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Thread: Am I TS? Tough love or compassion?

  1. #101
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    Please take the time to watch this. It only takes four minutes.@3:41 - (replace philosophy with trans + a suffix of your choice)
    So, is this to say that you prefer tough love or compassion?
    Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.

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  2. #102
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    well Reine that is the reason...it only matters what you do...but how to decide what to do??

    when do you think EXACTLY (exactly is a moment...transition is real...it is not fluid) is the best time for a person to realize they've made a mistake? how will they know?? who will they have shared it with? how is their wife impacted? their job? their health?
    when does the transsexual realize EXACTLY that they blew it...that life passed them by while they came up with excuse after excuse? how will they know??

    of course these things can be discussed in a therapy environment...

    but talking it through here is the safety zone...nothing really bad actually happens here.. it is the perfect place to get slammed for having a foolish view of transition, or to be told that what you are experiencing is different than what others have experienced...
    you can work it out here before you pay the price of working it out in the real world...you take what you learn here into therapy with you and drill down further...

    whether you like it or not, people are well served to pay attention to people that have been through transition or that are going through it...notwithstanding a couple bad actors over the years, there is not a mean bone in the bunch of women that post here...

    if someone does not like what another says......you still get to do what you want... and you reap whatever consequences happen..

    btw ..
    failed transitions hurt all transsexual women... my best interest is at odds with the Charles Kane's of the world (he went back, see? reparative therapy can work!!)
    its at odds with people that "try out" transition because it just cements the disbelief of others that see the failed transition (they stopped why can't you?)
    ..its at odds with people that go on and on about needing to transition and dont(because they are not transsexual)..

    and unfortunately even the middle pathers are somewhat at odds with my interests because "after all, if that person could stick it out as a man, why couldn't you???" (thats what my wife said after her one couples therapy group)...

    we can all be supportive and friendly but we don't all have to be on the same page...

    This is the best place to argue (if you can even call it that)...i'd call it sharing experience and pointed observation..which leads to better and more informed decisions with regards to what you do... and since what you do is all that matters..
    the "arguing" serves a good purpose...

  3. #103
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD
    The only real danger is perhaps encouraging someone to transition who may not be TS.
    I suppose that would be a danger, if it occurred, but I don't see that happening anyway.

    The demonstrable danger, and one reason to discern who is or is not TS is that without help, too many go down to destruction.
    Lea

  4. #104
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rianna Humble View Post
    So, is this to say that you prefer tough love or compassion?
    I think it is compassionate to demonstrate tough love, as long as it is done in a way that will respect the person and make no assumptions about their identity ... since none of us can ever peer that closely into someone else especially from behind the anonymity of the internet. To me, tough love means honesty and objectivity. Just the facts, ma'am. No assumptions. Trouble is, not everyone is objective. And the facts are that some people need to transition because they have severe GD, while others want to transition for other reasons.

    Kaitlyn, how to decide what to do? Certainly not by posting on the internet. I'd personally seek professional help although the internet is useful in terms of asking about other people's experiences. It can help a confused person formulate more precise questions for themselves or to discuss with a professional. But at the same time I'd keep in mind that someone else's experience might not apply to me no matter how successful or unsuccessful it is, and I also cannot glean everything about a person's experiences just based on what they choose to disclose in a forum.

    I've been in a personal situation where I sought answers that I wanted to hear as opposed to the ones that I needed to hear. This, to me, is the most dangerous place to be, especially when I surrounded myself with people who told me what I wanted to hear.

    If someone asks, "How do I transition", this is a fair question and it is easy to answer. But if they ask, "Should I transition", none of us here is qualified to answer this.

    Lea, from everything I've read in this forum's section and elsewhere, if a person has severe GD she won't be able to keep a lid on it just because she is not actively encouraged by someone else to transition. Her need to be who she is will be too strong for that. Honestly I think the best possible advice anyone can give in this forum is to seek professional help if someone honestly does not know what to do.

