Dysphoria for dummies

[PaulaQ]

Could someone either link to a description of common symptoms of gender dysphoria, or perhaps describe them in general terms. I realize these vary from person to person - mostly looking for common things.

I read on the crossdresser forum girls who talk about getting grumpy and moody when they can't dress for a while. I'm not experiencing that.

What I am experiencing is really intense anxiety, and have been for some months. I didn't really connect this with any type of gender issue at first, but it seems to go away when I'm dressed. I wouldn't call this "moody or grumpy." On a scale of 1-10 of anxiety, this is about a 12-13. I am pretty sure I'm doomed. I'm going broke. My wife will leave me any day. The IRS is on to me. I'm a genuinely terrible person. I'm about to lose my job. We'll probably be in a nuclear war soon. I am really worried.

None of those things are remotely real. At least not right now and probably not anytime soon! However, knowing they aren't real doesn't do much to shake these feelings. I am feeling worse right now about relatively minor problems I have than I have felt in the past about really serious problems that I've gone through.

I am normally extremely even tempered, and while I'm usually realistic, slightly pessimistic, right now, when I'm not all floaty and slightly euphoric while dressed, I'm just about in a panic. These symptoms have been coming on for several months, and as I look back, have coincided with my desire to dress more.

Is this type of extreme anxiety symptomatic of GD? I realize anxiety can be caused by many things, and I could certainly have other mental or emotional issues.

Just wondering if what I describe sounds even remotely like GD, or something else, and what are other symptoms of GD?

BTW, I'll be totally happy if you tell me "hey dummy - read this - that's obviously not your issue!" I'm trying to figure out what is going on with me. I don't understand this much yet.

Thanks.

[melissaK]

So are you really lost in a pink fog? Or lost in something else? I guess that's your question.

GD is anxiety, and for me it follows from a desire to be a woman or do something I associate with being a woman (dress, beauty, hair style, conversation, inflection, activities, mannerisms, have breasts, have no penis, have sex as, etc), that I don't allow myself to do.

My thoughts keep coming back to the unfulfilled desire and why I should/shouldn't act on it. (IMHO desires come from the subconscious and you can't think them away).

Revisiting the unfulfilled desire and then redoing the internal debate to do or not do, over and over, becomes obsessive in nature.

When it's obsessive, it displaces normal daily routine thinking, and it becomes a problem. This adds to the anxiety.

The feeling "I want to act on the desire, but shouldn't act," soon becomes "I can't act" for fear of loss of SO, family, job, money, etc. But the desire remains there unfulfilled.

When I feel I can't act, I feel trapped.

When I feel trapped for a long enough time I feel doomed and I become depressed. Not "aw gee, its Monday again" depressed, but real listless, cry in my car, depressed.

Depression hurts. Untreated depression gets worse and hurts more.

It can get so bad I think all I want is the pain to end, and that can digress to suicidal ideation.

I get my sorry ass into counseling ASAP.

You are obviously NOT at the end of your rope.

But, sorting out gender issues is all about you, and I highly recommend you get yourself into counseling to talk about the pink fog.

I'm sure lots of others will have insight better than mine.

[noeleena]

Hi,

You have had or still have issues going back over a few years, allso owning up to your self can effect you as well. hideing things about your self add's up being a lier & hideing things & more so from who you live with , is it only about dressing in what ever form that takes,

Being able to own up take the flack & tell the truth would be in the right direction, how much of your life is in a fantisy land of make belive.

You know what wearing womens clothes is not the issue or problem trying to be other than you is , dressing & trying to be a woman is very different its another mind set so that is allso an issue so takening all in to account theres a lot more going on & that all of the issues that youv said about & others that are not out in the open will have to be worked through, the issue will be, is this you only or is it going to be you & your S O.

I would not even try to advise you with out knowing every thing, i work with people with major life issue's & i can talk with them yet it still comes down to the person concerned, in how they wont or need to go they must do it them selfs i help with the keys they or you in this case need to open the door so they & you can go through, you see i cant open that door ...you ... must, just means sorting yourself out in a way that will help you to be able to live & says this is who i am
,
Clothes dont change the person, you change your mind set maybe only because you are wearing womens clothes, only you can answer that .

Theres another point have you accepted your self the way you are , I mean as a person not what youv done over your life ...you ...as a person.

...noeleena...

