SOs and "getting used to it"

[Jessica86]

My wife took about a year to FULLY accept who I am, I believe. As some have stated, it can take longer, shorter, or what have you. I think the biggest mile stone we had was when she ASKED me to dress....fully...in front of her. I did, and she cried. She cried hard, and I felt like I should just walk back in the room, and change. I didn't, but instead attempted to talk to her. She explained she was crying for herself, NOT because of me. So, after a minute, she said it would take a bit to get used to. That was about a month after she found out. About another month went by, and she asked again. I dressed, walked out, and she smiled, saying I was beautiful! No tears, no anything. She said she still sees me, but just has to look for him. She found it funny for a while, and said it helped her to see me when SHE was ready. She really appreciated me "putting a hold" on dressing until she asked me to. Going out was hard for both of us, but we did it. Joking went a long way. That was probably six months after she found out. She went through phases of feeling like she hated me for doing it. Phases of depression, feeling like she lost the man she married. She said the thing is as time goes by, and the more it comes up, the easier it has been for her to handle. She loves me for who I am. Even recently, I have been upset over her changing her views on it. A woman getting used to this WILL be like a pendelum on a clock. Hate, love, hate, love, and the occasional freezing at "eh, whatever." I wish I could tell you a secret formula to all of this, but truth is there is nothing a CD can do for his SO to accept. It has to be figured out by her. 1. She has to see it is not out of control, and boundaries can and will be set by her. 2. She married a man, and still has a man. 3. Love defeats all. If you both truly love each other, that is all that matters. There are far worse things that someone could be doing. That's really it. I hope that helps, and good luck to both of you!

[edith]

Thank you so much for your response, Jessica. Hearing experiences like yours is what I was after in posting this thread.

[Maria 60]

After I told her she had a few questions and she didn't want me to wear her cloths so we went out shopping for fem cloths.

[Kathy4ever]

I guess it has been about 4 months since I came out to my wife. For the most part she has supported me doing my dressing. I would say she is not a big fan of it but we have talked while I've been dressed and no real drama happened. I sleep in my night gowns about 4 or 5 days a week. At the beginning it was she didn't want to see it but has grown to accept it. She will ask me the next day what wig I use the night before. One night she came home and I had my short hair wig on and she said that was different. All I can say is take your time and let her get use to it. Today she bought some heels and said I will probable want a pair after I see them. Last month I bought the same heel she had gotten. Some will never accept it but others will make an effort. I'm rambling but wish good luck on your journey.

[Fran Moore]

So, dressers and SOs of dressers: how long did it take you/your SO to get comfortable with crossdressing? What were the milestones? Any advice?

Uhhh,, lets see here......oh yeah, like NEVER! That being said, CDing is not what defines our relationship, we choose to love and honor each other in spite of it.

No milestones, and unfortunately, no advice, other than the fact that even if she reaches a point where she is totally uncomfortable with it, it doesn't have to be a relationship ending deal breaker. Life goes on, and don't ever underestimate the "power of love".

[JamieG]

It certainly can take years. I came out to my wife about ten years ago, which was after we had been married for a year, and previously dated for three years. Our marriage hung by a thread for a few months, and then there was a detente. Since then, we've had a number of ups and downs, but the general trend has been greater acceptance. We had a big fight that centered on CDing as recently as three months ago, but in the same time frame she has gone shopping with me for girly clothes (for me) and has occasionally used my femme name to refer to me. She still prefers not to see me dressed, but is okay with it once in a while, and has even performed in charity drag shows with me a few times. We frequently joke (in a good natured way) about my CDing, and I think that is a major sign of acceptance: when the two of you can make light of it. The key is keeping communication lines open and be understanding and respectful of each others needs and feelings.

[GG Kay]

She may accept your crossdressing at the intellectual level, but not at the emotional level. If her personal values include being non-judgmental and tolerant of others, she will hopefully quickly acknowledge that there is nothing wrong with a man wanting to wear women’s clothes. She may understand that this behavior is harmless and quite common. But regardless of what her thoughts are, her feelings will proceed at their own pace. It is one thing to accept the concept of crossdressing, but it is something else entirely to see her husband in a dress. This gap between intellectual and emotional acceptance can be as confusing for her. Be patient. If she is well-informed about crossdressing and her beliefs are in the right place, her emotions will almost certainly follow .... eventually.

