"I am Trans, but I am scared to do anything about it."

[GirlieAmanda]

I posted a response as a post to another respected Trans girl who was trying to make a point about the people who are Trans and ask for her advice, are scared, tentative, etc. She said her best advice is:

" ...the one thing that makes someone "TRULY" a successful Trans person of success, are NOT the ones on some made up top 100 celebrity list... they are the ones that SHUT UP and DO IT..."

I responded: "Yes! Exactly. Just do it. Do it now before it's too late. It's only your life, that's all. Actions not words. I left my home, faced spousal violence, got a divorce, lost my job, moved to a new area, risked family shunning, etc. I am OK now. I did not die, the world did not blow up. Life kept on going on. It Gets Better as they say. You have to just let go. You have to say, I don't give a shit. I have trans friends of all shapes and sizes. They are not afraid, they DO it for themselves. If you are truly trans, truly, medically, psychologically, and seriously, you MUST do something about it. NOW! Don't wait till you are 40, don't wait till you are 60. The time is now. There is no better time than now. You are not alone by a long shot!"

[Lynnmorgan451]

If you are truly trans, truly, medically, psychologically, and seriously, you MUST do something about it. NOW! Don't wait till you are 40, don't wait till you are 60. The time is now. There is no better time than now. You are not alone by a long shot!"[/I]

This made me wanna stand up and yell "YEAH!!!!" with a fist in the air...lol...sorry

[GirlieAmanda]

Hey that does sound good when its highlighted. Cool! The Battle Cry!

[Janice Ashton]

I rarely reply to Threads these days as over the years on the many sites I have visited there is little that excites me about what people write. Having said that, 'This initial Thread' by Amanda is a breath of fresh air, Why? because it is aimed right at ME. I have been dressing for many many years and only 'Now' I have realised I should have done this YEARS AGO!! finally I am following the true path of my Transgender identity. I am now attending the Gender Identity Clinic (GIC in the UK) after much ground work with my GP, Consultant Psychiatrist, blood tests, family history, weight and body issues along with facial sugery and IPL Treatment up and coming I feel the real me is now firmly on the horizon...BUT... Why didn't I do this so many years earlier? I feel I have missed out on a lot of my real life the person I should be 'SO' I intend to make the most of the 'Rest of my Life'!! As said at the begining of this Thread, by Amanda, 'Don't Wait' DO IT!!! find the real you, If not (Like Me) you may live to regret it!!!

[Anne Elizabeth]

So How do I make it that simple?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you make it that simple day by day..one step at a time...

you can't live 11 days all at once...thats what you are doing when you allow your fears and what ifs dominate your life...

as we get older, it gets much harder to just do it... but even then the first steps to doing anything are still the same and they are still one at a time..

sometimes (i know this for me) it takes being more afraid of the alternative...i was like louise, and i KNEW that i was regretting being alive more and more...i became more afraid of being stuck as a man forever than anything else .

my very first step was finding a good therapist..

[Angela Campbell]

I can understand the too scared part. You know you need to change. You do not know how. You do not even know what first step to take. Do I go left, or right, straight ahead? If I make the wrong choice will the financial ability of doing this go away leaving me with no possibility to do this? Can choices I make leave me in a worst place than I am in now? Can it get worse than it is now? It is hard when no one...and I mean no one...really understands.

Just do it seems like a really bad choice even in desperation. But then again planning is not easy either as there seems no route that can get to the destination.

[Angela Campbell]

Thank you Melissa, I see it is not unheard of. I knew from my earliest memories I should have a girls body and didn't, but in those days I thought there was nothing that could be done. As I grew older I handled it pretty well until the last year or so and it seems to be getting more intense, maybe because I know more now than I did, and know some who are going through it and see it is a possibility. I am worried that it will get worse and more intense and become something more than what it is now. It is not now and so far has not ever been crippling but I have fears that it could become that way.

[Kathryn Martin]

Again, consider Benjamin's writings about Type 3:

The second inception of transvestism is not fetishistic but in all probability the result of an inborn or early acquired transsexual trend of "latent" character. (S.O.S. III). Those patients (like true transsexuals), invariably date the beginning of their deviation to
earliest childhood. "As long as I can remember, I wanted to be a girl" is a frequent part of their history. While it is quite possible that such statements may merely express the wish that it may be so, most evidence gained not only from patients but also from relatives points to the fact that transvestitic tendencies, in the great majority of all cases, were noted in the first five or six years of the child's life.

