"Try not to be too hard on yourself."

[Anne2345]

"Try not to be too hard on yourself," a well-intentioned friend of mine advised shortly ago.

Hmmmm . . . .

Try not to be too hard on myself . . . .

Try not to be too hard on myself . . . .

How very interesting.

I mean, could it be that all of this time I have simply been too hard on myself??! Nothing more, nothing less. Just plain too hard on myself??!

Because if that is the case, and all I have to do is take a few deep breaths, relax, and maybe crack open a beer, flip on the game, have some fun, and not be too hard on myself, then WTF have I been doing all of this time????

HOLY F'ING CRAP!!!!!

Try not to be too hard on myself??!!

Are you kidding me???

Try not to be too hard on myself??!!

Seriously??!! Really??!!

And just how the **** am I being too hard on myself to begin with??!!

Oh yeah, that not relaxing and not worrying part I seem to fail so miserably at doing. I guess you could also add in that feeling wrong part, the feeling desperate part, the part that hurts all the time, and all the other parts that are shitty, too. I suppose that's how I am being too hard on myself.

Silly me . . . .

I should know better than to be too hard on myself. God I suck!!!

[ReineD]

Reminds me of episodes with Dr. Phil, who is not my favorite person. No matter how dire the situation, how much the person in front of him suffers, grieves, is stuck, etc, his attitude seems to be, "Well, what's wrong with you! Snap out of it!"

[kellycan27]

That's how I view most " feel good" posts... Add 3.00 and you can get yourself a crummy cup of coffee.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Oh yeah, that not relaxing and not worrying part I seem to fail so miserably at doing. I guess you could also add in that feeling wrong part, the feeling desperate part, the part that hurts all the time, and all the other parts that are shitty, too. I suppose that's how I am being too hard on myself.

Silly me . . . .

I should know better than to be too hard on myself. God I suck!!!

I am so with you on that. I got/get that advice all the time. Well meaning but doesn't help much.

However I am going to suggest you do two things:

1. Take a break from posting....I think a week should be fine...maybe two but not more than two, take some deep breaths, meditate a little, do toehr things instead of here. (Maybe I should do the same thing)

2. And after that week, It "feels" to me like ti would be a good time for you to start your Diary Thread here or in the Safe Haven. They seemed to help some people when they had one thread they could just put their days feelings in. That will let you keep a sort of living history of your emotions, and I do believe you will see how you change and grow and become happy. Because I see happiness in your future.

Veronica

[melissaK]

Hmmm. Anne, sweetie, I need some context. What were you bitching about when your mendicant friend offered that advice? Follow with me here - the remark upset you. Right? I know remarks that upset ME the most, usually do so because they are right, and I am wrong about something. So why did this friends judgment matter to you? Did the remark call you out on something you're not admitting to yourself?

For example I realize I am hard on myself because I agree to live my life following or obeying social rules that I am not cut out to follow and i just cant succeed at them. That's one way I make life hard on myself. And if your friend said "don't be so hard on yourself" to ME that's probably what they'd have meant.

But without knowing the context of your conversation, I can't offer more kibitzing.

[KellyJameson]

I do think the negative self image or negative internal self talk is important to address.

No one just wakes up one day and decides they are a woman with a birth defect.

This is a long tortuous road whose beginnings were laid at birth that makes itself known in very unpredictable ways that are predicatable only in hindsight when the final pieces of understanding fall into place.

Being "To Hard On Yourself" is sitting in judgement of yourself. How could this be absent in GD?

It is understanding why we sit in judgement of ourselves that is important.

First in the how and when the "how" is seen clearly than the "whys" are explored.

I think a transsexual is especially vulnerable to being wounded by the world so it is doubly important to not do it to ourselves.

I think it is important to see yourself as having survived a type of trauma that requires a great deal of self care.

To be transsexual means you must be your own best friend otherwise you will add to your misery.

Being your own best friend is watching closely those inner voices of self judgement and writing down these thoughts as they occur.

Bring them out into the open and challenge these beliefs because they were put into you by others, perhaps as a consequence of how you were born or perhaps not but regardless these beliefs really are not yours.

[Nicole Erin]

I think you are going thru the mental anguish part of things.
Before long, you will settle in and not be worrying about junk.

[Aprilrain]

Buck up soldier, things aren't so bad! ; )

[Xrys]

if i had a nickle for every time i have heard that phras, i could actually afford to look like a beautiful woman instead of looking like lurch in a wig. but ill get there one day. i know how you feel, but in hind sight MelissaK has a point. the comments that bring out my inner bitch are the ones that are right on the money. i mean how dare they be right and call me out on my own faults that i already know about but dont seem to be doing anything to correct. any way, hope you are feeling better by now and try not to be to...., wow, that phrase just likes to roll right out. its like a subcouncious reflex or something that just trigers itself when we see someone beating themselves over, well, just about anything i guess. i wonder how many times i have said it without even realizing it. ill have to start keeping track now. oh, i got distracted again. have a cup of tea, or hot coco, which ever you prefer, and think happy thoughts.

[Rianna Humble]

Xrys, you're still doing better than me - I look more like uncle Fester

I won't tell either you or Anne not to be too hard on yourselves, just suggest the first couple of verses in the following:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

awww Anne, don't be so hard on yourself!!!

it occurs to me that in these wonderful forums i have both admonished some you go girl type of posts and posted things like the dont be so hard on yourself posts... its hard to read minds because clearly MY you go girl posts are ok and others are not...

although its probably unfair of me to think i would know the difference, i think well timed compassionate "warm fuzzies" from a well informed place are different than telling a person in throes of losing their marriage to hang in there, it will be ok or the one i hate the most.."she'll come around" ..does that make sense??

i kind of wonder if the test to a helpful positive post is being able to explain why before you post it...specifically why

"trying not to be so hard on yourself" is more than just a throwaway statement, its an important early step in conquering gender dysphoria...a bit simplistic and obvious...easier said that done for sure...

saying it does not make it so, but interupting somebodies reverie of self loathing seems like a constructive thing to do

[Annaliese]

People seeing someone with drive, and it is easy for them to say, you are to hard on your self, light up.

[melissaK]

I won't tell either you or Anne not to be too hard on yourselves, just suggest the first couple of verses in the following:

Always sound advice . . . :-)

[kimdl93]

"Try not to be too hard on yourself," a well-intentioned friend of mine advised shortly ago.

Hmmmm . . . .

Try not to be too hard on myself . . . .

Silly me . . . .

I should know better than to be too hard on myself. God I suck!!!

I admit, that's probably the kind of trite advice I may have offered. It's not meant to minimize your struggles or the inner conflict you've endured. Only meant that I hate to see anyone beating themselves up out of guilt or frustration. And that inner dialogue can be destructive and obsessive. One can choose to endure the pain or take steps to reduce it. That doesn't mean you'll succeed or 'snap out of it' nor that it will be easy. But what's your choice?

[Beverley Sims]

Anne,
I think I have mentioned my two friends from a long time ago,
cry as openly as you can on a friendly shoulder, it will help you feel better as pent up frustrations inside just eat into you.
Tomorrow is another day and it can be brighter than today.
Please keep smiling, keep posting and look after yourself.

Beverley.