Hi Paula,
When you are able to take the step and say to your AA group,
"Hi, I'm Paula, and I am a crossdresser and a transgendered person. I think at some level I'm supposed to be a woman."
then you will have taken the next and probably the largest step to full recovery. That was my biggest step in my recovery because anything less is just not being real. Take it from another friend of Bill.
You will become stronger in the ways of the Pink Fog. May the Pink Fog guide you and be with you now and forever.
Paula, I think this forum is the greatest place for us. We can in a sense come out and admit to each other that we are crossdressers and enjoy helping and talking with each other in that frame.
I too have felt so much better about coming out to the girls here and talking through all of the issues we face, due to the way many misinformed people think about us. It has really helped me in life and eased a bvurden of hiding.
I look forward to discussing here, I feel more self accepting of who I am, and understanding like you should, we are OK,just a little different from some. And go with it, enjoy who you are, and stick around and talk and help us all out.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Allesha
Hi Paula, I'm Amie Marie. Just like you I too feel shame at times about being outed as a cd'er. I don't want anyone to know and I contribute some of that on the way I was raised and society. I have hidden for so long that even admitting it to a bunch of strangers on line scared me to death. After coming back to this website for many months and reading the posts that were public I finally joined. I now have learned I am not alone in this "strange" world (no offence girls) but have so many friends on here to support me. You have that same support group here for cd'ing that you have at AA for the drinking. For what it is worth IMO, the only one you have to admit anything to is yourself then when your ready stand up and shout. HI EVERYONE I AM A CROSSDRESSER AND I DO IT FOR MYSELF! In the meantime now that everyone here is ready for you when you do. I learned that just recent.
Explain to me why I can't live in both worlds? ....... Well your rules are stupid!
Paula
I am not a drunk, but I have been so drunk on two separate occasions and to such an extent that I could have easily killed as many as 6 people riding in my car - that is shameful.
Yet, if I were to have had to attend an AA meeting, I would have divulged that information readily.
I do not in the least feel shame or guilt about my CDing, but, thanks to the person who gave birth to me, I can not/will not tolerate embarrassment. And because of that I would feel very much put upon to make an admission that I CD in front of a group of people who have no interest or need in knowing about that part of my life.
So, as many above had said: there is nothing shameful about crossdressing. And there is nothing to say that you must be comfortable in all situations, especially when you are being asked to divulge something personal to you. When you are comfortable talking about your CDing, you will! Maybe you will talk up at an AA meeting, or maybe with your best friend/spouse/SO, or, maybe you'll simply put on a skirt, shoes, blouse and makeup and walk down the street with your head held high ignoring all of those nasty thoughts of shame - and become Paula!
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks.
Ladies, I am humbled and genuinely touched by your support. Thank you - you help me so much. I am so glad I found you all. I am proud to be counted in your number. I love all of you. I can't say that enough.
You've given me a lot to think about - both in the thoughtful replies in this thread (feel free to keep 'em coming!) and in the kind PM's I've received. I start talking to a therapist tomorrow, she has some expertise in gender therapy, so I certainly have stuff to talk about, in no small part thanks to all of you.
I appreciate y'all not minding me posting stuff like this thread. I'm trying to be honest about this for the first time in my life. My goodness though - it is hard. So many of you give me hope though that I'll eventually just feel "free."
Paula
Hey, Paula
My name is Michelle, and I am a transgender woman.
Coming out to myself was the biggest step I've ever taken in my life. What a revelation! Before then, I was an abuser and I didn't care what it did to me. Since then, I have come to care about myself, and the impact I have on my family and my community.
I don't know where this will lead, but I am happy that I have decided to acknowledge my personal needs and desires, and to dismiss the antiquated expectations of proper male behavior placed upon me by my family and society. I am now a better parent and a better person.
Congratulations on this big step. I hope that for you, as with myself, you find that the voids in your life no longer need filling.
Hi Paula,
I am a cross dresser, i am transgendered, and I am transexual. But really, those things have nothing to do with any negative behavior I am trying to overcome.
How many of your fellow AA members ever got up and introduced themselves as a male, or female, to set a background for their behavior, and their desires to understand it?
I would not think too many, if any, listed it. I would not feel it important for you to list it. UNLESS.... you feel it contributed to your behavior. If and only if you feel your cross dressing/transgendered nature contributed to your addictive behavior should you even remotely consider it as important to discuss. If however, your guilt feelings over hiding this from others (which i also must do) contributed to your behavior, this is a matter for therapy, and even then maybe not for an AA meeting, but more importantly for your recognition and integration into your remaining sober and sane.
Shame no, guilt, uncertainty, loneliness, yes. Sometimes the two areas are very difficult to separate. Never shame.
Barbara
He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
- Friedrich Nietzche -
I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.