[STACY B]

That's what I say ,, Go big or Go home ,, An no need in even talking about it ,, Just Do it ,, You don't have to even get on here an tell anyone what your doing or post anything about it if ya don't want ,, Just make the calls an don't back down an NEVER back up ,, No matter how small the step is just keep moving forward .
It don't happen over night ,,It takes a long time an a lot of will power an time .
No one can make it happen but you . When these Ladys on here say Baby steps they really mean most of the way .

[melissaK]

I responded: "Yes! Exactly. Just do it. Do it now before it's too late. It's only your life, that's all. Actions not words. [1] I left my home, [2] faced spousal violence, [3] got a divorce, [4] lost my job, [5] moved to a new area, [6] risked family shunning, [7] etc. I am OK now.

This thread is in desperate need of an Eyore. I numbered the obstacles you encountered.
[1] must have $ to travel. Motels are pricey.

[2] Spousal violence???!!! You clearly did not have a healthy marriage, yours would be easy to leave. For some one who DOES have a healthy marriage, and is in love with a soul mate, this step causes enormous heartbreak. It can derail TS's when who can't heal that broken heart. Mike Penner/Christine Daniels story comes to mind http://www.thedailybeast.com/article...rtswriter.html

[3] Must have money for an attorney. Will you have to make alimony payments? Will you have to make child support payments?

[4] lost job . . . So for most of us that means we're burning through meager savings. You must have money to live till you can find a new trans friendly job. And you must have something to do with your time between soul crushing interviews where you are never called back

[5] Again, you need money. You'll need first and last months rent. A job (can't rent a decent place without a job). You'll need utility deposits. You'll likely need ALL new friends and a TomTom for cruising your new home town.

[6] Family shunning? Were you Amish? Ok just kidding. No way around risking that.

But none of that Nike "just do it" rah-rah stuff sounds smart to me. Sure, decide to do it. Then plan it. Then implement your plan.

This is super serious stuff for most of us. Do it wrong and you'll be calling family for bus fare from the homeless shelter somewhere. Do it wrong and end up alone and hurting emotionally you will need the suicide hot line.

[STACY B]

MelissaK Your going about it all wrong ,, BACKWARDS !! You take care of all that stuff FIRST ! See self employed thread ,,lol,,
Not all states have alamony laws ,, An you don't try it Broke for sure ,,
An she said if you want too ,, Don't wait if your going to do it anyway ,, Hell I can find an excuse for not doing anything ,, Don't look for reason NOT TO ,, Find a reason TO DO ,,An if you don't want to just move along ,, No one said you have to or everyone has to ,, Hell 98% percent of trans folk don't transition for one reason or another . But if your gonna atleast get all your afairs in Order ,,,


GEEZ !!!

[Barbara Ella]

I have to agree, that it takes a whole lot of planning before you can "just do it." I am in the planning stage, and reading that it takes a long time, I wonder what, at 66, time I have left. What can I do and maintain my sanity for a very few years of life truly as Barbara. Wife has said that if I ever really have to go 24/7 she will sell the house and move away from daughters and grandson, but she will never live with a lesbian, and i love her no matter what my gender. Can't talk her out of that one, and how selfish does that make me feel about what might happen. We have a long time of talking before I can make a decision to "just do it."

Barbara

[Badtranny]

Um, in Amanda's defense she wasn't advocating that you wreck your life she was saying that if you feel it, don't fight it. Take the steps necessary to live your life the way you want to live it.

I didn't 'just do it', I made a lot of plans, and did a lot of stuff, and eventually ...I just did it.

Nobody knows who you are better than you. Your life is your choice. I have no idea why people spend so much time here trying to convince people that they are 'really TS' but they just can't transition for whatever reason. Who cares what we think? Who cares what you are inside? I mean really, what's the difference between a regular CD who identifies as such but loves to cross-dress, and does it as much as possible and a person who is tortured because they are TS yet they can't transition because of life circumstances real or perceived? There is no discernible difference except the latter case will feel entitled to comment on the transition decisions of the transitioners. I have sympathy for those that are truly bound by circumstance but I have little patience for people that insist that they WOULD do something IF something else.

In this part of the forum we should all strive to keep the speculation, no matter how well intended, to a minimum.

