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Thread: Curious Wife with Questions

  1. #26
    Aspiring Member Lady Catherine's Avatar
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    All I can do is reaffirm what has already been said by others. But I have a good feeling about you two.
    I know enough to know I don't know enough.

    Peace

  2. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013 View Post
    Just found out my husband is a cross dresser and I want to know a couple of things...

    1, What did I do wrong to make him this way?
    Not a thing. This is something that we, the crossdressers here, have been carrying around for decades. For some, the realization comes sooner than later. For others, my self included, it's something that we suppressed for a long time. Then we get to a point where we begin to think that how we previously thought of ourselves may not be an accurate picture. There is another side to our being that we have ignored and now it's time to try to understand what's going on. In short, the "why" has nothing to do with you.

    Quote Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013 View Post
    2, Can I fix it?
    Fixing would inply that something is wrong and that isn't the case. Clearly it is different from what you thought, but there really isn't anything for you to fix.

    Quote Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013 View Post
    3, How do I support him without feeling "cheated on"?
    I think there needs to be a very basic conversation. I think you and your husband need to explain, in straightforward terms, what is going on for each of you. Talk about what you know, what you think you know, what changes, what one needs from the other, initial reaction, etc. This isn't easy stuff, but Life does continue.

    Now, I have made an assumption here. I have assumed that your husband is strictly a crossdresser. If it turns out that he feels he was born into the wrong body, that's a different situation. That raises other questions and could have major implications for the future.

  3. #28
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Hi Curious Wife, I'm also the partner of a crossdresser. Welcome to this place!

    You did not make him this way. He would be a crossdresser even if he had never met you or if he had never married. You cannot fix it. It is a part of his wiring and although it is not easily understood in our society, it is entirely possible for you to stop feeling threatened by it.

    How do you support him while not feeling cheated on?

    Time. There's no other way than through baby steps, learning, talking lots with your husband, and all of this will take time. Several years, maybe. You will need to redefine certain things in your relationship.

    Your emotions will also yo-yo quite a bit, so just know that it is natural to go two steps forward and one step back. Some days you will be OK with it, and other days you will wish it all to go away. Eventually, it will stabilize, you and your husband will have reached a comfortable place with it all, and you will barely notice when he dresses. Really.

    You will need to educate yourself about the CDing and in the process you will discover there is a great deal more to gender than black/white, male/female. There is a spectrum of gray shades in between, and so there is a wide variety of different needs and ways to express alternative gender identity. You will need to understand some basic definitions, and then you will spend time getting to know your husband's particular level of cross-gender expression.

    You will eventually learn that your husband (likely) does not want to do this full time, he does not do it to attract men, and he does not dress because he believes that you are not enough for him. He likely does not know why he is driven to dress, but one truth that applies to everyone here, is that they do need to.

    So the best place to start learning is to start getting involved in this forum and make friends here, while being particularly careful to show your husbands posts that frighten you, for example if you read a thread where it seems as if everyone wants to have sex with men (). We have had our share of such threads. Anyway it is important to realize that your husband will not relate to a lot of stuff here, and so you must not assume that everything you read applies to him.

    The next step is to join our private FAB (Female At Birth) forum: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...f#faq_gg_forum

    You may also want to ask about book recommendations.



    PS. Don't ever pretend to be happy about this when you're not. If you do, it will eventually blow up in your face and you will grow to resent the crossdressing. Just as your husband has been honest with you, you need to be honest with him if you don't feel like taking his picture or dressing up with him on any given night. It is important for your husband to realize that it will take you just as long to feel comfortable with it as it took him to reach self-acceptance.
    Last edited by ReineD; 03-25-2013 at 10:19 PM.
    Reine

  4. #29
    Member Michelle M's Avatar
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    Dear Curious,

    Thank You! Thank you for wanting to learn more, and Thank you for your understanding. You are a special woman.

    Please realize he is feeling very bad right now. He is confused, he is frightened that he will lose those things he cares most deeply for, and he feels that he has let you down.

    Please prop him up. He needs you, and he is not less than he was, he is now giving more. He is now Dear Hubby enhanced!