[Katelyn B]

For me, it was feeling, not alone in a crowd, but like I didn't belong. No matter where I was I didn't feel like I should be there. It made me incredibly anxious, add to that the million little pricks of pain every day from being treated treated wrongly by people, that mount up over time to become unbearable. It's the aditional pain of not understanding why it hurts, then it's the pain of understanding and the dear of the solution. It's withdrawing so deeply into yourself to avoid feeling everything and anything. It was being repulsed by a body you seem to have, a nagging wrongness about the way it doesn't act or look like it should, it#s the pain caused by ignoring that and repeating over and over in your head that what you're feeling isn't true. It's sitting in front of a computer playing a game on repeat for every single hour of your life to distract you from thinking or feeling anything, because you can't, because if you do it will all fall apart. But that was just me.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Short answer is probabably not......anxiety is just a byproduct...what you describing is not gender dypshoria in my opinion.

words don't do a great job so its very understandable to try to figure it out...

its the feeling of existential emptiness....like you are not like everybody else.. some of the most common words are trapped, suffocated, buried etc..

i had anxiety problems too, but they were not "ts" problems...i transitioned and i still suffer from anxiety, it runs in my family

the fact that crossdressing soothes anxiety is a good tool for you but just for you to soothe anxiety..enjoy it..

over time things could possibly change...many of us identified as crossdressers... only by looking back can i see what i was really doing...

[Frances]

There is only one symptom: dysphoria (discontent, unhappiness). There are, however, criteria for the diagnostic, such as the persistence of it, and an impaired functionnality because of it.

From the DSM:
Long-standing and strong identification with another gender
Long-standing disquiet about the sex assigned or a sense of incongruity in the gender-assigned role of that sex The diagnosis is not made if the individual also has physical intersex characteristics.
Significant clinical discomfort or impairment at work, social situations, or other important life areas.

[PaulaQ]

Thanks all. I have started talking with a therapist. I have so many questions and worries about what's going on with me. I don't understand if I'm just a CD, or TS or what. I have lied to myself so long, and my mood swings are extreme enough that I have trouble knowing what I really think & feel. Thanks. I guess that my concern over GD is a byproduct if my anxiety. I am scared about what is happening to me, this is another product of my anxiety I guess.

I have no idea what I am supposed to be in terms of gender anymore. I feel lost and afraid. I don't know who I am, or what I'm becoming. The world around me seems somewhat unreal at times.

The trouble with anxiety like this is I don't really know if I'm serously mentally ill, or just excessively worried.

Anyway, I'm scared. Thanks for your advice and for listening. Hopefully my therapist and I will figure out what's going on with me.

I have no idea what I am supposed to be in terms of gender anymore. I feel lost and afraid.

Sorry. That is a lie. I am a woman. I want the answer to be something else. But I know that is what it is. I don't hate my male genitals, they have served me well. But that isn't who I am. On some level I've always known this. It is hard to admit though, even anonymously on a forum.

Does that statement make any sense whatsoever? Or am I mentally ill? (really looking for the answer to be something else.)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

well to be honest its a little weird to read your posts in this thread...tying from where you started to where you ended up isn't really matching up..

its like you read the posts and "criteria" and now its a different story...maybe its just pink fog, maybe and part of a fantasy to go all the way, maybe your OP was not reflective of your true feelings, maybe its something else

in any case, thats definitely stuff to take into a knowledgeable therapist and talk about...

[ChelseaErtel]

Sorry. That is a lie. I am a woman. I want the answer to be something else. But I know that is what it is. I don't hate my male genitals, they have served me well. But that isn't who I am. On some level I've always known this. It is hard to admit though, even anonymously on a forum.

Does that statement make any sense whatsoever? Or am I mentally ill? (really looking for the answer to be something else.)

Your naughty bits have served you well? Mine work and I did use them, but it never felt right. I'd have to imagine being a woman sometimes to get aroused and complete the task. And it's always been a task or chore. I hate my naughty bits and want them gone. So from an unprofessional TS who is just going down transition road, so see a gender specific therapist. I stress "Gender" specific if you can find it because it will make a difference.

Good luck.

[PaulaQ]

maybe its just pink fog, maybe and part of a fantasy to go all the way, maybe your OP was not reflective of your true feelings, maybe its something else

in any case, thats definitely stuff to take into a knowledgeable therapist and talk about...

Maybe I should just stick with "I don't know what in the heck is going on with me", then. I don't have any fantasy's about "going all the way." I would never survive the procedures that transexual women go through. I've needed knee replacement surgery for about 20 years, and been cleared for it for 2 years. (I'm finally old enough - yay age.) I am terrified to have this done. I can't imagine going through all the stuff that all of you go through. I'm extremely phobic about doctors and hospitals, and I simply couldn't do it. I think it would literally kill me.