[GirlieAmanda]

Ahh my point is realized. Thanks. If you can't "do it now", no baby steps, no medium steps, no steps at all, to modify your body to be congruent with your mind to sooth the persistent and overwhelming dysphoria because of some external circumstance, and you are still alive, then you are, most likely, not a transsexual.

[Xrys]

i want to make sure i understand your point of view before i respond. acording to you, one is not a true transexual until one takes action, regardless of how big or small, to bring permanant change to one's body such that they take on charecteristics of ones true gender. also, buy said logic, one is not a true transexual until such actions are taken. are there any other requirements other than the above mentioned action that must quallify one to be a true transexual? also, what actions guallify one to be a true transexual? permanant body modification has been covered, but are there others like therapy, or makeing preperations for things like finding a transition friendly job or planning finances? most importantly, why is such a distinction necessary? what purposde does it serve? i am trrying to see it from your point of view, but i just dont get the purpose. i feel it should be the problem that we all share that unites us together, rather than the steps toward treatment. disphoria is disphoria, just like cancer is cancer. it should not matter how long it goes ubntreated, if you have it, you have it. why do we need to subcategorize our selves? why is it necrssary to devide ourselves further? and what does it make those who arent "true transexuals"? i wish i could understand why some find these distinctions so necesdary, but it judt dosent make sense to me. if i am wrong in understanding your point of view, please correct me. i want to understand, but i just dont see why it is necessary.

[Badtranny]

i want to understand, but i just dont see why it is necessary.

Okay then let's stop talking about transsexuals and start talking about transitioners.

Starting now I will no longer use the term transexual. The term I will us in reference to myself and my sisters is TRANSITIONER. This way there can be no confusion as to who I'm talking about. No hurt feelings because someone feels like they are not being heard. Everybody who is transitioning or has transitioned will know I am speaking to them by the subject matter alone. The term Transsexual is apparently waaaaaaaaay to vague to be useful as a description.

Of course it's only a matter of time before a significant percentage of people starts to proclaim themselves as transitioners that will not finish until the next life, but for the time being at least, TRANSITIONER should speak to the intended audience and alleviate any confusion.

[GirlieAmanda]

It just makes me laugh. I feel like people who claim they are a transsexual and are doing nothing about it, thus negating the "transsexual" part are very offended if you call them anything else. I like "transitioners". Maybe that can be an even smaller section of the small section of the spectrum of the small section of people who are under the trangender spectrum. In other words, "Come On man!" You are either taking steps thus, "trans", moving across to the opposite gender. MOVING(present tense), not planning on moving, thinking about moving, putting off moving, making plans to someday think about moving, wondering why you are not moving, you are moving to the opposite gender. Otherwise, you are somewhat content with your situation and are somewhere on the TG spectrum. People want so bad to be TS for some reason. It's not something to wish for really. It's not exactly great to be conflicted and have to endure pain and suffering just to be congruent. Who would wish for this life?

[PaulaQ]

Otherwise, you are somewhat content with your situation and are somewhere on the TG spectrum.

What about people who's economic situations make the cost of transition simply not possible - people who are impoverished? They might well not be content with their situation - far from it. But they might be unable to do much about it. I believe such people exist. What would you call them?

[Angela Campbell]

It seems like there is a process to this. Some are farther along than others and do not want to be bothered by the problems of the ones who are not so far along. You see there are some of us who are not at the point of being full time yet but really are not so interested in discussing what color panties everyone is wearing or how much they love pantyhose. Some are looking for help, advice, or information and look here since we know what we are, but are kind of pushed out by the ones who see us as "less" because we have not gone as far as they have. In the other side of the forum there is a vast inclusion of everyone accepted but it is not so apparent here. Maybe it is good since if you are going to transition you will need to develop a thick skin. I come here looking for whatever I can get that will help me make the decisions I need to make, learn what I have to learn and try to get an idea of what might be ahead of me.

Some of us are transexual and just don't know what to do next. We really do not fit in with the ones who do this as a fetish, or because "they want to connect with their fem side" or find the clothes are just more comfy. We also do not seem to fit in here because we are not yet at the point where someone else is yet. As the original OP said "too scared to do anything about it"....well yes...damn scared....and lost...and somewhat isolated, because if we are scared we must not be a transexual.

