Shame

[PaulaQ]

"Hi, I'm ______ and I'm an alcoholic"

I've said these words more times than you can imagine. This is not an easy thing to admit about yourself.

I've talked about really terrible things I did - things I am NOT proud of - when drinking and drugging. I've told this stuff to a room full of people who I do not know well. I've told most of this stuff to family members - at least stuff that wouldn't hurt them needlessly. Some of this involved some sexual things.

And in the years of being as honest as I could possibly be about all of that - I COULD NOT ADMIT my desires to crossdress / my feminine side / whatever this is I'm going through. It has always been there, or at least I became aware of it when I was 10 or 11.

But despite feeling free to talk about some genuinely horrible and personally humiliating things I'd done while drunk, I was too ashamed to admit this, even to myself. I knew. Part of me knew. Part of me knew I should just lay my cards on the table. Yet I could not.

In a room full of people, who'd also done terrible, questionable things too, and who were not there to judge - quite the opposite - I was too afraid of judgement, and too ashamed. I couldn't talk to my sponsor. I couldn't talk to my therapist at the time. I was ashamed.

Isn't that something?

Anyway, "Hi, I'm Paula, and I am a crossdresser and a transgendered person. I think at some level I'm supposed to be a woman."

It was really hard to write those last two sentences - I'm sobbing right now.

I appreciate you girls - I don't know what I'd do without this forum. I love all of you, so much.

[Caroline-Grant]

Hello paula. I'm Caroline Grant(I like the new name better) and I'm a submissive crossdresser. The weight is easier to carry for some. But that being said it is really hard to tell people about it. Until you start telling then it becomes easier and easier.

I'm sorry that it's hard for you but I hope that given time it will get easier.

[Karren H]

Shame is what I feel when I go into the penalty bad.... al la "Slap Shot" not what I feel about myself....

[Jenni Yumiko]

Hi Paula, your human, and being a CD is not a reason to feel shame.
I would be more scared with dealing with drugs or alcohol than this. And as you were strong enough to overcome those, this too, with your wife you will come to terms.

[Angela Campbell]

Hi I am Ellen. I am transgendered and I am not ashamed of it. I do not tell everyone I know unless there is a need to know, but many people know me as Ellen. One day I would like to live as a woman, but at the present I am doing it about50%. I have known about this since I was 4, and only recently stopped fighting it. I am a woman inside and I like being a woman.

[PaulaQ]

Hi Paula, your human, and being a CD is not a reason to feel shame.
I would be more scared with dealing with drugs or alcohol than this. And as you were strong enough to overcome those, this too, with your wife you will come to terms.

Thanks. When you put it into those terms, it is amazing isn't it - that something that I'd feel worse about something that is relatively harmless, than something like alcoholism that was incredibly self-destructive, and harmful to anyone who had the misfortune of being around me at the time?

It's very real though. I'm less ashamed now, although no less frightened at the consequences of coming out. BTW, I don't tell everyone that I'm an alcoholic, it's need to know. I won't lie if people ask me a direct question like "hey, I've noticed that you NEVER drink - what's up with that?" At some point, I guess I don't care whether or not people decide they don't want to deal with me because I'm an alcoholic. Maybe I'll feel that way about CD sometime. Honestly, the only people I care about are my wife and kids.

And "Hi back" Caroline, Karren, Jenni, and Ellen. You are all beautiful, and so brave.

[Lorileah]

Really Paula there is no shame in being transgendered. The shame is on those who cannot accept it and let people live their lives. When you stand up and say "I am _______" be proud

[Beverley Sims]

Paula,
Telling a room full of strangers you are a druggie, sexual predator, alcholic, gay or some other failing is a normal thing for both sexes.
They are educated enough to know about these failings.
To tell them you like dressing in women's clothes and enjoy other fetishes is totally alien.
They have no idea or knowledge about the background of what you are trying to tell them.

There is no shame but an invisible psychological barrier we have to overcome.
I struggle with it too.

[Tanya J]

I am very grateful that you have a place to put your thoughts out there for someone who can understand the things you are going through. It is very nice for me to have a place to communicate with you and all the others here about all of the thoughts i have. Just know that I along with many others here value you as more than a cd or tg, but as a human.

[PaulaQ]

Really Paula there is no shame in being transgendered. The shame is on those who cannot accept it and let people live their lives. When you stand up and say "I am _______" be proud

Thanks Lorileah. I know it is ridiculous to feel worse about this than the other stuff I mentioned. Intellectually I know this. It isn't in my gut yet, but I'm trying. I'm making progress I guess. I can admit this to myself. I can admit this to the beautiful women of this forum.

I guess I wrote this because the magnitude of how ridiculous I feel finally hit home. I feel little worry over telling people about horrible things I've done in the past. But tell 'em I like to wear a bra and panties - whoa, that's just too shocking. It's so stupid.

Why can't emotions be smarter?

[traci_k]

Yes - shame on those who can't accept. But unfortunately, sometimes we're married to them, love them and don't want to lose them.
Hugs

[Lisa Gerrie]

I'm almost three years out of rehab, and still sober. I honestly don't feel shame about being an alcoholic. I am ashamed of some of the things I did while drunk, but I have come to accept that alcoholism is part of who I am.