Well, let's just leave me in the "I'm extremely confused" category then. I'm sorry, I don't mean to waste your time. I appear to be troubled and very unsure of what is going on with me. I don't guess I feel like I fit in especially well in either of the sets of forums here.

I have started talking to a therapist, I believe she has some experience with gender identity issues. Hopefully she'll help me figure it out.

I am sorry I've gone off topic in my own thread. I really do want to understand what is happening to me. I don't though. And I am feeling a tremendous anxiety.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

dont be upset...you are going through alot...

its important to work through it from the perspective that its "your thing"...that you are who you are...no matter what the answer is..

it does seem like you hooked into things that were indictated back to you.. that's really for you to work with therapy... being honest with yourself is really hard (especially when you are not happy with yourself)

you make good points that are impactful in your last post...phobias are real...theymust be dealt with...in my own life i dealt with those phobias by not going down the path until my fear of survival as a man trumped my phobias....

you deserve to know yourself, we all do...

[PaulaQ]

I have been really compulsive about lying to myself too. It is hard to discern reality from deception in my own mind anymore.

I'm very afraid the answer for me is "live 24/7 as a woman." I don't really know that's the right answer - it's just what I'm afraid of. My feelings of anxiety are very real, even if what I'm anxious about probably mostly isn't. It makes it very hard for me to discern what I'm afraid of that has no basis, to what I'm afraid of that is actually a real problem.

If nothing else though, I at least asked some questions. I'd been afraid to do even that.

[Angela Campbell]

I can't help you, but if it makes any difference I am scared of this thing too. I didn't ask for it.

[KellyJameson]

You are making a heroic effort to be truthful with yourself and that is always a good sign. It is also clear that you are scared and under extreme stress.

I do think stress can bring out into the open repressed gender identity because repressing gender identity takes huge amounts of emotional and mental resources.

Repression is trying to control or kill that which you are inside so it does not come out into the world.

It is similar to people who know they are homosexual but try to make themselves straight by being heterosexual.

This identity would have been with you since at least adolescence and probably before. I say adolescence because suppression becomes much harder from the stress of adolescence so that is the first time it raises its ugly head even though it was really there under the surface anyway.

I do think you identify as female but I think the stress from other life problems is making it worse.

I would step back from trying to resolve the gender dysphoria right now but admit that you will have to make changes in the future to honor the truth of who you really are.

Attack the problems in your life based on urgency related to physical survival and the absence of money is a threat to your survival if you are having financial problems.

You are too scattered so feeling overwhelmed. This is going to take huge self control on your part to put the pieces of your life back together but it can be done.

Reduce everything down to your most basic needs for survival and try to simplify your life as much as possible to conserve your strength.

The word "focus" should become your mantra.

50% of the world is mentally ill so being mentally ill is not the problem but what you do with it.

Change your attitude toward mental illness because mental illness is the result of something else gone wrong so you are not sick but have been made sick.

I personally do not think you are mentally ill because when you are mentally ill you become so caught in the illness that you do not know it and you do not admit it and any rationality usually goes out the door and you are clearly trying to be rational.

Be around someone who is borderline or bipolar and you will see the difference.

It is a paradox where mentally ill people do not think there is anything wrong with them but that everyone else is sick.

You are having normal anxiety as a reaction to a severe life crisis. Having anxiety is not a sickness because some level of anxiety is always with people when they are under stress so it is a normal stress reaction. Anxiety is not always "abnormal" or "bad"

The fact that you are able to question your sanity and are worried for your sanity is a statement of mental health.

If you are in a crisis with a long list of problems that need to be solved than make a plan and implement it.

You need to be very proactive at this point in your life. Know the true source of your fears!

Your anxiety and depression will lessen as you see progress and experience relief from the stress you are under.

Stay on the forum and do not disappear because in my opinion you will need it in some form now and in the future.

If the crossdressing relaxes you than keep doing it but set aside the thoughts about whether you are transsexual or not for a future date when you have less life stressors.

If you have been or are in any kind of abusive relationship including being verbally abused I strongly urge you to end these relationships immediately.

One of the worse things a person can experience when they have gender dysphoria is abuse from others because you are already internally abusing yourself.

Something has triggered your anxiety. Aging, relationship or health problems could be that trigger.

Ask yourself what has changed in your life to bring this all to the surface.

Have you had problems with autism, OCD or ADHD ? This will add to your problems with gender dysphoria.

[PaulaQ]

You are making a heroic effort to be truthful with yourself and that is always a good sign. It is also clear that you are scared and under extreme stress.