    And it's not you. You have not let him down. He's always been this way, same as me.

    I wish you both all the best,

    Michelle

  5. #30
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    I think Reine's advice is very good, Wife. U should NOT feel the need to do anything RE your SO.

    What you're "job" should be, is to figure out how u r feeling about him and his dressing. And, communicate your feelings honestly, yet unjudgementally as possible, to him.

    Remember, he may feel as confused and frustrated as u! And, your open communication may help him to open up, too.

    U r allowed, and maybe even r expected, to change your mind about how u feel. And, so is he!

    I told an old girlfriend I had been close to on and off for 25 years. I took a chance and told her about Sherry. Like u, she initially was complimentary and supportive. However, after awhile she seemed to become sick of seeing pics of and hearing about Sherry! Resentful and jealous is what I got from her. We've had no contact in over 2 years now. I guess I chose Sherry over her?

    Not saying that will happen with u 2. It's likely no one knows what will at this point.
    Last edited by docrobbysherry; 03-25-2013 at 10:34 PM.
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  6. #31
    Senior Member MissTee's Avatar
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    CuriousWife,
    I wont' repeat what others have already said. Instead, I'll provide some encouragement (I hope.) Please continue to learn, support and understand. It's the right thing to do. My wife and I have been at this together for better than 3 decades. The love we share as a result is infinite, and the shopping experiences are to die for

    Good luck sweetie!!

  7. #32
    Junior Member CuriousWife2013's Avatar
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    I think that when I referred to as "cheated on", I was thinking about him doing the CD and me not being a part of or included at all.

    As for the makeup, he did express an interest (before he told me that he was a CD) and I blew it off. Now that I know, I wanted him to know that I was okay with ALL of it, and that's why I suprised him with the makeup kit and heels.

    Dear Jolene,

    Thank you for that. We actually just got back from dinner and he said exactly that...he was a little overwhelmed at the fact that I was so "okay" with him the way he is. I was talking about going out with him all dressed up, and he literally looked like a dear caught in the headlights. I asked what was wrong, and he said he was surprised. I told him that I was a little scared but still very supportive and he said he was also a little scared. So I am going to slow down and wait for him to make the next move. But I will always support him. I love him.

    Curious.
    Last edited by Eryn; 03-26-2013 at 07:49 PM. Reason: Merged consecutive posts. Please us the edit button rather than multi-posting

  8. #33
    Silver Member AmandaM's Avatar
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    You are so awesome, CuriousWife.

  9. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013 View Post
    I think that when I referred to as "cheated on", I was thinking about him doing the CD and me not being a part of or included at all.
    It is possible that he will have difficulty sharing this for several reasons:
    - he may not know how to trust anyone, he may never have trusted anyone with this part of himself
    - he may fear rejection. Yeah, that would be irrational - you couldn't be more accepting and patient. People aren't rational
    - he may be embarrassed about his looks
    - he may not accept this about himself yet. I know that seems irrational, but doing this with you may feel like he's committing himself to this. I know that sounds crazy too, but I know I lied to myself about what I am. (I it is really hard to imagine how a person could sit around in lingerie and think "aw hell no, I'm no cross dresser!' But I did.)

    It may be something else too. Keep trying to talk to him, keep doing what you are doing. He will eventually understand you are there for him.

    Like I said, a counselor might help get things going, there's no shame in that.

    Good luck, and God bless you.

  10. #35
    Junior Member CuriousWife2013's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Annette Todd View Post
    There are many wives SOs that communicate here. There is also a forum just for you (Loved Ones). Generally speaking wives are well respected and most welcome here and we will try to give you all the support, answers, and help we can. You are special here and special to your husband because you do care and are looking for answers. Your support of your husband is something he will love you for even more. You are the angel of his heart. All we can offer you is our viewpoint but I think you will find us all open and honest.

    Cheers
    Annette
    I didn't mean to intrude, I was unaware of "The Loved Ones" Forum. I do apologize if I've overstepped my boundaries. Thanks you for the information. I really appreciate it.

