You won't stop dressing, and if you make promises you can't keep, then you will find yourself in a bigger mess. Couples therapy with a therapist who gets it is paramount if your marriage is to survive. You don't have an addiction....sorry to say that....Melissa.
Your family should be a priority.
Not trying to sound like a smart-ass, but nothing like asking a bunch of anonymous strangers to help solve your major marital and personal problems! LOL We know virtually NOTHING about you, your family, your marriage, the ages of your kids, other issues dogging your marriage, is your wife controlling, etc, etc.
My two cents...if you started a family, then you need to stick around and be there for them. I'm not saying divorce is never the answer, but familial responsibilities should ALWAYS outweigh personal pleasures. When my wife found out my secret, our kids were early teens, and I would never have considered leaving them so I could dress. Now that they're in their early 20's, things might be different if push came to shove, but it would never be an easy decision.
Any counselor worth his/her salt will tell you marriage is all about compromise. Hopefully your wife will realize this, and relax her demands a bit so you can garner some happiness while still staying together. Good luck.
"Masquerading as a man with a reason, my charade is the event of the season" ('Carry On Wayward Son' by Kansas)
I'm surprised more people haven't suggested the obvious - hide your stuff better, and keep going, telling her "I'm cured!"
-or-
Make promises you can't keep, fall down on them, get caught, and feel "really, really bad about it."
Sometimes the two tactics are one and the same. There are many, many of us who choose the first option.
As for whether or not you are a bad person - here's a scenario:
"I can't my husband! He's a jerk! He won't change! I want a divorce!!!"
Is that guy a bad person? Who knows? Maybe she is just unhappy. Maybe he's really selfish and a jerk. Who's to judge?
This differs from that situation how exactly? Oh right, in this one you can change. OK, sure, whatever you say.
Sara, your wife is NOT your family! See what Lady wrote below. I good attorney will lay the options out for u. U don't have to choose between them and dressing. Maybe u will between your wife and dressing, tho?
From my experience, when one person gives the other in a relationship an unconditional ultimatum, they're DONE! Get that good attorney now, just in case!Originally Posted by almostalady
Last edited by docrobbysherry; 03-13-2013 at 08:36 PM.
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
Marriage is all about compromise, however, the area of your brain that causes you to crossdress is a core part of your being. You can't make it go away and you can't stop crossdressing. Trying to do so will cause you to suffer depression and in extreme cases even alcohol/drug abuse. Your wife needs to understand these facts.
You will become stronger in the ways of the Pink Fog. May the Pink Fog guide you and be with you now and forever.
Family comes first no matter what. Even though I know this lifestyle is part of me more than I will ever know, I know my family means so much more to me. If I didn't care I wouldn't hide it from them. Even though she knows I still keep most of it private. Sounds like you are going to see a counselor. Why not wait to see what comes out of that before you make your decision.
Do you have children? Think of how this whole thing would affect them.
im sorry to hear that. my ex-wife left me for that reason, and i would only dress like a few times a year and never fully. She even sent me away to a "christian" live in counseling program. it was either i do that or she would leave me any ways. but as it turned out it didnt work. you cant pray these things away. really i think it comes down to how much a person really loves some one and if they are willing to throw away their marriage vows on something you really cant change. im sorry if i seem frank or offend any one but that is how i see it. i sapose that if you want to live your life with out dressing up that is your choice, but that is a hard choice to make. and if that's what you choose to do and succeed then good luck and you have way more will power than I do. either way i wish you the best.
It is not about "will power". That is the mistake that many of the folks here on crossdressers.com make. It has been proven that it is a core part of your being and that it cannot be "cured". Maybe it can be cured with a frontal lobotomy, but anything cure that is less drastic simply will not work. You can try with a big purge and an even bigger promise and it will appear that it has gone away for a while, but it will come back with a vengeance, guaranteed! It is important to accept this part of yourself otherwise it will manifest in other ways such as severe depression or an addiction such as drugs or alcohol.
Oh right you are, Jamie, right you are. Even if we use her wife's "addiction" theory - will power doesn't make any difference with that either. Never helped me any. Screw willpower - it is useless in some instances. This is one of them.
IMO people that have an attitude "My way or the Highway" are hard to live with.
Relationships are about giving and taking.
We are not talking about a habit that hurts people, and some feel it is healthy for those that do it.
You don't need to be in every ones face about it, but if it is who you are, she has to give a little.
Your family has to matter, but you also need to be true to who you are.
I liked the new therapist tonight. she seems very nice. She was all about me finding out what all the wife knows about c/ding truth or fiction. She pointed out all the negative stuff out there and how it might have affected her. she is not that versed it crossdressing matters but has dealt with other forms of gender issues. She was very willing to research it and help me in any way she can. I will try her for a few sessions and see how it goes.
She doesnt want me to leave her and is wondering what kind of comprimise she can make. she wants me to be happy not stop just to make herself happy.
Thank goodness that opinion is in the minority. Being miserable for the sake of family sounds stoic, but is insane.
That sounds really positive Sara. I'm glad your wife is trying to work with you - this is a good sign in my opinion.