I do think stress can bring out into the open repressed gender identity because repressing gender identity takes huge amounts of emotional and mental resources.

Thank you for saying that. Honesty doesn't come easily to me. I am born to be deceitful - it is an effortless thing for me, and it screws me over royally when I apply it to myself. And yes, I'm scared.

Repression is trying to control or kill that which you are inside so it does not come out into the world.

Yes, that is what I've been doing, and that is a really good description of how it feels inside of me. Male me and female me are at war. For a long time, she was imprisoned, but it is a full on prison riot right now, and the prisoners are winning.

This identity would have been with you since at least adolescence and probably before. I say adolescence because suppression becomes much harder from the stress of adolescence so that is the first time it raises its ugly head even though it was really there under the surface anyway.

These feelings started when I was in adolescence. I may have had them before - but when I was very young I had enough other stuff going on that was traumatic that I probably didn't notice them over the general background noise. I started crossdressing when I was, 12-13. I was fascinated by women's clothing before that, enough that I knew to lie about it. (I mentioned deceit comes naturally to me, right?)

I do think you identify as female but I think the stress from other life problems is making it worse.

I don't want that to be the answer - part of me is fighting that answer. But that is the truth, that I identify as female. I'm supposed to be a woman.

Attack the problems in your life based on urgency related to physical survival and the absence of money is a threat to your survival if you are having financial problems.
You are too scattered so feeling overwhelmed. This is going to take huge self control on your part to put the pieces of your life back together but it can be done.

I am working on my problems. They are really not terrible at this point, in reality. Lots of you would probably swap with me, excepting the physical problems I can't do much about. My main problem and the source of stress that finally brought this on, I believe, was the stress of the financial crisis. The world changed for me. Not in a happy way. But not as badly as others have had it. Still, it was stressful.

If I'm really honest though, my gender issues have been trying to break free for several years prior. If this makes any sense, I think my subconcious mind used little chinks in my armor in terms of my sexuality as a way to break out. I thought for a while this was a fetish of some type - I have some kinks. However, once I admitted to myself my feelings about my gender, two things happened. My interest in the sexual feelings from dressing diminished A LOT - like massively. (I won't say they are gone, but it's MUCH less, and not even really the focus.) My normal sex life, with my wife, improved.

Reduce everything down to your most basic needs for survival and try to simplify your life as much as possible to conserve your strength.

Well, that probably is one source of stress. I am 50. I have lotsa stuff going on. Not all of it is easy to unwind. :/

If you are in a crisis with a long list of problems that need to be solved than make a plan and implement it.

I am working on this. Aside from seeing a counselor, I'm working with my wife on any problems I feel we have in life. My relationship with my wife is generally awesome. She is wonderful, and the love of my life, and terrific to work with to solve problems. I couldn't do better.

Unfortunately, this is part of my stress, and I'm not ready to deal with it yet. I have only tip-toed around the edges of what's going on with me. She knows there's something going on, but I believe she thinks it's a kink thing. I am worried that coming clean (which I will have to do) is going to hurt her, and that she'll feel betrayed and deceived. I hope we'll get through it, because the foundation is solid, but look, I can't NOT feel guilty about putting her through something hard.

This is a big source of my stress - it is good old fashioned guilt. Now I learned a long time ago, in AA, "screw guilt". But this is not so simple. I am worried I'll really hurt her. And I will tell you, if anybody else did to her what I fear this will do - well, suffice to say they'd earn my undying enmity. Unfortunately, this time the enemy is me, so the part of me that wants to go to Defcon-4 (this is also the part that doesn't like Paula too much!) is making me uncomfortable.

Stay on the forum and do not disappear because in my opinion you will need it in some form now and in the future.

Will do. I love you girls anyway. All of you.

Something has triggered your anxiety. Aging, relationship or health problems could be that trigger.
Ask yourself what has changed in your life to bring this all to the surface.

Well, aging could be a factor. I mentioned financial stress. The other immediate thing that made my CD more rampant was just opportunity. My wife started working outside the home sometimes, and our son moved out. (Other one had moved out several years ago.) So I'm doing my fetishy thing, in some lingerie, and I realize "I need breasts."

This was a little different, this wasn't like a sexy thought. It wasn't like "hoo boy, that'll be hot." It was just matter of fact from inside of me - like I would feel about food if I were starving. So I went out, and got fitted for breastforms, and a wig. Putting them on, and looking in the mirror, well, it was profound - particularly after I put on some makeup. I literally felt as if I were looking in the mirror and seeing my face for the first time in my life. The male version of me didn't even seem real. I cried a little bit. It wasn't like I was looking at a different person - it was like my male face in the mirror all those years was the other person or a mask. (The wig was the biggest part of that, of all things. That surprised me a lot.)

