Out

[TeresaCD]

It started out so innocently, our conversation this morning:
I felt last week was kind of a miracle, and almost too good to be true. Turns out - it was too good to be true. Two sightings was all it took.

Hang in there Paula, hang in there girl.

[PaulaQ]

After visiting with her therapist this week, my wife has decided not to fight this anymore, so I can dress femme at home again now, and she won't freak out. She's trying - this stuff is just super hard.

We're going to counseling together as a couple thursday. I'm hoping she'll go with me en femme, and then go out to lunch with me. I'm going to make sure that's comfortable for her though. I know this is all super hard, and while I need this, I have to consider her too.

We've decided to talk less about this stuff with each other. (Yay!) We've decided to not share our counseling session details with each other. (Double yay!) We're back to me moving out in 5-6 months or so. Which is fine. I need to move when I start to transition. I think that will likely be exponentially harder for her, and it isn't safe in this community to do it. I'm not looking for a bubble-like coccoon of safety - this is the real world. But my town would be hostile, and it's just dumb to try something this hard when facing significant open opposition. Plus, my wife might suffer from the townsfolk, and I will not tolerate putting her in harm's way.

This is a pretty crazy story huh?

edit: I forgot to mention - we're sending my wife away for a 3 days at a spa this weekend. She originally suggested that we both go, and I'd love this - but I pointed out to her "Hey, hon, look - I am mostly what is causing you stress, so why don't you go alone, unwind, relax, think about this stuff, or NOT THINK ABOUT IT AT ALL - whatever you need. Just go alone, go somewhere nice, and I'll stay here." She leaped at that, and is counting down the hours.

[TeresaCD]

This is a pretty crazy story huh?
.

Na, not at all. It's a real privilege to be a part of it ..

[PaulaQ]

My wife and I went to her therapist today together for the first time. I was dressed, and we had a pretty good session, mostly talking about the stuff that happened between us this weekend. We agreed to let me dress at home as much as I need - I'll probably be dressed 80-90% of the time. (Sometimes I have to present as male, at least until I move.) We went out for a nice lunch together afterwards - this was the first time we'd really been out in public together. (The therapist almost doesn't count - his office is very private.)

I'm REALLY comfortable out in public while presenting as a female. I love it, honestly, and can't wait to go 24/7. I know everyone thinks this, and usually they are wrong, but I think I pass some of the time. Kind of surprises me, to be honest.

[Kathy Smith]

As you may have noticed, Paula, I'm not in the US (and I've never been there). I've no idea how things work out in a small town like yours. I am a bit puzzled though.

You insist that the town in general would be hostile to you should you transition. Are you absolutely sure of this? I would have imagined that the malicious tongues are going to wag anyway, either about your transition or about your leaving. Either way it wouldn't be pleasant for your wife and family. At least, if you stay, you'll know what is being said and why and, just maybe, you would be able to do something about it. They won't have the need or opportunity to make up outright lies about your leaving the family home. Wouldn't things calm down after the initial furore?

[PaulaQ]

You insist that the town in general would be hostile to you should you transition. Are you absolutely sure of this? I would have imagined that the malicious tongues are going to wag anyway, either about your transition or about your leaving. They won't have the need or opportunity to make up outright lies about your leaving the family home. Wouldn't things calm down after the initial furore?

Yes, I am absolutely sure of this. This community is mostly older people, and it is conservative, and most of the people are fundamentalists. Religion is very important here. There is also a very good measure of poverty, which breeds a certain amount of intolerance as well. This is a nasty combination. Gossip here is a full-contact sport. My wife sells real estate. She could very well be shunned and lose business - lots of business - because of me. Gay people in this community (and I know four of them) are barely tolerated, and they need to be very stealthy - it needs to be plausible that they are just "two really close friends." (Nobody really believes that - but it's important to be able to pretend that.) Despite this, they still get a fair amount of grief and some people simply will NOT deal with them.

There is a reasonable probability that I could face physical violence here. Certainly I'd face a lot of social hostility. I'd also cause a lot of shame for a number of my friends here.

This is one of the worst places in the continental US to transition. I've been told of a couple of trans people from here - they left.

The nearest support for someone with trans issues is 50 miles away, as is the nearest hospital I'd trust to see me should something go wrong when I start HRT.

I've talked to a LOT of people - NOBODY thinks it would be a good idea for me to stay here. I also don't really believe my wife is going to handle watching me transition anyway.