So well said, Rachel. This is where I find myself (my SO just told me about his CDing a few weeks ago). Time is the key. And talk honestly about everything.
At least things seem to be improving Edith. I am still in the process of getting comfortable but the time it takes will vary from person to person. Just let her know that you love her and be open to her questions and concerns.
Best of luck, Kay

[Joanne f]

It can take time as you have to realise that this has been a hidden part of you for a long time and it is part of you so you will not think about it in the same way as your wife will , she has to try to understand what this means about you as a person and to some degree on what it means to her as a person who accepts this part of you . it can turn things upside down , my wife is completely accepting of me but it was not always that way at first she felt like she could not cope with it as she did not understand it or understand why I was like it , it went against all that she thought was normal but the way that she ended up accepting it/me was to realise that I am the same person on the inside that I have always been so she looked past what I was wearing and in that way what ever I wear became normal to her , just go at your wife's pace so that she can get use to it , I know this can be frustrating at times because of the strong urges CDs can get to dress at a certain time which may not coincide with your wife's feelings at that time but I am sure that you will both get there in the end .

[Greenie]

This is where I find myself as well. Mrs Edith you need to be a really good communicator. I asked my CD BF to make sure that even when I am having a "down" day or week he needs to keep talking to me. Communication is a two way street, but due to most women's, especially mine "pendulum" of acceptance I have found that I rely on him being strong. He is the one who keeps reassuring me that we will make it. The lack of this is why I have known about the CD for two years, but it has just become something we are exploring together. We didn't communicate for a year, and he got into a place where he was hiding it to "save" my feelings. Which what I really needed was for him to (wo)MAN up and say "I know you are uncomfortable with this, but comfort will come with communication. But I am the kind of woman who loves straight forwardness.

[NicoleScott]

Edith,
Here's what I read from your post:
- she accepts your need to dress.
- she doesn't want to see you dressed.
- she doesn't want to know when you do it.

For now, there are your allowances and your boundaries.
Just as she understands your need to crossdress, you need to understand that she may never get more comfortable with it.

[ReineD]

Nicole, the problem with settling for this type of arrangement is that eventually it becomes just the same as never having told a partner at all. One of our forum members whose wife recently retired and who also had this arrangement, was in the same boat as someone who had never disclosed the crossdressing.

Settling for this will involve hiding the clothes, paying for the clothes secretly, waiting for opportunities to dress when the SO is out of the house, and if she doesn't leave home frequently enough, creating opportunities to dress behind her back, constantly covering his tracks when he does dress, and it will also involve continued lying if for example, the SO asks what her husband did while she was gone.

Any CDer who settles for this is in denial if he believes that "his wife knows" and if he does settle for this, having told the wife to begin with will have had no deeper motivation than to relieve personal guilt.

Also make no mistake. A wife who does not want to know where the clothes are stored and who doesn't even want to know when and where her husband dresses does not accept her husband's need to dress.

[StephanieH]

Came out to my wife in 2005 and within a few weeks she was fine with it - likes it now because we wear the same size shoes, thus her shoe collection is huge - she wears them a heckuva' lot more than I get to! With me, I hadn't dressed in many years (since well before we were married) and I still VERY seldom get to fully dress, mostly just underdress, but wife doesn't have a problem with either.

Big issue I've seen here over and over is hiding this from the wife, then springing it on her - tah dah! Then you wonder why they're upset and disturbed about it. Well, you've been hiding a major part of your life from her and now she's ticked off. In her mind, she's identifying the dressing with deception; they are inseparable now in her mind, and that's going to be nearly impossible, if not impossible, to undo.

I've never thought the simple act of dressing is what becomes such an issue with wives or girlfriends, it's the notion in their minds that they've been lied to, and whenever they see you dressed or the issue is raised, it merely reminds them over and over again that the man they loved was deceiving them about something important - so what else isn't he telling her?

That's no way to build a relationship that's gonna' last.