Does that even remotely make any sense? Ever since then, it's like something in me snapped, and repressing this is extremely difficult. I feel that I am falling down the rabbit hole. My male existence feels like an act, like an illusion - a lie. (A really well developed lie though - with it's own sense of self!) Things have just seemed, well, a little unreal - it is extremely disconcerting.

The only thing that has been constant are my feelings for my wife and kids, especially my wife. I love her a little more every day.

Have you had problems with autism, OCD or ADHD ? This will add to your problems with gender dysphoria.

I haven't ever. Thank goodness.

[KellyJameson]

Being deceitful to protect yourself is different than being deceitful because you like having the power to hurt other people or the experience of feeling better than them by being smarter.

It is not the deceit but the motives behind the reason for the deceit that should be of concern.

You actually will be very lucky if your crossdressing is driven by a fetish. Pray that this is the reason for what you are going through.

I would trade gender dypshoria for sex and a fetish in a heartbeat and I actually have felt anger at those who can sexually enjoy crossdressing seeing them as lucky.

The problem with sex and crossdressing comes from how we "bond" to those we are sexual with from the dopamine.

It is similar to how people lose the ability to be sexual with a partner when they masturbate to pornography. The chemicals program the brain than to only find that experience erotic.

This may sound crazy but you may have set up the circumstances where you "bonded" with yourself so sexually have fallen in love with yourself as the image of a woman and now are confusing this love as having a female identity.

The other possibilty comes from accidentally uncovering your already pre-exsisting female identity that you did not consciously know you had because you have been pushing this identity down but the crossdressing and than having an orgasm created a "snapping" affect where you experienced sudden personality change.

Religious cults often do this to people as a type of indoctrination.

I would recommend not combining having an orgasm with crossdressing and keep sexual relations only with a partner to "sexually bond" with your wife again

This will than create the conditions where you can calmly reflect back on your past to try and piece together any memories of female identity formation.

Look for instances of embarrassment or frantic attempts to suppress your natural personality as the feminine and to "emulate masculinity"

Look at being deceitful as a self protective behavior where you are hiding yourself behind lies so nobody learns who you really are.

Deceitfulness is a very common behavior in gender dysphoria as a survival strategy. It does not take the child that is wrong bodied very long to fiqure out the world is extremely dangerous to it so to become pathological liars to not only hide from the world but to hide from themselves. I either lied or I did not talk but mostly I just avoided talking.

Lies keep us safe and sane and I used them as a reflexive adaptation for much of my life to kill and hide "me"

Gender dysphoria almost gurantees that deception will be used as a survival mechanism at some point in life.

The fact that you admit to being extremely deceitful just adds to my concern that you may have "snapped" yourself into a gender dysphoria "awakening" which I would think would be incredibly traumatic because I spent years sneaking up on that truth so I cannot imagine what it would be like to have it fall out of the sky like a ton of bricks onto my head.

I see now why you are feeling frantic, I'm having mild anxiety just thinking about going through what you are. Like I'm reliving my past.

Being deceitful is a defense mechanism so do not beat yourself up if you have been or continue to be. Ask yourself if you feel "safe" when you are being deceitful. This very much could be an aspect of hiding your true identity from others and yourself.

You are not f..ked up, broken, sick or mentally ill. If you need to lie to feel safe, do so, but stay aware that you are lying.

It only becomes dangerous when a person lies but does not know they are lying because that takes you into delusion.

I think you may have accidentally lit the fuse on a bomb that was always waiting to go off.

I'm not sure what is worse having gender dysphoria all your life as a continous battle or it coming out late in life like an explosion.

The explosion is scary but at least you had 50 years of normalcy instead of thirty years of a life utterly trashed and unlived.

I'm still hopeful that this whole thing is just about sex for you. I really really hope it is not gender dysphoria because if it is your life will never be the same.

Once its out it is very difficult to put back in. Sometimes I wish I had not fiqured out the truth but it was like some kind of obsession to understand what was going on that I could not turn off.

I kept digging and digging and digging but than I would cover back up what I had uncovered to uncover it again later.

It is no wonder why I thought I must be insane because my behavior was seriously crazy compared to normal people.

I do not know what is more difficult, living with the truth or living with the ignorance of suppression.

I really really did not want to live life as a woman. A person would have to be insane to choose to be a woman. I will never understand why people "want" to be one because for me I was "forced".

I do not even like the female gender so the joke is on me.

