Told a friend, feeling lost

[Amy A]

Hi all,

I went to see a friend at the weekend, and ended up telling him the truth about me. He took it well and although we had a long and frank chat about my situation, our friendship is no perhaps a bit stronger for it.

Also, just recently, my doctor started to set the wheels in motion for me to see a gender specialist at the clinic in Leeds.

So what's the problem you ask? It's that I'm realising that transitioning isn't anymore something that I think I would like (but could live without), it's more that it's something I think I need. I think about it everyday, and my mood is getting lower all the time. I'm desperately sad because I have a wonderful girlfriend (who knows) and I'm scared of losing her. I love my job and I worry about that too. It's like any chance of me having a normal happy life is disappearing before my eyes. Perhaps if I transition I'll be happy with who I am, but without my soulmate, would I be happy? If I could I'd just be a regular guy and be with her, marry her, raise a family. But I'm not and I never will be, I can't be that person for her, and it breaks my heart.

Ultimately it feels like the choice has been taken away from me. I feel like whichever road I take, I'll be mourning the life that I gave up.

And yes, I am a glass half empty kind of girl! Sorry for the self pity, I just need to vent and see if any of you can help me make sense of it all.

Rachel

[Debra Russell]

The best thing has just happened - gender specialists - they will help you sort it out. I am too old to start over again but the possability of what might have been has always been there; and quite frankly I don't know if it would have been a good thing - just settled for crossdresser but still -- not the same good luck with the specialist........................Debra

[kimdl93]

So often, recently, we've seen other individuals here pose similar sentiments - expressing frustration that they think they are trapped between two choices...not transitioning and transitioning. Its depressing, largely because of the way you're defining the situation. You're just beginning to explore so don't close off your options prematurely. Try re-setting your thoughts on the subject to something more positive and open-ended that "either / or". It is possible that there are incremental steps you can take towards transition that may bring you to a point where you're comfortable with yourself. Maybe its dressing evenings, maybe its dressing full time on the weekends, or maybe its living full time without HRT or surgery. Maybe someplace along the line you'll chose to begin HRT. These can be steps that you take alone or with the support of your SO. If your GF knows and is supportive of you as a CDr, there's reason to believe that she may, given time and opportunity, grow to accept you as you take steps towards transition. There's no guarantee, but it has happened more often than you may be able to imagine.

[Beverley Sims]

Rachel,
You are just starting out, on your journey there will be many forks in the road and you do not have to decide straight away.
If you have a wonderful and accepting relationship with a girl, this may be the best of both worlds.
When you go to counseulling they are not going to ask you to change over, they are going to ask you why you want to be a woman.
Your doctor is also patient and you are not wasting his time either by being indecisive.
Every one would prefer you gave a considered opinion later, than a rushed one now.
So, take your time, enjoy what you do and your girlfriends company and understanding.
One day you might marry her.
The bonus, you will still be able to dress and pass well.
You will still be able to decide your future if need be.

[PaulaQ]

It's like any chance of me having a normal happy life is disappearing before my eyes. Perhaps if I transition I'll be happy with who I am, but without my soulmate, would I be happy? If I could I'd just be a regular guy and be with her, marry her, raise a family. But I'm not and I never will be, I can't be that person for her, and it breaks my heart.

Ultimately it feels like the choice has been taken away from me. I feel like whichever road I take, I'll be mourning the life that I gave up.

And yes, I am a glass half empty kind of girl! Sorry for the self pity, I just need to vent and see if any of you can help me make sense of it all.

If it makes you feel any better, I have a lot of those same feelings. Feeling a sense of loss over your SO is not self-pity. It is very likely to be a loss you experience if you transition. And I understand your fear that your current life will, in some sense end. I have this same fear. It's one thing if you've always hated your life - if so, I have to believe that this is at least a tiny bit easier. But if you like aspects of your male life, it's hard not to feel like you are losing something while at the same time gaining something new.

It's a change, and change is hard sometimes.

I don't know what to tell you to do, but I totally get how you feel, and I'm nowhere near where you are with this. But I understand the fear of loss, and the sense of grief from it.

And I think your feelings are perfectly valid.