    Last edited by ReineD; 03-13-2013 at 04:23 PM.
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  5. #105
    Member emma5410's Avatar
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    Seeing a therapist is essential. I saw one for almost eighteen months before I went full time. She was an immense help but at the end of the day it was not something I freely chose to do. It was a act of survival. Without her help it would have been more difficult but it would still have happened. Now two months in and although I am very happy living as a woman I am struggling with things. I am suffering mood swings and living 24/7 can be a strain. It is hugely different from doing it part time when you can revert to a male appearance when things are embarrassing or difficult.
    I spent a lot of time on this forum, and others, over the last couple of years and learnt a lot. I learnt from those offering tough love not from those so quick to accept everything a poster says at face value and giving *hugs*. Transition is an incredible thing to undertake. Sometimes in the rush to be nice and positive I think that is forgotten. Before giving people encouragement to transition we should think long and hard about what we are doing.
    If the GD is severe enough then no post, however tough, on a message board will stop you transitioning.

  6. #106
    Silver Member Kathryn Martin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    A transwoman is a transwoman by virtue of what she does (lives all aspects of her life as a woman) and not by what she says or intends.
    Reine, I would so totally agree with you. The difference between women and transwomen is that the former is a woman because of what she is and the latter is a transwoman because of what she does. (Just kidding)

    On a more serious note you have only addressed the social, that human interaction aspect of this and left physiology and biology standing in the Reine (oops in the rain).

    If you accept the brain sex vs. body sex dichotomy, then the "what she does" gets taken to a deeper level of analysis. In that area you are looking for developmental gestures the body performs for instance during gestation embryonic development and beyond. Organs are formed in part by their anticipated function not just expression of genes.

    Additionally most recent research in the field of Evolutionary Development biology. It addresses the origin and evolution of embryonic development; how modifications of development and developmental processes lead to the production of novel features, such as the evolution of feathers; the role of developmental pasticity in evolution; how ecology impacts development and evolutionary change; and the developmental basis of homoplasy and homology.

    For instance recent research uncovered that temperature variations in the nests of turtles can determine female or male sex of the hatchlings. There is an increasing understanding that phenotypes are not uniquely determined by the genotypes. Meaning that a phenotypical change can occur first before the gene development follows.

    In this context (and please understand that I am only just beginning to crawl into this) phenotypical variations can occur through environmental factors for instance which means that genetic expression is not entirely pre-determined. Biologically this is the "what you do" paradigm - I think.
    "Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)

  7. #107
    Rotten 80's child Nicole Erin's Avatar
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    I have some tough love, it isn't gonna go over well though -
    NO ONE is transsexual! Noooo not one. Sorry to burst everyone's bubble. I know it is not what people want to hear but there are no transsexuals in the world.
    It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.

  8. #108
    Silver Member kellycan27's Avatar
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    Now ya tell me after I spent all that money ! Some friend you are.
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 03-14-2013 at 12:22 AM. Reason: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/faq.php?faq=main_rules#faq_content
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  9. #109
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    Okay… now do you want to explain what that means? Because I don't get it.
    Lea

  10. #110
    Rotten 80's child Nicole Erin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kellycan27 View Post
    Now ya tell me after I spent all that money ! Some friend you are.
    Look, I am sorry OK? What do you want me to say?
    It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.

  11. #111
    Aspiring Artist Kelly DeWinter's Avatar
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    Wow, some of the posts here really read a gender racisim , re read some of the posts, Why can't people have an opinion is they are not white,black,red,m,f,bi,ts,cd,tg etc) ?, Why can't people have an opinion on an issue that someone else experiences ? It. not like the experience is so unique that a person cannot relate on some level. Rember Soylent Green is PEOPLE !
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  12. #112
    Rotten 80's child Nicole Erin's Avatar
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    I always wondered what it tastes like. Is that weird?
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 03-14-2013 at 12:21 AM. Reason: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/faq.php?faq=main_rules#faq_content
    It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.

  13. #113
    . Aprilrain's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kellycan27 View Post
    Now ya tell me after I spent all that money ! Some friend you are.
    I've been meaning to tell you but you're so hard to get ahold of sometimes! sheesh

    Quote Originally Posted by Kelly DeWinter View Post
    Why can't people have an opinion on an issue that someone else experiences ?
    What's that saying? Opinions are like...... Never mind.

    Experience trumps opinion every time.

  14. #114
    Just A Simple Girl Michelle.M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by busker View Post
    Wrong on all counts.
    Not so fast, pal. You've some 'splainin' to do.

