My wife is pushing me to choose between dressing and her. Am I a bad person to choose dressing over my family because it makes me happy?? She says its an addiction and just stop! If your not going to transition then why dress? She doesn't understand and I can't seem to explain it. Hopefully the new therapist tonight can help. What do you girls think???
I would be looking for a good lawyer. Even if you agree it is just a matter of time.
All I ever wanted was to be a girl. Is that really asking too much?
It wasn't possible for me to make that choice. Dressing is an integral part of who I am, I have never been able to go long without it after 64 years. It was a part of ending my 30+year marriage but not all. At an age when I should be retiring I am embarking on a new adventure of discovering who I am with much joy and trepidation. Do what you have to hon be true to yourself. I wish all the best for you and remember all the girls here are here for you.
hugs rita
Dressing is not a choice.
Its a passion.
Don't make any rash statements until you guys see a counselor. We can say what we feel, but inevitably, we don't really know you or your situation intimately. Work things thru with the counselor.
You have to do what u have to do. Personally, I would pick my wife as I have done all the way along. Doesn't make it right or wrong. Each individual has to make the choice given their needs and circumstances. Good luck and I hope that whatever decision you make you can comfortably live with. All the best and thinking of you x
I would pick my wife in the first instance and engage a counselor as well.
I would work at it with my wife until affection was not being returned, then maybe a lawyer if there seemed to be an irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.
All situations are different, strong ties between partners help but if that bonding has broken it is hard to repair the damage.
Give it your best shot and try to work out a solution.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
If she asked you to cut off your off hand, (what do you really need that for anyway?) to save the marriage, would you? It's like that - this is something that is part of you.Originally Posted by Tgsara
Hi, I'm a recovering alcoholic and addict, and have been for >20 years. I didn't "just stop" - I had lots of treatment, help, and support. If I could've just "stopped", I wouldn't have been an alcoholic. Let me know when you find an effective treatment program for CD/TG issues. I'll be there with you on day one. I am serious about this.
Whether it's an addiction or not is sort of irrelevant if there's no way to treat it. Alcoholism recovery is by no means a sure thing - most alcoholics don't recover. There is nothing I'm aware of that even approaches the rather pitiful recovery rate of alcoholism for CD. Those are the cold, hard facts.
I hope that counseling will help you both sort this out. Also understand that she is probably very angry with you, and hurt. It can take time to get past that.
I think I forgot the question when I looked at the top half of your avatar.
Oh yeah.. Maybe a book about it? Or maybe medical evidence that you didn't choose this much like a gay person doesn't choose to be gay.
Last edited by Marleena; 03-13-2013 at 03:17 PM.
What have you done, exactly, to explain it to her? There are many resources both online and in print that will help explain the crossdressing. There are many men who crossdress. It is not a question of dressing in order to transition to become a woman, or nothing. There are middle states of gender dysphoria. Some men use women's clothes to express a feminine side of themselves that they have difficulty expressing without the clothes.
If on the other hand it is strictly fetish for you, then GGs have mixed reactions to this depending on the severity of the fetish and the open-mindedness of the GG. Some GGs think it is a fun thing to do in the bedroom as long as it doesn't take over, while other GGs do not like to be married to men who have the more severe fetishes, the kind that make the GG feel as if it wouldn't matter if she was there or not, whether the fetish (for example) is dressing in women's clothes or idolizing feet.
I dare say that men who are deeply into a type of sexual fetish (no matter what it is) that their wives are NOT into also suffer some incompatibility with their wives sexually, and it might also be difficult for them to choose between their sexuality and their wives, if sex is important to them.
So maybe you need to figure out and communicate exactly what dressing means to you, what you get out of it, how far you see this going, and how you define your gender? You also need to reassure your wife if dressing does not replace having sex with her.
If after a period of education (reading all the resources and maybe talking to people who understand this), you wife still feels she cannot approve, then I agree ... you will have a difficult decision to make.
Last edited by ReineD; 03-13-2013 at 03:35 PM.
Reine
you are not a bad person because of what you wear. You have been given an ultimatum, it is your call. One thing I have learned over the years, when you are banging your head against a wall, it feels really good when you stop.
My personal opinion? Love don't leave. Love don't make no demands
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
Ugly fact 1, possibly not relevant to CD, but definitely applies to addictions - what is surprising is not how many spouses leave their hopelessly addicted partners, but how many DO NOT LEAVE, and in fact, how many are almost as messed up as the addict. Read up on codependent relationships. A surprising number of victims set themselves up for that role for reasons that are as beyond their control as those of the addict. (Not saying it's their fault - it is a horrible, vicious circle of behavior people get stuck in.)
Ugly fact 2 - derived from ugly fact 1 - as terrible as the notion of losing your spouse is, sometimes not losing them is actually worse.
I make no comment on anyone's situation, in this thread, or any other. However I have seen these two facts play out in actual cases of addiction, and in many other types of dysfunctional relationships. This is intended only as food for thought.
Its unfair of your wife to ask you to make that choice and it reveals a depth of ignorance on her part about what you are. This isn't an addiction...and yes, its physically possible for you to stop dressing, but at the price of ongoing emotional frustration and pain. Is that what she wants from you? You didn't choose to dress over your family. You are and always have been a cross dresser...whether its expressed or not. Perhaps your therapist can help get that message across to your wife. I wouldn't bet on it, but its worth a shot.
