I have memories related to gender identity issues and crossdressing from my childhood, but some of them are fragmented and incomplete. In one instance, I suppressed part of a crossdressing memory from when I was 4 or 5, apparently because it was traumatic. That memory came back to me about 35 years later all in one big explosive flash, but that's another story.
I should mention that when I was younger, up to about age 6 or 7, my mom had an on-and-off track record of allowing or sometimes even encouraging me to dress up, but at this point in time, she hadn't encouraged me to dress up in a few years.
Anyway, this fragmented/partial memory happened when I was about 10 or so, maybe 11 at the oldest. At that time, I was just about the exact same size as my mother, and her clothes and shoes fit me perfectly (I grew tall at an early age). My favorite dress of hers to wear was a black sun dress with a colorful floral pattern on it, and I tried it on a couple times when I was at home alone, probably while mom visited neighbors for coffee. She also had a pair of matching wedge-heel sandals that I loved. I thought I was always careful when wearing her stuff so that she wouldn't know that I'd tried anything on.
So one day I was in my room, reading, a favorite pastime of mine when I was a kid, and mom came in holding the dress and shoes. I remember thinking I'd been busted and was going to get in trouble, but she told me that her closet was getting to be too full, so she was going to store the dress and shoes in my closet. You could have knocked me over with a feather at that point. I was totally shocked and also confused, as I wasn't sure if she was serious or if she was letting me know that it was okay to wear them.
This is where my first memory gap occurs. I know darned well that I would have worn the dress and shoes after that, no two ways about it. Having them there in my room would have been too much of a temptation to resist, but I honestly can't recall anything about them until.........
My next memory of them: it was some time later, not sure how much of a gap we're talking about. Dear mom invited the next-door neighbor girl who was a few years older than me over and asked her if she wanted the dress and shoes. I remember being devastated, and somehow found the nerve to speak up and tell them that I wanted the dress and shoes. As you might imagine, the neighbor girl was a bit surprised, I do remember that.
Then another memory gap, short this time, maybe an hour or two. I remember a boy who was one of my best friends came over to play, and I remember him looking at my lips and asking me why I was wearing lipstick! I remember telling him that the neighbor girl had dressed me up in my coveted dress and shoes that day and also done my makeup, but I can't remember a single thing about that happening. It must have happened, my friend saw that I was wearing lipstick and I remember telling him that I'd dressed up with her. I sure wish I could remember the details of that day. That would be one of my fondest memories, but it's just not there.
Anyone else have partial or suppressed memories like that, or am I the only nut case here?
Carol