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Thread: At what age did you know you were TS?

  1. #101
    Senior Member stefan37's Avatar
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    We had an individual at our support group last night and she was very uncomfortable. She came to the meeting dressed and fidgited the entire time. she had many doubts who she was or where she was headed. She felt that she was 2 people and the most voiced opinion is it was ok to have doubts and to not know. I explained that she needs to take a slow approach and try to find ways to express herself and try to find a point she is comfortable with. I think it is that way with most of us due to the social pressures imposed upon us and the expectation to act as your biological self. I can not say I knew at an early age i was trans, as I really had no idea what it meant. I do know from an early age I wanted to be the opposite gender than I was born, and since I grew up in a time period that there was no real information except for sensationalism and scorn I was forced to hide and suppress my true emotions. I kinda felt i would transition if the right circumstances came about, but they never seemed to and I was somewhat content to engage in activities that mitigated my distress. As those of us that do start transition know I reached a point where I had to explore the feasibility of freer expression. Not wanting to upset the balance of my life as I knew it I fought my acceptance of my condition. I asked many questions and was hoping my therapist would talk me out of it or say I was deep in the fog and would see the hear the buoy to guide my way out. I am thankful I had a very insightful therapist that guided me and gave me the questions to ask myself to determine if what I felt was real or fantasy. The reality was I was not in the fog but in clear skies and my path would open to me. As I progressed and came to forks in the road, every turn I take to transition feels right and fills me with great joy. I have many moments that I experience guilt and sadness regarding the change of dynamics with my loving wife and realizing our future will never be what we or 'she imagined. It causes me great pain and a burden that will always be with me as I alone am responsible for the changes that are forcing her to make decisions at this late junction in her life. Decisions she never thought she would have to make. In the midst of my sadness I am experiencing exhilaration and have a tremendous amount of positive energy that allows me to function and interact with others in a more dynamic way furthering my thirst for life. Once I was able to accept who I was and realize how long I keep her under wraps, Only at that point could I take real control of my destiny and do what I feel is right for me. and in the long run be a better person.
    "When failure is off the table the only thing left is to negotiate levels of success" M Hobbes

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  2. #102
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PaulaQ View Post
    Thanks, my apologies for using the wrong section.
    No, no NO! LOL

    I'm not at all suggesting you shouldn't post here, of course you can if you're questioning things. Just saying that if you ever want to know the nuts and bolts about how people (who do not identify as men) have found peace living their lives without transitioning, you should ask the question in a different place that is meant for discussions about transition. You were asking about a workaround for the dilemma of people who are not happy as men, but who might not be happy as women either, .

    Reine

  3. #103
    trans punk Badtranny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marleena View Post
    In my case I don't give a crap if anybody thinks I'm TS or not. The only difference is I do not need to transition (SRS) just to prove it.
    If you don't know already, I wasn't addressing you specifically, I was speaking more to the zeitgeist of the thread. ;-)

    Nobody here has anything to prove. Certainly not to me anyway, I'm just another nut in the peanut gallery.


    Quote Originally Posted by Marleena View Post
    ... and you have your shit together.
    My shit is nowhere near together, but I'm okay with that. ;-)

    My secret to success is learning to be happy with the here and now, while being dissatisfied with the status quo.
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  4. #104
    Silver Member Kathryn Martin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Badtranny View Post
    My secret to success is learning to be happy with the here and now, while being dissatisfied with the status quo.
    For that, Misty, I will declare my love for you.
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 03-19-2013 at 07:19 AM. Reason: Exception made to rules to improve understanding
    "Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)

  5. #105
    a beautiful metalhead JessicaM1985's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kathryn Martin View Post
    That would be a very strong limb. I would be very interested to know more about your "aha" moment around age 14 if you care to share.

    Fair enough. My moment stemmed from my discovery of autogynephilia. I enjoyed crossdressing and doing certain other things while watching certain kinds of videos. Do I still have it? Nope, yet I still have a burning desire to transition and live life as a woman. Getting dressed does nothing for me anymore in that way, but it certainly does help me feel like I "fit".
    I started "borrowing" my dad's (then) wife's garments and stuff. It was due to the AGP that I was very confused for a while as to whether I was a CD, TG, or TS. Add in religious brainwashing and conservative socialization that it took me 12 years to actually address the issue. Ironically enough I recently discovered from my older stepsister (who I lost touch with from the age of 10 up until two years ago) that her and I used to play dress up often when I was about 2-3, although I have no memory of it.

