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Thread: "I am Trans, but I am scared to do anything about it."

  1. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele View Post
    ...
    another kick off point is therapy... it took me three years to call dr osborne!!!!
    but you get that first real therapist, and you spend hour by hour going over your thoughts..and focusing your thoughts (Which are likely all over the place) on what's important...its hugely helpful especially at the beginning..

    ...

    also it always strikes me as a bit self serving to say "i am doing this for my family"
    ...
    That reminds me of something I'd forgotten. For a year or two prior to my coming here I would go out of my way to walk by a LGBT center during lunch. I'd stop, read the flyers in the windows, think about going in to talk to someone - but never would. On two separate occasions I actually set out with the intent to go in. On one of those days they were closed. On the other one they were in the process of moving and were closed! I finally screwed up my courage and went in. I mumbled something vague about finding a gender therapist. The guy scribbled a number down for me. I called a couple of times but no one ever picked up. When I finally got to the point where I had to see someone or bust, I did my homework properly and started making calls. I thought I was going to have a meltdown on some of them.

    The family thing has so many different aspects that it would be hard to list them all. Are some people self-serving in saying this? I have no doubt at all. The language that some use indicates that either the intensity that demands transition isn't there anyway or that they are using it as an excuse to avoid dealing with the issue. I'm always a little bothered when people go down this route and their spouse isn't even aware. I have never thought particularly highly of the "noble," unilateral sacrifice. When both are working together, though, trying to make the best of a difficult situation, then I can accept it more readily.
    Lea

  2. #27
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    I can understand the too scared part. You know you need to change. You do not know how. You do not even know what first step to take. Do I go left, or right, straight ahead? If I make the wrong choice will the financial ability of doing this go away leaving me with no possibility to do this? Can choices I make leave me in a worst place than I am in now? Can it get worse than it is now? It is hard when no one...and I mean no one...really understands.

    Just do it seems like a really bad choice even in desperation. But then again planning is not easy either as there seems no route that can get to the destination.
    All I ever wanted was to be a girl. Is that really asking too much?

  3. #28
    Senior Member melissaK's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele View Post
    . . . as for morality... we see it all the time...people saying they won't transition for their family.. but it actually marginalizes people that have families and transition... in marginalizes our own deep and loving feelings for our families...my transsexualism was already hurting my family long before my transition...my distance, my emptiness, throwing my desperation into work all had their negative impacts...
    @Kaitlyn: The fact that we see it all the time, and we see the consequences you yourself lived through, and I know the mental health consequnces I suffered is what makes me search these issues out in myself so intensely. I don't have answers, just hunches.

    As I look back with hindsight on my own experience, and I see the timing of me giving myself permission to move forward with transition (ultimately no one controls this but us) I thought about my hypothesis that some aspects of providing for my kids is really hard wired in me.

    We can change our beliefs through logic and education, but we can't so readily change subconsciously driven feelings. It's pretty murky deciding what's what. But transitioning for many of us seems to pit two deeply held feelings against each other, and we can't reconcile or resolve them. Lord knows we try. We get stuck and wallow in overwhelming GD until it wins an upper hand, and we do something toward a transition, and then with that feeling slightly appeased we continue carrying out and acting on the other feeling. It's sad to watch us live through that jumping back and forth between frying pans and fire. But some of us do it.

    Having my kids out of the house and in career jobs, suddenly I wanted to move forward with transition again. I could say F&$@ it to a lot of fears about my job, friends and money ( I have saved some $). But my feelings with my wife still have to be coped with. @Lea, We are working this together, finally. It's hard and outcome is uncertain.
    Hugs,
    'lissa

