Seriously Questioning

[CaptLex]

In the twelve months since I voluntarily stopped taking female hormones that were helping to keep my PCOS (poly-cystic ovary symdrome) under control, I've undergone a roller coaster ride of physical sensations, strong emotions and vast confusion. After decades of thinking I knew what I was and what I wanted, I have come full circle to that scared and confused little boy that I remember from so long ago and thought I had put behind me for good.

In the last year I have progressed from an asexual genetic female to a straight female crossdresser (whose engine has started racing again) to a transgendered/bi-gendered FtM who keeps trying to assess how much is male and how much is female (and finds that this changes constantly). Now that journey has led me to yet another discovery - one that has me slapping my head ("doh") and wondering how I could have been so blind for so long.

I had a hard time saying the word transsexual the other day. I didn't want to say it 'cause I felt that once I opened that door it would remain open and I would have no choice but to walk through it. I tried telling my best friend (who has been on this journey with me) and the words got caught in my throat. He didn't press me to say it. Instead he asked me roundabout questions in order to confirm my feelings. It worked. The words found their way out of my mouth and I felt tremendous relief.

What now? The door is open. The road stands before me, almost beckoning. I can't believe how much has changed in just a year, and I can't help but wonder what life will be like another year from now. I have a lot of thinking to do. How much do I want to change my whole life? I do and I don't. I don't know. I've been agonizing about this for several days (and sleepless nights).

I feel very fortunate to have found this site when I did (thanks Abraxas) because it has been a much-needed source of information and support. I know from reading this part of the forum that most (if not all) of you are MtF and not FtM, like me, but I feel that we're on the opposite sides of the same coin and so I would appreciate any advice from those who can relate, have gone further down the road and can tell me what's ahead. Thanks.

[Kim E]

Hi Lex ~
Wow, you have come a long way in the last year. I'm happy for you, that you have come to terms with your inner self and have taken that huge step of self acceptance. It sometimes can take a lifetime to get to that point. Speaking for myself, it sure is a tough step.

I've always thought of being TS or transitioning as being on an actual literal trek. It starts out with a lot of prep and planning, it has a lot of high and low spots, its a long and sometimes tiring trip, wrought with pitfalls and problems. Then you reach a fork in the trail. Each of us has to decide which path to follow. Do we go left and keep the status quo or do we go right and continue transitioning. Or do we take some time and sit at the fork doing more prep and planning for what lies ahead. Sometimes a needed rest and a relief from our self imposed pressures can allow us to think more clearly on what we truly want and need.

I hope this makes some sense, Lex. I understand what you are saying and I support you, on whatever choices you decide to make. Sometimes the choices we make over time with a lot of thought and planning, tend to be the better ones, as least from my experience.

Hugs ~ Kim

[Sarah Smile]

Hi, Lex

I think I understand where you are coming from, as I am going through something similar, though in the other direction.

For most of my 32 years on this Earth, I have identified as a straight genetic male who was simply not into "all that macho stuff". Most of my true feelings and desires, it turns out, were deeply buried. My inner revelations started very gradually with an interest in pantyhose when I was about 10 and I have worn them frequently ever since. Until the last few years, though, I'd never thought as myself as a crossdresser, just a guy who liked wearing pantyhose. In the last year or two, I have slowly come to realize that I have never been comfortable with male roles or being male in any way. The signs were there all along, I realize now, if I had only known where to look. I have gone to dressing as often as I can in what I'd call "feminine drab" and expressing my feminine traits, interests and feelings in public as much as I can.

As liberating as I've found this, I've realized in the last couple months that this may not be enough to make me happy. I recently admitted to myself that I am transgendered and am presently considering whether I should transition. It all seems very daunting and scary and I don't know what to do. I can't afford counselling at present so I feel like I'm in limbo at the moment.

I know I do not have any advice to offer you, as I am in about the same position you are, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

[tiffiany]

Im not sure how much help I can be as my situation is diferent from yours. Whatever you decide to do is up to you, we can offer advice, but in the end its you that has to make the decision. If you havent done so, I would suggest reading some of the articles on http://transsexual.org/index.html.
Reading the articles has helped me to come to terms with who I really am, maybe it can for you.

[CaptLex]

Wow, what a relief to hear from others who understand.

Kim, everything you said makes perfect sense to me. I also feel that I'm on a journey and have already come to some of those forks in the road you described. My best friend has told me some of the same things you did. He advised me to take it slow and not make any decisions until I get more information and feel sure about things. He thinks I'm in a rush to get to a definitive answer and should just slow down and give things time to settle and sink in. I suppose it makes sense to learn to walk before I can run.

Amber Dawn and Tiffiany, thanks also for sharing your experiences, outlook and information with me. It's such a relief to know that there are others on the same road - some further ahead, but still on the same road.

Someone once said, "it's the trip, not the destination." I suppose that means I should slow down and take the time to check out the scenery and worry about getting there when (and if) I get there. Thanks so much, ladies.

[Maria D]

Hi Lex.

PCOS can be so awful, I hope it doesn't cause you any pain

You sound really mixed up, I wish I had the answers you need. All I can really suggest is to not put yourself in a category, and just 'be' who you are, rather than worrying about 'what' you are. Easier said than done though, sadly.

As to wanting to change your life, tell me about it! I wish so wholeheartedly that I didn't have to transition, but, after questioning myself for so many years, I knew I had to. Had to, not wanted to. It's a very personal thing, with every person deciding what's best for them, or those they care about, at their different times. Don't feel you have to 'go one way', and never feel rushed. Ask yourself what you want, what you need, what you can live with, and what you can't, and do your best to make yourself happy, whatever that is.

Take care,
Maria
xxx

[CaptLex]

Hi Lex.

PCOS can be so awful, I hope it doesn't cause you any pain

Actually, the pain has been horrible since I stopped taking the female hormones I was on for so long, but I'm bearing it with the help of my friend, Advil. This is one of the reasons my doctor wants me to resume the hormones, but I refuse (although I haven't told her why).

It's a very personal thing, with every person deciding what's best for them, or those they care about, at their different times. Don't feel you have to 'go one way', and never feel rushed. Ask yourself what you want, what you need, what you can live with, and what you can't, and do your best to make yourself happy, whatever that is.

Take care,
Maria
xxx

Thank you for your kind words - they mean a lot to me, and your advice I have already taken to heart.