So I have a very good girl friend who I want to come out to. She is very understanding. I believe she would not judge and would probably take me shopping if she knew. We have been friends for a while. My problem is that my SO found my texts to her. Nothing vulgar or even sexual in nature. My SO wants me to stop talking to her. I want very much to come out to my friend but now I'm being forced to break contact with her. What do I do?
Kisses,
Rebecca
This is the delema that most of us face at one time or another. Come clean vs. stay in the closet. Most on this site will advise you to be honest... I say that's great if you can guarentee me the outcome is going to be okay. However, some stories like this end in tradegy when the SO goes balistic and hits you with the D word and you're out on your butt with nowhere to go and nowhere to stay...
If you can guarentee me that who ever I come out to won't tell my co-workers, boss or blab about it to a bazillion others, great. However, remember the only way to keep a secret is to not tell anyone.
On the textin' hey I text both male and females all the time. The SO doesn't care. I keep the chat 'coded' and no one every knows....
Not sure this is much help....
Renne.....
You didn't say, but does your wife know about your dressing? Regardless, sounds like shes threatened. Are you willing to risk her trust in you by continuing?
My wife does not know. I'm still trying to gauge how she would take it. I'm not willing to give up her trust but I want to try and help her understand that she is just a friend. As for telling a bunch of people about my dressing I don't think my friend would, but you never know. I just want to come out to someone close. I want someone that knows me to look at me in both boy mode and understand my girl mode too. Plus, until I do tell my wife I want someone to chat to about clothes and shopping. I have became big into salons and personal hygiene ie; shaving, nails, pedis, and manicures. I feel very alone with this right now and I just want someone who can understand me. I am very happy I found this forum. I count my blessings I found girls who do understand me. It kinda makes me teary thinking that you all are so understanding and supportive.
Kisses,
Rebecca
If you have an SO then the answer is simple; no-one is more important than that person.
Drop the other "friendship".
It can only lead to hassles you neither want nor need.
Believe me! Been there and done that.
Never mind the coming out to the friend, what is this "I'm being forced to break contact with her" stuff? Is there some aspect you didn't mention? While I think it is somewhat improper to tell the friend before the SO, Her telling you to break off a friendship? Uh uh, not acceptable. If she has some reason to doubt your fidelity, that's one thing, if she doubts it without reason or evidence that's something you two have to discuss, but just break it off because of what might happen? Are you two married? If not, I'd be telling her no, deal with it, or leave.
Of course if there is something else you forgot to mention? Or have I got hold of the wrong end of the stick?
"Normal is what you get when you average out the weirdness that everybody has." Quote from my SO
Normal is a setting on a washing machine, or another word for average.
The fact that I wear a skirt as a male should not be taken as a comment on what you do, or do not wear, or how you wear it.
Hi,Rebecca.If you want to be fair to everyone involved,try this.Look inside yourself and ask yourself,if she had a particularly close male friend who she kept in close contact with and confided in,even though you knew there was no romantic or sexual side to it,would it bother you?Only you can answer that.I'm just saying try to see it from her point of view.If you love your SO and want things to work out with her,you may want to respect her wishes in this case,even if it seems unreasonable.Barbara
Sounds like your wife might be jealous of you texting another woman. Does you wife know your friend? Anyway, how do think your wife will feel if she finds out you've shared your most intimate secret with another woman before you shared it with her? I know there are potentially serious consequences if your wife hates the CDing but personally, I would never tell another woman, even if she was my best friend, a personal secret about me that my wife didn't know. In my world, my wife is the person that is always closer than anyone else is and so she would (in my world) be told first. It's your call, but that's my 2 cents.
.
The River City Gems - Northern California's largest and most active crossdressing & transgender support group!
She is the most important person in my life. She is the one I need to tell first. I'm just afraid that my situation may turn out very badly. I would be concerned if she was confiding in another man. You are all right. I need to tell her. I guess I need to get down to seriously evaluating how she is going to take it. Stronger hints. Alright, no more girl friend stuff. My wife is too important. I'm willing to sacrifice a friendship for my real best friend, my wife. Ok....um...anymore advice on what kind of hints I should drop to gauge her feelings. She has a real naughty lingerie collection. Ill play one night with her and put some on. If she freaks I know she is not ready, ha ha.
Kisses,
Rebecca
This is one of the reasons for telling potential spouses long before the wedding. Tell her before too long has past, it is a matter of respect for her. The "friend" can wait, tell her second or even third, just not first.