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  4. #29
    Just call me Amanda GirlieAmanda's Avatar
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    Of couse, any steps are good steps. Even as mentioned, getting some electro. Therapy will not out you, therapy won't destroy your life. Quite the opposite, it may save it. When I say "Do it", I mean, start in any way that you can. I see people paralyzed by fear to do anything. Go to a support group. People resist this with every fiber sometimes. Just doing small, very doable steps,can start to ease your mind. I hear so many STILL say that they didn't know how to start or who to reach out to. So they do nothing and suffer. There are so many resources out there now. Start small, start slow, start easy. Just start. You will most likely be happier.
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  5. #30
    Silver Member Kathryn Martin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xrys View Post
    ...i cannot sit by and listen to someone say that if someone chooses not to transition, then they are not a real ts. this is total BS, and my conscience requires me to call you out on this point. i apologize that my inner bitch came out, but i feel it had to be said.
    Quote Originally Posted by Rianna Humble View Post
    Like Xrys, I do not accept the notion that transition is what defines the medical condition. Since we are born transsexual, we don't suddenly become "not transsexual" because we make a choice not to transition. That choice may make us ill-advised, but it does not negate the medical condition.
    I agree with Rianna, that transition does not define the medical condition. I do however part company there. Transsexualism is in part defined by the intensity with which the sex/sex conflict is experienced. High intensity transsexuals (such as Type 5 and 6 transsexuals) have no choice in the matter. The only option they have is to step on the path through transition earlier or later. People don't chose to transition. External aspects such as perceived or real responsibilities felt towards others such as family may affect the timing but never the need. The greater the intensity of the conflict between brain and the reproductive organs the sooner you must transition. External aspects of financial security are in my view largely security blankets as described by Kaitelyn in terms of marginalization. If you can sustain a lifetime of living a male life why would you transition. If you had given me the blue pill of being a man when I was 13 years old I would have taken it. I never wanted to be a girl, I just was one with a disfigured body. If I could have avoided a life of struggle and conflict I would have.
    "Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)

  6. #31
    Aspiring Artist Kelly DeWinter's Avatar
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    This is article is for informational purposes only. Its seems well researched and balanced. I post it in this thread for information purposes only. One sobering point is that for ONE psychologist "...... Ron Lawrence of the Community Counseling Center in Las Vegas says about 5% of his transgender patients revert. " I have NOT had time to research the sources used in the article.

    For some, shadow of regret cast over gender switch

    http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/...r-penner_N.htm
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  7. #32
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    I'm not sure what point you are trying to make Kelly, by posting an article that is now four years old, and the main person referred to in the article subsequently took their own life - yes, there are some who regret their transition but as has been written many times in this section, it is usually someone who has fast tracked themselves (Charles Kane as a prime example).

    If you wanted to put something out "for informational purposes" why pick that one? There are plenty of other articles available "for informational purposes" that give a totally different slant.

  8. #33
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    ack

    Charles Kane alert...
    ..he had no business transitioning..
    anything that uses his story as the "regret" portion is not well researched

    here's the key...he's not transsexual...NOT TRANSSEXUAL...

    so his regret is totally and completely IRREVELANT to transsexuals...not even a little bit..

    we tend to debate who is and who isnt...people get all upset...
    Charles Kane is why we talk about it..he has done more damage to transsexuals than 1000 hateful preachers could...not transsexuals that wish they were ts or claim to be do harm to transsexual people..

    all that article does is help him do more damage...poor souls read that and it puts another blockage in front of them..poor wives read that and get false hope that their ts hubby will be ok as a guy

  9. #34
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    To be fair, Kelly's link does not mention Charles Kane. It mentions the tragedy of Mike Penner/Christine Daniels and it quotes a shyster at Johns Hopkins who says it is the responsibility of Transsexuals to disprove his belief (based on discredited pseudo-research) that transsexuality is not biological.
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  10. #35
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    Some may say i'm not a real TS. I'm 42 and the only thing I do now is dress up occasionally. I don't need clothes to feel girly. I don't plan on doing anything in the future either except to deal with it.

    ....when the school psychologist asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk about I was going to...up until he hit record on the tape player
    ....when my dad asked me when I was 12 if I wanted to be a girl I should have said yes.
    ....when I guy in the Army said "you're such a girl" I should have said thank you I am.

    should of could of....
    Last edited by Deborah; 04-06-2013 at 09:00 AM.