  11. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013 View Post
    I didn't mean to intrude
    You are totally not intruding here! You are welcome here!

  12. #37
    Junior Member CuriousWife2013's Avatar
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    Paula,

    Thank you. You have made me feel welcome. When my husband came home from work, and saw me crying while I was re-reading your post, he asked me what was wrong. I told him that they weren't sad tears, and then I told him about how "okay" you made me feel. He wanted me to express his deepest gratitude to you and he wanted to know if you were close to us. I told him I didn't know. You already have a special place in my heart and I appreciate you and all of the knowledge that you have bestowed upon me. You are a gem!

  13. #38
    Senior Member Amanda M's Avatar
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    Curious Wife - you should be proud of yourself for what you are, and what you are doing! There will be bumps on the road ahead, mut you can get over them if you keep communication open and honest. Having read your replies, I think that you will.

    You have had some excellent advice here, of course, but please, do NOT allow yourself to be drawn into overstepping boundaries which you feel are appropriate - that way lies conflict.

    As for intruding, I think I dare speak for all of us and say welcome, and thanks for trusting us.

    I wish you both happiness,

    Hugs, AmandaM
    Last edited by Amanda M; 03-26-2013 at 01:55 AM. Reason: Additional thoughts!
    If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got!

  14. #39
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    he wanted to know if you were close to us.
    Sadly, I'm halfway across the country, although I do sometimes have to go out to the bay area.

    I'm trying to figure all this same stuff out for myself, and figure out how to go through this soon with my own wife. So if I've helped at all, I'm glad, because I'm going to need it for myself when I go through this.

  15. #40
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    First of all, this had nothing to do with you. This is something we carry inside us and is not "caused" by anyone. It's not a lacking on your part, it's not related to you at all.
    Secondly, there is nothing to fix. We are not broken, we are not in need of being "fixed". We are simply in need of someone to understand, accept, embrace and love us for who we are, in all our forms.
    Thirdly, you support him by loving him. You support him by trying to understand why he feels this way and not taking anything personally. You support him by TALKING to him and by LISTENING to him. Turning your back on him if you love him only makes it worse for both of you. It drives a wedge between you and can only lead to heartache.
    I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !

  16. #41
    Junior Member CDChloe1972's Avatar
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    Your SO does sound incredibly lucky to have you.

    Your gift of the shoes and make up is a WONDROUS start

    COMMUNICATION is the biggest key you've got to exploring this new side of him/each other together

    Let him know that you accept him and you do love ALL of him as you've stated in here because hearing that will probably mean the world to him right now.

    anyway, you've ticked all the boxes for a good start on this together

    more power to you both

    xx Chloe xx

  17. #42
    Lady in Being (7/20/17) AmyGaleRT's Avatar
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    Curious Wife, as far as I can tell, you are doing the right thing thusfar. You are accepting of your husband, supporting of him, and even encouraging him (getting him heels and makeup, talking about going out with him dressed). This makes you an exceptional lady who deserves some extra-special hugs.

    One thing to keep in mind is that he himself may feel ambivalent about his crossdressing. He may feel like it's something he has to hide, reinforced by all the years he did have to hide it. It may take him time to feel comfortable dressed around you, and to realize that his feminine side is actually a blessing, not something to be hidden. (I was atypical; I first dressed for my fiancee very shortly after telling her, and I have never had trouble with her seeing me as Amy.) The way you break him out of his shell is to keep the lines of communication open. Talk to him about it. Ask him about his history with it: when did he first put on an item of women's clothing? What item was it? What made him try it? How did his feelings about it change over time? Learn what it was like to be him, and reassure him that it's okay for him to be the way he is. Because it is, really.

    One other thing you did right: you came here. On this site, you won't be judged or thought to be "intruding." But, since you've read through the previous posts in this thread, you already know that. If your husband's not a member, I would encourage him to become one. He'll be welcomed and treated like a lady the minute he shows up.

    May the two of you both continue and grow in your happiness!

