SOs and "getting used to it"

[edith]

So I came out to Mrs Edith a few weeks ago. Things were tense for a while afterward. She was hurt that I hid it from her, and she wasn't sure how she felt about it.

Things have improved tremendously now. She's over the shock and feelings of betrayal, and has accepted my need to dress -- but she doesn't feel particularly good about it. She doesn't want to see me dressed, doesn't want to know when I'm doing it. The thought of me in women's clothing gives her a pit in her stomach and kills sexual desire.

That said, she feels frustrated that she can't just fully accept it immediately. She wants to get to the point where it's no big deal, but has a hard time imagining how to get there. She asked me to ask you all about this.

So, dressers and SOs of dressers: how long did it take you/your SO to get comfortable with crossdressing? What were the milestones? Any advice?

[Rachel Morley]

A wife’s or girlfriend’s road to acceptance is rarely smooth. My wife says that "CDing can be a bit like trying new food, you have to try at least ten times before you start to get a liking for it."

She may accept your crossdressing at the intellectual level, but not at the emotional level. If her personal values include being non-judgmental and tolerant of others, she will hopefully quickly acknowledge that there is nothing wrong with a man wanting to wear women’s clothes. She may understand that this behavior is harmless and quite common. But regardless of what her thoughts are, her feelings will proceed at their own pace. It is one thing to accept the concept of crossdressing, but it is something else entirely to see her husband in a dress. This gap between intellectual and emotional acceptance can be as confusing for her. Be patient. If she is well-informed about crossdressing and her beliefs are in the right place, her emotions will almost certainly follow .... eventually.

There's a sticky in the loved one's section called "Now I Like It, Now I Don’t: Understanding the Acceptance Pendulum" the first post might help her. Here's a link: Now I Like It, Now I Don’t: Understanding the Acceptance Pendulum

[janette_05]

I just told my wife, its been about 3 months now...it takes time, go slow, and talk alot. We have rules set, she now helps me with sizes.

[Jenniferathome]

I came out to my wife about two years ago. She didn't see me dressed for at least 6 months. Her primary fear was that seeing me dressed would cause her to see me "that way" when not dressed. That fear was was proven to be just that and now she has no issues seeing me in girl mode. Still, I never pushed it. I always ask if she minds me dressing. She always says no, but it's there for her to waive off if she wants.

Remember there is nothing in her history to prepare her for this. The best thing you can do is talk about it. What fears does she have? Address each one honestly and completely.

[Chari]

Great advice from previous posts!!! Continue with communications, set guide lines, and go slow (at her pace), as this is a big change in her life. Consider having her "help" you - IF she is willing, with colors/fashions - what looks good on you, hair styles, applying make-up, etc, to slowly get her some what involved. Do this ONLY if she is comfortable seeing your feminine side. Some wives, SO's, and others may never accept the "new" you, so be prepared to go it alone. The reality is our femme feelings and needs will never go away!

[Jenni Yumiko]

My wife is in the same spot more or less, does t want to see me dressed in clothes. She's trying to accept the lingerie, but says she can't hug me or feel intimate and feel a bra strap, it just makes her sick. :-(
I'm hoping in the long scope of things ms Edith n ms Jen will come to a point where it doesn't matter.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Edith, the old slogan "honesty is the best policy" is still the best. I've come out to some 1970's high school girl friends that I reconnected with on Facebook and they're fine, loving, and supportive. I went through a divorce that got traumatic because of my GID. In 1987 I met my second wife. Right up front, probably on our third date I began to see how she would feel being with someone like me. In this way she could decide if she wanted to continue dating. Well today, with lots of details in between, she has gotten on my case for being so paranoid about going out dressed. She is very supportive.

My advice is to take it very slow and let your wife get used to little changes along the way. If you can involve her, great! Ask and listen to her feelings and let her express them. Promise her you won't do anything that would shatter her world or her security and only with her blessing. I've made compromises to "pay back" my wife by doing things for her to to enjoy what she loves. Now that I'm retired I do things like dishes and housework so she can come home from work, kick her shoes off, and not worry about anything else. That's one example.

Be very kind to your wife and be sure you do what it takes to show her how much you appreciate her. Trust me, our wives deserve so much appreciation. I feel badly for those of us who have a wife who cannot accept this part of ourselves.

Best wishes! BTW, you look great! I'm jealous! LOL!

Cheryl Ann

[Shelly Preston]

This is someting where no one size fits all approach can work

Being patient does help, communications is the key. Take things along at a pce she is comfortable with. Chari is almost correct. If your discussing clothes dont make the discussion all about you unless thats her intention. Over time she may want to understand your taste in clothes and want to see what you have.