  11. #36
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    oops...my bad...misread the previous post...i read the Charles Kane article recently and had it in my mind...i assumed it was the same article...

    i'll stick with the Charles Kane alert tho...hehe...rianna i think you said it more analytically than my more emotionally based comment....since very few of us are ts, it falls on us to prove it...its galling that life screwups by people that are not TS, and sad situations where ts people fail publicly due to other (Very real) issues end up putting more of a burden on people that are wishing to transition..

    the Daniels/Penner situation SHOULD simply highlight how brutal it can be to transtion, and how we need all the help we can get to do it!! instead people that hate us use it against us..

    +++++++++
    well deborah are you??
    if so, what does saying you are ts mean to you?? what is your point in this thread?

    if you don't need clothes to feel "girly", why do you have a computer sex kitten avatar?

  12. #37
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    There are some people who say if you're not transitioning then you're not a TS. It's not that i'm scared there are other factors.

    The avatar is from my Secondlife account and I don't always dress up like that. I haven't been online in game for a long time now and don't really want to post RL pictures anymore.

  13. #38
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    you didnt really answer my the question..that's ok..i'm not trying to bother you..

    i'd really like to know your point..in all honesty its kind of empty to say i'm ts, meh, i have no intent to transition...its like me saying i'm a fish... but i can't swim or breath water...whether people believe me or not doesnt really matter since i never go in the water

  14. #39
    Just call me Amanda GirlieAmanda's Avatar
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    This may be some tough love here, but this is how a true transsexual is described by Harry Benjamin:

    There is hardly a person so constantly unhappy (before sex change or hormone treatment) as the transsexual. Only for short periods of his (or her) life, such as those rare moments of hope when a conversion operation seems attainable or when, successfully assuming the identity of a woman in name, dress, and social acceptance, is he able to forget his misery. It is not always the frustrated, passionate sexuality, but more so the heart-breaking anguish of the transsexual’s gender disharmony that makes him forever a candidate for self-mutilation, suicide, or its attempt. The false relief obtained from alcohol and drugs is not an infrequent complication.

    This is a transsexual person. It was true in 1966, and it amazingly still is razor true. There may be people with some levels of gender dysphoria who are also content with living their lives in both genders, or, even have the ultimate tough choice of supporting family and afraid of financial loss. By this definition which describes a transsexual, they either transition, or be tortured and possibly do themselves harm if they do not transition or at least take steps. People forget that "trans" means: a prefix occurring in loanwords from Latin ( transcend; transfix ); on this model, used with the meanings “across,” “beyond,” “through,” “changing thoroughly. It does not mean when you get around to it, or maybe when I am 40 when the kids leave. It means right now. I believe the moment I became a transsexual is the moment I pierced my ears in August 2010. It was a permanent body modification SOLELY for the purpose of easing my dysphoria. Not for fun. It changed my ears forever, even if I let the holes close up, I will be forever changed. It was more of a symbolic action but it was huge for me. Then I started growing my hair, and onto hormones which now have PERMANENTLY changed me in some ways. Surgeries are the ultimate permanent change. Electro is a surgery of sorts. I now have permanently changed my beard. All of this is for the SOLE purpose of easing my dysphoria. This, to me is a transsexual, the small section on the TG spectrum such as visible light is on the radiation spectrum. This is where I am coming from. It's not to belittle people who don't transition. I believe they are on another wavelength of the spectrum, a perfectly fine wavelength.
    The phoenix has risen the old life is gone
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  15. #40
    Member Xrys's Avatar
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    i want to make sure i understand your point of view before i respond. acording to you, one is not a true transexual until one takes action, regardless of how big or small, to bring permanant change to one's body such that they take on charecteristics of ones true gender. also, buy said logic, one is not a true transexual until such actions are taken. are there any other requirements other than the above mentioned action that must quallify one to be a true transexual? also, what actions guallify one to be a true transexual? permanant body modification has been covered, but are there others like therapy, or makeing preperations for things like finding a transition friendly job or planning finances? most importantly, why is such a distinction necessary? what purposde does it serve? i am trrying to see it from your point of view, but i just dont get the purpose. i feel it should be the problem that we all share that unites us together, rather than the steps toward treatment. disphoria is disphoria, just like cancer is cancer. it should not matter how long it goes ubntreated, if you have it, you have it. why do we need to subcategorize our selves? why is it necrssary to devide ourselves further? and what does it make those who arent "true transexuals"? i wish i could understand why some find these distinctions so necesdary, but it judt dosent make sense to me. if i am wrong in understanding your point of view, please correct me. i want to understand, but i just dont see why it is necessary.
    "Your transformation is not a disease. You were just given the key to the door in front of you. There's no need to know the cause. No need for sorrow or sadness. What comes next is up to you. You can use your keys to open the door...or lock it tight." - Urahara Kisuke