    Quote Originally Posted by busker View Post
    I don't have an agenda
    Really? Let's take a walk through memory lane, shall we?

    http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post2437159

    Here, you beat that "transsexual as gay" drum, and you were challenged on it. And you even admitted that you were doing your "research" on $**male porn sites.

    http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post2924491

    Here, you continued on the same theme and even took it a step further by displaying your homophobia and transferring your own sexual confusion onto transwomen, just like you did here:

    http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post2437368

    And despite the efforts of others posting in that thread (and every thread) to help you understand what is the real story with respect to transwomen you just can't get it through your head, can you? You're just not willing to listen to actual people who are negotiating actual transitions; you'd rather rely on porn, transphobic garbage science and urban legends.

    Yes, I think your purpose for being here is clear. You want to objectify and fetishize transwomen through misinformation and sexual prejudice. Nothing you've done in any other thread seems to deviate from that.

    Quote Originally Posted by busker View Post
    not gay (show me the thread please)
    It was this, in this very thread:

    Quote Originally Posted by busker View Post
    Then there is always self-delusion. I can't admit to myself that I'm gay, and so I'd really rather look like a woman and find a man.
    Okay, perhaps I misunderstood.

    Quote Originally Posted by busker View Post
    The National Institutes of Health don't sponsor garbage medical studies . . . The German's definitely don't go in for nonsense medical studies.
    Of course they do. Happens all the time. That someone got suckered into writing the check is unfortunate for them, but that doesn't legitimize the study.

    Quote Originally Posted by busker View Post
    And in fact, the only reason I replied to Marleena's post was that I thought is was in the CD section where she usually posts ,and didn't realize that when I pressed "today's posts"
    I'm not buying that at all and I don't think anyone else is, either. You read enough to respond to this thread, and anyone (even you) can plainly see that the other posts here have nothing to do with crossdressing.

    Quote Originally Posted by busker View Post
    I never come here intentionally because I know what happens.
    Not buying that, either. So far "knowing what happens" hasn't stopped you from openly objectifying and insulting transwomen on this site. Or are you really unable to learn from your mistakes?

    Quote Originally Posted by busker View Post
    Relying on one's intuition isn't a good substitute. It tends to lead in circles.
    Nobody who has chimed in so far is relying on intuition. We're relying on actual experience living lives as transwomen who are either in or who have been in transition. That you are so darned stubborn as to discount that and to continue to demean us (and in our very own forum), and to do so in such a determined and unyielding manner is reprehensible.

    Quote Originally Posted by busker View Post
    It will be a cold day in hates before I return to this section.
    And thus we end with the classic busker coup de grace! In every case the pattern goes like this -

    - You arrive to the thread and say the same dumb thing you said last time, openly insulting transwomen.

    - You are challenged on your misinformation, but you stick to your transphobic guns anyway

    - You keep on fighting until you're up against the wall and have no further arguments

    - Then you get all butthurt and try to turn your rebuke back on the rest of the forum with some sort of passive-agressive whine.

    And for those keeping score at home, here's what happens next (as it always does) -

    - You'll lay low for a while, a couple of months or so, then you'll resurface and we'll do this all over again. At least that's how it's gone the last few times you did this.

    BUT WAIT, there's good news! If you could just start paying attention to what ACTUAL TRANSWOMEN are telling you about their lives instead of trying to make everyone else fit to your fantasy idea of what we're all about then you might actually learn something and be a better person for it. Then we could all be happy together!

    Whaddya say? You up for something along that line?
    I've gone to find myself. If I should return before I get back keep me here to wait for me so I don't go back out and miss myself when I return.

  15. #115
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Michelle, I feel that I must come to Busker's defense here. I don't want to clog up this thread by quoting everything you've said (in this thread and the others that you link to) and commenting line by line, but just generally:

    In the older threads you linked to, Busker was asking questions in the MtF CD section and not here. A lot of people on the other side have questions and they are not to be slammed for this.

    It is also true that many TSs switch from being gynephile to androphile after they transition. Some say it was because they mistook their wanting to be friends with women combined with testosterone induced lust for heterosexuality... and after they've been on hormones for awhile they discover that they are more sexually attracted to men. I totally buy this.

    Someone made the point earlier in this thread that the percentage of lesbian transwomen should match the percentage of genetic lesbians. In other words, very few transwomen are lesbian. I buy this too.