She may want to see pictures of you before she is ready for Edith in person, you just never know.

[Julie Gaum]

The tips you received: communication --- lots of talking, don't overload, such as suggesting she helps you dress---not at this point, and be
as nice as you can be --- she must be told frequently that you love her --- all good tips. In addition you first have to know more of yourself
for we can't tell you what to say as we don't know you. First off are you sure or not certain as to your present or developing sexuality?
The first fear when a gg is told is "Are you gay?". Perhaps you already know. Sixty years ago I thought that dressing automatically made me gay and that same concern rears its head with today's CDs. Your SO will need answers. Next question usually in their minds is whether you intend to transition all or partially (mind etc.). Third concern is "Does that make me a lesbian?" You may or may not know the answers yet but sooner or later you have to face them honestly.
Good luck
Julie

[melissakozak]

Talk, talk, and talk, and then when you think you haven't talked enough, talk some more and then give you and your spouse, time, time and more time. And then talk and then wait, and don't push a thing. This is not easy on our spouses in anyway shape or form for the most part. Have patience, answer the questions, and slowly, ever so slowly move forward....

[edith]

Thanks everyone. It's great to get so much enthusiastic support and friendly advice. Taking it slow is what we've been doing and will continue to do.

[Mimi]

It helped me to become a member of this forum, and then once I had my required posts in, I applied and became a member of FAB, which is a subforum just for the SOs of crossdressers. I did a lot of reading on the forum, and for me, personally, what helped was that I saw the members on this forum as real people with real concerns, worries, and a lot of love for their spouses. It took me a few months to become comfortable seeing Eryn dressed, and it probably took at least six months before we went out with her dressed.

[Stephanie47]

Edith, just what is YOUR goal???? You may just have to settle for a 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' relationship. Face the fact your wife may not be able to accept any part of cross dressing. She may get over the "deceit." Frankly, I have always taken the position the "deceit" really masks a woman's repulsion for cross dressing. Kind of "love the cross dresser, hate the cross dressing." If you are expecting to nudge her into accepting an open display of cross dressing behavior, you may be expecting too much.

My wife has not accepted cross dressing-period, by me or anyone else. And, we've been married for over forty years.

Again, what level of support or acceptance or participation are you expecting????

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

I have to say that it's different for everyone. One size does not fit all. I also have to reiterate that honesty, sincere and truthful talk, and open discussion are the key. The chips will fall where they may. It's going to be one thing or another. Tonight I wanted to tell my wife about the conversations I've had with her sister, but my gut told me not to. Her sis told me that I have total acceptance with the family, but I'm not sure my wife is ready to hear that. You see, it's different for everyone and you have to gage every step along the way. I'm blessed that my wife is kicking my butt to get on some makeup and get dressed and go out and BE(!!!!) myself. I see my transition as a sort of developed diplomacy. Best way I can describe it, and loving it!

Cheryl Ann

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Edith, The ball is in her court now go easy and don't overwhelm her.

[DaniG]

What everyone else said.

My wife and I are going on four months now. She has good times and bad. But she doesn't want to see me dressed on hear my feminine voice. I hope things improve. It's encouraging that she's trying so hard though.

[edith]

It helped me to become a member of this forum, and then once I had my required posts in, I applied and became a member of FAB, which is a subforum just for the SOs of crossdressers. I did a lot of reading on the forum, and for me, personally, what helped was that I saw the members on this forum as real people with real concerns, worries, and a lot of love for their spouses. It took me a few months to become comfortable seeing Eryn dressed, and it probably took at least six months before we went out with her dressed.

Thank you for responding, hearing from spouses who have worked through this is especially helpful. I invited my wife to come on here and to visit the reddit crosdressing community. She said "not yet". I do know that she has done some reading online about dressing, and my impression is that it helped her get to the "I accept that this is important for you" phase. I'll mention the SO subforum to her some time.

Edith, just what is YOUR goal???? You may just have to settle for a 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' relationship. Face the fact your wife may not be able to accept any part of cross dressing.
[snip]
Again, what level of support or acceptance or participation are you expecting????

Whoa, ease up on the question marks Stephanie, no need to shout. My wife has already accepted a lot (I'm thrilled with her reaction, actually). So unless she has a change of heart, I think I can be happy even if we never get to the shopping and manicure stage.

To be honest I'm not sure what I want out of dressing long-term. For now, just being open about it after decades of suppression and secrets is exhilarating. I've never been able to give full expression to this side of me before. My wife has been out of town the past few days, so I've been able to spend hours doing makeup and getting dressed and just walking around the house doing normal things. It's been amazing. I cleaned the cat box yesterday in a miniskirt and 4-inch heels.

