To date, and throughout my "journey," I have been honest with my wife every step of the way. I have kept her informed about what I am doing, why I am doing it, who I am, and what I believe I need to do.
I have been on HRT coming up on four months now. My wife even met with my gender therapist one on one for a number of hours prior to me receiving my letter.
Our relationship, in fact, since I made the decision to pursue HRT, has become the best it has been in a long time. Prior to this decision, I had been depressed, irritable, and suffering from the pain of dysphoria. I was miserable to be around. I couldn't sleep. I was disengaged. I had no energy. I was not productive. I hated myself. And I cared about little about anything.
All of that, however, began to turn around when I made the affirmative decision for myself to seek out HRT. Even better, my wife was on board. We discussed it at length and in great detail. I thought she understood. We both agreed that we want to make our marriage work. Not only for ourselves, but for our eight year old daughter, as well. And our relationship improved dramatically as a result.
Fast forward to today, a few months after my breasts began to develop and grow, of which my wife is also aware of.
Earlier this evening, I mentioned to her that I wanted to have a consultation with a local electrologist to discuss the possibility, cost, and time of beginning electrolysis on my face. Of course, having done my research in advance, I have a pretty good idea of what to expect, but none of that is relevant here.
What is relevant was my wife's reaction. She took the offensive, and asked why I would do that. She stated "where is this all going?" several times.
She also said that if either of us are going to have electrolysis, it would be her, because she "is a real woman," and I am "a man." She referred to herself as a "real woman," and me as "a man," completely and intentionally at my expense several times.
Then she concluded by saying that she "lets" me buy women's clothing without complaint, and "lets" my go out occasionally dressed, and that I should be happy with that.
I don't know. All of this sucks. It really hurt my feelings. She does not see me as a woman. Of course, I get that she thought she thought she had married a man, but it appears that she just views me as some type of glorified crossdresser, and that I can just turn it on and off at will, and be happy with some clothes, some small boobs, and the occasional sojourn out into public.
I mean, she asked repeatedly, "where is this all going??!" Well, where the **** do you THINK it is going???!! Did she not listen to the therapist at all? I have given her books, and other resources to read. She hasn't read any of them. I suppose she is in her own form of denial. I guess I can't blame her for that. But where does that leave me? Where does that leave our family? What does it mean to the progress I need to continue to make.
I'm already about to fall apart at the seams. I have too much pressure on me as it is. I have seriously sick family members I have to be strong for and visit as often as possible. I am the primary caretaker of our daughter. I take care of most of the household stuff. I am barely performing at work. I feel alone and isolated. And this doesn't help. Not one bit. She said no, that shaving my face should be enough, because that's what men do.
Sigh. It's all too much. Especially when my wife takes the position that she is the only "real woman" in the family, and that, at the end of the day, I am just nothing but a mere, stupid, disillusioned "man" who she thinks should be fine living in fantasy land with the few concessions she has offered me.
:-(