    Busker, in his older posts that you took issue with, was referring to Blanchard's studies, even though he could not remember which study he had read. It is true that Blanchard believes that transwomen are androphile, and the gynephile transitioners are doing this for fetish. (I'm not agreeing with Blanchard here, just stating what Busker would have read, and what he was questioning).

    In no way do I take any of Busker's statements as saying that he is gay.

    If Busker goes to T-porn sites, this is not an indication of his sexuality. I go to those sites too, I've been to all kinds of chat rooms, gosh I've been everywhere in my quest to make sense of all of this and I assure you that I am not a gay crossdresser. lol

    Although most of us who frequent this side of the forum know that sexuality and gender are separate, we mustn't become upset with others who are still struggling with that concept.

    And last, I have often - OFTEN - clicked on a thread listed in "What's New", and posted a response without realizing where I was. When I was a mod, I even did it in sections that I was modding but was not supposed to post in. Ask the Admins. I used to get my wrist slapped. lol. So it is entirely believable that Busker did this.

    I came to Busker's defense because he said that he wouldn't be back in this thread.
    Last edited by ReineD; 03-14-2013 at 12:32 AM.
    Reine

  16. #116
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Reine posting on the internet is an excellent tool to help people communicate about transsexuality..you are right we are not mind readers...

    the idea that transitioned women come here and gatekeep or try to mind read minds is a strawman and it harms all of us... some of our more incendiery posters are gone... telling somebody to challenge themselves more, telling them that every ts we know has dysphoria get worse, sharing detailed information about what we've all seen over and over, and telling them not to transiiton unless they feel they have to is not mind reading or telling anyone what they are...its common sense

    people are in various levels of distress, and they don't always have access to other transsexuals to support them.... therapists are neccessary and helpful...but they don't pick up the phone at 11pm...they don't patiently listen to long inner diatribes and personally relate to them...ts women have a long history of finding other ts women to help them..

    none of us are pros...but i bet i know more about transition than half the therapists out there...and as you point out all the matters is what you do...so it follows the best advice should come from a practical standpoint...and thats what i see all the time here...
    and if people cant parse through one of our 20,000 posts between us and find the sincerity, the knowledge, and the value there, its on them....

    finally, as you say all that matters is what you do... that's frankly a good description of the ts attitude...

    then logically, since all that matters is what you do, what is the point of women that have transitioned affirming others that havent lived as women... its meaningless ..
    btw

    ...my answer is nots meaningless..i don't buy the linked video as analogous to our situation..we are not sitting here having a I"m ts , no your not, yes i am discussion, but its brought up as if it happens all the time..
    ...we actually are talking about what we are doing much more than playing mindgames about imponderable thoughts

    its crazy...we come here and post that its all about what you do... and people come here and say (paraphrased) "hey stop reading minds because its all about what you do"...

  17. #117
    Senior Member melissaK's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele View Post
    .ts women have a long history of finding other ts women to help them.....
    That was and is my experience. I started exploring my TS issues BEFORE the INTERNET. It was way harder. I can't even remember how I found my first leads.

    I read psychology books back in the stacks of university libraries, I read Christine Jorgensen's book without checking it out (book check out was a face to face encounter with someone you knew), and so I did it on the sly. I couldn't dare be caught reading these things. And so I built my knowledge a little at a time - but when you feel so out of place and learn what you know will make you feel so much more in place, you become a bit driven to do what you have to.

    And somewhere in there I learned about a magazine called Tapestry. I tracked down their subscription address. I opened a PO Box on the sly so my own mailman wouldn't know. I was terrified because I had to use my own name to get the box. I had the magazine sent there.

    What you learned was there were "personals" adds in the back. I've forgotten the abbreviations now, but they would say things like "WM CD 4 talk" or "WMTS preSRS 4 advice," and you'd write the editor and they would forward your letter to the person so things stayed anonymous. If you wanted you could later on tell the person your direct mail address.

    It was through one of those adds I became pen pals with a a couple MTF TS who were actually going through SRS.

    We wrote each other big long letters just like the big long posts here.