    - Amy
    Amy Gale Ruth Bowersox (nee Tapie) - "Be who you are, and be it in style!"
    Member, Board of Trustees, Gender Identity Center of Colorado
    aka Amelia Storm - Ms. Majestic Hearts of All Colorado 2018-2019, Miss Majestic Hearts of All Colorado 2015-2016

  18. #43
    Member andrea lace's Avatar
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    Hi Curious
    I came out to my wife 3 months ago. I thought before telling her that I would loose everything. How wrong I was we now get on better than ever. A new era of love trust and understanding has developed between us. I see by your post you are accepting of your husbands CDing. No you cant fix it as nothing is broken. It is likely he CDed way before you even met him so you did nothing wrong to make him that way. An

  19. #44
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    I have not read any other posts so I will give you my views.
    One, you did nothing wrong and you did not make him this way.
    I think that will be a standard reply from all here.

    Two, If you are looking for a cure, no!
    I suggest talking to him and without any angst between either of you.
    It is an adjustment of lifestyle and getting used to your husband wearing something feminine.
    To help you along, let him wear female jeans and dress androgynously around home.
    You can say no breast enhancement, meaning let him wear a bra but not pad them out.
    He may like to wear nice undies, you can let him as you do not ave to see them.
    When a man is restricted from dressing he becomes moody and sour.
    let him have a little rope and he is as good as gold.
    It is really remarkable.

    Three,
    Support comes with talking and asking questions.
    I would assume the following, he is not gay, he does not want to change sex and all he wants to do is present as a woman occasionally.
    If he shows a pre disposition towards the first two it is a little more complicated.
    It is not the end of the world and he is still your first choice in life as you are his.

    Go away encourage him to talk about it and even encourage him to join this site.
    Do not think of it as being cheated. He would have been deathly afraid.
    Try and quell that fear with considerate questions.
    I recommend it in preference to any others I have seen.
    I will go now and see what others have advised.
    I suspect it is similar.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  20. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013 View Post
    How do I support him without feeling "cheated on"?
    May I ask you why you feel like youre being cheated on?
    Ive read your post on #34 but,to me at least,it constitutes a weak reason to feel that way. Forgive me for being blunt but cheating is a powerful accusation. There are things that we all do(men and women) that don't include spouses and it's not considered cheating. The reason I say this is because my dressing is personal and private and since I was not comfortable dressing in front of my wife even though she knew of my dressing, I knew that she wouldn't be able to handle it mentally. Maybe in time she'll be able too but were separated now for the time being and even still she's not able to cope with it.
    Last edited by MysticLady; 03-26-2013 at 10:29 AM.

  21. #46
    New Member Nicky63's Avatar
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    1)In all probability you did nothing, most of us just are, it's the way we were made.
    2 & 3) Talk to him accept that his way, don't try and stop it because that will just cause him to go behind your back, better to be open about it...
    Nicky
    xx

  22. #47
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    Don't try to over compensate for any negative feelings you may have had for any male who cross dressers. It would seem natural to try to understand his interest in appearing as a woman. If you are not sure about all of this, please go slow. It is better to take 'baby steps' rather than 'giant leaps' from which it may be difficult to backtrack. Would you be ready to handle it, if hubby always slipped into girl mode 100% of the time at home?

    You and your husband need to evaluate the consequences of self outing the situation. Not everyone may be so

    welcoming as you have been. Family? Friends? Church? Jobs?

    I noticed you posted a picture on your bio page along with membership in an Elks Lodge. Potentially, you may be outing your spouse and self without really realizing it.

  23. #48
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    Hi,

    this is a very interesting thread.

    I was writing a answer when I've closed the tab... (Ctrl - W). So, I start again.

    Well, I just want to say that crossdressing make me feel I am a woman. And why do I want to feel it ? Because the society only allows women to wear some sort of clothes (or colours), to act a certain way... For me, it's started the day my brother laughed because my parents gave me a red pantyhose for a school show (I think I was 5 years old). It took years and years before I understand that it was the start of a long story... Crossdress to have the right to wear some clothes.

    If society accepted that men can act like women act, it won't be necessary for me to crossdress. I would just act as I want to act.

    Today, if I want to wear a skirt, it's quite impossible. But, if I crossdress (and really look like a woman), nobody will say anything about my skirt.

