Who would you tell first? Wife or Mom

[MysticLady]

Hello Everyone
Ive been reading some threads regarding folks their wives or others. Some find it difficult to tell anyone and some can tell their mothers,aunts or sisters before they tell the wife.A question for those of you that are completely private,if you had to tell someone who would it be first. I chose to tell my wife and now Im feeling no shame in telling my mother. What about you?

[TeresaCD]

Wife yes, mother no.
But then that's me..

[Barbara Maria]

Hi,Fellow Austinite.I don't have either any more but I've had two wives in the past and one thing I've learned is,tell your wife first.I didn't dress then(much)but if I'd told my mother ANYTHING before my wife and she found out,oh boy!I'd have had hell to pay! Barbara

[Beverley Sims]

A bit like the chicken and the egg. Which came first.

Maybe tell your mother and gauge from her reaction and advice whether to tell your wife.

Considering that your wife might be your best friend you may not want to share it with any one else.

[Mistybtm]

my X wife all ready knows. my mom can't keep her mouth shut so I would never tell her.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

Good question. I told my wife or fiancé at the time first. Mother 2nd, and I was actually more worried or afraid of telling my mother. It was also more awkward having to admit to my mother that my cross dressing began when I wore her clothes when I was a child. Very awkward..

[Taylor186]

Do you live with your mom? I don't so my wife knows all, my mom, not so much.

[ronny0]

IMO.......

And this has been a sticking point in a few of my relationships.

Once you bond with another person / Consider yourselves in a committed / full time relationship.
That person should be 'first' in your life.
Your (their) family is always placed after your partner and your relationship.
It has been my experience that some people never want to place the relationship ahead or even equal to the family even brothers and sisters.

Isn't the phrase something like

Now don't take this WRONG, I am NOT all that religious.

BUT: This says it all:

There are three aspects to the statement of
1. Leave - This indicates that in a family there are two types of relationships. The parent-child relationship is the temporary one and there will be a “leaving.” The husband-wife relationship is the permanent one—“what God has joined together, let man not separate” Problems occur in family life when these two roles are reversed and the parent-child relationship is treated as the primary relationship. When an adult child has married and this parent-child relationship remains primary, the newly formed union is threatened.

[bridget thronton]

Wife first - mother died 15 years ago (before I was ready to share) my kids know (and my SIL and DIL)

[Lorileah]

Well since you have to live with your wife and the two of you are partners in life and you would probably like to remain married...

Unless of course you are a mama's "girl" who needs mama's approval for everything.

[NicoleScott]

Your mom will always be your mom (can't say a wife will always be a wife), but....
When you marry, your focus changes. Your newly-created family takes priority. Apron strings have to be cut. Tell the wife, but not the mom unless there is a compelling reason.

[MysticLady]

I've learned is,tell your wife first.I didn't dress then(much)but if I'd told my mother ANYTHING before my wife and she found out,oh boy!I'd have had hell to pay! Barbara

I so agree with you Barbara

It was also more awkward having to admit to my mother that my cross dressing began when I wore her clothes when I was a child. Very awkward..

If I did ever tell my Mom I would feel te same way...."Mom I so love wearing your pantyhose"

Unless of course you are a mama's "girl" who needs mama's approval for everything.

Lorileah, you know it's kind of funny, in guy mode Im nor where near being a Mamas boy but in girl mode Im my mothers little girl


Its just intresting to hear different stories of coming out. Some came out to their mothers before they met their wives and have never told their wives because of the embarrasment they would feel. Others, like me have told their wives and not their mothers and then theyre those that have told both in different order. Every story and outcome is I believe unique depending the the person on the recieving end. What they decide to do with trust and info we've given them is up to them of coarse. I suspect a mother would guard a son more so than a wife would guard a husband(non tolerance or acceptance). The reason I say this is because of the many discussions my wife and have had regarding my crossdressing is because I point blank asked her if this was something her son was doing and he was adamant about it would you still love him and tolerate him? She said most definitely but as far as Im concern she can not tolerate or accept and thats the reason we're separated.