[Kathy Smith]

Thanks Paula. This is background info that I simply didn't know! I suspect that, if I were to transition (almost certainly not!), then the reaction round here would be "OK. So?" followed by "Have you had the - you know - operation?"! I'd probably get a few odd looks too. It puts us at opposite ends of the scale in that respect.

I really hope that this works out for you. It looks as if you have a really uphill struggle, but it's things like that that we need sometimes - just to prove to ourselves that we are _alive_!

Take care...

[CherylFlint]

I showed this to my wife who said "What's the big deal, you're still you".
You see my wife has known since our first date that I was a CD and has as much fun with Cheryl as I.
She has a husband AND a best girl friend who loves to shop as much as she.
You're wife maybe ought to ligten-up, so says my wife.

[flatlander_48]

Gay people in this community (and I know four of them) are barely tolerated, and they need to be very stealthy - it needs to be plausible that they are just "two really close friends." (Nobody really believes that - but it's important to be able to pretend that.)

This is really a weird phenomenon. I call it the Liberace Syndrome:

Everybody Knows, But Nobody Talks...

[renaej7]

You did the right thing. Things will work themselves out. I know they will. I think we all battle with whether the wife would find someone for masculine but love always prevail.

[PaulaQ]

OK, some updates since it's been a while. I came out to my mom and her husband over the weekend. That went really, really well. She remembered my struggles with this stuff growing up, and so being trans made sense to her. She is sad about my marriage, and feels bad for my wife, but she supports me, and realized I wouldn't announce something like this unless I was really serious. Her husband is a psychologist, so he is open minded, and could appreciate how hard it was for me to come to terms with being trans. anyway both were totally supportive.

This weekend is about coming out to my kids. They are 25 & 26. I'm hoping my wife will be able to kind of keep it together when we tell them. I think this will be hard for them.

[AmyGaleRT]

Paula, I'm happy you're making steps forward. I hope it will be OK with your kids, and that they're open-minded enough to accept you.

- Amy

[PaulaQ]

I think my kids will come around. They are open minded. I'm anticipating they may have trouble at first. Maybe not - but they are at a tough age for this.

Heh, looking back over this thread, I've really gone fast. The epic outbreak of GD I've been dealing with hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm feeling much better now (I don't wear men's clothes much anymore, and my meds are kicking in finally), but I also know I'm on borrowed time. Antidepressants aren't going to keep this stuff at bay forever.

[PaulaQ]

Oh, I did have one incident with my wife to relate. I went to a party held by one of my trans friends on friday. I WAAAY overdressed - good flip flops would've been overdressed - but I wore a LBD with sequins, lots o'makeup, hose, jewelry, and heels. I had fun dressing up - I don't usually do that. My wife saw me, and was furious "what would YOU think if I left the house without you dressed like that?!?!" I wasn't quite sure how to interpret her comments. Also - wish she'd learn something. It's not like anyone at the party could actually DO anything...

I'm not sure if she thought I looked too good, or too bad, or what. I'd assume not silly, since she didn't laugh. I'd ask her what she thought - but discretion is the better part of valor, sometimes...

[PaulaQ]

I came out to my kids as trans this weekend. First question from my step son wasn't about me - it was 'what happens to your marriage'. My wife and I were together as we told them about this - but we had to be honest and tell them that our marriage would end soon, although we intended to stay friends and I'd visit frequently. The kids were much more upset about the marriage than me, to be honest. My son didn't say much - he was worried, I found out later, that I'd have surgery imminently. We disabused him of that notion. My step-son and his fiancé were very accepting, and in fact met me as Paula the next day. I don't appear to be losing my kids over this, which is great.

The visit was tough for my wife though - two days of me presenting as male was nice for her. But when I met my step-son and his fiance as female, that was hard for her.

We were talking this over tonight, my wife and I. She hasn't been doing well since the weekend. I'll be moving out as soon as I can get a place and get settled, hopefully within a month. We'll be divorced within the next 2-3 months, we'll likely start the proceedings about 4 months to the day that I came out to her.

I guess I'll keep up this thread until we file for divorce. There doesn't seem to be much point in carrying on after that. I'll literally be out of our house, and out of her life, I'm suspecting for a while. I think she won't want to see me much while I transition. Maybe she'll never want to see me again.

I'm hoping we'll remain friends, and that I can still visit sometimes - I want that for myself, and for our kids, and future grandkids. But we'll see how that goes. After talking to her tonight, I'm not so sure. This is hard for her, and I've offered to make this as easy for her as I can. Trouble is - I'm the problem. So it seems like the best solution is just for me to be gone.