[Diversity]

Hi Rachel,
I am not really in any position to advise you. The reason for me replying is that you touched me with your story, and what I want to suggest to you is to embrace your journey. The feelings you are having are there for a reason. With every change comes a new learning experience and individual growth. If this need to transition is truly within you, then close your eyes, take a deep breath, relax, and feel the spirit within. You will know if you are on the right path. When you know it, go for it and enjoy the new journey ahead. I wish you my sincere best wishes.
Di

[Angela Campbell]

Baby steps. Going to a gender specialist is not SRS. One step at a time. I can understand because I am wondering myself what is to come. I am starting to feel like transition may be in my future even though I really do not want it to be. That is what the gender therapist is there for. I am focusing on more immediate goals right now and trying not to look too far ahead.

[Rogina B]

Sure seems to me that this ought to be posted in the TS forum rather than here..And I think there is a "middle path"[thanks SJ] that perhaps could work for you,but you have to want it,AND WORK AT IT.. Kim had the same suggestion.

[melissakozak]

Rachel,

When you see your gender specialist, be open to a myriad number of possibilities as to who you are and how you want to live your life. You are young, and you are just beginning to explore who you are, regardless of your dysphoria. Your counselor will ask you many, many questions, and some of them will open your eyes. Realize, however, from the outset, that you are most likely not a 'regular' guy, whatever that means. I have had to redefine myself, and I no longer concern myself with whether I am a guy, gal or anything else. I have thoroughly embraced what I call a transgender identity, and I live in both worlds. This might be an option for you, too. My own gender counselor realizes my dysphoria is very real and that my crossdressing is an extension of who I am, and the clothes in and of themselves are not as important to me as the social life I have created as a transwoman. This helps keep me grounded in who I am. I was, at one point, where you are. Once you figure out what your needs are, you can move forward, but take it slow and most of all, be easy on yourself. Being and/or having transgender identities and incorporating it into your life is not an easy process by any means....it has taken me twenty years to get comfortable with who I am....

[Amy A]

Thanks very much for your replies...

The best thing has just happened - gender specialists - they will help you sort it out.

I really hope so, but with it being the NHS I have quite a long wait!

Its depressing, largely because of the way you're defining the situation. You're just beginning to explore so don't close off your options prematurely. Try re-setting your thoughts on the subject to something more positive and open-ended that "either / or".

I'm trying to do this as much as I can and you are absolutely right, it's just that I feel like my options are closing because of how I feel everyday. I'll do my best to act on your advice though, thanks.

When you go to counseulling they are not going to ask you to change over, they are going to ask you why you want to be a woman.

The bonus, you will still be able to dress and pass well.
You will still be able to decide your future if need be.

Firstly, I've tried with my doctor and my counsellor to explain it, it's not that I have a list of reasons, it's just that I know... does that make sense? Secondly, I'm 32 now, the later I leave it the harder I expect a transtion would be, so I do feel some pressure to decide soon. I don't want to go the route of starting a family just for these feelings to overcome me in the future, I feel guilty enough as it is! Thanks for your reply, very helpful

I understand your fear that your current life will, in some sense end. I have this same fear. It's one thing if you've always hated your life - if so, I have to believe that this is at least a tiny bit easier. But if you like aspects of your male life, it's hard not to feel like you are losing something while at the same time gaining something new.

It's a change, and change is hard sometimes.

I think some of the problem is that I'm a bit of a coward! I'm glad you understand what I mean, it's a hard thing to get my own head around let alone explain to someone else.

You will know if you are on the right path. When you know it, go for it and enjoy the new journey ahead. I wish you my sincere best wishes.
Di

Thankyou!

Baby steps. Going to a gender specialist is not SRS. One step at a time.

When you see your gender specialist, be open to a myriad number of possibilities as to who you are and how you want to live your life.

You are both right of course. I suppose it's about finding out my level, where I am happiest. I'm just aware that I would be kidding myself if I claimed that I can be happy as a man. Thank you both.

Sure seems to me that this ought to be posted in the TS forum rather than here..

After posting I did think this. I think I'll continue my questions in that forum from now, just because it does seem to be the more appropriate place for them.

Again, thank you all for your replies, it really does help.

[Kimberlyfaye]

Aw I feel for you Rachel. I am in the exact same situation as you right now. I've just finished talking with my doctor and I am now on the road leading to a specialist. If you need to chat anytine you feel down just drop me a message hun

Hugs, Kim x