Out

[heatherdress]

Dear Paula - This is the first time I have read any of this thread. This reads more like a journal than a site thread. It is moving. I am sorry for all the pain that is shared. I am amazed that so much has happened so quickly. I do not think there is much anyone can offer other than their best wishes for you and your loved ones. Best of luck in your journey.

[flatlander_48]

What we have to understand is that society at large puts a lot of pressure on us to conform, "suck it up and be a man" and to NOT rock the boat. These points are drilled into most of us from the very beginning. The world demands this binary view of life and many of us just don't fit very well, if at all. Nonetheless, we usually try our best to force-fit ourselves into those expectations as (in many cases) we were raised to be "good little boys".

However, things have changed a bit in recent times. We're beginning to relax a bit about the binary notion of gender. Unfortunately this comes a bit late for "men of a certain age", but I hope younger ones won't have it so bad. For us, all we can do is the best we can.

[Diversity]

I have been through what you just expressed. The only thing I can suggest which is working for me and mine, is to keep the lines of comm tunication open. Don't overdue the talking about your needs, however, as that will become an issue for her. Talk to her about your needs as you feel you need to get things off your chest, but again, do this with some 'space' in between. Definitely continue to reasure your wife that you are still the man she married. Go out of your way to do chores, and all the things you have done before. Also, make sure you continue to tell your wife how much you love her, and how much she is the number one person in your life.
Put her needs ahead of your own. Be sensitive to her wishes but do talk openly and reach compromises about things which you feel are important to you.
While you need to be true to yourself, you also need to be understanding about the emotions and sensitivities your wife is now feeling due to the shocking new news you have just delivered to her.
Again, open and honest communications are the key to your future with your wife and to your future success and understanding with one another. Good luck!
Di

[PaulaQ]

I guess you came to the thread late...

The only thing I can suggest which is working for me and mine, is to keep the lines of comm tunication open. Don't overdue the talking about your needs, however, as that will become an issue for her.

I am unable to communicate with her about anything of substance. She wants me to leave, NOW, I make preparations for that to happen, and it upsets her because she needs me to leave, but doesn't want me to leave. She tells me to leave, and then is suprised that I don't ask her for help when I'm having a panic attack. She is simply reacting. Her reactions seem almost completely random and unpredictable.

Definitely continue to reasure your wife that you are still the man she married. Go out of your way to do chores, and all the things you have done before. Also, make sure you continue to tell your wife how much you love her, and how much she is the number one person in your life.

I'm just not though - that is the problem for her.

Put her needs ahead of your own. Be sensitive to her wishes but do talk openly and reach compromises about things which you feel are important to you.
While you need to be true to yourself, you also need to be understanding about the emotions and sensitivities your wife is now feeling due to the shocking new news you have just delivered to her.

I've tried this. It failed.

Again, open and honest communications are the key to your future with your wife and to your future success and understanding with one another. Good luck!
Di

My wife and I are done. We'll be divorced in a couple of months. It took ~100 days from coming out to being told "get out now." She wants open and honest communication to see me in pain. Somehow, it matters to her that I'm miserable.

I will spend the rest of my time here, until I move as close to being emotionless as I can be. It's easier on me anyway.

[PaulaQ]

I'm moving 180 miles away, into a condo my uncle used to own. It will be 120 days from coming out to leaving home, almost certainly forever. I told my wife on the first Sunday of April, and by the first Sunday in august, I'm literally out.

I guess this is a good place to stop this narrative. It's pretty awful between me and my wife. I don't really expect it to improve, not anytime soon, possibly not ever.

There are plenty of folks here who tell me this is all my fault somehow. I dunno, I guess you can be the judge of that.

But I'm Paula, I told the truth, and this is my story. Thanks for reading it.

[Wildaboutheels]

Well, you have certainly come a long way. YOUR Intro VVV

************************************************** *****************************

Hi. I am a liar
I'm not really sure where this is all going, to be honest. I've lied to the few people who've happened on to this little fact about me, most especially myself. (Really only a couple of people have ever known.)

I don't seem to be able to lie to myself about this so much anymore - part of me really likes dressing up. What started out as trying on some panties or stockings has escalated, to the point where a week or so ago, I realized "I need breasts." Not really "gee, this stuff I'm kinda playing around with would be more fun and a better fantasy if I had some boobs." No, just the simple, rather clear thought "I need breasts." (I'll ask advice on this in another thread.)

I'm concerned that I've lied to my wife about this, but I'm not so sure I should tell her either. We've been together a long time. I think it probable that she'd take this as a betrayal - that I'd deceived her. (Most of the time I'd been deceiving myself, too.) I also am not sure it's fair - after 20 years, I think it'd be fair to argue that this changes the deal, significantly.

I do appreciate this forum, though - there seems to be a lot of good advice here, and many people who relate feelings similar to ones I've felt, at least when I'm honest enough to admit it. The profile pictures are encouraging too - you are all so lovely - I can't imagine looking so good, although part of me surely wants to. (Another part of me hates THAT part of me - if I'm to be completely honest.)

I am sorry for the melodrama there, for what should properly be just a light a fluffy "hello!" So "hello!" and thank you so much for allowing me here!

************************************************** *********************************

Even though your story is only from your POV, it is very well documented step by step, and MAY serve as a cautionary tale against the "You MUST spill the beans" crowd. Everyone's situation is different.

IF and when you transition, I hope you stick around and continue to share your story.

Conversely, if you don't, I hope you would also find the courage to share that also.