[PaulaQ]

Everything I try to do seems to hurt my wife. I presented as male and BBQ'd some chicken for dinner. While waiting for dinner, my wife stressed how anxious she was for me to leave. That was a drag, but I tried to be positive and understanding.

Later, she was a little tipsy, and wanted to fool around. We did, and she wept afterwards.

Tonight, after she got home, she couldn't stand to talk to me while I presented female, so she went upstairs. I changed back to drab, so I could talk to her, but that just made her feel guilty and cry.

This is just terrible.

[AmyGaleRT]

Sigh...it's almost tragic, Paula. It's as neat a cleft stick as ever caught man/woman and woman. You still love each other, but she can't bear you as a woman, and you can't bear yourself as a man.

You do an extremely good job of conveying the raw emotion of the process, though. Big hugs for you and a belief that there will be brighter days ahead!

- Amy

[PaulaQ]

Thanks Amy.

I think I'll just put on my big girl panties and present as male for the next three days until she leaves for vacation. I'll have to find a phone booth to change in for my makeup apointment after I take her to the airport. That kinda sucks, but it'll be easier on her.

[TeresaCD]

It will go painfully slow, I'm sure.
But it is 3 days, not 30.
Thank goodness

[PaulaQ]

Well, my wife got back from vacation, and has been home for 3 days now. I've been presenting as female the whole time she's been back. (Presenting as male sometimes / female other times is too upsetting to her, and I can't hack being male the whole time.)

So we're sitting on the couch, and she tells me she can't take this anymore, and I need to leave - the sooner the better. I'd planned to leave in 1 month, but that's too long for her to take. I've got a couple of weeks, maybe.

Honestly, I'm not sure if she'll make it a couple of weeks. I may have to pack what I can, schedule a mover to come after I move out, and take the minimal stuff I need and move into my condo, sleeping on the floor until my furniture arrives a week later. Or maybe I just rent a u-haul, move out with my small stuff, leave my furniture here, and buy a desk, chair, sofa, TV and bed for my condo.

I'm quite sad it's come to this. The funny thing is, I don't know if she'd feel better, or worse if I totally melted down in front of her.

Anyway, not sure what else there'll be to say about this thread. I came out to my wife on April 6, and I should be out of here by Aug 3, if not sooner. What else is there really to say about it all?

[arbon]

I'm sorry Paula

This stuff gets real, and it hurts and it sucks.

you've gone through a lot in a short time

now you focus on making you life work as a woman.

[Princess Grandpa]

I just finished reading your story from beginning to current. Sitting here with tears streaming down my face, I am in awe at your strength. I hope you find peace in your new life as Paula. Unless I'm mistaken you feel to blame in all this. I want you to understand you are not some villain. You my dear have acted with great honor.

I can never offer meaningful advice I fear. All I can do is offer my support, respect and love. If you ever need an ear, or a shoulder, pls feel free to message me or something.

Hug
Rita

[PaulaQ]

I woke up at 8AM after going to bed at 5AM (stayed up packing). I was having a full panic attack. I had nightmares all night. I was pleasantly surprised that I could walk downstairs and get a xanax. Slept until 2PM. My wife doesn't understand why I didn't wake her and ask for help. I don't even know how to communicate with her anymore. I am not allowing myself to feel very much. That will come later.

@Arbon - thanks hon. Yep, time to focus on my changes, and yes, shit's gotten real here.
@Rita - thanks hon, I appreciate your support.

[flatlander_48]

The process here is not that different from the passing of a sick relative or close friend. Intellectually we know what is coming, but when it actually happens, it takes us a bit by surprise. You know what needs to be done and the only thing left to do is just do it. Unfortunately that doesn't make it any easier.

I would hope that eventually all parties involved would have some closure around what the situation will be. Until that happens, I would guess it will feel like unfinished business.

Take Care.

[PaulaQ]

Thanks flatlander. I had hoped for enough time to prepare things for her too, but that isn't going to happen. She still wants me to sleep in the same room as her. It is pretty confusing, because she also wants me out. I won't have much time to plan anything. Par for the course.

I know many here feel this is all my fault. Do I wish I'd figured this out at 20? Sure. Since I did not, I am , apparently a horrible and deceitful person. Once I did understand, I feel I've been honest, but judge for yourself from my thread.

I am not sure what I ever did, I was born into terrible suffering, and I have suffered my entire life. I think my lot is to suffer. It is unimaginable to me that it will ever end. Somehow, though, I must be to blame. Who else is there?