    For the sake of argument, I'll stick with saying my moment came at age 14. I found myself incredibly jealous of other women, their fashion, and the way the could feel so comfortable in their body and just be themselves. Due to the AGP, I also grew VERY jealous of sex from their perspective. It was how I knew I was at least bisexual, and probably trans in some shape or form. Of course even then, I still didn't have a name for it. Having been raised by religious nuts, there was no distinction between gay, bi, or trans (which is not an orientation). All of them were considered "that gay crap" and any time I demonstrated that tendency I had the living hell beaten out of me. (I'm talking fists, boots, and belts)
    So that would explain how fear and brainwashing caused me to wait so long in life to attempt to do anything about it or try to understand it further. That may also explain why the AGP feelings were so intense then and why it literally does nothing for me now; there is no massive danger or fear involved anymore because where I'm at, I'm 100% free to look anyway I choose and be completely myself.

    As a side note (because I've seen convos head in this direction towards me before and on several occasions):
    Even if none of this "convinces" anyone here of my trans-state, no cares (<---a necessary editing of the actual word here) will be given on my end. I know who I am now and I'm happy with that.
    Last edited by JessicaM1985; 03-18-2013 at 10:28 PM.
    "To deny our impulses, is to deny the very thing that makes us human...." - Mouse from The Matrix
    Love me or hate me, I will always be myself.

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  6. #106
    Member DaniG's Avatar
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    I'm very sorry that you had to go through that.
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 03-18-2013 at 11:20 PM. Reason: No need to quote the preceding post

  7. #107
    a beautiful metalhead JessicaM1985's Avatar
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    Thank you Dani. I'm sorry I had to go through that too, but as I learned in life, we can take our negative experiences and turn them into positive ones that others can benefit from. In doing so we regain control of our lives from those that tried to destroy us.
    I also share this because I had a great many mental issues, brainwashing, and conditioning that I had to undo before I could ever be anywhere near ready to deal with my gender identity and the things that come with it. It is for this reason that I believe that may be a plausible reason why you have some people that don't transition until late in life.
    "To deny our impulses, is to deny the very thing that makes us human...." - Mouse from The Matrix
    Love me or hate me, I will always be myself.

    I'm just the kind of gal that likes death metal, beer, and "dad" jokes. Oh and I build computers and play PC games.

  8. #108
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JessicaM1985 View Post
    Fair enough. My moment stemmed from my discovery of autogynephilia.
    It always saddens me to see someone has been taken in by the discredited pseudo-science of Blanchard. He only invented the term to validate his contention that there are no true transsexuals and then in his BS "study" discounted all evidence that we do exist.

    You have suffered enough at the hands of people who would not accept you and your intrinsic value as a human being, I hope you can also break free of the haters such as Blanchard and truly discover your own self worth.
    Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.

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  9. #109
    a beautiful metalhead JessicaM1985's Avatar
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    Oh well at the time I had no idea what the term was for it. I just liked to dress up and...er... relieve those particular urges while dressed. I didn't know there was a medical term for it until last year. You can imagine the shock on my face when I used to do was exactly the description I was reading. Still, as I've said I'm not really into that anymore. Strange now that I have complete freedom to be that way if I so choose, I have none of those urges anymore. It's through living as a woman that I find my confidence and inner voice; something I had lacked my whole life. The hows and whys do not really phase me and I'm not pushing too hard to seek them anymore. I just know it is what it is, and that by working my way through transition, I can continue to be the happy and confident woman that I am.
    "To deny our impulses, is to deny the very thing that makes us human...." - Mouse from The Matrix
    Love me or hate me, I will always be myself.

    I'm just the kind of gal that likes death metal, beer, and "dad" jokes. Oh and I build computers and play PC games.

  10. #110
    trans punk Badtranny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kathryn Martin View Post
    For that, Misty, I will declare my love for you.
    ...and I will accept.

    ;-)
    Quote Originally Posted by STACY B
    At least there is social acceptance in being a drunk in our world. Hell I was good at it too.
    Melissa Hobbes
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  11. #111
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rianna Humble View Post
    It always saddens me to see someone has been taken in by the discredited pseudo-science of Blanchard. He only invented the term to validate his contention that there are no true transsexuals and then in his BS "study" discounted all evidence that we do exist.
    A transwoman who experiences her sexuality is just like everyone else who is sexual. Being sexual and AGP are two different things.

