Just found out my husband is a cross dresser and I want to know a couple of things...
1, What did I do wrong to make him this way?
2, Can I fix it?
3, How do I support him without feeling "cheated on"?
Just found out my husband is a cross dresser and I want to know a couple of things...
1, What did I do wrong to make him this way?
2, Can I fix it?
3, How do I support him without feeling "cheated on"?
You did nothing wrong. It has nothing to do with anything you did or did not do. In my case it being fixed meant being honest about who and what I am. Finally, remember that your husband would love to share his experience with you knowing there was no danger you will leave him. Good luck!
Suzanne F
You didn't do anything wrong. Odds are - nobody did anything wrong. This is something inside of him. The process of how this happens is not well understood. It has been the subject of some scientific study, but the underlying causes and mechanisms are just not well understood.Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013
No, probably not - if by "fix it" you mean "make it go away". The overwhelming evidence is that your spouse is unlikely to be able to drop this. The CD frequently does want to stop - there is a great deal of social stigma associated with this, especially in the past. I know I've tried to stop several times, and gone periods of time without it. But for me, it always comes back.2, Can I fix it?
To give you a frame of reference - I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I've been clean and sober for 23 years. Beating alcohol and drugs was the hardest thing I've ever done. And stopping that was childs-play compared to crossdressing.
There is no known ethical medical or psychological approach to stop this. None. The stuff that has been tried works so rarely that it makes alcohol and drub rehab look like a sure thing. (Alcohol and drug rehab is FAR from a sure thing.) I think this is 10x-100x harder.
If by "fix it" you mean find a way to live together, then yeah, there's a heck of a lot you can do.
1. Talk about it and be honest with one another. This will be hard for your spouse - because odds are she's lied about this her whole life.
2. Set boundaries - find compromises. Maybe you can accept seeing her dress and being "girlfriends" once a week. Maybe you can NEVER abide seeing her, but can allow her some time to herself to express this side of herself. Maybe she only wants a little time to herself to explore this. There are a variety of reasons she might behave this way. For some it is a sexual fetish. For others, they have a feminine side, and they want to express it. Others of us know we were supposed to be girls. Your spouse may not know where she falls in this range yet - we tend to lie not only to the outside world, but also to ourselves.
3. Be willing to seek professional counseling, preferably with someone with gender identity training and experience. This may help you both get through roadblocks that are tough. (And YOU may not be the biggest problem - a lot of us have trouble opening up even when our spouses say "ok, I accept you - open up, tell me everything, there is nothing you can say that will make me not love you.")
Give him some space for this - what you can tolerate, and know this isn't about you, or someone else. This is likely something within your spouse.How do I support him without feeling "cheated on"?
Thank you. I have agreed to "support him" in being himself, I love him ALL of him, and I don't want to change him. I'm not sure if he's ever thought about getting an operation or if he is just happy and satisfied with crossdressing. Last night, I surprised him with his first set of high heels and a "beginners makeup kit". I hope that I'm doing things the right way. I know that this has to be sort of stressful for him. I hope that by my acceptance and support that he's feeling a little relieved, but he doesn't really like talking about it too much. I guess I'm just really confused on what my "part" should be in this.
Hi Curiouswife,
Wow, I'll bet that was a shocker. Glad you have the fortitude to ask questions.
1, What did I do wrong to make him this way?
Absolutely nothing. He was a cross dresser before you met him and before he knew what women were. If you had a son or daughter who was gay, would you think YOU did something?
2, Can I fix it?
There is nothing broken so nothing to fix. Can you change his DNA? No. He IS a cross dresser.
3, How do I support him without feeling "cheated on"?
Tough one. First, understand that he IS this way down to his genes. It's like being gay. No one chooses to be gay, straight, a cross dresser, .... Second, talk to him. Set boundaries that you are comfortable with but allow him to be him. You do not have to see him dressed nor help him dress. BUT, you can not pretend it does not exist. Ask any question you have and he has to answer.
Really, all you can do is talk and try to learn what this is about. He doesn't know much more than you, honestly.
Lastly, remember he hid this because he is ashamed as we all are/were. Talk, talk, talk.
You're going to get a lot of comments on this post, I'm thinkin...
Much has already been stated so I'll just add a few reinforcing notes..... In my case (as there are many shades of this journey), I was born this way and didn't have a choice. I knew I was suppose to be born female at a very early age and ended up living with my secret until the internet came 'bout.
Hope you take the time and read all the responses as there are many girls on this site that are more informed than I can ever state...
Hope this helps a lil..
Renne.....
The good news is that the odds are, he hasn't thought about getting an operation. Your spouse may not really know where she's going with this. I mean that seriously. That can take some time to resolve. She may not accept this about herself well - many of us do not for quite some time.
Firs of all you are an angel! Talk to him and make sure you aren't going too fast. I know it seems weird - I mean, who wouldn't want acceptance from someone who is so loving as you clearly are? But she may not be ready to totally accept this about herself. Or maybe she is. Getting her onto this forum would probably help. Some of us feel like we are the only person on earth who's the way we are - a cross dressers.Last night, I surprised him with his first set of high heels and a "beginners makeup kit". I hope that I'm doing things the right way. I know that this has to be sort of stressful for him.
