I second that. I will make that my mantra for the next month. "If you can't stand against the wind on your own, then you will most certainly get blown away". Ha
I second that. I will make that my mantra for the next month. "If you can't stand against the wind on your own, then you will most certainly get blown away". Ha
"When failure is off the table the only thing left is to negotiate levels of success" M Hobbes
"Never Let your Fear Decide Your Fate" Awolnation
"A new dawn destroys the tranquility of the darkness" Steph W
Again, no trannycred here but I'd say that someone may need to be made stronger (confidence, self esteem, ect) rather than write them off as a confused/broken man.
Either they stop short of transition as intended and find a balance, or they gain the strength they need to continue.
Originally Posted by Badtranny
I was so hurting, frustrated and scared at times - if I had not had a few friends that were holding me up and supporting me on this journey when it was really hard, I don't know. I'm glad they were there.
Reading this emotional chat.... you and i here will not solve this...
Let the court system work through a complex problem.
In the end, nobody will be happy at all.
[SIZE="3"]Amy[/SIZE]
I think I qualified my comment to " guidance as to when and under what circumstances one should transition" not about how to transition when you have run out of options.....but i will push back on the idea that people here cannot provide guidance...
The how is an entirely different matter.
For a whole variety of reasons I find this an interesting metaphor and statement.If you can't stand against the wind on your own, then you will most certainly get blown away.
"Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)
Friends are great, but if you must depend on the strength of others, then you are in trouble before you start. I have wonderful friends who have been great company, but I don't NEED them anymore than I need acceptance from the 'community'. It's nice to have someone to help anchor you, but people have their own lives, and you cannot count on the support of someone else to get you through this journey. You need to be strong enough to do it yourself, and hopefully you wont have to.
Melissa you came here..
didnt you have to learn that you didn't NEED others for approval?.....and you got guidance and advice on how to do that from many sources...perhaps this forum was one source..
..i know i had to learn this, and i know i learned things here that helped me alot...the simple fact that i came here at all, and typed words to people under this name was huge progress for me..
nobody told me what do, but it sure as heck helped me to write and correspond, and i got tons of advice...
part of it is semantics...guidance/advice/approval are being used as if they were one word
...i don't imagine anyone thinks its a good idea to come here and say "should i transition?"...VOTE HERE....
so i have been talking about advice and guidance as having nothing to do with actually approving anything....
btw
Despite being unneccessary, I would not undersell the benefits of getting some approval...
Yes and I found a lot of good information. I didn't NEED this place though, I would have found what I needed to find somewhere if not here. If people in my life aren't being supportive, then I move on. I couldn't deal with my issues openly where I used to live, so I moved. I found new friends, in short, I helped myself.
When I decided to pursue my truth, I was steadfast and ready to weather it. I have no family anywhere near me, I have only my wits and my will to survive. It's my earned opinion that anybody who NEEDS sustained emotional support is in no condition to attempt something as potentially catastrophic as a gender transition. I want friends, but I don't need them. I want the support of my community but I certainly don't need it.
Perhaps I'm emotionally broken? Perhaps that's why a life alone is preferable to a life in hiding? Who knows? I have a magazine rack full of issues but at least I'm happy with who I am. It's tough to deal with some stuff transition throws at you, but I can take it, and I can find a way to be happy and I don't NEED anyone's approval or support.
You ever notice that support and approval tends to come at a price? I prefer not to be tethered to the expectations of others. I believe this is the spirit that transition requires.
Of course I could be wrong. It's happened. ;-)
It seems you just have an honest, tough, thick-skinned personality though.
Some are just not as strong emotionally, but IMO they can be supported and built-up rather than having them break down and giving up.
I don't think you are wrong, but I also don't think you are right either. I have always preferred to build networks of support systems in which everyone supports everyone. I did so in preparation for my transition. Having such networks in place of people not of the "trans" community is enormously helpful. It lends credence to your path, it normalizes what you are doing. This is not at all a transition issue though but rather a human issue. For me the lone, self reliant wolf paradigm never worked. But a lattice work of delicate support structures often show a surprising strength. I like relying on others and others relying on me. It gives a richness to my life.
Last edited by Kathryn Martin; 04-22-2013 at 08:36 PM.
"Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)
I don't believe that toughness and support are mutually-exclusive any more than I do courage and fear.
