Before telling your girlfriend/wife

[Mariana]

I saw many people sharing experiences about the outcome of their revealing process and this has been really helpful, because my main concern about accepting this part of me is losing the woman I love.

I know people react differently, so there's no magic formula about this. But I do wonder if preparing her would be better or worse...or how I can do this.

She loves me for sure, I have no doubt about it. But she's a little bit dramatic when it comes to changes in generall, sometimes very insecure that the most superficial change (like a new job) will make me go away.

Now it's not the best time - she is not very satisfied with her current job and has some issues in her family, so I think I'll need to wait for a better scenario... but I can't help but spend a considerable time thinking if anything could be done now. Maybe the anxiety made me put a deadline, which is when we move in together, what is planned for the end of the year, and I could use this time to direct things in a good way - even knowing is something unpredictable until some extent.

I don't know, maybe just make this idea go in smoother way in her head to make the news less shocking (in some way they will be, I know)...how about showing more interest in her clothes or like offering to go to a mall whenever she has to buy something? Talking firstly that I used to dress like a girl when I was younger before saying this is still a part of me. Some little things put together could create an expectaction, which might not be so bad.

Any thoughts would be helpful.

[Krististeph]

Tough question- no real specifics, but plan for what may happen if things do no go well- you know- they always say that the luckiest people are always somehow the ones that do the most preparation.
Be ready to get yelled at or to be chastened- not for the CD part itself, but failing to come out earlier- doesn't matter if you are actually right or wrong- you have to be willing to let your spouse vent. and be ready to let some things roll off you. I just read something today- to the effect of "forgiveness is not about morality or taking the high road- forgiveness is a selfish thing because it allows you to escape the effect of letting someone make you angry or upset." A different way of looking at it. So I will suggest being ready to forgive any harsh words received, if they are made in the heat of the moment.

And also- make sure you let her know, even before the cd stuff, that this has been hurting you because you have not wanted to have been keeping it from her. or something along those lines- the sooner you validate that she has a right to feel a little hurt (if she does), the less it will fester in her mind.

5 cents please.

[Betty_42]

I know my own wife has yelled at me quite a few times when she discovered what I wanted and liked to do. The truly bizarre thing is that she honestly can't recall the incidents afterward? Was it perhaps blocked or otherwise forgotten in her own mind? I cannot tell for sure and fortunately, I'm made of stronger stuff than this and I can just forget about it. That said, the best advice I can give is that you have to be willing to take her on this journey with you. We're a team and it needs to stay that way. Compromises and/or arrangements may need to be made, but you have to be willing to do that for your relationship or risk starting over. When I dwell on it, there may be advantages to that, but I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet!

[Wildaboutheels]

Even the most "open minded" people will usually have some things they simply won't ACCEPT. Accept in friends or coworkers? No problemo.

ACCEPT... in a partner? NO WAY which is of course the crux of the matter.

The Forums are full of stories of folks who rolled the dice with their SOs. Some SOs "totally accepted". Some were OK with DADT. Others basically ended the Relationship because of it. Even after 10 ,15 or 20 years of marriage.

There are people here who will tell you your SO MUST accept this part of you and others will insist that "Love conquers all". And that if she "really" loves you she will accept. Both thoughts are Forum MYTHS.

She might just surprise you and be completely accepting OR have all kinds of worries and never be able to handle it. The ONLY way to know is to tell her.

I don't think there is a good/better/nice way to tell that is going to make any difference on how she FEELS about it. Your previous posts make it pretty obvious it's something that has been a part of you for a long time and not something you can simply give up. Hopefully she will be open minded enough to read your posts thus far.

Good Luck.

[Tracii G]

I would tell her before you move in together or tie the knot.
Trust is the one thing women require, you break the trust and the relationship is over.
I would explain it as soon as you can, just come out and tell her so she has time to digest the info and see if she can deal with it.
Have her join here maybe after you tell her.

[PaulaQ]

I'm going to disagree with Purple8229 - there will always be problems and reasons to put off telling her. You let me know the day you have a completely problem free life. Don't put this off indefinitely. (I wouldn't tell her in the middle of a crisis, sure.)

You should definitely tell her before you tie the knot. Yeah, if she rejects you, it will tear your guts out. But guess what? If you wait until you've been married 5-10 years, then tell her, while you have a couple of kids too, not only will it tear your guts out if she rejects you THEN, but it will also screw over your life to a much bigger extent, as well as the lives of her and your kids.

