rant about myself

[tiffanynjcd24]

Hello Everyone how are you doing today here is my next blog

When i was 13 years old I was wearing my mom dress and makeup and i painted my toenails in gold color. (i didnt know about the lgbt lifestyle esp transgender at the time and i got exposed to transgender when i was watching jerry springer) At first when i did that for the first time it was only for a sexual thrill, but as i start to dress almost everyday i felt comfortable in my own skin. It made me felt like maybe i should been a girl instead a boy. The next thing i knew is that when my mother caught me dressing up, she beat me and told me not to do it again. The reason she did that she didn't want me to live that lifestyle. Since that beating, i had hid those feelings of dressing as a girl or even want to be a girl from my family Also i had to pretend to be someone else in front of everyone that knows me. To be honest as of this moment, if felt like i lie to people about me and i felt ashamed of myself because i am worry about what would someone else thinks about me. But if i told them the truth about me, then that even though i got the secret off of my chest and feel happy, i would be disowned by my family and friends

Take care

Alexis

p.s. if anyone has any questions about this blog feel free to ask

[Beverley Sims]

Alexis,
I did all those things as well, I was never beaten by my parents but I did have clothes confiscated.
It is hard to have to live a lie and you should not feel shame.

[melissaK]

So, Alexis sweetie . . . you've made it to this site, that's a real start to self acceptance right there.
And you're reflecting on your life, putting the pieces together to rethink and understand why you made a lot of the decisions you did in your life.

Where to next? Are you seeing a counselor to help talk it out?

[Karren H]

What a great mother to beat you like that..... I remember my mom used to leave that to my father "wait till your father comes home".... then dad would beat the chair with his belt and I'd yell.... guess I'm glad I never got caught crossdressing.....

[tiffanynjcd24]

Im currently going to see a conseluor about it i know im a bi cd but i am just thinking would i want to take it further

[PaulaQ]

My heart goes out to you, sweetie. It is heartbreaking to hear how you were treated, just heartbreaking. I would definitely talk to a counselor, but I would encourage you to question them first, and make sure that they have experience with transgender people. If you've had thoughts like "maybe I should've been born a girl instead", then there's a reasonable chance that this is the case. Nobody can really tell you that - you have to find the truth within yourself.

But know that whatever the truth is, there are many of us here who've felt the same way, and that we love you, and accept you.

[Sallee]

I was caught several times but it never resulted in a beating which won't have helped but I did get sent to a shrink but unfortunately for me I never opened up, should have now I would bleed like crazy if I talked with a counselor.
I would highly recommend a therapist. They help but they won't change you just make you accept yourself and that is the important thing. Good luck

[tiffanynjcd24]

Yes im going to see a therapist about that another thing is i want to do programming