I am a menber of a very large TG group, in fact it is the largest tri ess group in the country. We are open to all in the TG community from fetish dressers to post op. I am friends with many there. I can see the differences now so much more than I did at first and can tell the differences between the TS and cd so clearly now. There are the ones who dress up so they can get a thrill doing the dishes, and the ones who want to become something. The second group consists of the ones who are well on the way and the ones who are making baby steps and are unsure, scared, or lost about what to do next. Then there are the ones who have pushed through that stage and have little interest in those who are on the path behind them. Does a cd who goes out in town dressed have disdain for the ones who only wear the underwear at home behind closed doors? Does the pre op full time TS have disdain for the ones who are at the very beginning of their journey? Where do they go to sort things out?

[DebbieL]

I think it is so WONDERFUL that transsexuals, both MTF and FTM, have so much more support and understanding today.

I knew that I wanted to be a girl by the time I was 4 years old. I didn't understand the biological differences until it was far too late. I had undescended testes which gave me hope until I was almost 11 years old. I even used to have "periods" about every 4-5 weeks where I would get horribly constipated, and had to take pain-killers to push out the "plug" which was followed by a gush of reddish brown fluid. When I was 13, I had red blood and my parents thought it still might be an actual menstrual cycle - it was only a fissure.

My mom was supportive, and my father was understanding. My father told me that he had taken a test where he was "75% female", and my mom was a tom-boy as a young girl and thought her father wanted a little brother for his only son. She overcame Polio to learn to roller skate, ride a bicycle, and even walk without braces.

On the flip side, they learned when they sought to get help, that the "treatment" would have been to strap me to a table, put a stick in my mouth, and give me electric shock treatment to try and shock this desire out of me. My mother had been raped and given shock therapy to help "treat" her problem, so she kept it a secret and told me not to tell anyone - to protect me from that "treatment".

I ended up hanging out with the gay community in high school and many people assumed I was gay. I would say "yes, I'm a lesbian", and only a very small group of women realized that this was actually true. Most just assumed it was a joke. I ended up going to a women's college with 900 women and 25 men, and I was one of the few who was not either gay or in a relationship prior to entering school. I literally became "one of the girls", they gave me some magazine with pictures of transvestites, but I thought they were making fun of me and freaked out.

In 1978 I was taken to Rocky Horror Picture show, but there was only a small group doing the ad-libs. A year later I went again and there were so many ad-libs that I couldn't hear the show. I remember admitting that I was a lot like Frankie, but it was a lonely time.

It wasn't until 1988, when I was at a marriage counselor and shared that I was transgendered that I FINALLY got any kind of SUPPORT. He told me and my wife that if I continued to try to suppress my feminine side, I'd probably end up killing myself. When my wife started having an affair, I started seeing a gender counselor, who gave me lots of wonderful suggestions and assignments, which I did every week-end as well as some week-days. By 1990 I was ONLY going to work in boy-mode. I'd be picked up by two wonderful women I was living with and was told "Get Dressed" - the minute I got into the house. Sometimes I'd cook dinner for them, other times we'd go out together, with the kids, and other times 2 of the adults would go to a 12 step meeting while the third watched the kids. I was on the road to transition.

That's when my wife showed me a letter from a school therapist that said my visitation was harmful to the kids and I should only be allowed supervised visitation to evaluate whether my visitation should be revoked completely. My ex-wife told me that if I didn't stop the transition, she would deliver it to a sympathetic judge herself. Since she worked at the court-house, I knew it was not an idle threat.

Eventually, my ex told me to stop visitation anyway, and I went to NYC, where I thought I might find a community for support, but ended up in New Jersey instead, where Cross-dressing was still illegal.

I went into a leadership program and broke the record books, but was denied the leadership roles because I wouldn't "Burn the Wardrobe", and promise to give up any hope for transition. By the end of the program my weight had shot from 155 to 200 lbs, a side-effect of not cross-dressing.

I got so fat that I didn't want to dress, and eventually soared to 330 lbs, when the planes hit the World Trade Center. I eventually lost weight, but only when I would dress, and after having a heart attack and angio.

I finally put pictures of Rex and Debbie on Match.com and met the woman who is now my wife. She asked about the dressing, I explained everything, but when I started to transition again, she tried to stop it, telling me she was not OK with Debbie being at church or family gatherings, so Debbie couldn't transition. I ended up having a stroke.

When I go out as Debbie, I am healthier, happier, and enjoy my life more. When I'm in "Rex-mode" exclusively for months.

