I sat down with my wife this afternoon, and told her I was transgendered.
I'll paraphrase, because I'm just not comfortable sharing what I wrote to everyone, but if you are interested in the text of what I wrote, PM me. I didn't exactly stay to script, anyway - as might be expected, the conversation had a life of its own.
I started out by telling her how much I loved her, and that I was still sober. She had no doubts of either of those things. But I told her I mentioned sobriety, because I'm sure she'd noticed, and been worried, about my anxiety, negativity, and paranoia over the past few months.
I told her that we'd worked together over the start of this year to solve the financial matter I was concerned about, and that while that helped with my anxiety, it didn't make it go away, and in fact, it had gotten worse.
She allowed that she'd noticed this, and had been worried. I then told her that about a month ago, I'd found a therapist, and started counseling, and apologized for not telling her, because I was so ashamed. She didn't think a therapist was anything to be ashamed of -- so then I told her.
Honey, there's no good way to say this, so I'm just going to say it. I have realized in the course of therapy, and in talking to people on an internet forum, that I am transgendered.
There is a part of me, in my mind, that feels female - maybe a big part. I don't understand all this yet, but I know that fighting this is a big source of my anxiety.
Her immediate response surprised me, and was more positive than I'd expected - she was worried that she might have unknowingly said things that made me feel bad, and that I didn't need to feel ashamed. She was not feeling deceived - she mentioned this several times.
I then told her:
- I still feel the same way about her, I love her more than anything
- I'm not gay (she allowed she never doubted that)
- I don't want a sex change
- This isn't some kinky sex thing
- This isn't something I've chosen, and this probably isn't going away.
- I don't want her to lose the man she loves.
- I do need to express my femininity sometimes.
I then went on to tell her I'd had feelings like this a couple of other times in my life, but that I'd suppressed them, and blamed them on my alcoholism. I told her those were lies, and that I felt horrible about hiding this from her.
She told me that an apology wasn't needed - I was hiding it from myself too, she understood that. I was really afraid that she wouldn't.
I told her how much I admired her own personal honesty, and that I really admired her as a person, and that was part of what made me feel so terrible about hiding something from her.
I told her that I'd started wearing a few items of women's clothes over the past year, and a lot more over the past 2-3 months. She was really surprised that I'd purchased anything for myself, and wanted to know "Where are they?" So I told her I'd concealed them in my home office.
I had a lot more apology lined up - I really do feel badly for not telling her sooner - but I also told her that I considered waiting longer to tell her, until I understood this better. But I felt that she was already seeing changes, and that my emotional state was worse than I'd let on, and it was unfair for her not to know these things - I didn't want to torture her by making her endlessly speculate on what was going on with me.
So I told her that I needed some things:
- for her to keep loving me, I couldn't bear to lose her
- for her to try to find some acceptance in her heart for this part of me
- that I needed time and space to explore these feelings - I couldn't bottle them up anymore. She understand this. I told her I don't want her to be uncomfortable, so I want to find compromises we can both live with.
- I didn't want to do anything to damage her status in our community, we should keep this a secret. She agreed.
- Again, if things change at home, and I think they may a little, I want to talk about what's comfortable for both of us.
She told me she thought my shaving my legs was a phase, or a sex thing, and that it would pass. I allowed that actually, I wouldn't be sorry to see more of my bodily hair go away. This really bothered her. (I regret saying anything about that.)
She wished I'd given her more notice - but she knew if I'd said "hon, we need to talk about something serious later," she'd wanted to have done it right then. And I told her I wanted her to have a quiet afternoon, and a day off work the next day, so if she felt really terrible, she had some time to herself. I think she'll need that, too.
As the implications of all this sank in, I think she became angry about the situation. Not so much angry with me - I think she understands I don't really want this either, I just have it. But the idea of a more feminine me really bothers her right now. She's worried that this will affect the intimate part of our relationship, and be the beginning of the end of our relationship. I told her I worried about these things too, and that I was dedicated to trying to find a way to avoid these problems, because I loved that part of our relationship too, and felt it was extremely important.
For now I think she's just trying to absorb this and come to terms with it. This is really hard, and she has no desire to see me wearing any feminine article. She understands that I need to explore this, but she doesn't want to see it, at least not now, and possibly not ever.
I think she's very afraid that we'll reach some impasse though, where we can't reconcile our differences over this, and I'll either cave in to her, and self destruct, or it will be more than she can bear. What do we do in that case? All I could do is tell her that I wanted to avoid that too, and I'd work together with her to keep that from happening.
So for now, it's Don't Ask, Don't Tell. I told her this was fine, and a pretty normal reaction to terrible news like this. I told her NOT to feel bad about this. Maybe in time she'd change her mind, maybe not, but that I knew she needed time to process this, maybe a lot of time.
I'm quite worried that she feel isolated now. I think she needs someone to talk with besides me. I suggested a counselor or therapist. She's afraid of telling any of our local friends - that just wouldn't be smart - and she's afraid to talk with anyone in her family, lest they decide I'm a horrible person.
I know we both want things to work out, and we both want to try to work things out. But I think this is the biggest problem we've ever faced as a couple, and we may not make it. I am by no means certain of this.
Because I feel I know my wife really, really well, and wonderful, caring, honest, tolerant and accepting as she is - she wants to be married to a masculine man. I may well change into someone she may still like really well, but is unable to be married to.
I found, by the end of it, that I was wishing I was telling her I had cancer, rather than that I was transgendered. She could've talked to her friends and found more support for that. But no, I told her this, and have introduced her to the isolation I've always known. I hate that she has to go through that.
I hate this, so much.
Originally Posted by Cheryl Ann Owens