[edith]

Settling for this will involve hiding the clothes, paying for the clothes secretly, waiting for opportunities to dress when the SO is out of the house, and if she doesn't leave home frequently enough, creating opportunities to dress behind her back, constantly covering his tracks when he does dress, and it will also involve continued lying if for example, the SO asks what her husband did while she was gone.

Relieving personal guilt was one of the biggest motivations for my coming out. So even if I get nothing else out of it, I am still in a much better place. And while yes I am still hiding my clothes, I can be a lot more casual about it. If she finds them she finds them. I also don't hide my web browser history anymore, which is nice.

The good news is that neither of us see this as a permanent situation, it's just a temporary compromise arrangement to give my wife time to adjust. A new status quo will emerge over time.

[boink]

I'll share my experience, hope it's somewhat helpful.

I came out to my then girlfriend of 2 years (now wife), during my freshman year of college. She was definitely a little surprised/shocked, and not particularly comfortable with seeing me dressed at all initially. But she was accepting of my needs, and supportive enough to want to keep working through things. We moved in together that summer and basically I would dress while she was not around. It wasn't an ideal situation, but we kept talking about things and it definitely worked out alright. I didn't have to hide my stuff, and simply feeling like I didn't have something to hide about myself was a big relief.

Over the course of the summer and the next year she became more comfortable with my dressing, and we got to the point where she felt comfortable seeing me/being around me while I was dressed. I don't think there were any big milestones in particular, but things just became progressively more natural. It took another 2 years before we were both interested in stepping outside of the house together with me dressed. Again, what helped was patience, plenty of talking, and a mutual level of trust about the whole thing. Both of us wanted to make sure we were doing the right thing for each other.

At this point now my partner asks me if something is wrong if I haven't dressed in a while, she'll buy me women's clothes, etc. for presents, she's a-okay with being around me at home or out and about while dressed, we're out to a bunch of friends/family, and it feels to me like we've reached a really healthy equilibrium in terms of my needs and her comfort level. We still talk about this stuff all the time, and I hope that never goes away. There's always little things that come up, but in general we have a good balance.

I don't know what specific advice to give other than patience, communication, and time.

[NicoleScott]

Settling for this will involve hiding the clothes, paying for the clothes secretly, waiting for opportunities to dress when the SO is out of the house, and if she doesn't leave home frequently enough, creating opportunities to dress behind her back, constantly covering his tracks when he does dress, and it will also involve continued lying if for example, the SO asks what her husband did while she was gone.

Reine, in my first post, I said "For now...". And in yours, you advised to take it slow, one step at a time. I understand that in time, a SO might become more comfortable, maybe even interested, with the CDing. If/when that happens, the terms can change. But for now, even in the short term, DADT should be the way to go.

Regarding the quoted part of your post, secret dressers aren't the only ones who buy things secretly (open crossdressers, golfers, fishermen, gamblers, etc.), so that's a separate issue. For most every couple I know, the partners have some "blow money" that isn't needed for expenses or need to be accounted for. If the SO, knowing he dresses in secret (by her request, remember), asking what he did while she was gone is violating DADT. She shouldn't ask if she doesn't want to know, and, when asked, he may answer truthfully. The rest of the quote (looking for opportunities, covering his tracks, etc.) go with the current terms. If you tell me to dress in private and you don't to know about it, guess what's gonna happen?
Keeping the communication open is important, because things change, and the "arrangement" needs to change with it. She may become more comfortable with his crossdressing, and the need for secrecy may go away. But sometimes, his needs may change beyond what is permitted under the current allowances and limitations, like going out en femme, body modification, and coming out (as opposed to going out). Those may be way out of her comfort zone.
DADT works for those who make it work, for the time and situation it fits. It may not be a permanent solution, but who's to say? Every relationship is different.

[ReineD]

Edith, you are just starting out with this and I wanted to warn against the possibility that such an arrangement might become permanent despite your best intentions. Sometimes a situation like this starts out being temporary, but moving forward with discussions becomes so painful that eventually the situation gets swept under the carpet and it becomes the white elephant in the room. I've seen this happen here with heart breaking consequences ... for everyone involved.

If you and your wife both agree that you are merely taking a break from talking about this, but you do both intend on discussing it in the near future, this is OK too. Just please don't table the discussions indefinitely, else you might both settle into complacency and resuming the discussions will become increasingly difficult.