I also don't feel any shame about my crossdressing. I'm not proud of some of the things I did, such as "borrowing", but that's in the past. Other than that, I don't see anything shameful about it.

[PaulaQ]

But unfortunately, sometimes we're married to them, love them and don't want to lose them.

Well, I haven't given up hope yet. If ultimately my wife can't accept, then I won't feel resentment towards her. I deceived her. I didn't mean to - but I did, and there is no changing that. She never agreed to this. She never asked for it. I hope this falls under "for better or for worse." If not, it is the consequences of my own actions and choices, or lack thereof. I did this, and I own it. It'll be a little while before I cross that bridge I think. But cross it I will.

I'm coming up on three years sober, and I honestly don't feel shame about being an alcoholic. I am ashamed of some of the things I did while drunk, but I have come to accept that alcoholism is part of who I am

Hi Michael - first off - congratulations, I know how hard that is. Sobering up was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm sober 23 years now. I know exactly how you feel. I am not ashamed of that. I hope I can reach the same place of acceptance with my gender. This is a struggle for me.

[Lisa Gerrie]

I clicked Post before my thought was complete, and you responded in the meantime.

[AllieSF]

"Hi, I'm Paula, and I am a crossdresser and a transgendered person. I think at some level I'm supposed to be a woman."

Just keep repeating those same words to yourself whenever you get down and feel that shame. It has been more than proved that repeating a positive, and even a negative statement, can alter ones feeling toward the meaning of the statement. Good luck and a big hug to get you through the day.

[Stevie]

Hi Paula I haven't experienced what you been through AA but I do understand and you shouldn't be ashamed. Actually admitting that you had a problem and did something to change it is being brave. As for us being a crossdresser I do feel the same way. I feel guilty and can't openly say anything to anyone about it. By definition in my book that is being ashamed. I keep asking myself is what I'm doing right. I feel it is right and know others don't think it's right so who's right. What gets me is who in society gets to say what is right or wrong. Even though I feel ashamed about this I come to the point that I just don't care anymore. The feelings I get about this outweigh being ashamed. I feel your pain and could use a hug.

[PaulaQ]

@AllieSF - thanks so much, hon. I needed a hug.
@Stevie - /hugs. We'll be OK.

[cathie pantyhose]

Hey Paula - Hang in there...this is the best site for you to express yourself and work thru these concerns (and for god's sake follow the rules although I don't always). Keep raising the questions you have on your mind. As for me, I don't have the AA concerns but I have struggled with many of the same concerns you have posted in other threads and just remember, you are not alone on this journey. We are all here for you together. This IS a process especially with your wife. It takes time to heal. Some do fully, some never do and some partially accept as mine has over the years but it doesn't happen over night. We love you and are here for you.

[Lisa Gerrie]

I feel guilty and can't openly say anything to anyone about it. By definition in my book that is being ashamed.

Not in my book. I only feel ashamed when I have done something wrong, when I have injured another person or animal. Crossdressing itself is harmless! If you steal clothing or deceive others and thereby harm them, then Yes shame might be appropriate. But if I don't talk to my friends about my hemorrhoids, masturbation, and lots of other "human" things it is not because I am ashamed of those things, it's because they are personal.

[FelicityMay]

Hi, I'm Felicity and i am a crossdresser.
i sometimes have shame for that, when thinking that it is not accepted by most people, including my family if they found out.
But it is what i enjoy! once i realize that i am happy with what i have, the shame goes away and i don't care what people think.
Cross dressing is not a bad thing, it is just something most people cant really take in very easily, it is not a common thing.
We are human, we have faults, and no one is perfect. so its ok if you have something about yourself that you are not happy with. everyone does!
i hope it doesnt take too much of a hit out of you, we all support you!
-Felicity

[RebeccaLynne]

But if I don't talk to my friends about my hemorrhoids, masturbation, and lots of other "human" things it is not because I am ashamed of those things, it's because they are personal.

Paula, what you choose to disclose about your personal life is up to you. I've always believed that whatever you choose to share with others should be in confidence, with the implicit understanding that those revelations not be shared without your explicit permission.

You're not guilty of anything. You have the right to privacy, and self-expression. Your life is not an open book: it's yours!

[Ceri Anne]

Hi Paula, I'm Cerri Anne. We all feel those pains of guilt and that we are perverted. The amazing difference is, there is nothing wrong with expressing our true feelings and self, unlike destroying our life with drugs or alchohol abuse. Either way, we are here to support and offer you the strenght of sisterhood.

[Jodi Anne]

Hi Paula, I had a drinking problem up to the day I admitted being TG to myself. I have not touched or even wanted a drink since then. Also I had a weight problem that has plagued me for over 10 years has been slowly disappearing due to eating right and taking care of myself better.
The shame for you would be to not move forward with your life and enjoy your life.

[amy96]

What an encouragement, thank you so much for being personal. I feel the same but I've noticed that when I have a cocktail or two, I feel better....OR, when I go shopping for cute Amy clothes I feel even better....do you feel the saem?

[Bonnie J]

Everyone who has read this thread feels a little or a lot of what you have said Paula. But we all have "been there, done that" in one form or another. Glad you are on the comeback trail!!