  16. #41
    trans punk Badtranny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xrys View Post
    i want to understand, but i just dont see why it is necessary.
    Okay then let's stop talking about transsexuals and start talking about transitioners.

    Starting now I will no longer use the term transexual. The term I will us in reference to myself and my sisters is TRANSITIONER. This way there can be no confusion as to who I'm talking about. No hurt feelings because someone feels like they are not being heard. Everybody who is transitioning or has transitioned will know I am speaking to them by the subject matter alone. The term Transsexual is apparently waaaaaaaaay to vague to be useful as a description.

    Of course it's only a matter of time before a significant percentage of people starts to proclaim themselves as transitioners that will not finish until the next life, but for the time being at least, TRANSITIONER should speak to the intended audience and alleviate any confusion.
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  17. #42
    Just call me Amanda GirlieAmanda's Avatar
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    It just makes me laugh. I feel like people who claim they are a transsexual and are doing nothing about it, thus negating the "transsexual" part are very offended if you call them anything else. I like "transitioners". Maybe that can be an even smaller section of the small section of the spectrum of the small section of people who are under the trangender spectrum. In other words, "Come On man!" You are either taking steps thus, "trans", moving across to the opposite gender. MOVING(present tense), not planning on moving, thinking about moving, putting off moving, making plans to someday think about moving, wondering why you are not moving, you are moving to the opposite gender. Otherwise, you are somewhat content with your situation and are somewhere on the TG spectrum. People want so bad to be TS for some reason. It's not something to wish for really. It's not exactly great to be conflicted and have to endure pain and suffering just to be congruent. Who would wish for this life?
    Last edited by GirlieAmanda; 04-07-2013 at 12:19 AM.
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  18. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by GirlieAmanda View Post
    Otherwise, you are somewhat content with your situation and are somewhere on the TG spectrum.
    What about people who's economic situations make the cost of transition simply not possible - people who are impoverished? They might well not be content with their situation - far from it. But they might be unable to do much about it. I believe such people exist. What would you call them?
    Last edited by PaulaQ; 04-07-2013 at 03:38 AM. Reason: clarity

  19. #44
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Amanda is making the common mistake of thinking that because "trans" means across it necessarily also means "in motion".

    Transsexuals as defined in her Harry Benjamin quote have the condition whether they have begun transition or are still at the point of self harm.

    Quote Originally Posted by GirlieAmanda View Post
    There is hardly a person so constantly unhappy (before sex change or hormone treatment) as the transsexual. Only for short periods of his (or her) life, such as those rare moments of hope when a conversion operation seems attainable or when, successfully assuming the identity of a woman in name, dress, and social acceptance, is he able to forget his misery.
    Indeed the quote makes it extremely clear that Benjamin considers them true transsexual before they even understand that there is any hope of alleviating the suffering.
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  20. #45
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    Is it kind of like a person who drinks every day, and craves it all day but is still at the point where he is able to hold a job, and does not go to any AA meetings is not really an alcoholic because he has not really destroyed his life and lost his job. A true alcoholic is so out of control he cannot work, has destroyed all his relationships and is drinking anytime he is awake. But if this person decides to stop drinking on his own with no support from AA and stays sober he is also not an alcoholic....not really.

    I don't know. Is it possible that there are degrees of the dysphoria? Is it only the most severe cases that would be considered to be a symptom of "true" transexualism? Is it not pretty normal to be scared of not only admitting this but to take action? Is it possible that the fear of taking action is the natural way to keep someone who is not a true transexual from changing or keep one from undertaking this before ready? Is this why a therapist is a good idea? How many have completed the process had a time in their life where they did not have a severe case of the dysphoria ? If so were the not a transexual at that time? Were they then not born this way? I don't know. I wish I did.