And finally, you might ask your wife why she would choose divorce over marriage to a person who is transgendered. She's making a choice too...and not one that considers your value as a human being, a partner and lover for however long you've been together. It would be equally arbitrary if you demanded that she stop being blue eyed or left handed.
I think this is the key. From your post, it sounds like she really does not understand. She thinks this CD is something you do for fun.
Is there any hope of educating her?
Except the odds are - you won't really stop. Maybe for a while. But not forever. The statistics on this are pretty overwhelming.
So let's say, for the sake of argument that it is an addiction. Addicts don't just quit. Believe me I speak from personal experience. This does not happen. There are treatments for many addictions, but not all. So what is she proposing? There's no treatment for this. If you are in fact an addict, you are stuck with this. That is how it goes.
(You probably are not an addict by the way - just saying, using her logic, what does she expect to have happen?)
I was also married to a girl I once loved, but 14 years latter - nearly monthly I had to stop doing things I enjoyed to "prove" how much she meant to me. At the end I realised I wasn't me anymore and I had to walk away. In lifes journey, people change, when you no longer travel the same road, it's time to travel seperately and sometimes that's hard.
See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at
http://rachelsauckland.blogspot.co.nz
This may be rather blunt but she will have to acceppt some part of it or your marrige will end unfortunately .Councilling for both of you may or may not help but you should try before you end a marrige .This not an addiction or a choice it is what it is and if you read the post it does not go away .Best of luck !
I have a hubcap diamond star halo
Responding to an ultimatum will never satisfy either party. On the one hand you, maybe, will feel slighted and always wondering what if I had not bent, and on the other hand your SO may always wonder "could I have gotten more from him/her"?
I don't see much joy on the path you are about to go down.
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks.
Exactly what you saidI think I forgot the question when I looked at the top half of your avatar.
Oh yeah.. Maybe a book about it? Or maybe medical evidence that you didn't choose this much like a gay person doesn't choose to be gay.
Hi Sara, so sorry to see you are mired in this. IF it were a choice, then yes, it's fair to choose. Cross dressing is not a "choice." If your wife likens cross dressing to drug or alcohol addiction, she is simply wrong. If she can not be educated about the difference, for acceptance for the moment, but if she can not recognize the difference then you are doomed, relationship wise.
Only an objective third party can hope to educate here on the difference if she is really in such a state of belief. I suspect that she WANTS to think it is just an addiction and therefore can be cured.
I highly recommend that you tell her that you do not see it as a black and white decision. It is like asking to stop seeing out of your left eye. It just doesn't work. So, rather than disappoint her periodically, is there a compromise? DADT? Putting all your things in a storage unit? Does she believe you love her? Does she believe you want to be married? These are the core issues.
well, marriage is all about caring for someone else more than about yourself...
i know it will be extremely hard, but just lay off of the dressing up for a while, start to get closer with your wife, and make things better with her.
after you've become really close again, start to tell her about your feelings about all of it, and how you miss having it in your life.
at worst, you will have to do it in secret from now on, but at least you still have someone you care about, and not mess up your life!
i have wondered this same question since my (potential) future spouse is very against me dressing up, but i love her! and just want to make things work out
Your wife is unhappy and I'll wager there's more to it than your CDing. I hope you two can dig to the truth and resolve what ever problem(s) stand in the way of a loving and caring relationship.
Best of luck.
That's a tough little spot you in, but I am one who always believes there's a way for everyone to win. I would try for some kind of time, because we all know we can't quit and our mothers didn't raise quitters. Try to find a happy medium but I don't know if your relationship already has problems. Try to find happiness.
Well, you were married to her for 10 years before you told her...18 months ago. DID you see a therapist then and now you are going to see a "new" therapist as in different one? What about your kids? If you "give up" your wife you also pretty much "give up" your kids. Or at least MOST of the time you spend with them. Is CDing just a hobby to you as for many here. If one can go days, weeks, months or years w/o dressing it IS a hobby. Do you still LOVE your wife? Does she still have this idea that you "lied all those years" or has she gotten over that part of it? Would you still be with her if not for your kids?
Of course it's OK to choose. Why would it NOT be OK? We all make hundreds of choices every single day. DO you get more pleasure dressing than from spending time with your wife?
The bottom line is she DID NOT KNOW from the start of your Relationship and it could just be that she has "tried" for the past 18 months to make it work. But it's a DEALBREAKER to her and always will be. We ALL have some kind of dealbreaker/s.
And LOVE does not conquer all nor should it regardless of how many people here claim it over and over. That's the stuff of Fairy Tales and movies.
Good Luck tonight with the new thereapist but if your wife has not softened her stance in 18 months, I'm just not sure how much good a new therapist can do.
There is actually no way for you to choose. You loose either way. If the counselor you see actually knows about CD's then he will tell her the truth. There is no cure no way to actually stop. So all I can do is wish you the best and find a lawyer. Sorry to say but once a wife makes that kind of statement it ends in separation. Many here have said the same thing in different ways already.
TO OVER WEIGHT TO POST A PHOTO, MY wife tells me I look like I am pregnant
In a word...YES. Your family needs to come first.
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