    So the point is, Kaitlyn is absolutely right about there being a long history of us seeking advice from kindred souls.
    Last edited by melissaK; 03-14-2013 at 09:56 AM.
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  18. #118
    Member lavistaa62's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele View Post
    you get the benefit of never really having to face jumping off a ledge, but you lose the certainty of knowing and getting what you know fed back to you 24/7... that's just the way it is...


    if you continue to live a "ts lifestyle" it will dawn on you over time that you have given up alot for something that wasnt worth it...and the chips will fall...

    and they will fall on you and everyone around you...as steph and so many others say...it sucks...

    I chopped a lot out of your initial post for this question but could you talk some more about your second to last paragraph (ts lifestyle one)? Are you talking about the stigma of appearing awkward- in a "guy who looks gross or seems off" sort of way or....?

  19. #119
    . Aprilrain's Avatar
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    I don't want to answer for Kaitlyn but I took it to mean, someone who was not really TS but transitions because of some (ill) perceived advantage. To this person being TS would be a "lifestyle" decision rather than a quality of life decision or even a life or death decision.

  20. #120
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    yes april

    i'm thinking about quality of life over the long haul...not just for us but for our familys
    is transitioning or not transitioning going to leave you with a sense that you lived a full life? give you a better quality of life?? its a hard question...its a risk...the rewards are unknown...
    and its human nature to be a poor long term decision makers...so i've been commenting here that its WORTH IT to hashout/argue controversial ideas..its tough love OR compassion, its AND...

    people argue harder over which sports team is better!!!

    In hindsight that comment was not as clear as it could have been..sorry about that!

  21. #121
    Aspiring Artist Kelly DeWinter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nicole Erin View Post
    I have some tough love, it isn't gonna go over well though -
    NO ONE is transsexual! Noooo not one. Sorry to burst everyone's bubble. I know it is not what people want to hear but there are no transsexuals in the world.
    ... LOL sure there aren't . Let's just deny the Higgs Bosen particle while you are at, they will NEVER find it ! ..... but wait ......................

    Quote Originally Posted by Nicole Erin View Post
    I always wondered what it tastes like. Is that weird?
    I think it would taste like Tofu ?

    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post

    If Busker goes to T-porn sites, this is not an indication of his sexuality. I go to those sites too, I've been to all kinds of chat rooms, gosh I've been everywhere in my quest to make sense of all of this and I assure you that I am not a gay crossdresser. lol

    ..... reine , I'm shocked ... porn ? You ! .... you knoy theres probably a 12 step program for that .

    Although most of us who frequent this side of the forum know that sexuality and gender are separate, we mustn't become upset with others who are still struggling with that concept.

    ..... too late for that .

    My main 'issue' with threads on the internet, is that people hold you to your previous posts like you have no right to alter your opinion. Last month you might NOT have liked grapes, This month you changed your mind and DO like grapes, but that doesnt mean NEXT month you will like grapes. People have the right to change their mind, in fact they often do.
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  22. #122
    a beautiful metalhead JessicaM1985's Avatar
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    Kinda funny that this thread will be where I make my first post in about a year.

    On to the topic at hand:

    I discovered this forum via a google search because I had come to realization that I was at least a crossdresser. I wasn't entirely sure exactly what I was when I got here and it was my hope that perhaps I'd find some people that had walked down that lonely, yet paradoxically well-traveled road of doubt, shame, and insecurity. Surely my TV/TG/TS brothers and sisters would understand me right? After all, we all share the same common bond of looking, presenting, and (in the case of TS) even realizing that we in fact ARE the gender opposite of our anatomic sex. There should be that common camaraderie that we all see apparent in t.v. and movies where people who face a similar struggle band together for the common good of all. After three months here and at other forums this fantasy came crashing down in a hurry. I realized that the trans community is similar to just about any other community out there. You have your good people, your bad people, your know-it-alls, your weirdos (in a good way), your weirdos (in a very creepy, almost chaser way), and just about everything in between. In short, we are people first and just because we happen to share commonality of confronting our personal issues with our own gender identity does not mean that we will get along with each other swimmingly and we are just as likely to hate ourselves and others just as much as any other group out there. Case in point