[PaulaQ]

This may sound crazy but you may have set up the circumstances where you "bonded" with yourself so sexually have fallen in love with yourself as the image of a woman and now are confusing this love as having a female identity.

Literally Narcissism, as in the Greek mytho of Narcissus - no metaphor required. I will consider this.

The other possibilty comes from accidentally uncovering your already pre-exsisting female identity that you did not consciously know you had because you have been pushing this identity down but the crossdressing and than having an orgasm created a "snapping" affect where you experienced sudden personality change.

You've definitely given me a lot to think about I'll keep this in mind too. I think this is what happened. If I'm honest, I've always felt like I should've been female. I've always been fascinated with the idea of transexuals, news about transexuality, I've always noticed that stuff. I pushed back against it too, in my mind. I will obviously have to keep exploring my feelings and understand this (therapy will help, I hope), but I think the odds are, like it or not, this is who I am.

Look for instances of embarrassment or frantic attempts to suppress your natural personality as the feminine and to "emulate masculinity"

My male personality is pretty fail, to be honest. I'm not much of a "guy's guy". I have zero interest in sports, hunting, fishing, auto-mechanics, almost any typically "guy" activity you can think of - I don't do it an never have. I cry at the sad parts of movies. I've been told I'm "really different" my whole life. I try to fit in, and I tell myself I'm pretty good at it - but I'm not. Stuff other guys do just naturally is an act for me. I don't fit in well with most other men - I just don't and never have.

The only purely "male" thing I've ever been any damn good at is it turns out, I'm a pretty good father. I'm hairy and look the part too. But other than that - there is just not a lot to back it up, if I'm honest. I'm a pretty crappy "guy". (I'm a really nice person - just not much of a guy.)

Lies keep us safe and sane and I used them as a reflexive adaptation for much of my life to kill and hide "me"

I also grew up handicapped. Being handicapped, and having gender issues was more than I could handle growing up in the 60's and 70's. Times were different.

The fact that you admit to being extremely deceitful just adds to my concern that you may have "snapped" yourself into a gender dysphoria "awakening" which I would think would be incredibly traumatic because I spent years sneaking up on that truth so I cannot imagine what it would be like to have it fall out of the sky like a ton of bricks onto my head.

I feel like I swallowed the red pill - that is exactly what I feel like. It's like I woke up from a dream. Or maybe this is a waking nightmare, I dunno.

[PaulaQ]

I'm feeling a lot better right now. As I've reflected back on my life, one thing has dawned me - an explanation for "why do I have so much trouble being one of the guys?" I've always had trouble with this. It is a real struggle. I have never felt like one of the guys. I'm actually, thinking back on it, really bad at it. I'm really laughing right now over how silly I've been. It's just really funny to me. I guess I should be sad, or feel ashamed or something, but I don't. When I think back - it's just the most hilarious thing.

So I think the simple explanation for why I've had so much trouble is, turns out, I'm not actually one of the guys. LOL. I guess it will remain to be seen if I'm any better at being a woman. Maybe I'm just terrible at being a human being - lol.

This is first thing about this process that has made any sense to me, and I feel quite a bit of relief for the first time realizing this.

I'm sure the relief won't last that long - understanding this does not one thing to change any of the real problems I have, or the ones that will no doubt arise from this. And I still have no earthly idea what to actually DO about any of this. (What I should do, what I can do, anything - not a clue.) But baby steps, I guess.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

the first thing is exactly what you said..

baby steps...day by day...

there is no easy playbook to read and you can continue to challenge your own sense of self while taking baby steps to prepare for whatever your future holds..

one thing that is a no brainer is to start getting hair removal done....you may find it helpful regardless of your path and timing...

[PaulaQ]

Well Kaitlyn, I need to process this further, to be sure. Before I do anything visible, I'm going to have to figure out what to tell my wife. She likes me hairy. I'm definitely going to need a better speech than "hey baby! Guess what? I'm a chick! How was your day?"

That's kinda all I have right now.

Getting rid of hair sounds awesome. I don't like it. We'll have to see if I'm too big of a chicken to deal with the permanent removal options. I am a very big chicken.

I also have lots of real life stuff, so I'm not sure what I'll do. First I guess I need to quit being mind boggled...

[Kaitlyn Michele]

dont get ahead of yourself...which is what you are doing right now...

you're right...stop boggling your mind..you have time to relook at everything and consider your thoughts after they sink in more...this is something that is measured in years and years, but you live day by day...its important to separate the two...

nothing has to happen today or next week or even next month......you have to get your own act together as job one and take whatever time you need for it...