    I am scared. Really scared. I am doing something about it but I still have not committed to how far I will go and I think that is what scares me the most. What if I get to the point I feel like I must transition completely or die and cannot?
    Last edited by Angela Campbell; 04-07-2013 at 07:06 AM.
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  21. #46
    Silver Member Kathryn Martin's Avatar
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    I just thought I should quote this from Benjamin's book "the Transsexual Phenomeneon" . It is enlightening:

    For patients of a high degree of transsexualism (the "true and full-fledged transsexual"), a conversion operation is the all-consuming urge, as mentioned earlier and as a later chapter will show still more fully. Cross-dressing is an insufficient help, as aspirin for a brain tumor headache would be (Group 3).
    ….
    It is true that the request for a conversion operation is typical only for the transsexual and can actually serve as definition. It is also true that the transvestite looks at his sex organ as an organ of pleasure, while the transsexual turns from it in disgust.
    ….
    When asked about the conversion operation, he admitted that if he were alone in the world, nothing could keep him from undergoing it. But as things are, he would harm too many people, could not continue in his profession, or preserve his present standard of living. Therefore, he does not consider surgery and a complete changeover. He manages to continue his present "pursuit of happiness" with "dressing" and estrogen. Peter's classification on the Kinsey scale (K.S.) would be a 2 or 3. On the S.O.S., IV.
    ….
    The true transvestite as a rule does not want any treatment. Doctors do not see them except in rare instances. They want nothing from the medical profession. They merely want to be left alone to pursue their own particular form of happiness, that is to say, "dressing," and rather want society to be treated educationally so that a more tolerant attitude would gradually emerge.
    This may help with the discussion.
    "Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)

  22. #47
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    Just how common is it for a person to move from a 3 to a 4...then to 5 ...then to 6?
    All I ever wanted was to be a girl. Is that really asking too much?

  23. #48
    Silver Member Kathryn Martin's Avatar
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    It does not happen. It's the intensity issue.
    "Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)

  24. #49
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    its not as much as moving on the scale...there is no "becoming" except for becoming AWARE of your situation's true nature..
    the distress you feel can move from 3, 4, 5, 6 up to a point where it becomes unbearable...but you have always been you..

    its important because if this was not the case, it would imply that basically we are mental health cases, and you could become more and less transsexual..it would imply that reparation therapy should work...it would imply that one of us could convince another that they are transsexual...

  25. #50
    trans punk Badtranny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by almostalady View Post
    Just how common is it for a person to move from a 3 to a 4...then to 5 ...then to 6?
    Well I can't really speak to late transsexuals, but I have some experience with late transitioners and for myself and the girls that I know personally, the GID was not crippling. We got along just fine in life. In my personal case, I had some problems as an adolescent with depression and suicidal thoughts, but I kinda grew out of that and accepted my life such as it was. The rest of my life was outwardly fine and most of the people who knew me were very surprised when I transitioned. My GID was internal. It was like a missing piece in a machine. It seemed okay on the outside, but wasn't running right on the inside. As soon as I saw other TS women (on this board), I realized that I wasn't so special. I was faced with the solution to my problem, and after struggling with it for a year or so, I made a commitment to transition.

    There was never a period where I sat in a dark room with a bottle and a gun. I never got sick when I saw my naked body. I lived a relatively normal life albeit one with consistent relationship issues. My GID was something I felt but it wasn't something I would show. Even one of my best CD friends was surprised when she found out I was transitioning. When I read the posts from the tortured transexuals, I realize that I don't have much in common with them so I wonder if I ever was one. On the other hand, I have a lot in common with the transitioners, so ...

    For your GID to become more severe? I'm not sure what that means. I never really thought about transition seriously until I learned it was a real thing. Then it moved from a wish to a plan in the matter of 12-14 months. That's an escalation, but I didn't hate my body anymore at the end then I did in the beginning. I didn't feel anymore 'girly' before going full time than I did when I was 20. What does it mean to become increasingly distressed, and what's the end result of something like that?
    Quote Originally Posted by STACY B
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