Sara, my wife and I have reached a compromise that works for both of us. Here is an excerpt from a previous post:
My situation is a little strange. My wife accepts and even has said she enjoys when I shave my legs and wear thigh highs or pantyhose. She loves the smooth legs under the covers, and it has brought spice back to our marriage. She says that is kinky and sensual. Surprisingly she purchased a silk dressing gown and some stockings for me shortly after I came out to her.
When I came out, I told her very specifically that my fetish...fantasy...need...whatever it is I have inside me, involved not just hose but stiletto heels and skirts/dresses. She seemed OK with that at the time but the first time she saw my legs in hose, heels, and the dressing gown (I had not yet acquired any skirts or dresses) I think it freaked her out. Maybe my legs looked more feminine than she thought they would. She said she didn't want to see me in heels anymore, though she knew full well I had purchased some and was OK with me wearing them when I was alone traveling.
A few weeks later I tested the waters when we were clothes shopping for her. She was looking at bandage skirts and I looked for an XL, telling her I wanted one for myself. That went over like a lead balloon. We had a big talk that night and she said if I wanted skirts, dresses, or anything else, she absolutely did not want to see me in them, would not go shopping with me, etc. I told her I would respect her wishes, but that I intended to buy some things. A few days after that she asked what I was doing on the computer, and I told her I was buying some "things" for my hobby. She just stood there, kind of surprised. I asked if she wanted to see, but she declined.
It's been pretty much DADT since then. But sometimes she seems far more tolerant. We went to some formal dinners and she surprised me by asking me if I would underdress with matching hose (asking in a way that was clear that she wanted me to do so), probably because we are always very affectionate when I am underdressed. For some reason I feel very close to her when we are wearing matching brands and shades of hose--her openly, and I in secret--and I think she has come to appreciate an attentive, more loving husband. That's been an offshoot of my dressing. On those same nights she seemed OK with some "shoe play", where we had impromptu "leg contests", seeing whose legs looked better in heels. She was completely OK with me wearing heels for a few minutes, and even let me take pics.
But I have never worn a skirt or dress in front of her. I own several of each by now, and some shoes and boots she hasn't seen. I've ordered some foundation garments, and can't wait to try them under the skirts and dresses, though right now I wouldn't dream of wearing them in front of her. But who knows? The other night she hinted that she wanted to know what else I purchased, but then reconsidered. I told her I would be happy to share whenever she was ready. Today a Macy's Spring shoe catalog came. We looked together and she laughed genuinely when I told her I wouldn't wear a style she liked, but that I'd be happy to buy it for her...
It's only been 3 months. I'm trying to take it slow. Maybe the more time passes, the more she will understand this is a relatively harmless hobby, and she is not going to lose her husband. I'd love one day to dress up completely--with her help--but that day may never come. Time will tell.
Is this optimum for me? No. Is it worth risking my marriage to indulge in my fetish (which as Reine points out, that's exactly what it is) or cause her anguish? No.
If you respect and love your wife you can reach a compromise.
Major progress Sara!
So, so, so vey happy for you, Sara! I'm praying that you can work it out! You both deserve to be happy!
Last edited by DaniG; 03-14-2013 at 10:47 AM.
If I loved my wife, then there is no doubt that I would choose her. I would, however, let her know that I would continue to CD in private and would do the best I could to be sure she never saw me, since it troubles her. I hope your counseler can help. Good luck!
Di
That's excellent Sara, hopefully things will brighten up! Stay positive!
This is exactly why so many of us suggest that this needs discussion prior to marriage to clear the air and avoid relationships where a hardened attitude exist. I realize it is too late for this one, but in the future always discuss CDing before marriage, it will save many tears later.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. Mark Twain
You used the term "family," but didn't mention if you have children. Are there kids involved? If so, how old? & does she really love you? IMHO family as blood is on a different level than family in marriage (i. e., a legal contract), and I might rank my priorities differently.
✻ღϠ₡ღ✻ Ϡ₡Ϡ₡Ϡ₡Ϡ₡Ϡ₡✻ ღϠ₡ღ✻
No One Can Make You Feel Inferior Without Your Consent
Did you and your wife both go or just you? I don't think it's going to help much if you go alone unless you're looking to the therapist to "cure" you.
If you want this marriage to continue, both of you need to understand the other person's wants, needs, and fears. If you can't live without crossdressing and your wife can't stay married to a crossdresser, it's over. Otherwise, you both need to come to an understanding about your dressing.
The advice someone posted about telling your wife you stopped, but just keep doing it in private is not good advice. When she finds out in a few years that you've been doing it behind her back, it will be a big blowup.
[SIGPIC]http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=82706&dateline=137762 0356[/SIGPIC]Linda
its very difficult to give any meaningful suggestions without knowing more background. How long have you been married? How long have you been dressing and how long has she known? Maybe a therapist can be helpful to go things out in the open and really expose why she is so negative about it.
Of course you could do some of that even without the therapist if you just ask her: What is your biggest concern or fear about crossdressing?
I have two little kids. We talked last night and she is going to to therapy also again. She wants to me to be happy so she is going to see if she can work out a compromise. I think this will be a slow long process. I am just tired of the tension.
U need to see that therapist together. Then, your SO's questions will be answered by a knowledgable 3rd party that she may believe more than u. This will also relieve u of some of the pressure of trying to broker a compromise. Maybe the counselor can do it for u?
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
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