Please remember that she doesn't need to see you dressed if it gives her a sinking feeling, but if she isn't even aware that you do dress it will be too easy for her to pretend after a while that it was just a phase and that you are no longer crossdressing.

I'm just trying to give you a perspective from a GG point of view and I meant no harm in my prior post.

[suchacutie]

I wasn't going to respond to this thread because my wife and I experienced quite a different situation, but then I thought maybe the two of you could do what we did, albeit artificially:

My wife and I discovered Tina together, and never saw it coming. What that led to was intense curiosity about who this Tina-person is...how has she affected our lives together, and how might she affect our lives together. Thus, it became a joint exploration!

Might you and your wife back off completely, and then try it as that joint exploration? In my case, I knew nothing so everything was new to the both of us. One thing your wife, I'm sure, is experiencing is coming up to speed with your position on your crossdressing. She just got hit with this. If you could go back to the beginning and bring her into it, a lot might change.

Oh, and my wife is completely heterosexual...Tina is a platonic girlfriend. Saying that, one of our agreements is that, "when she wants her man, she gets him." It doesn't matter why she wants him (to clean the gutters would be just acceptable as emotional support for some issue). Being at the beginning puts you both on an even setting. It many be hard for you to do that, but it could be very instructive for both of you.

And feel free to show her my post.

tina

[linda allen]

................. I cleaned the cat box yesterday in a miniskirt and 4-inch heels.

That's exactly the kind of thing that will scare your wife. That and wanting to march in a gay pride parade.

Normal women don't wear miniskirts and 4" heels to clean the cat box. Look at your wife and follow her example. Chances are, she dresses pretty casually around the house. Chances are she wears little or no makeup unless she's going out (and maybe not much even then).

I think the mistake many crossdressers make is dressing like a street walker all or most of the time. Tone it down and it will go much easier for you.

As far as the gay pride parade, if you're not gay, let that go unless she suggests it. For a woman, having a crossdressing husband is bad enough. Having one turn gay on her is the ultimate put down.

[edith]

Just please don't table the discussions indefinitely, else you might both settle into complacency and resuming the discussions will become increasingly difficult.
...
I'm just trying to give you a perspective from a GG point of view and I meant no harm in my prior post.

No worries Reine, no offence was taken at all. I appreciate hearing lots of different viewpoints and am pleased that this thread is still going and generating discussion. My wife and I are still actively talking about things and working on what the conditions will be. There's been no break in communication.

Normal women don't wear miniskirts and 4" heels to clean the cat box.
...
I think the mistake many crossdressers make is dressing like a street walker all or most of the time. Tone it down and it will go much easier for you.

I agree 100%. Casual is more fun for me anyway, to be honest. The cat box comment was meant to illustrate how thrilling being able to dress without fear is. I was trying on a bunch of new stuff while my wife was out of town, and practicing walking in heels.

As far as the gay pride parade, if you're not gay, let that go unless she suggests it. For a woman, having a crossdressing husband is bad enough. Having one turn gay on her is the ultimate put down.

So, obviously you don't have to be gay to march in a pride parade. LGBT people of all flavors participate, as well as straight allies. And we do fit under the queer umbrella, even if you don't count heterosexual CDers as transgender. Part of accepting myself as a crossdresser was accepting myself as part of the LGBT community.

At any rate, this is a stretch goal. I won't be leaving the house dressed for a while. I only mentioned it because it is a context in which someone who is obviously crossdressed would not be out of place (I am 6'4" and husky and will always be obviously crossdressed). And of course I wouldn't do it if it would make my wife uncomfortable.

At this point now my partner asks me if something is wrong if I haven't dressed in a while, she'll buy me women's clothes, etc. for presents, she's a-okay with being around me at home or out and about while dressed...

Thank you so much for this. It's good to hear that some reluctant partners are able to adjust over time. My wife will be glad to hear it too.

[Sometimes Steffi]

For me, it's 6 years and counting, during which my wife has gone from intolerance to tolerance (but not acceptance).

Not only is it DADT, but hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. Without conversation, which she doesn't appear to want, there can be no progress, and I accept that.

I can go out on occasion with her knowledge as long as I find somewhere else to change.