[Angela Campbell]

Somehow, though, I must be to blame. Who else is there?

Must there always be blame?

[PaulaQ]

@Wild - thanks for quoting my intro post. That brought this all full circle very nicely. Yes, I no longer believe I'm a liar. I've tried to be as honest as humanly possible here. I know other prominent forum posters disagree with that. I doubt they'll change their minds about that, and I'm tired of arguing with them, so my story will just have to stand as it is. Wasn't a very typical intro post, was it?

@Ellen - I don't blame myself anymore. I don't blame anybody. I've been told by many here that I should take responsibility for my "choices." Why anyone would choose to be a woman trapped in a man's body, I dunno. Apparently though my wife gets a pass to be as hostile as she wants - the forum heavyweights tell me it's my fault because I should've been honest with her when we married. (I hadn't dressed in years, and I didn't understand myself what was going on with me. I was in full-scale denial.) But whatever. I guess people can read my story and judge for themselves.

[flatlander_48]

There are some events that occur in life that really put us to the test. And, sometimes that's just what it feels like: a test. Often we don't see it coming, but even if we do, it is still a shock to deal with.

However, when we are confronted with these very difficult situations, we do have the choice to try to deal with them or fold the tent and move on. Those are the only choices that we are really given. PQ, the fact that you chose to move forward in spite of how difficult things got speaks volumes about how important all this was to you. Granted, there have been sacrifices along the way and perhaps more await. We just don't know. But, that's the nature of Life. We just don't know until we get there.

I don't believe for a moment that this is your fault. We can't predict how things are going to sit for us 5 or 10 years down the road. The human mind is an extraordinary device, but it can definitely hide things from our consciousness. Yes, if we knew we may have done things differently, but how would be know?

Anyway, Good Luck to you and keep moving forward.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Paula, Your story just makes me feel lucky that mine is a DA/DT for the last twenty years my wife just tolerates it
but doesn't want to see me dressed .
She once said that she just wanted it all to go away ,
I said the only way it would go away is if I take it with me when I leave we are both too old for that, just six months short of our 50th anniversary .

Paula, I wish you all the best in your future travels may you find the happiness that you so deserve .
You will always have your friends here >Orchid

ps: Maybe it is all for the best.

[PaulaQ]

I'm taking a break from packing (I leave sunday), and I'm just incredibly sad.

I asked my wife if she'd like me to present as male one last time before I go, so I could spend the evening with her. She said "Yes, I didn't know how to ask you for that." So I changed, and we watched TV together for the evening. (She is going to a friend's to spend the night after work tomorrow - she can't bear to watch me leave.)

At the end of the movie we watched, she pointed out that this was the end of our 20 year long relationship. We both started crying - we both agreed that it had been a good 20 years, and that she doesn't regret it, even though it's incredibly painful now, to separate and divorce. Neither one of us wants to part, but she can't bear me as a woman. She just can't. Hopefully with some separation and time to heal up, we'll be able to at least be friends. We both cried a lot during this conversation.

She told me she feels that she's failing me. I just told her that "we are who we are hon, it's no one's fault," and "I don't want this - I would never have chosen what I'm going through."

I'm crying now, as I write this. What a terrible situation. What'd we do to deserve this?

Out of all the storms we've weathered as a couple over 20 years, this one ended our relationship in 4 months, almost to the day.

[AmyGaleRT]

Paula, let no one say you didn't try your best. Least of all me!

But sometimes we face a no-win scenario, which is a test of our character. You've held up under that test pretty well, all things considered.

Be comforted in knowing that, when one door closes, another opens. Time to concentrate on Paula for awhile, and see what develops.

- Amy

[Kathy Smith]

Out of all the storms we've weathered as a couple over 20 years, this one ended our relationship in 4 months, almost to the day.

This is so sad, I really feel for both of you.

However, things like this (and much worse) happen. We have to face it. At least in your case the split is amicable.

Hugs ...

[PaulaQ]

However, things like this (and much worse) happen. We have to face it. At least in your case the split is amicable.

Thanks, but last night was the first night in 2 weeks she hasn't been just horrible to me. And at notime did she say "just stay longer." She's still throwing me out with 2 weeks notice too. I think when she realizes that her life is going to change, and that what the law stipulates for divorce is substantially less than what I offered, and that my prior offer is off the table, a full freak out will ensue. (I can only take so much, and she threw my offer back in my face, shouted obscenities, and is still kicking me out.)

We did say goodbye this morning, that was sad, but nice too.

[Princess Grandpa]

I have nothing to say but need to say something. In the short time I have been here and followed your thread I hoped against hope. I believe you acted with all honor and I am so sorry for what you must be feeling. For what it's worth I have deep respect for you and how you have handled this.

I strongly urge you to get a good lawyer and quickly. IMHO you have bent over backwards to try and make this work or be easier. I am glad you are not necessarily going into the divorce proceedings that way as well. You have to protect your future as much as you can.

HUG
Rita

[flatlander_48]

Sometimes we can choose the Path that we take. Other times, the Path chooses us, but there is no Why to it.

In a way, it is good that the separation is painful. If it were not, what would that say about the significance of the last 20 years?

Relationships do come and go. It is the nature of things. But, it is good to recognize their passing and mourn them. And, as the period of mourning is past, we continue living our lives as best we can. That is all we can do.

[Stevie]

I really feel for you Paula. Hopefully you both can still be friends.

[TeresaCD]

Hi Paula. Sad way to end, feeling for you..