[Geena75]

Wow. Mom would forgive or accept me after doing about anything. But she would tell Dad, who was less so, especially about something like this. The SO would not get over it.

Unfortunately, mom passed a year ago, so I guess she knows now.

[whowhatwhen]

Keep in mind that coming out can change a relationship forever.
My experience with my mom has been a mix of ups and downs and while I don't regret coming out to her it's certainly not been easy.

It's pretty sad to trust someone with such a deep, personal thing such as being trans and then get "You shaved your arms?! Men are supposed to have hair on their arms!".
YMMV, But be aware that sometimes things just don't go according to plan.

[tiffanynjcd24]

when my mom found out i was dressing up she beat me very bad and because of that i hid the desire to crossdress for a long time

[kimdl93]

All depends, right? Some people don't have wives. Some mothers are more rigid in their beliefs than others. Each of us needs to use good judgement in deciding, if, when, how and who to tell.

[Cheryl T]

Wife, I'm sure my mom knew many years ago.

[MaryAnn40c]

I told my wife years ago and my mom 6 months ago.

[Krististeph]

Mom's dead. Never told her, she wouldn't have understood, on several levels. She may have heard something from my siblings- but it was none of her business, IMO. If she wanted to know, she could ask, but i'm not going out of my way to ask permission or acceptance for simply being what i am.

Never told my wife: I told my girlfriend once it was apparent we were going to be spending serious time together and investing in each other. Hey, i wanted to know if she would accept this- because i was beginning to realize that i would be this way all my life...

[MysticLady]

when my mom found out i was dressing up she beat me very bad and because of that i hid the desire to crossdress for a long time

. Im very sorry that you experienced this. Its awful but I wonder if your mother was just experiencing what many GG's experience with their husbands going through this but with a son.

She may have heard something from my siblings- but it was none of her business, IMO. If she wanted to know, she could ask, but i'm not going out of my way to ask permission or acceptance for simply being what i am.

It would not be so much as in asking permission but the level of comfort in just telling them of this well kept secret of ours.

As I mentioned earlier I would be comfortable in telling my mother but I suspect her reaction would be negative but would respect my decision. Now, lets change it up a little. What level of comfort would you have in telling your father or a brother or sister for that matter. I suspect it would a different ball game. In my case I would never tell my dad or brother this part of me. I may tell my sister later in life but at this point only my wife knows. I would love to hear your comments on this.

[Kalista Jameson]

Telling the wife first is generally the smartest move. I believe you would never want to give her any reason that someone else, even a parent, has the deepest access to you before they do. Any aspect of marital trust building that may need to be called upon in the days ahead, is worth defending vehemently ahead of time. =)

Cheers,

Kalista

[2B Natasha]

I told my wife. Actually I told her the first day we meet again after 28 years.

What I don't understand is this desire some have to tell there mother. Why? What do you hope to gain from it? What is the upside? This coming from a person who encouraged his mother to build a house right next door. Shares a fenced in backyard. Who both leave are back doors unlocked so we can wonder freely between houses.

[ssmjoanne]

My wife knew from the very beginning. If I had told my Mother, she would have probably immediately asked her priest to pray for me. I have zero desire to come out to any other members of our families.

[Kalista Jameson]

What I don't understand is this desire some have to tell there mother. Why? What do you hope to gain from it? What is the upside? .

It would depend on the kind of relationship, I suppose. I came out to my mom recently because of the practicality of it. I will be moving closer to her because of her age, and since I'm very comfortable with myself now, I saw no reason to not tell her. There will be times when she stops by (like to bring me food!) and it's nice to not strip off the pantyhose and wig, but just open the door without caring. I adopt the same plan for anyone that would be coming over. When UPS comes with my new whatever, I'm not gonna care. This explains it for me. I imagine there may be some other similar stories. =)

Cheers,

Kalista

[flatlander_48]

It would probably depend on who you thought would be the most supportive and might help to work on the other...