of self deception. All most spouses are asking for is what they thought they agreed to in the first place. Many of us are changing the implicit deal we made in our marriage, and we shouldn't lose sight of that. From the wife's perspective, her demands are totally reasonable. (Feel free to pronoun swap that based on your situation. I tried to make it neutral, and couldn't understand what I wrote...)
That said, when I do tell my wife, I intend to remind her gently that I've always encouraged her to try different things in her life, career, everything - I've always encouraged her, so I'd like the same opportunity for this - it's the only thing I've ever asked for. Oh boy - is that dog not going to hunt, or what?
Last edited by Shelly Preston; 03-09-2013 at 05:55 AM. Reason: Merged - Please use the multi quote button
I hope I don't hijack this thread... but ... how do you deal with DADT. It is a compromise but it seems like a time bomb (one I happen to be living in) on day she will see the "don't tell" part and have to deal with it. Its a stop gap at best.
My situation is a little strange. My wife accepts and even has said she enjoys when I shave my legs and wear thigh highs or pantyhose. She loves the smooth legs under the covers, and it has brought spice back to our marriage. She says that is kinky and sensual. Surprisingly she purchased a silk dressing gown and some stockings for me shortly after I came out to her.
When I came out, I told her very specifically that my fetish...fantasy...need...whatever it is I have inside me, involved not just hose but stiletto heels and skirts/dresses. She seemed OK with that at the time but the first time she saw my legs in hose, heels, and the dressing gown (I had not yet acquired any skirts or dresses) I think it freaked her out. Maybe my legs looked more feminine than she thought they would. She said she didn't want to see me in heels anymore, though she knew full well I had purchased some and was OK with me wearing them when I was alone traveling.
A few weeks later I tested the waters when we were clothes shopping for her. She was looking at bandage skirts and I looked for an XL, telling her I wanted one for myself. That went over like a lead balloon. We had a big talk that night and she said if I wanted skirts, dresses, or anything else, she absolutely did not want to see me in them, would not go shopping with me, etc. I told her I would respect her wishes, but that I intended to buy some things. A few days after that she asked what I was doing on the computer, and I told her I was buying some "things" for my hobby. She just stood there, kind of surprised. I asked if she wanted to see, but she declined.
It's been pretty much DADT since then. But sometimes she seems far more tolerant. We went to some formal dinners and she surprised me by asking me if I would underdress with matching hose (asking in a way that was clear that she wanted me to do so), probably because we are always very affectionate when I am underdressed. For some reason I feel very close to her when we are wearing matching brands and shades of hose--her openly, and I in secret--and I think she has come to appreciate an attentive, more loving husband. That's been an offshoot of my dressing. On those same nights she seemed OK with some "shoe play", where we had impromptu "leg contests", seeing whose legs looked better in heels. She was completely OK with me wearing heels for a few minutes, and even let me take pics.
But I have never worn a skirt or dress in front of her. I own several of each by now, and some shoes and boots she hasn't seen. I've ordered some foundation garments, and can't wait to try them under the skirts and dresses, though right now I wouldn't dream of wearing them in front of her. But who knows? The other night she hinted that she wanted to know what else I purchased, but then reconsidered. I told her I would be happy to share whenever she was ready. Today a Macy's Spring shoe catalog came. We looked together and she laughed genuinely when I told her I wouldn't wear a style she liked, but that I'd be happy to buy it for her...
It's only been 3 months. I'm trying to take it slow. Maybe the more time passes, the more she will understand this is a relatively harmless hobby, and she is not going to lose her husband. I'd love one day to dress up completely--with her help--but that day may never come. Time will tell.
I'm out with my wife. She says that I can go out, which is great. I'm outreaching with my local LBGT community, attending my CD/TG support group, and looking into conventions. The only rule I have is to not bring home an STD!
Not sure how this counts with your question, but here goes. My wife is very accepting, yet we have rules we both see eye to eye on:
- No dressing in front of the kids. Matter of fact, we both strongly agree not to let them know.
- No public outings in our home town where I could be recognized.
- No on line pictures of Misty. Big brother could be watching. (neither one of us trust social media with a secret.)
- Share the clothing budget equally.
That's it.
As related previously, my wife went through a period of full acceptance and participation, and for several months i could dress fully in front of her, and we shopped for items together. She could not take that, and now, although fully supporting me intelectually, and knowing i will be advancing, she will not see me dressed. I can underdress to my heart's desire, sans bra/forms. I can fully dress whenever she is out, which is two afternoon/evenings a week. For her peace of mind, we agree i will not go out in our town. I will not leave the house and drive through the neighborhood dressed. I can get a motel room in another town, dress, and go out there to my heart's content. As her libido has left the building years ago (I am 66 remember) I am relatively free to do anything physically that will be covered. This is still new to both of us (started 18 months ago, out to her 15 months ago) so we are working through it all,and discuss each other's happiness/feelings about how boundaries are working.
Barbara
He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
- Friedrich Nietzche -
I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.
My wife I have good agreement. We just end up playing differently. She goes out so I can play and practice. When we first made the agreement it was she didn't want to see it or really hear about it. Lately she has supported me going out and encouraging me. She didn't want me to be in bed with nighties but now let's me wear them when she has gone out. We have shopped at the same time at goodwill and I ended up spending 4 times as much as her . Jokingly said i saw a wedding dress that I could wear for our anniversary. She didn't make a face only asked how much. I didn't check it that much so I didn't know the price. We have discussed heels and sandals. She even laced uped my corsette when I first got it. She will ask whiat I am going to wear that night. She even wrote a profile on another site for me. The other day she said I should post a certain pic as my profile instead of another. I am still hesitant about certtain things around her but progress is being made by both of us everyday. Last night she went out and about 5 minutes before she got home she text saying she is on her way. I'm thinking i got 15 minutes or more time and she walks in and I'm the compter with night gown and satin robe and high heels. I feel bad say that was quick and she she says thats okay. She was okay with me dressed but went into the other room to her computer. It is working for us so far.
Life is too short not to be happy!
There are some parts of our public lives where this part of me is hidden...as from her co workers. And in our private lives some family members know, and others do not.
I can wear anything around the house and even go out dressed when I take the trash out after dark. I have breasts so I wear an plain underwire bra but I still wear men's Hanes briefs. To tell the truth I wear men's clothing most of the time around the house in the winter months. This is in spite of my being on M2F HRT. I do not have a separate "personality" - I'm always John.
John
John (Legal name)
Preferred pronouns: he, his, him
well, I wear panties every day, can attach my breasts and wear them as long as i want, wear my hips when ever, pretty much do everything...except wear my wig/make up in front of my wife.
the only limit that u set, is the one u set yourself.
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