Keeping a secret like this before you get married or even move in together is a horrible idea. Once you live together, you are going to have to start hiding stuff from her, and probably lying to her on a regular basis to conceal this. Is that any kind of basis for a relationship you want to be in?

I also think that dropping hints is a bad idea. You don't know what she'll think:
"is he gay?"
"does he want to become a woman?"
She could think all kinds of things that are not actually what's happening.

[PaulaQ]

Uh...........I thought I just Friggin' SAID that.......WAKE UP Paula! JAYZUZ!

Sorry - I'm not quite myself today. Dain-Bramage, I guess.

[MaidJamie]

What Tracii G says... VERY WISE.

[DonnaT]

If you rarely go with her when she's shopping for clothes, then offering to go with her could be a good opening.

Like, starting with an apology for not appearing to take much interest in her shopping, but you have a reason for that.

"Oh? What reason?"

"I used to dress like a girl when I was younger and (knowing that this is still a part of me) I worry it may bring up the desires again. I worry about how you would react."

[Jenniferathome]

There is no way to hint you way into her figuring it out or lessening the blow. She will not connect the dots because there is no way she even thinks that cross dressing is a possibility. Moreover, you do NOT want her to find out on her own because she will feel more deceived. Forget that route.

There is never a "good" time to tell her. She will be shocked. But think of it this way: in all likelihood there is tension between you because you are hiding this part of you. That tension will go away. You will be there to answer questions rather than have her be suspicious and run all kinds of scenarios in her head.

If you are ready, you simply say, "Honey, I have something to tell you...." There's no going back from that opening.

[MsRenee]

If you are olanning on being with her the rest of your life then I think it be best if you told her now.
If you wait to long she may come back with a lot of anger, especially ifthings clear up for her at her job then you come back with this.
Either way its gonna be a shock to herand you can never tell how she is going to handle it.
Theres no way to prep her for it.
Renee

[~Joanne~]

I agree with Tracii, If you really want to tell her, you have to do it BEFORE you move in together. Believe me, if you don't, you will be in misery until you do and then it may or may not be too late. What will most likely happen is you won't tell her for a long time, hide your stuff in boxes around the place, dress when she's not there, leave things out or overlook things and she'll find them and it sounds like she's a bit insecure so she'll think your having other women over when she's not there and the list goes on and on.

I have an accepting and supportive SO but I waited what seems like forever to actually tell her about all over this. wish I hadn't. My telling her did lift a giant burden off my shoulders but it wasn't easy, it's never truly easy no matter how you set it up to be or to ease the burden or ease into "the talk". My "talk" came out of fear because I was pulled over dressed and believe me because of this event it decided for me when to have the talk which wasn't the way I wanted it to go. Right now you have the chance to decide the where, when, and how and if you do it and she doesn't entertain the idea, then at least you won't have to move her back out because we all know this doesn't go away. You can try but it doesn't. Been there, done that.

[PaulaQ]

She will not connect the dots because there is no way she even thinks that cross dressing is a possibility. Moreover, you do NOT want her to find out on her own because she will feel deceived.

Well, those are possible reactions, but not everyone will react this way, and plenty of women figure this out about their SO's in advance.

The problem, to me, with giving little hints are:
1. She may well get the wrong idea, and come to a worse conclusion about what's going on
2. Suppose she does guess right? You are still faced with the same roll of the dice in terms of her reaction. If she is going to hate this do you think she'll hate it less because she guessed on her own? You have no control over the message this way, potentially.
3. This is a cowardly approach that let's you test the waters, and if you get a bad reaction, back out with plausible deniability, if she reacts badly. This is unfair, and you really can't tell how someone will react to this, unless you've seen them react to someone else in their family, perhaps.

Quit pussyfooting around and either tell straight up, or decide to stay in the closet.

Half measures avail you not.

[Beverley Sims]

You have to consider your girlfriends feelings and tell her sooner than later.
I have said it before write your thoughts down, read them and re write them as often as you need until it all looks plausible.
Rehearse this and tell her personally, no email or text messages here.
It requires a personal touch when you have a calm moment together.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I'm with the "tell her as soon as the current crisis has passed" group. Having said that, your point about her tendency to go for the drama, has me a little concerned. This is very much a subject where a bit of drama is a definite possibility if someone is so inclined.

