We had an individual at our support group last night and she was very uncomfortable. She came to the meeting dressed and fidgited the entire time. she had many doubts who she was or where she was headed. She felt that she was 2 people and the most voiced opinion is it was ok to have doubts and to not know. I explained that she needs to take a slow approach and try to find ways to express herself and try to find a point she is comfortable with. I think it is that way with most of us due to the social pressures imposed upon us and the expectation to act as your biological self. I can not say I knew at an early age i was trans, as I really had no idea what it meant. I do know from an early age I wanted to be the opposite gender than I was born, and since I grew up in a time period that there was no real information except for sensationalism and scorn I was forced to hide and suppress my true emotions. I kinda felt i would transition if the right circumstances came about, but they never seemed to and I was somewhat content to engage in activities that mitigated my distress. As those of us that do start transition know I reached a point where I had to explore the feasibility of freer expression. Not wanting to upset the balance of my life as I knew it I fought my acceptance of my condition. I asked many questions and was hoping my therapist would talk me out of it or say I was deep in the fog and would see the hear the buoy to guide my way out. I am thankful I had a very insightful therapist that guided me and gave me the questions to ask myself to determine if what I felt was real or fantasy. The reality was I was not in the fog but in clear skies and my path would open to me. As I progressed and came to forks in the road, every turn I take to transition feels right and fills me with great joy. I have many moments that I experience guilt and sadness regarding the change of dynamics with my loving wife and realizing our future will never be what we or 'she imagined. It causes me great pain and a burden that will always be with me as I alone am responsible for the changes that are forcing her to make decisions at this late junction in her life. Decisions she never thought she would have to make. In the midst of my sadness I am experiencing exhilaration and have a tremendous amount of positive energy that allows me to function and interact with others in a more dynamic way furthering my thirst for life. Once I was able to accept who I was and realize how long I keep her under wraps, Only at that point could I take real control of my destiny and do what I feel is right for me. and in the long run be a better person.