    Although Blanchard was misplaced in labeling a transwoman's natural sexuality as a fetish, the concept of AGP in itself is not pseudo-science. Blanchard did come up with a term that is widely applicable to fetish crossdressers. A lot of people on the other side of this forum have confirmed that the term fits them well. There are a significant number of fetish crossdressers who get off sexually on the mental image of themselves as a woman (usually when they are dressed), and some take it further when they say they are hetero yet they want to be with men *but only when they are dressed*. Furthermore, this fantasy also displaces the sexual energy with their partners. It is a rather contentious issue in some relationships.

    If a transwoman notices the same behaviors within herself as some of the Cders, I don't blame her for questioning whether it is fetish for her as well and I think it is good to work through this, as Jessica did. If someone felt they were TS, but they were unable to work through the auto-eroticism, if it continued to be a major motive for wanting to "be" female, then would you be of the opinion that they were TS?

    I think that being aware of AGP and determining that it is NOT behind a person's desire to transition is rather a useful tool.
    Reine

  12. #112
    a beautiful metalhead JessicaM1985's Avatar
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    I agree Reine. I don't think that a TS is incapable of having that particular type of fetish, but if that is the predominant motive behind the transition, I don't think that transitioning will be successful. I reflect on some of the things said to me in the past on here regarding that, and yeah you guys were right in that regard. I feel it's prudent and smart to really question your motives for wanting to transition, and as such I spent much time in personal reflection on this. I poked and prodded every argument I had in favor of it with a counterargument for a while, and there are times I still do this. Btw, the shower is a great place for me to think, as is when I spend time resting and reflecting before I actually roll over and go to sleep. I wish I still had my old recliner because there were some days on the weekend that I would spend all day just looking at the ceiling while lost in personal thought. The topic of my gender identity is one that I have spent the most time on out of any other.

    The conclusion I came to is that even when I had my "dry spells" where the urge to dress was not on me at all, there was still dysphoria. That feeling that there is something wrong with me, that feeling that I'm out of place in my body but I have no idea what it was, is something that I've had my whole entire life. I just never knew exactly what it was until I discovered that there were a group of people that were called "transgender". Even then, my religious upbringing was a barrier to my learning anything more about it. Fear is a very powerful tool for the tyrannical to keep the oppressed at bay, and my father and his (now ex) wife were no different. Even after I had turned 18 and had moved out, I still kept their horrid beliefs trapped inside my skull. It took the next 8 years for me to undo that tinkering and brainwashing before I was even comfortable enough to confront what I secretly knew was wrong with me. It's weird to because while I had a very good hunch that I was transgender in some way, I still was having trouble placing myself on the trans spectrum. My gender identity is female, the way I dress is predominantly female, but my expression is somewhere in between. I liken myself to be similar to a "butch" female. Because I still did have some minor male tendencies, I didn't know what I was. Then I realized that "hey, there are ciswomen like beer, extreme metal and raunchy humor just as much as any guy does, so that does not make me any less of a woman."
    Still during those 8 years of pretending I'm a man, I found myself making plea deals with myself. "Well if I don't make it as a famous musician, then yeah I'll go ahead and get that sex change." (forgive me, I was pretty ignorant back in the day. Like many, I thought a "sex change" was a one time operation and that I magically had boobs and a vagina afterwards with a girly voice and would be universally accepted by all. smh)
    When things didn't work out, I'd alter the plea deal with another condition, followed by another. It wasn't until July of 2011 when I came out to people as a bisexual male that I felt comfortable enough afterwards to tackle my gender identity issues. Even then, it took me until around christmas of that year to accept that I'm at least an avid crossdresser and actually come out to people about it and sign up on this forum. Funny how my introductory post here showed me being so afraid and timid of the subject that I actually had a hard time even picking a female name because I thought I'd dabble with crossdressing willy-nilly like it was some random hobby and no thought involved to it. (in hindsight this is disrespectful to CDs and I apologize for that)

    I've come a long way from that, and even then, I've barely even passed the first stretch. But I at least know who I am now, and with that knowledge I can do what I feel is necessary to live the way I feel that I should.
    Last edited by JessicaM1985; 03-19-2013 at 02:36 AM.
    "To deny our impulses, is to deny the very thing that makes us human...." - Mouse from The Matrix
    Love me or hate me, I will always be myself.

    I'm just the kind of gal that likes death metal, beer, and "dad" jokes. Oh and I build computers and play PC games.

  13. #113
    Senior Member melissaK's Avatar
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    Really? The whole AGP discussion again?