Keep doing what you are doing, keep trying to talk - not too pushy, but don't let her skate, either, and be patient and know that this can take time for her to sort out in her own mind.I guess I'm just really confused on what my "part" should be in this.
You sound like you are being great about this. Your spouse is lucky. And you are special.
Your part is what you alone decide is your part. You have no obligation to participate although you have. Cross dressing is his thing but you have every right to ask questions. My wife's first two were: "Are you gay?" and "Do you want a sex change?" This is a VERY, VERY common thing for wives.
Good questions when you must feel overwhelmed right now.
I'll try to give some brief answers:
1) - you did nothing wrong...without knowing your ages and how long you have been married I would venture to say hubby has CD'd for most of his life.
2) - CD'ing does not go away. He likely has gone thru many stages of avoidance, denial, acceptance, etc his whole life. He probably thought/hoped it would go away. If he came clean and told you about it after you have been married for a while it was likely the scariest thing he had ever done out of fear of losing you and everything else good in his life! Remember, once the toothpaste is out of the tube you cannot put it back!
3) - let him talk as much as he wants...he will want to answer all your questions and assure you that it has been hidden from you for nothing but good reasons. He likely has had to accept his CD'ing himself before he could open up to you. Keep all lines of communication open. Read as much as you can on the matter as well. This forum is a good source of information but is likely slanted in favour of CD'ing...the Internet has quite a bit of information...just stay away from the trashy websites that try to make CD'ing as an X-rated event.
Good luck and try to keep an open mind...the fact that you are here is a very good sign...he is still the guy you married and fell in love with...don't forget that!
Hi there, get more posts in and join FAB
they are a great bunch, and all your feelings are natural.
And you will see your part in this, is just to be " you"
as he will be just him, love this site.....
And its natural to not really know what to do when first faced with c/ding.
I too buy my H lots of pretty things, and he returns the favour.......
I am Loved because I am me, not just because I accept.
Thank you for saying that I am an angel, because I've never been considered that before. I only gave him the makeup and heels because he asked a while ago (before I knew that he was a crossdresser) if he could try my heels on I looked at him and asked why would he want to do that? He stated....oh no reason I guess.
As for this forum, he showed me last night and then suggested that I "become a member". I'm not sure if he posts on here or not, I don't even know what his female name is, so I couldn't even begin to find it. I'm sure though that when he's ready he will tell me everything. I don't want to be too pushy at all, I just want him to know that I'm available for him to talk to, or confide in when he is ready.
I do tell him I love him, (especially the last week) that I love ALL of him, forever.
Last edited by Eryn; 03-25-2013 at 06:47 PM. Reason: Merged consecutive posts. Please us the edit button rather than multi-posting
Those are all questions you need to discuss with him Hon.
Second star to the right and straight on till morning
You are doing about everything you can do - you are doing it right, and your spouse is very lucky to have you. Reading stuff on this forum and talking to folks here will help you understand this better. I've learned a lot since joining, and hey, you'd think I would know it all because I am one, right? Nope.
You really are being exceptional.
Not wanting to talk about it is a concern. Maybe he's embarrassed to talk about it, but he needs to get over it. I don't see you getting un-confused until he directly addresses your concerns. You've demonstrated your support, and now it's time for him to show you some trust.
Paula, thank you (and the other ladies as well), for helping me. I have to admit I wasn't sure how a "wife" would be received at all. I'm sitting here crying because of how "gentle and loving" all of you ladies are being with me and it warms my heart. I hope that you all have a support system around you because you all seem to be very special ladies. Again, thank you all and I don't expect ANYONE to know all of the answers even if they do crossdress. :x
An important thing for you to keep in mind here is not to make assumptions about your SO because of things written here at these Forums...
In almost any thread there is likely to be at least one if not many ladies, who like to use the terms "Everyone here..." or "we all at one time..." Or "no one..." Your SO is unique as we all are.
I'm quite curious about your third question. "Cheated on" as how YOU would feel or he would feel?
You seem to realize that you are walking a fine line by wanting to help? Has he or did he indicate that he uses or wants to use makeup for example?
I think many people come into the world of crossdressing confused. Including us it doesn't mean that your husband doesn't love you indeed his love for you is a completely separate creature from his dressing. The most a crossdresser can hope for is love and support and it sounds lik you're providing both. Your husband is very lucky to have you. Most of us have to deal with guilt trips and loathing.
Dear Curious
In my opinion you are an Angel, I know because I'm fortunate to be married to one (an Angel) myself. It sounds like you are handling it quite well. I dressed off and on since I was a child and always felt ashamed of it (I didn't understand it) and still don't. I have been married to my wife going on 16 years now and just came out to her a couple years ago. No one made me this way, it's just who I am. I feel (fixed) now that I have acceptance and support from someone (my wife) who does not judge me for this side of me. As time has gone by our conversation has become more frequent and at a deeper level. But all the questions that go through your mind are normal, it just might take him a while before he accepts this too. When you suppress a feeling for so long and all of a sudden have someone to share with and ask questions... well he is probably a little over loaded too.