    An incident culminated in my leaving this forum when a certain well known TS here outright called me a $h3-male and told me to consider pornography because I was considering staying as a non-op, and further implied that is all non-op TS are good for. As horrible and blatantly bigoted as that person is, in her cruelty she did good that was unintended though I loathe to credit her for anything at all. I learned to get off of the computer and go out and live life. I have been living RLE and full-time as the woman I know I am for about a year now. Finances and other things have hindered my ability to really move forward with actively transitioning, however the experience has done things for me. I have learned how to be respectful and kind to my fellow trans community members, while at the same time giving them complete and sound advice about things like coming out to friends/family/coworkers/etc., and while I do not lie and give it to them straight, that harsh experience I received here also tempered me some. I have to remember that people are still human beings and just because I may have more experience than them does not mean that I have the right to look down at them or lose patience with them. I learned to take a middle road on things.

    There are also other experiences that comes with being openly transgender/transsexual that you can only vaguely describe to people, but they cannot grasp until they go through it themselves. One of those things is to learn to not let your struggles become your identity. When I first came out, any trans-related humor instantly became offensive to me, I spent much of my time trying to censor and shut down others around me because my feelings were so fragile. In hindsight, the comments that made me leave here, while bad, are pretty much on par or lighter that for what I hear from people in real life. So it would probably explain why I took it so hard, instead of doing my typical palm showing and walking away. While gaining my RLE by living full time as a woman, I discovered that I am in fact TS, however the prospect of surgery scares me because surgery in general scares me. The idea of people taking sharp blades to some of my most sensitive body areas causes a fear in me that rivals the absolute disgust and hatred I have for the male anatomy I was given.

    While I was here, I gave plenty of reasons why I may or may not have wanted SRS (all of them true), they were not at the root of my problem. My problem was that I was afraid and too chicken to admit it. Then of course there's that horrible thing that prevents anyone from doing the right and sure thing; doubt. It is a weird thing knowing that you need something, but your mind makes you second guess it anyways. I need to transition if I'm ever to remove that perpetual internal dissonance that festers in me, but I still get that fearful doubt of "but what if I'm wrong? What if this is just a body issue thing and I'm mutilating my body over nothing?" Doubt is an evil thing that hides behind the mask of caution, paralyzes any decisive action, and it takes a LONG time to actually conquer; if at all. I'm still not out of the woods on it. I still question all of my motives, even if I know that I have thought it through. I have made some considerable progress in that regard, even in the relatively short time that I've been getting my RLE, but I'm still a young padawan that has a long way to go. My personal experience with this is something I frequently share with other transwomen (transmen do not really contact me often, which is sad because I have a lot of love for them too) in hopes that they keep in mind the fact that just because they have doubts does not mean they are not transsexual, nor does it mean that they are. It simply means that they are afraid of something and they have to confront that fear if they are to move forward.

    This ties me back to the main point; experienced TS should give facts and not opinions. Tell people the truth, but NEVER use it as a blunt weapon of malice. Provide people the information they need to move forward in a loving and accepting manner. Just because a person has truth with them does not mean that it is billy club to go whacking people over the head with because "hey, truth hurts right?" It sure does, and so does the aluminum bat that sits in the corner of my room. Just because I have it doesn't mean that I can pick it up and start batting for .300 to every Jane and Jill out there.

    Having said that, saying nothing at all is misguided apathy, bordering on cruelty, and akin to sending someone blindfolded and with raw meat tied around their neck into a room of starving, man-eating junkyard dogs. The world out there is so harsh. Just the other day while going to my Political Science class, I was waiting for the elevator when two males (I find it hard to call them anything more respectful than that for reasons you'll see) that bluntly told me to my face that I was hideous and that I should consider going home and killing myself. As if that was not bad enough, fast-forward about 15 minutes when I went to sit down and listen to the lecture and the elderly black woman that was sitting next to me turned, looked at me with utter contempt and disgust, and moved away to sit at another table. Earlier this year I was at a music venue watching friends from several different bands performing with their respective band at a show when I was pulled aside by security and asked to leave. When I asked why, it was explained to me that neither he nor the owner wanted a man (me) using their women's restroom as there were young girls there and further implied that I was seeking entry to that restroom to gawk at them. (I used the restroom one time when no one else was in there)

    These are the horrible things TS women have to face everyday. There is no escaping it if you plan to transition. You can hold on to that faux-rebel idea of "Idgaf what other people think of me", but wait until you have been told that people think you are using the women's room because you're a pedophile and want to touch young girls and we'll see how long the whole "don't care what other's think of me" will last. I can assure you that the utter disgust and humiliation will send you packing, and it's likely you'll cry your eyes out for days and not want to leave the house at all for a while after that. These are the things newly self-discovered TS people HAVE to know before they make that leap.