    It's because it's so difficult to be a man with "feminine" behaviors (thoughts and wishes) that we have to look like women to make the people accept our feminine behaviors (thoughts and wishes). It's quite silly! And I think it can lead to transexuality....

    I'm actually working to make the people around me accept my way of dressing. I wear women pants, nylon pantyhose and in summer women sandals. My colleagues are gradually accepting the fact that I am a man (married and with a child) who likes dressing with this kind of clothes. At the beginning, they thougth I was gay! Now, they know that it's wrong and they think : "why not?" about my clothes.

    I will soon buy a pair of ballerinas and try to go to work with them. I hope it will goes well...

    CuriousWife2013, it's a great idea to accept this situation. You are wonderfull. Your husband couldn't hope anything better. Now, it will be a long way for him to be accepted as a man who likes dressing with "feminine" clothes, but you will be with him, and it will be less hard for him.

    OK, it's late and I can't remember all what I have written in my first answer (yes, before Ctrl-W...), so : bye bye...
    Last edited by Geraldine_Whyman; 03-26-2013 at 06:18 PM. Reason: grammatical corrections

  24. #49
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    I'd like to welcome you to the forum, Arns.

    It never ceases to amaze me that, no matter what part of the world a crossdresser is from, what type of upbringing he has had, cultural influences, his particular gene pool, etc, his needs and motives will be the same as other crossdressers worldwide! When I read your words, Arns, they are just the same as the words I've read from CDers in the US, Canada, Australia, South America, Europe, India, Eastern countries ...

    It's as if there is a collective crossdressers' conscience! Crossdressers like to say they are all individual and their motives for dressing are all different, but I think that fundamentally, for the most part they feel the way that you describe. They may decide to handle the CDing in all different ways, but they want the same things that you do.

    Just an observation.

    Hmmm. Collective Crossdressers' Conscience. CCC. A new acronym?
    Reine

  25. #50
    Junior Member CuriousWife2013's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissTee View Post
    CuriousWife,
    I wont' repeat what others have already said. Instead, I'll provide some encouragement (I hope.) Please continue to learn, support and understand. It's the right thing to do. My wife and I have been at this together for better than 3 decades. The love we share as a result is infinite, and the shopping experiences are to die for

    Good luck sweetie!!
    MissTee,

    Thank you for your post last night. Today was my "first official shopping trip" and it was also my "first official breakdown". I was sitting in the middle of the store crying because I couldn't decide on which outfit to get him. I wanted his First Outfit to be perfect! and all I could thinkof was that I was once again going to disappoint him.

    So after about 5 minutes I pulled up my big girl panties and told myself that I just needed to pretend that I was shopping for my sister instead of my SO. It got a lot easier. So 5 hours later I'm sitting in our bedroom trying to wrap everything before he gets home from work, and just as I finish putting it all on the bed it was time for him to walk in. I went outside and told him that there was stuff all over the bed and I needed his help to get it off.

    He walked into the room and I was right behind him, and the look on his face was priceless! I had more fun watching him open everything (a total of 10 outfits, 2 pair of shoes, 2 purses (one for day and an evening bag), jewelry and even new lingerie. The shoes weren't the right size, so we ended up taking them back, he traded the 2 pairs in for 1 (said he could only wear 1 at a time) and he got me the most perfect platforms that a girl could ever dream of!

    I told him before he went to sleep, that I hoped that he liked everything, and he said that I did a good job and he was very grateful. It made my little meltdown seem worth it to see him so happy.

    I guess I was just wondering why I went from feeling okay about shopping to a darn meltdown in matter of 0.3 seconds. Is that normal?

    Paula,

    Like I said, I don't think that I would be as "okay and accepting" as I am right now without you and the other ladies. If/when you go thru this with your wife (and you will be wonderful I just know it) and if she needs to talk to someone, I'm her for her and you as well.

    Blessings

    Curious
    Last edited by Eryn; 03-28-2013 at 08:03 PM. Reason: Merged consecutive posts. Please edit the existing post rather than posting again.

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