Hugs
Jolene
Hi,
Well I can't add anything to the great advice and support you've been given.
I see you're in the Bay Area as I am. I'd recommend both of you check out Diablo Vally Girls. It's a CD/TG support group in the Concord area. I've been to a few of their socials and support group meetings. Going to the meetings and talking to others really helped me understand and accept this part of me. They also support significant others as well.
http://www.diablovalleygirls.org/
http://www.diablovalleygirls.org/Lib...o_support.html
Absolutely nothing! Nobody can be caused to be a crossdresser. It's something inside of us. Sometimes it lies hidden, ignored, or denied for decades before coming to the fore but it was always there.
Yes, but likely not in the way you mean. The urge to crossdress won't go away. The best "fix" for the situation is your understanding. Your husband is likely just as upset at the situation as you are and doubting his judgment in sharing this most private part of himself with you. Your patience and acceptance will go a long way to making the situation most comfortable for you both.
He isn't cheating on you any more than a tennis enthusiast cheats on his wife when he indulges his interest. Your husband loves and respects you greatly regardless of how he is dressed, otherwise he wouldn't have shared with you. Keep the lines of communications open and you will find that your relationship will likely be closer than before. That is my experience.
I have nothing really to add to the excellent words others have already offered. Don't ever think that your husband is the way he is because of any failing on your part. We all are only who we are. We can no more change who we are than change the sun.
There are many wives SOs that communicate here. There is also a forum just for you (Loved Ones). Generally speaking wives are well respected and most welcome here and we will try to give you all the support, answers, and help we can. You are special here and special to your husband because you do care and are looking for answers. Your support of your husband is something he will love you for even more. You are the angel of his heart. All we can offer you is our viewpoint but I think you will find us all open and honest.
Cheers
Annette
Last edited by Annette Todd; 03-25-2013 at 07:40 PM. Reason: added words of encouragement
You did nothing wrong and you can't fix it. But, if you sit down with him, tell him your concerns and listen to what he has to say you can establish some ground rules. Then keep the discussion open and as you become more comfortable with it AND he does not push it in your face and respects the boundries things will get better. You may even end up with a new girlfriend. Good luck.
To answer your first question; you didn't do aything wrong, your husband would have been a crossdresser whether he was married to you, someone else, or remained single. It is hardwired into his system from birth, and to answer question number two; there is no "cure", nothing you can do or say will cure him of the desire. The answer to question number three id much more complicated but support requires a great deal of give and take. My best suggestion would be to find some common ground that you both can be comfortable with, love your man for the person he is and not for the clothes he chooses to wear. You may never fully approve, but you might be pleasantly surprised by the results of compromise. Luv and Hugs, Jill
Luv andJill
Straight, into Fantasy Land
Most of what I would have said has already been said. I'm curious about how you found out he is a CD. You said he didn't really like talking about it, so it just made me wonder about that.
Each of us are different, every one of us wants to go to different levels with our dressing so no one else can say what he wants out of it, he may not even know. But if he is anything like me he has been hiding this part of himself most of his life, so it is hard to talk about it. I know growing up (for me anyway) I had times where I really wished I wasn't a CD, but at the same time it isn't something that will go away. I was kind of ashamed of it and did everything to hide it, I just wanted to be 'normal'. Coming out about it is one of the Hardest things for some of us to do.
Beyond that it can go however you two would like it to go. There are many S.O.'s that take the don't ask don't tell policy. I know some who want to know but never want to see. Some say they have to stop dressing. But then there are people like my wife and I (and many others here), I never go out dressed up without her, we have a great time with it together. Again though, I don't know the whole story about how you found out he dressed so it's hard to say. But it is a part of him and it seems like you want to embrace it, he just might need time to figure out that it's ok to be himself around another person (That's how I felt after my wife found out about me).
Sweet Curious wife. You have received sage counsel here, and I cannot add significantly. It is really up to you and him to talk, constantly and openly. I know you are confused. My wife was confused, and still is after 15 months of knowing, after I discovered myself 18 months ago (66 years old, go figure).
I do want to let you know that emotional ups and downs can occur, and not to let them make you feel like your support is wavering. My wife is my support, even though she cannot see me dressed or buy me things any more. At first she wanted me to dress, bought makeup, we went shopping together, etc. Unfortunately she could not keep doing that, but in no way do I think her support is lessened in any way. Intellectually she wants me to find myself in all of this, and the potential outcomes are what frighten her even though she supports me as best she can.
Should you ever feel this way, it is not a wavering of support, and should in no way impact your discussions. No matter what, it is important to talk, even if it is extremely difficult for him. It is a difficult topic for us to put words to, so don't push, but don't back away. Be his wife and lover and best friend.
Barbara
He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
- Friedrich Nietzche -
I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.
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