Thanks Barbara Ella. I'm sure that at least some of my addictive behavior stemmed from trying to deal with the feelings from being trans. However, I'm also sure I come by my alcoholism honestly - it runs in my family. I know, though, that some of my reasons for drinking stem from my CD, and feelings about it. (Specifically feelings of avoiding it.) I think a lot of problems I've had in my life (by no means all, but a lot) probably relate back to this.Originally Posted by Barbara Ella
A lot of things. There was a girl I dated in highschool. Really we were more friends - I tried to date her. We'd do things and go out - but I could never really get anywhere with her. I liked her a LOT, but she always said I "was just sooo different." I thought it was because I walked funny, and maybe that's part of it. I got this a lot - that I was different - from lots of girls. But turns out she was a lot more right than I understood. I am different. Well I'll be.
Sometimes I am known as D. but I always identify as a bisexual and a crossdresser.
What has been of value to me is to know that others are wrestling with the same issues of understanding themslves while trying to live some semblance of a Life. Unless we live as a hermit on a mountaintop, our actions have possible impacts for other people. Hopefully we have this larger context in mind as we do what we do and make the decisions we feel are necessary. Judging by the threads here, the impact of our desires and decisions is a major concern for many. In any event, what we all have to remember is that we're all just trying to make it from one day to the next. If we can do that with a smile and a bit of good humor, you know it just might turn out okay...
Hello, Paula. I'm Amy, and I'm also a crossdresser, and at least partly transgendered. Unlike you, I don't think I'm supposed to be entirely a woman, but I believe I have a soul with male and female parts, and when I dress, I am expressing the feminine half of my soul. Both parts of me are valid, and my goal is to be able to function in the world in either role, and use the influence of both halves of my soul to make me a better person.
Don't cry, dear. It's OK for you to be what you are. It's OK for me to be what I am. It's OK for all of us to be who we are, who we must be. That's why we're all here.
- Amy
Amy Gale Ruth Bowersox (nee Tapie) - "Be who you are, and be it in style!"
Member, Board of Trustees, Gender Identity Center of Colorado
aka Amelia Storm - Ms. Majestic Hearts of All Colorado 2018-2019, Miss Majestic Hearts of All Colorado 2015-2016
Thanks Amy. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be, exactly, although female is part of it, for sure.
I feel a lot better getting this off my chest, and hearing from everyone.
Hi Paula,
I was - or close to being - an alcoholic. A lot of it was to do with an unhappy marriage & a wife who supported, or maybe reawakened, the CD in me, then pulled the rug from under my heels, that coupled with the fact that she was selfish, mean, unpleasant . . . well, a lot of things. I left her, found here, opened up to my sister, opened up to my current SO, and . . . well. I don't drink anymore.
Be happy with who you are even if noone else is.
I'm not ashamed anymore. Not one little bit. I was sitting here tonight, working on something, and it just kind of dawned on me - I don't feel bad about this. I don't feel guilty. I feel no shame.
Realizing that I'm Paula, and I'm not ashamed of that - in fact everything I actually *like* about myself seems to be an attribute of my feminine side. I want to give her a chance to grow - I think I'll be a better person for it.
I'm going to have to have a talk with my wife, sooner, rather than later. And I'll be mindful of her feelings, but I won't be doing it from a place of shame.
I can't imagine this would've been possible without the kindness, compassion, support and love from all of you - thank you so much! <3
Hi,
For some of us being different is normal for us & thats from birth, What ever colour or shape size or how we look or dont should not ever make us ashamed we had no say in that,
Things we do is another matter, & how we use our power or might & hurt's others then yes we should be more than just ashamed ,
its when we open up & admit what we have done is the steping stone to be reconciled to those we'v hurt then that load of shame can be lifted, admiting is again one thing reconciling is more importaint,
I work with people who have gone through abuse plus my Mother & i have been on the reciveing end so im very awear of what it means . Admiting to others is a good start admiting to those that were wronged is the real test of the person.
As you go through details & things that concern you & your S O & family just remember its not a quick fix it will take time .
I wish you all the best in what your doing, & thank you for shareing its allso importaint to share with others ,
I know there are a few who dont belive or accept that there can be any one on the forums who are for real well some of us are,
So for me its worth being here, when others can tell of thier life even with all the hurt that many go through, there can be a sunny side to our life as well , we just sometimes need to open our eye's to see it or we may miss out on life all to gether,
And my name , its for real.
Take care of your self & live your life as you should,
...noeleena...
Hi Noeleena, thanks for the good thoughts. You are right - there is no sense in being ashamed over things we did not choose, and had no control over. And yet, sometimes, those are the very hardest things to NOT be ashamed of.