Now, if she DOES have a meltdown, and rejects it, can you go ahead with the relationship? Bear in mind the problems many of us on this forum have stated with trying to suppress out inclinations. If you decide you can't give up CDing, and her rejection is likely to cause big problems, ( i.e. she breaks it off and then badmouths you to all and sundry ) then cautious probes are the order of the day. I'm generally of the camp that says honesty is best, but I may be biased because my telling her went so well.

[GG Kay]

Hi Mariana,
My SO just came out and told me he is a CD and recommended that I join this forum. I can tell you it has helped A LOT!!
If you decide to tell her soon, which I recommend, you should have her join as well. If she has no suspicions then I guarantee she will be very surprised (I was) and in need of someone to talk to that has been in her same situation.
Hope it all works out for you!
Kay

[Emma Beth]

I would recommend talking to her as soon as you can. Don't let life get away from you at all.
There is never a "good time" to talk to her about your CDing.

An example from my life as to how life can get away from you.
Back in 2001, my wife and I were separated and it looked like we may divorce. The reasons for this situation had nothing to do with my CDing at all, it was more to do with far too many people in our lives telling us how we should be and we didn't belong together, etc.
We lived in Mississippi at the time and she moved here to Texas to stay with family.
We stayed in touch and we decided to give our marriage another chance, and I'm so glad we did. I moved here to Texas and we have never been happier, for the most part.
We decided on a spur of the moment thing and when I moved I told everyone that I was going back to school here in Texas. I had every intention of informing my family of the real reason for me coming to Texas as soon as things settled down.
Now, one thing after another and 11 years later. I now have 11 years of life to catch up on with my family after doing some detective work to get back in touch with them.

I'm in the camp of tell as soon as possible. I, on the other hand, would recommend that you don't wait until the dust clears. When she has a chance to think about it, she should see things in perspective.
Now don't get me wrong, only you can decide for sure on your own unique situation and everybody is different. My point is, "Don't wait any longer" to have that talk.
However she reacts, you can take the appropriate steps to get on with your life as best you can.

So, pull up your big girl panties and man up. (insert humor)

All the best and Hugs,
Jamie

[Rebecca11]

I have also struggled with telling my SO. I have started to drop hints and make little comments. I am hopeful that she will start to pick up on them but perhaps I am being too subtle. What have some of you done to reveal that side? Have you dropped little comments or just sat down and talked it out?

[Mariana]

Very nice thoughts here! All the comments made a lot of sense to me, some things I had already thought and some that made me think...

When I said that the deadline to tell her is when we move in together, I meant just before we find a new home. I know it's out of question moving in without a conversation....but I feel I may be able to talk about it sooner. Due to my anxious nature, I highly doubt I'll wait for almost a year to tell her. Yes, we're together for almost 3 years, but I was only able to really accept this as a part of me in the recent months. This is something a little bit abstract to understand, but just recently I've decided to not fight against it. The only thing I'm 100% sure about her reaction is the question "why didn't you tell me sooner?"....and I don't need to prepare an answer for this, because I don't know why I didn't tell myself it sooner.

I've really considered the thoughts that dropping half-truths may lead to a complete different road, that she may create a conclusion that doesn't match the truth, like that I'm gay or something. Being a CD that likes women is something really abstract, so abstract that some of us can't understand, so it's really pointless to think she can figure this out and be able to understand by her own. Someone said I should tell her now or stay in the closet and I do agree. But thing is: I want to tell her now. But I can't. I have to wait at least for a moment when she'll be less troubled than now. She says I'm the only constant good thing at her life at the moment, and I can't just put another thing for her to deal with at this moment.

With that said, and even if I recongnize that dropping hints is not the way to go, I touched the subject this week when we were having dinner, in a more distant way, but I did. And her response was really surprising. Not that it means she'll accept the cding, maybe it was just a joke-coincidence, but it went this way: we were talking about psychology and about some friends of ours that work with it, sharing some stories we've already heard from them. Then I told her some, she told me other ones, just when I brought it up "well, this friend of mine even told me of a patient that likes women, but also likes to dress like a woman" (true story, btw)...and the she replies "No, honey, that's not a patient, that's YOU!".... I couldn't hide my surprise and suddenly, almost desperatly, asked with some sweat and a fake joke tone: "well, if it was me, would you stay with me?" and she went like "yes, you're the love of my life, but we would had to keep this away from the kids" (btw, we don't have kids). And then we changed subject (there was no way I could use that opportunity, we were in a public restaurant).