So maybe doing this every so often is enough for me, or maybe it'll morph into something more. I think someday I might like to go out dressed to a bar, or march in a pride parade. Beyond that I have no idea. Time will tell.

[ReineD]

The only truth that applies to all women who are struggling with acceptance, but who do want to work towards it, is that it takes time. Anything new takes time to get used to. Think of moving into a new house. How long does it take before it truly feels like home, and the memories of the last place you had lived in for 15-20 years have dimmed.

Tell your wife that no one who experiences barriers to the crossdressing should be expected to overcome them immediately, as she suggests. Tell her to not put pressure on herself. But, I would also tell her that you no longer wish to dress behind her back, and so how are you supposed to be transparent with the CDing if she doesn't even want to know when you dress? I think it's important for now to respect that she doesn't want to see you dressed, but to try to get her involved in planning for times and places when you CAN dress without her seeing you.

If you continue to dress without having her know when and where you dress, you will not be in a significantly different position than before you told her. Additionally you will be helping her to not face the fact that you crossdress.

She really does need to ascertain that after an evening of dressing (whether it is when she goes to the movies or when you go out to a support group), that everything gets back to normal afterwards. And she will only get used to the idea that you crossdress once you have enough of those experiences under your belts. And when, in time, she stops feeling threatened by the very idea of the CDing, the two of you can maybe work toward having her see you dressed. ... but don't even go there yet. One step at a time.

[Michelle (Oz)]

So, dressers and SOs of dressers: how long did it take you/your SO to get comfortable with crossdressing? What were the milestones? Any advice?

I can't provide a positive answer to your question. Currently, it is 'never' - it is 'abhorrent'.

What is important though is that your love for each other need not be diminished whatever your future journey. It took me some time to recover from my wife's reaction to my revelation and overcoming the feeling of not being truly loved. With some creativity and quite some care it is possible to satisfy and explore my female sides while maintaining a strong loving relationship.

A positive is that I don't have the rollercoaster ride that many with non-accepting wives suffer.

Good luck with your efforts but be prepared to consider creative solutions.

[TeresaCD]

I've no doubt it's a big thing
Grief potentially that we are not the 'man' we seemed to be. (were we ever?)
A fear that person is 'gone', or diminished in some way. (are we not better for it?)
The usual gay or transitioning questions, not to make light of it.
I think gentle changes, lots of talking about stuff.
But also showing that we can be better for it, that we are the same person as before.
For me too, trusting someone with perhaps my most intimate secrets and desires should not been taken lightly.
I am sure for all of us in this place there are terms, and boundaries- good to work out in time.

Above all things (much to my surprise and joy), we are not alone in this. For that I am SO grateful.

[kimdl93]

Everyone is different and each couple has their own style for handling and hopefully resolving issues. The best advice is to be candid, listen carefully and be,patient. This isn't a race.

[Lynn Marie]

Well Edith, if all the replies you got where limited to Rachel and Jennifer you would have all the basics of a sound foundation to rebuild the trust with your SO. You've got a lot on your your plate now. Absolutely don't be anxious. I wish you well.

[Megan b]

My wife never got used to me being a crossdresser, so she decided to become my ex-wife. This has been hard to deal with because I did love my wife. I made mistakes, I did not tell her about this side of me till we were married for 2yrs and expecting our first child, big mistake. But hey I could not risk losing the woman that I loved just because I liked to ware a few items of lingerie and I thought that once I got married I would not have this desire/need to crossdress. I was wrong. It only grew, not all at once but over time always wanting to add something new that would help me look/feel better about myself. I think she was always afraid there would come a time when I would want to become a woman full-time. That is not the case, I like my male side just as much as my female side. I don't have any advice, most everyone will say go slow. I think that's good idea. I hope everything works out good for you and your wife.

[Beverley Sims]

It can take months or years even.
You have made it known that you X dress.
Your next step is to only bring the subject up when you are asked.
Do not mention feminine situations or remark on nice clothing that you would like.
Wait till you are asked. It will happen. Not vry soon but it will happen.
When asked do not embellish the situation, just give the facts.
There is already a lot of good advice given in this thread, I suggest you read it and heed it.

[~Joanne~]

My So came around pretty quickly but My CDing didn't really come as a shock to her I don't think. I had worn hose for quite a few years, openly, around her and had dressed fully a couple of halloweens prior to last years when I actually had the talk with her a few days before hand. Since bringing this to the table, through conversations, I hadn't been as careful about it as I thought I was. Hairs found, makeup in the sink, little things.

I don't think your SO has to accept this immediately. She may feel that way but that isn't the case. Give her the space she needs no matter how long that may take. Don't force it on her and I am sure she will come to her own terms about this in time. Good Luck.