You know what's really ironic? The part of me that faces the outside world, and keeps my feminine side hidden is the part that is ashamed and afraid. Paula isn't ashamed, and she isn't afraid. So the part of myself I've used for protection is actually the part that is most afraid. Isn't that just crazy?
hey hun,
don't give up hope on the wife, most of us GG's will let love conquer all, there is no reason to be ashamed about who you are, remember that please
it can be a tough road to be on for you and the misses but if you get through this together like anything you've been through in 20 years, you'll come out
a lot stronger as a couple!
remember you both have a big family here
xoxo S.
just a girl in this complicated world
Hi Paula. I'm suzanne and I'm a crossdresser. I sometimes think I would have been better off had I been born a girl, but I can do the alpha male thing pretty well, too. But it all works out because I'm a Gemini and so am I! Solidarity, sister!
Hi, Paula. I am Christy and I am transgender. I have felt shame for many years about who I really am. I can't speak for anyone else but what helped me get over it was seeing how many supportive people are on this site. While there are those who will tell you what you should or shouldn't do, there are plenty more who will offer their experiences to help shape the decisions you must make on your own. For many, they will never transition and that is quite all right irrespective of the reasons. For me, and others we have gone completely through to becoming the women we felt we were meant to be. Knowing that we are a part of this earth like everyone else and that how we live should not be decided by what the majority think is an acceptable lifestyle is critical to my sanity and quality of life. I wish you nothing but the best in whatever you do and I hope, like many others, that you learn how to be at peace with who you are and figure out a way to be as happy as you possibly can. Be mindful that nobody here can possibly know the details of what you are going through and the consequences of your decisions will be felt by you and your family and not anyone here. I can honestly say today that I have not felt shame for who I am for almost two years. It is a glorious thing to not think about.
Paula, Shame and guilt could be my names! it is about all i know, other than fear and paranoia! My religion forbids any crossdressing, too, and that makes it EXTREMELY hard to be a crossdresser. But, you have a wife and kids to care for, much more than what i have, other than my guiltripping, swhaming, controlling family of origin. I went to 12 step groups for 12 yrs off and on. Sadly, the ACA meeting i go to here, is tiny, and has stopped.
Also, tonight is the Christian Passover memorial, when those in my church really have to examine themselves, and soul search, before taking the bread and wine. Every year, i go through the emotional ringer at this time of year, especially over my dressing. I confess i do it, and it is a coping mechanism for lifetime singleness, and lack of a wife.
IMO there is no shame about cdings, don't keep that feeling in brings you pented up inside it will stress you out to no end and be a hinderence to your health. It is best to express yourself by crossdressing to release and soothe your inner feelings. Personally and from what I have read online here MANY have felt GREAT by crossdressing...to hell with what other people may think Your well being is parmount to what other people may think. Instilling self esteem which may be lacking in some that post here is what you have to build up to project an aura of knowhow and "I can do it" that will shine like a beacon to others...Peace to you and go for it!...Mykchelle
Paula, when I stand before my maker I will apologize for many things but wearing a skirt will not be one of them. I am as he made me, We have all overcome many things but being a complete person is something to celebrate not be ashamed of.
Somtimes the light's all shining on me, Other times I can barely see.
Lately it's occured to me.....What a long strange trip it has been.
Truckin by the Grateful Dead
The interesting thing is that there is such a stigma in society regarding crossdressing, whereas, alcoholism which has way more damaging consequences than crossdressing is much more accepted as normal because heavy drinking is associated with being a macho man. Yes, we live in a screwed-up world.
EllenJo - what you said is beautiful, and I love it.
Nah, it's just that several things have happened:
1. There are way more alcoholics than crossdressers, so people are used to this. (I don't help because I'm a double-count. Sorry girls.)
2. Education about alcoholism, and recovery, are much more common
3. Our society is super-uptight about gender. This is improving, but it's slow, and there just aren't that many of us to make the point. There's hope though, because it used to be super-uptight about sexuality.
And look - while I don't think the penalties for drunk driving are serious enough, for the most part, there aren't very many laws against us. At least as long as we don't have to use a restroom in Arizona...
BTW, I love all the responses to this thread. And I love all of you, too!!!! <3
Paula,
I am sorry that you have to go through this. I don't know alcoholism, but I do know shame, and how debilitating it can be. Don't beat yourself up over it. It is so easy to fall into the trap of feeling shame about feeling shame. Rather, acknowledge the legitimacy of your feelings. Humans are social animals, and it is really impossible for us to not be influenced by the opinions of others. You cannot avoid it, you cannot banish it, and you can make yourself crazy trying.
But you can understand it, and put it in perspective. Your shame exists no farther than the edge of your skull. You created it. It is your reaction to the opinions of others. Consider the legitimacy of those opinions, and how important they are to you, and why you feel shame. Think about what are appropriate reactions to those opinions, and if you think you are acting appropriately, you may find the shame a lot more manageable.
I have a lot less shame than I used to about a lot of things, crossdressing being only one of them. But when I see tears in my wife's eyes, whether justified or not, I still feel shame. Nothing is going to ever stop that.
Liz
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