Does this means she already knows? Certainly not, she would've asked me. But is it possible I've already accidentally dropped a hint and she at least considered the idea? Maybe.

[PaulaQ]

and the she replies "No, honey, that's not a patient, that's YOU!".... I couldn't hide my surprise and suddenly, almost desperatly, asked with some sweat and a fake joke tone: "well, if it was me, would you stay with me?" and she went like "yes, you're the love of my life, but we would had to keep this away from the kids"

Was she kidding, or did she seem serious? If she seemed at all serious, that statement seems like she'd probably accept this about you. You never really know until you do it, but that seems really positive.

[mollycd99]

So... She knows. That's not a joke one makes without back up. And she already told you her answer: she'll love you and support you. Granted, when you tell her it's real and confirm her suspicions, she may get a little upset. But I'd bet dollars to doughnuts she was deliberately sending you a message: she knows and she's ready to hear. Take the opportunity and tell her. Best of luck.

[UNDERDRESSER]

in a more distant way, but I did. And her response was really surprising. Not that it means she'll accept the cding, maybe it was just a joke-coincidence, but it went this way: we were talking about psychology and about some friends of ours that work with it, sharing some stories we've already heard from them. Then I told her some, she told me other ones, just when I brought it up "well, this friend of mine even told me of a patient that likes women, but also likes to dress like a woman" (true story, btw)...and the she replies "No, honey, that's not a patient, that's YOU!".... I couldn't hide my surprise and suddenly, almost desperatly, asked with some sweat and a fake joke tone: "well, if it was me, would you stay with me?" and she went like "yes, you're the love of my life, but we would had to keep this away from the kids" (btw, we don't have kids). And then we changed subject (there was no way I could use that opportunity, we were in a public restaurant).

Does this means she already knows? Certainly not, she would've asked me. But is it possible I've already accidentally dropped a hint and she at least considered the idea? Maybe.

Distant way? Joke co-incidence? Don't think so. Unless there is something we are missing about the signals, that's about as clear an indication as I've ever heard.

[Chickhe]

My thoughts on telling go like this... first, what are you telling? are you planning to change your lifestyle? Do you want everything else to stay the same? .... the problem if you tell something is that you tell it the wrong way or the person you tell it to misunderstands you. My solution was to never try to explain, instead I just do it. However, its limited to Halloween to make it fun for everyone else and otherwise its for my own reasons. I've gone from being scared to not really caring much if anyone knows, but I would rather just keep it to myself to avoid complicating relationships. Some things are better left unsaid, but I think its really important to learn to self respect so you can be proud of anything you do no matter if someone else knows or not.

[CD_blue]

I think from the conversation you two had you are in a very good position to find a great deal of acceptance. Should hopefully put your mind at ease about it. It seems the way you are handling it is almost like how I handled it with my fiance.

One day over drinks she told me that if I was a "transvestite" she would be ok with it (We were talking about Eddie Izzard if I remember correctly)... I had no idea at the time how she could have possibly knew this about me as I didn't have any garments. which lead to her flat out asking me if I was. I choked up (and very excited at same time!) and lied.... I had told an ex years before and that person completely freaked out. Which lead to me telling my fiance no (I had been repressing it my entire life and after the freak out episode of my ex didn't want to lose this one who I actually cared about.). End of story I felt bad about lying, and the next week over drinks I told her I hadn't been completely honest that I had in fact was into cross dressing just hadn't acted on it. Her response was do "Do you want to go try on my skirt?" and I said yes. Then after putting on her skirt she gave me a top that was too big for her. That weekend went shopping for my first time with her. Think our stories and how we went about it are about on same level. I think getting a "feel" for their reaction is very smart. The "feel" you got seems to be really positive.

I think as Tracii said tell her before you move in with her. Perhaps I am just too optimistic with my reaction of my fiance but I think your going to be in good position with your cross dressing and relationship with her from what you said. As stated on these forums I think its the lying that gets to them more than the actual act mostly. Granted, I expected somewhat of a better reaction from my ex but she is now my EX for a reason.