    So to wrap up my essay-like response, take a middle road approach of being completely honest, but gentle with people. Make sure they have all of the facts and the knowledge of your personal experience, but temper that with kindness and understanding. Most importantly, encourage them to get off the computer now and then, to go out and live life, and try to gain some experience of their own.
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 03-16-2013 at 05:10 AM. Reason: broken up for readability
    "To deny our impulses, is to deny the very thing that makes us human...." - Mouse from The Matrix
    Love me or hate me, I will always be myself.

    I'm just the kind of gal that likes death metal, beer, and "dad" jokes. Oh and I build computers and play PC games.

  23. #123
    Aspiring Member
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    Sep 2012
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    Jessica:

    Yes, get off of the computer and get out. It's hard at first and isn't easy to accomplish. I've had only one semi-bad experience, so I'm pretty lucky. For a TS, it is very important to blend in, to not be recognized as a man in a dress. That's why when I ask where to try something on and I'm directed to the women's changing it makes me feel good. It's not a big thing as it used to be, but I dream when it ceases to be an issue.

    My dream is to just go about my day as "ME" and no gender issues, none for me, and not directed at me. I don't think any late transitioner like myself can ever forget the were born a man, but to get it out of our heads for long periods of time is an achievable goal.

    The truth is absolutely necessary. That is compassionate. It is compassionate to relate your stories to help others. I do find it comforting to be on this forum, but I also hope I can share my personal struggles and eventually help someone else.

    I think the TG community does represent general society, BUT I believe the TG community has a much larger of caring, compassionate, giving people than the general population. Maybe it's just me, but the good in this community is far greater than the good in general society.

  24. #124
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    6,603
    Melissa I'm gonna guess that comment was Katesback..

    (btw ..thanks for your well thought out and honest post)..i am really really happy for you that you making so much great progress...its wonderful

    since we are on this topic still....i'd like to say that its not really possible to share deeply felt experience without bias or opinion... some of us have 1000's of posts....some of us know a hundred other ts women and many more crossdressers...that matters..the experience informs opinion, and so sharing opinion responsibily is sharing experience...

    and frankly its the responsibility of the reader (and your post is a great example of this) to parse through words and ideas and apply them AS THEY SEE FIT in their own lives...if you post enough, i know your bias and you know mine...we read each other through a filter of common sense...and if you don't , thats on you..not anyone else..

    2nd ....tough love is LOVE.... it really is....too much focus on the tough... outside of katesback and some very few exceptions there is no lack of compassion or love in statements made here...even "negative" ones... there is this underlying current that somehow there is a group here that holds the brass ring and picks and chooses who to give it too...its total utter BS...when people preach compassion, its just such an easy pablum and it distracts us from the conversations as feelings and personality invades sharing of ideas.

    we have sharp exchanges here...you had one for sure Jessica but its a shame that so many are caught up ideas that are not reflective of most of the posts here...

  25. #125
    trans punk Badtranny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jessica said
    These are the horrible things TS women have to face everyday. There is no escaping it if you plan to transition. You can hold on to that faux-rebel idea of "Idgaf what other people think of me", but wait until you have been told that people think you are using the women's room because you're a pedophile and want to touch young girls and we'll see how long the whole "don't care what other's think of me" will last. I can assure you that the utter disgust and humiliation will send you packing, and it's likely you'll cry your eyes out for days and not want to leave the house at all for a while after that. These are the things newly self-discovered TS people HAVE to know before they make that leap.

    Hmmm, this is the real stuff that you only learn when you're FULL time. When you drop the 'almost' or 'except' and are committed to your life as a trans woman. No more hiding, this is stand and deliver time and if you want to silence the "gatekeepers" all you gotta do is commit. If you're on the fence, then we think you want an opinion. ;-)
    Quote Originally Posted by STACY B
    At least there is social acceptance in being a drunk in our world. Hell I was good at it too.
    Melissa Hobbes
    www.badtranny.com

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