[PaulaQ]

You mean my plan to greet my wife later and say "hey baby! How was your day? Oh, my day? Well, I found out today that I'm actually a chick!" is ill advised?

OK phooey, I'll slow down.

I have a ton of stuff to understand and figure out. I have no idea what I'm going to really do, and I expect it'll take quite a while to sort it out.

[Amy Fakley]

Well Kaitlyn, I need to process this further, to be sure. Before I do anything visible, I'm going to have to figure out what to tell my wife. She likes me hairy. I'm definitely going to need a better speech than "hey baby! Guess what? I'm a chick! How was your day?"

That's kinda all I have right now.

Getting rid of hair sounds awesome. I don't like it. We'll have to see if I'm too big of a chicken to deal with the permanent removal options. I am a very big chicken.

I also have lots of real life stuff, so I'm not sure what I'll do. First I guess I need to quit being mind boggled...

Look, I'm not a transexual ... so when it comes to posting in here, lump me in with the "good intentioned yet opinionated crossdressers that drive the TS ladies crazy".
I've followed your posts on the board, and your story breaks my heart because I can relate to where you are. I've had a sip of this koolaide and I know the flavor.

I wanted to say this to you ... life is a process of continuous self-discovery. Who we are changes as long as we're alive. This is true for everyone, but it is more profoundly true for those of us who are one flavor or another of transgender (and there are about 50 bazillion flavors). Embrace that. Don't let it scare you. Don't let it tear you to pieces (because it definitely can).

The epiphany that happens in that moment where you finally admit to yourself that you're not just a plain vanilla dude with a little private kink ... that is a metaphorical brick to the face. It changes your self-perception, and the fallout can seem so urgent, and immediate and visceral. God ... check my old post history and you can see the freakout I went through like a slow motion train wreck. In those first weeks and months it feels like you have to do something right now. I'm here to tell you that's not necessarily true. Cool your jets, take a step back, work through what all this means to you. Take your time. You said you're going to start counseling ... do that (don't chicken out ... I did, several times). A good councilor is worth a whole lot of forum posts.

My heart goes out to you. I hope you manage to get through this rough patch.
It's cheesy to say "it gets better", ... it does though.

[DaniG]

Dysphoria varies greatly per individual. Personally, I think it depends a lot on personality.

I was in a discussion with a transwoman who defined her dysphoria all about interaction with others. She's a very curt and reactionary type of person, a TS radfem, if you can imagine, and so hers was all based around people's perception of her. She hated being seen as a man and being called 'sir' and 'Mr.' I'm a very passive person, so you could probably call me 'tree' and I wouldn't mind.

My dysphoria is all based around my perception of myself. I hate my body - always have. I hate my parts. I hate my shape. Even though my wife says I'm a very handsome man, I've never been able to look myself in the mirror, that is until recently when I forced myself to do so. But I still don't like it. I want to have long hair, wear earrings, and be beautiful. I haven't had the chance to CD yet, although I'm making preparations. (It's though when you're 6'8".) So my femme time is when I can get naked with my wife and she treats me like a woman and calls me by my girl name. (Does she deserve a metal or what?) But my voice ruins it all. I want to get into training ASAP. I have my worst dysphoria in bed.

Thanks all. I have started talking with a therapist.

So glad to hear this. I've been in therapy since the beginning, and even when it seems like it's nothing earthshattering is going on, my life is so chaotic right now that I think it's critical for me to have an expert opinion involved, especially with the decision about transition looming ahead.

I have no idea what I am supposed to be in terms of gender anymore. I feel lost and afraid. I don't know who I am, or what I'm becoming. The world around me seems somewhat unreal at times.

The trouble with anxiety like this is I don't really know if I'm serously mentally ill, or just excessively worried.

Anyway, I'm scared. Thanks for your advice and for listening. Hopefully my therapist and I will figure out what's going on with me.

I don't know you, so I can't answer definitively, but I'm pretty confident you're not mentally ill. You're just dealing with one of the toughest curveballs life can throw at a human being. Seriously, is there anything crazier than being born trans? It's a Hell of a head trip. Don't be too tough on yourself. It's going to some time to get it sorted out. The important thing is that you're in therapy now.

The other thing I'd recommend is finding an outlet, something that brings you peace. Maybe it's your dressing if you can do it without stress, ie when you're not in danger of being caught. Maybe it's yoga, reading, working in the yard, take your wife dancing, whatever. You need an activity that will allow you to forget about the real world for a little while. It sounds trivial, but this will do wonders for your mental health.

Your naughty bits have served you well? Mine work and I did use them, but it never felt right.