    Reine, I'm sorry to hear AGP is alive and well anywhere on these boards. I lived through a period of my development thinking it fit and made sense, but in the long run it didn't and doesn't. IMHO it sets a trap for those who desperately want an explanation AND a reason to deny larger TS issues. And ALL of us pretty much want to deny we have to transition.

    I'd wager a lot of CDers are exactly that, TS in denial working their mental ass off to avoid following through on what their inner voice is telling them. It's one thing for them to do this consciously, it's another thing to create the AGP category that denies them a logical way to move on when GD worsens in their life. AGP is the Sirens in Homer's Odyssey.
    Hugs,
    'lissa

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  14. #114
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    Although Blanchard was misplaced in labeling a transwoman's natural sexuality as a fetish, the concept of AGP in itself is not pseudo-science. Blanchard did come up with a term that is widely applicable to fetish crossdressers.
    You and I will have to disagree whether Blanchard's widely discredited paper based on so-called research that excluded consideration of all alternative explanations of what he observed was or was not pseudo-science. He did not coin the term to describe what fetish cross-dressers do, he coined it to discredit transsexuals.

    Blanchard failed to apply the most basic principles of scientific study, therefore I persist in the view that his paper was and still is pseudo-science.

    The fact that a population who were not intended to be covered by this so-called study may now have become convinced that a term that was not intended to describe their experience may nonetheless apply to them does not make Blanchard's methods any more scientific.
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  15. #115
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rianna Humble View Post
    You and I will have to disagree whether Blanchard's widely discredited paper based on so-called research that excluded consideration of all alternative explanations of what he observed was or was not pseudo-science. He did not coin the term to describe what fetish cross-dressers do, he coined it to discredit transsexuals.
    I do agree that Blanchard's sample was small, the subjects were self-selected and this is why his research was so widely criticized. Using the concept of AGP to describe a transwoman's motive for transition under these circumstances is ridiculous, in my opinion.

    But, surely you must have seen the numerous posts on the other side of the forum over the years, from the crossdressers who do say that the concept applies to them? I'm saying that the condition of AGP does exist, separate from any discussion of its applicability to transwomen, and in this respect it is not pseudo science. Many people do, in fact, dress for fetish and autogynephilia is as good a term as any to describe this.

    I further think that if an individual is aware of the existence of AGP, and she notices within herself a consistent drive to dress, year after year, for reasons that are purely sexual (with no accompanying motive to express an inner female identity), then it would be correct for her to determine that she is not TS. I think it can be potentially disastrous should an individual who is strictly motivated by a powerful fetish, come to believe that she is TS and seek transition, don't you?

    Maybe we're saying the same thing.

    Quote Originally Posted by melissaK View Post
    Reine, I'm sorry to hear AGP is alive and well anywhere on these boards.
    The rules in this forum explicitly prohibit graphic, sexual posts. So the bulk of the crossdressers who join aren't prone to wanting to hang around, if they are strictly fetishistic and wanting only online thrills. Still, some of our members have in the past freely admitted to dressing for fetish even though they are prohibited by forum rules to discuss their fantasies in detail, and this should not come as a surprise? We all know that if you google "crossdressing", you will see tons of sites that cater strictly to the sexual aspect of the CDing?

    That said, Jessica introduced the topic to this thread, Rianna responded, I commented on something that I did not agree with, Rianna responded to me, and now there is a discussion about AGP in this thread. Maybe the three of us can take it to a PM.
    Last edited by ReineD; 03-19-2013 at 04:35 PM.
    Reine

  16. #116
    Silver Member Kathryn Martin's Avatar
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    I believe that greatest fallacy of Blanchard's research among those mentioned by Reine was the design of the survey used then on the 362 patients of the clinic. Firstly, the survey questions excluded any answers that did not in some fashion associate the feelings of the survey takers with arousal. As a result the survey pre-supposed the hypothesis and permitted only answers that in some fashion confirmed the hypothesis. There only a few questions that permitted: no arousal! as an answer. Those were weighted and those that answered with: no arousal! were considered liars in the conclusions.

    Secondly, Blanchard specifically says it is a hypothesis not even a theory. Since it has been elevated to so much more, so that we now speak of it as a condition although the hypotheses has never been proven. It's really a flawed kind of quacky dilettante piece of work. That it happens to describe experiences some have does not make it a valid condition. Just my 102 cents
    "Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)

  17. #117
    Little Girl
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