so Eliz you are well served to focus on your distress.. you need to calm that distress. you know you need to calm the distress....to me that's "knowing"....

focusing on the idea of simply transition or dont, and leaving out all the other stuff eliminates the need for a narrative...surely a narrative can help..it helped me to hear others had sexual feelings(i met a therapist over the weekend over drinks and she said in her experience ..100s of ts women, the MAJORITY had some element of sexual feeling!!)...it helped me to hear others thought they were cd's at first...etc... but for you Eliz you don't have that right now...would it help you to find someone that is delighted with a successful transition that had the same narrative?? or would it just make you feel worse? how would it change your thought that transition would be a good thing for you? all this is to say that as much as its hard to beleive it could just be your repression was absolute for whatever reason...we'll never know..you'll never know...if going back there doesnt help, dont go back there...

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this is right on topic...

THis weekend on demand I watched an amazing documentary called Still Alive...about Paul Williams...if you don't know, he wrote some of the most enduring and popular ballads of the 70's...he scored movies and his songs made him millions upon millions...he was wildly popular on tv shows and movies and guest hosted the mike douglas show...he was a superstar personality, frequently on Johnny Carson...he was beloved ..he also drifted into obscurity after alcohol and drug addiction ...

the filmaker had a point of view that was about how low he sank in the 2000's to the point no one even knew or cared if he was alive except for a circuit of fan clubs in Canada and Asia!!!!!! (where he had some rabid fans)....at first P Williams was distant and unsure.... it was awkward..but over time Williams energy came out...he's a very entertaining and emotional guy....honestly his night club gigs were pathetic as entertainment...but he was clearly enjoying doing them...

Near the end of the film, Williams sat with the film maker, and watched a hosting gig where he was drunk and high...he made a total ass of himself...he said offensive things and was surly and obnoxious.... you could see P Williams sinking in his chair as he watched.... this was the night that killed his career... and finally he freaked out and turned it off...but he said a wonderful thing...

he said (paraphrase)...that was one night in my life...it was a moment in my life...i had a great time...i made money, i had fame, i lovedit...but then i blew it.... today i am happy...i am offended you think i've sank lower...I'm doing great and i love my life...
I see NO REASON TO GO BACK THERE>>>IT DOES NOTHING FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...(end of paraphrase)....does that mean anything to anyone here??

at the end of the movie...P williams disclosed that he had a storage locker, filled with a mountain of old song sheets, movies and videos of his performances, orchestras doing scores for his movies and people singing his songs... he loaned them all to the film maker as archive footage...and he never asked for them back