I can completely relate to this. I've always said that I've never been "friends" with "it" - long before I knew I was TGered. I've never been happy with, and it's never really served me well.

I'd have to imagine being a woman sometimes to get aroused and complete the task. And it's always been a task or chore.

One of my realizations during my epiphany was that I'd been doing this during my entire twelve year marriage. Huh. Red flag, ya think? Nonetheless, in my psychotic denial I managed to rationalize even that.

Once I realized I was female, I was able to engage in sex properly (at least mentally). Now, I've become a mental acrobat. Hum, when that gets rubbed, it's actually this. When that happens, it's actually doing the other. My sex life has never been better. Of course, I still ache terribly for the body I'm meant for, especially during sex, but it's still much better than before.

She knows there's something going on, but I believe she thinks it's a kink thing.

You might consider telling her that you do have someting going on, but you're not ready to talk about it. Maybe she'll ask some questions that you can answer, and it'll help to put her mind at ease some. I don't know if this is a good suggestion or not. It depends on your relationship, but it's a way to start being honest with her.

I've always been fascinated with the idea of transexuals, news about transexuality, I've always noticed that stuff. I pushed back against it too, in my mind.

My male personality is pretty fail, to be honest. I'm not much of a "guy's guy". I have zero interest in sports, hunting, fishing, auto-mechanics, almost any typically "guy" activity you can think of - I don't do it an never have. ... I don't fit in well with most other men - I just don't and never have.

The only purely "male" thing I've ever been any damn good at is it turns out, I'm a pretty good father.

It's amazing how your story parallels mine. I can relate to everything. My wife mentioned on a number of occasions how she thought I was kind of feminine, but not efeminate. And now that I've come out, it's funny how much more feminine I am than she is!

I feel like I swallowed the red pill - that is exactly what I feel like. It's like I woke up from a dream. Or maybe this is a waking nightmare, I dunno.

It's been a little over three months for me now. Most of the time I'm okay with it. I can say to myself, "I'm transgendered. I'm female. I'm a woman." I can picture coming out to my mother. (scheduled for May) But there are still times I'm overcome with a sense of WTF?!

But baby steps, I guess.

That's exactly right! And stay in therapy!

I would trade gender dypshoria for sex and a fetish in a heartbeat and I actually have felt anger at those who can sexually enjoy crossdressing seeing them as lucky.

Amen.

Sometimes I wish I had not fiqured out the truth but it was like some kind of obsession to understand what was going on that I could not turn off.

May I ask how old you were when figured it all out?

I was 45 last December when it fell out of the sky and plastered me.

I really really did not want to live life as a woman. A person would have to be insane to choose to be a woman. I will never understand why people "want" to be one because for me I was "forced".

I do not even like the female gender so the joke is on me.

That's were I'm lucky, I guess. I've always loved women, everything about them, and preferred their company. I'd much rather be a woman - oh, except for this pesky body issue.

[PaulaQ]

So I'd like to ask one more "for dummies" type question about what I experienced, and whether or not it is indicative of gender dysphoria in anyone's opinion.

This was from when I was a late teenager. I've never talked about this with anyone, even therapists. I tried, at the time, and they didn't listen.

I felt completely alone and isolated when I was 17-18. I had friends. I still have some of these friends - they are good friends. But I felt completely isolated and alone. I knew I would never find a relationship. I was tortured by curiosity about TS / CD - I suppressed these feelings hard. I blamed everything on my handicap. I had a hellish time in school, at least I felt I did. Probably it wasn't really any worse than what anyone else went through. I can remember being absolutely fascinated by TS stuff I'd read about - and repelled at the same time. No way that was me - I told myself.

I was SEVERELY depressed - if I'm ever this depressed again, I will likely check myself into a mental health facility, because I think I was a suicide risk. (I never tried though, thank heavens.) I HATED my body. I HATED myself. I can't express in strong enough terms how much loathing I felt. (I was getting little echoes of this when I started this thread.) I felt like a circus freak. I had nightmares - really terrible nightmares. I hallucinated a little sometimes that I was some type of "thing," a freak of nature, a chimera. I hated my body - I hated the way I looked. I wanted to die.

I talked to a psychiatrist at the time, who felt I was quite intelligent, had a bright future, and had little to worry about. He gave me some antidepressants, which I took for about a week before throwing them out the window of my car.

Drinking was cheaper. I did that - a lot.

Possible GD? Or was I just suffering from other issues, probably? (Just looking for opinions here - I know no one can offer a real opinion, this was 30 years ago, and the one diagnosis I did get sucked bigtime.)