[Xrys]

we allways have and always will live in a world where evrything has a price. in order to get something we want, we must give up something in return. that is when it comes to our priorities. some people are not willing to sacrifice a life long relationship in order to transition. some feel the guilt of the pain they might cause to their loved ones would be more unbearable than the disphoria. does that make them any less ts? does the pain they feel from their disphoria become any less significant or real if they choose not to transition? i do not believe for a minute that it does, or ever would. i am greatfull that i never felt comfortable looking for anyrhing more than friends, and all my friends are supportave. i agree that you have to do what you have to do, but choosing not to do it because you cant cause those you love that much pain with a clean concience does not make someone any less ts. i apreciate your encouragement to others, and i agree that if your ts, yor should transition as soon as possible. however, i cannot sit by and listen to someone say that if someone chooses not to transition, then they are not a real ts. this is total BS, and my concience requires me to call you out on this point. i apologize that my inner bitch came out, but i feel it had to be said.

[Rianna Humble]

This is a very serious topic. Members will hold and express very forthright views on these questions and there is nothing wrong with that.

I don't see anything bitchy in your comments, Xrys, and I hope that everyone in this thread will be able to express themselves as politely as you did.

I would like to qualify the notion that a TS should transition as soon as possible. In my not so humble opinion, any transsexual should only transition if they need to do so. As long as there is anything more important in your life than having your body match your gender, then I believe that you do not need to transition and that to start under those circumstances would only bring heartache and possibly worse.

If becoming whole is the most important thing in your life, then you will be willing to make any sacrifice to get there. To me, that is the simplest definition of when you need to transition.

I have often read members saying that they will suppress the need to transition in order to please a spouse or another family member, but sometimes the more unselfish thing to do is to go ahead with transition so that you will still be around as a functioning human being rather than sacrificing the need and becoming (in some cases) suicidally depressed.

Like Xrys, I do not accept the notion that transition is what defines the medical condition. Since we are born transsexual, we don't suddenly become "not transsexual" because we make a choice not to transition. That choice may make us ill-advised, but it does not negate the medical condition.

[Angela Campbell]

Is it kind of like a person who drinks every day, and craves it all day but is still at the point where he is able to hold a job, and does not go to any AA meetings is not really an alcoholic because he has not really destroyed his life and lost his job. A true alcoholic is so out of control he cannot work, has destroyed all his relationships and is drinking anytime he is awake. But if this person decides to stop drinking on his own with no support from AA and stays sober he is also not an alcoholic....not really.

I don't know. Is it possible that there are degrees of the dysphoria? Is it only the most severe cases that would be considered to be a symptom of "true" transexualism? Is it not pretty normal to be scared of not only admitting this but to take action? Is it possible that the fear of taking action is the natural way to keep someone who is not a true transexual from changing or keep one from undertaking this before ready? Is this why a therapist is a good idea? How many have completed the process had a time in their life where they did not have a severe case of the dysphoria ? If so were the not a transexual at that time? Were they then not born this way? I don't know. I wish I did.

I am scared. Really scared. I am doing something about it but I still have not committed to how far I will go and I think that is what scares me the most. What if I get to the point I feel like I must transition completely or die and cannot?

[Kathryn Martin]

I just thought I should quote this from Benjamin's book "the Transsexual Phenomeneon" . It is enlightening:

For patients of a high degree of transsexualism (the "true and full-fledged transsexual"), a conversion operation is the all-consuming urge, as mentioned earlier and as a later chapter will show still more fully. Cross-dressing is an insufficient help, as aspirin for a brain tumor headache would be (Group 3).
….
It is true that the request for a conversion operation is typical only for the transsexual and can actually serve as definition. It is also true that the transvestite looks at his sex organ as an organ of pleasure, while the transsexual turns from it in disgust.
….
When asked about the conversion operation, he admitted that if he were alone in the world, nothing could keep him from undergoing it. But as things are, he would harm too many people, could not continue in his profession, or preserve his present standard of living. Therefore, he does not consider surgery and a complete changeover. He manages to continue his present "pursuit of happiness" with "dressing" and estrogen. Peter's classification on the Kinsey scale (K.S.) would be a 2 or 3. On the S.O.S., IV.
….
The true transvestite as a rule does not want any treatment. Doctors do not see them except in rare instances. They want nothing from the medical profession. They merely want to be left alone to pursue their own particular form of happiness, that is to say, "dressing," and rather want society to be treated educationally so that a more tolerant attitude would gradually emerge.

This may help with the discussion.