This is one of the commonest subjects on this forum so there is plenty to read and understand you are not the first to deal with this scenario so read as much as you can because there is a great deal of experience around this subject.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. Mark Twain
wife first and foremost in your life.
just let the friend know you have to curtail for now as the wife is upset you talking to another woman.
and talk to the wife let her know that she is the only woman in your life..at some point you are going to have to let the wife know about your interests.
as to when better sooner than latter.
but that is my thing
my wife could not handle it.
.
I honestly think that you should not be "dropping hints", rather sit her down and talk to her. She deserves your honesty.
Love Ya, Tracy
"Like the sky opens after a rainy day we must open to ourselves.... Learn to love yourself for who you are and open so the world can see you shine." ~James Poland
Do not be texting another woman no matter how innocent you think it is don't do it.Plus we don't know what relationship you have with the other woman.
IMO your wife has her doubts right now and thats not good for you.Trust may already be gone at this point.
Cut the GF right now is my suggestion or she may feel its right to give you a dose of your own medicine.
I went thru this with my two ex wives "Oh he is just a friend" turned out both ex's were nailing the guys in my home in my bed while I was out on the road working.
I went off like Howitzer on both of the BF's and they both hope they never see me again.
Once the trust is gone you are in deep kimchee.
I would say if you want your SO to stay your SO you stop texting the other woman....but that is just my thought. I try really hard to not sneak around behind the person I am dating's back. Neat concept huh?Originally Posted by Rebecca11
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Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
The other girl is out. That's for sure. You all are right. Now I need to gain my wife's trust back. Ill stop dropping hints and just sit down and think out what I'm going to say when I do tell my wife about my interests.
Kisses,
Rebecca
I would temper the temptation and pander to your wife's wishes for now.
Later on you may introduce her as a friend, but it appears insidious if you carry on two separate relationships.
No matter how innocent they may seem.
You share secrets with one person only.
I would try your wife in the first instance.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
Being married and having a friend who is a woman will not mix well for most. If the friend is a friend of both of you and all communication is in the open with full knowlege of your spouse it is one thing but to have a relationship = even a platonic one- is a bad idea. Your SO will have a problem with that and it will not be good. Don't text her, don't call her and certainly do not see her without the SO being part of it.
All I ever wanted was to be a girl. Is that really asking too much?
Hi Rebecca, It sure sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place and
the rock is about kick your @$$ you know what you have to do now.
Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......
I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !
If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.
Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!
Rebecca, We have a quorum of agreement. There have been numerous threads here about how to tell SO's and wives. If you're shaving and getting manicures and pedicures, she may already have a clue, or at least questions. Perhaps that is the place to start?
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Proud member of the Lacey Leigh Fan Club
the problem here was a failure to be open about it with your SO. If I were her, I'd question the nature of your relationship with this "other woman".
The votes are in - other "friend" is out.
As for hints.... forget the games. The wife deserves better. Treat her the way you would want to be treated. Be up front and honest. Suck it up. Sit down with her. Give her information for her to process and an outlet to share with other Gg's (this site). Without you giving her information she will look for answers elsewhere and find the wrong or perverse info abounding the web. Without other Gg's to talk with, she will feel trapped.
Come out to your wife first, if you come out to your friend first and the wife finds out, you are dead meat.
Like everyone else is saying, I also recommend coming out to your wife first. Perhaps later you can explain the text messages to your friend and maybe pick that up again in the future.
You are prepared to share with another woman, your deepest, most vulnerable secret before you even tell your wife. Don't do it. If your wife is angry just seeing you text another woman, think of how furious she will be when she finds out that you prefer to share an intimate part of who you are with someone who is not your wife.
I know the draw, BTW. I know that you want to have fun girly times with a BFF and it seems easier to tell a person that you don't live with than your wife.
So, here is what you do: Tell your wife and not the BFF. Go through the steps you need to go through to ease your wife into this. Hopefully she will be accepting and in a few years (or sooner), she and you can begin to do girly stuff together. In the meantime, introduce your wife to all of your friends, including the BFF. Hopefully your wife will get along with the BFF and they will become friends. And once all of this has happened (your wife is accepting and the BFF is also her friend), THEN you can share this with your BFF. BUT, always be sure to invite your wife along if you and the BFF plan on doing fun girly stuff together.
Reine
I'll be the one that plays the other side of the coin. All my friends are women. My wife knows about them, has met some, knows I go out for coffee every morning, to lunch, shopping with them. What right would she have to tell me to drop a friendship due to them being female? Doesn't your wife have male friends? The CDing is another matter. The OT was about friendship. Jeolousy is an entirely self induced emotion. Tell her to grow up.-JMHO-Celeste
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