Lea
I agree a lot with you, but were not all the same, we are not all as independent and tough. I learned I was stronger then I knew I could be. I had to take the brunt, this was my deal, I made the choice to transsitoin, I choose to start hrt and I knew there were significant consequences not only for myself but for my family to for what I was doing. Everyday I was the one alone going out that door to face my job and the guys and facing the community - nobody could do it for me. And what ever shit I was getting (and I got my fair share, especially at work) I had to show confidence, that this was real, it was something I had to do. Could not show weakness in what I was doing. But when the day was over there were a lot of times I had to have someone that would just let me cry, or vent, and that would tell me that it is going to be alright you can get through it. Giving me some hope when I was pretty short on it. I needed that so I could manage to I pull myself together enough to face it again the next day.
...and you found it, but you faced the next day alone. Everybody needs help on occasion, but depending too much on any one person is never a good strategy in my view. It's best to be fortified on your own so you have something worth sharing as like minded souls drift in and out of your life.
Don't misunderstand me, I'm not a lone wolf. I love my friends, but they just are not burdened with my transition. If any of them express discomfort, they are free to go and I will ask someone else to watch my dog.
My point is, you can't go down this path NEEDING help and support. You can always USE it, but if you need it in order to continue, then you have a problem. There will be plenty of times when you will only have yourself to rely on. People will misunderstand you, they will disagree with you, they will disrespect you, they will hate you, and at the end of many days, it will be just you.
People who de-transition are lacking the most fundamental component of survival; The will to stand alone.
I didn't want to get involved in this sub-debate of Kathryn's thread, but I am struck by Melissa's attitude as evidenced in her last statement above.
Members of these forums often say "Don't judge me until you have walked a mile in my shoes" and they are right. Anyone who has not experienced anything of what we are living has no right to judge. That is equally applicable to one of ours who for any of a variety of reasons find themselves so desperate that they are willing to consider de-transition. Unless we have been there, we cannot even imagine what drove them to such a state of hopelessness. Why is it at this point in their lives that we feel that what they need is harsh judgement instead of compassion?
Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.
This above all: To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any
Galileo said "You cannot teach a man anything" and they accuse ME of being sexist
Never ascribe to malice that which can be easily explained by sheer stupidity
With the freedom to choose the path of transition comes the responsibility to make sure that the path is truly the correct one. While medical professionals may assist one in making the decision and carrying it out the ultimate responsibility lies with the person receiving the treatment.
Any other arrangement would have those medical professionals refusing to treat GID for fear of being sued by those whose outcomes did not match their inflated expectations. I do not want to see the options of TG people limited by a small minority wanting to blame others and cash in on their own "buyers remorse."
Eryn
"These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
"What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
"She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
"Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]
...and this is at the heart of what I'm saying. To say that I don't have compassion just proves that some people are so emotionally ill prepared for adversity that simply encountering someone with a strong will, is offensive to them.
Rianna, why would someone de-transition if they weren't struggling with the process? I applaud and support anybody who does anything that advances them into living an open and unashamed life, be that transition or otherwise. I'm only here to remind people that transition is a commitment that is not to be taken lightly. It's like changing your brake pads, if you don't have the tools, then don't even start.
Although I am at the very beginning, I have to wonder how you can do it without some help and support. Yes you need to be able to stand alone but at times I would think it is necessary. No person is an island. I guess the medical community thinks you will need help and support or they wouldn't require the letter to go forward.
Then again harsh judgment is also necessary as it can bring a dose of reality.
Last edited by Angela Campbell; 04-23-2013 at 04:53 AM.
All I ever wanted was to be a girl. Is that really asking too much?
Those that end up detransitioning need much compassion. It is after all the the crushing of a dream. The compassion needed for this person cannot come from an internet site.
At the same time the phenomenon bears scrutiny and the reasons for such a failure must be considered and in my view before you transition in the first place. To use your metaphor don't walk the rocky road in ballerina slippers. If you asked me to do that I would tell you that walking that path in those shoes borders variously on idiocy or lack of responsibility. It is predictable that you will fail because your slippers will be in shreds before you even walked a mile.
"Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)
now i see where you are going...
i very much like your point about not burdening people with your transition...that is EXACTLY how i felt, it was hugely important to me...having a family meant that i had to burden them, but i gave them time and i supported them in every way and they opened up to me..in return, they chose to support and embrace me...
i have been more focused on needing guidance and advice (how could a person not need that??)...you are talking about being fearless in the face of transition
..its a fine line and like i said...i feel the will to stand alone is just a given..its so obvious i didn't think thats what we were talking about...
and i agree fearlessness is on the inside...but many of us needed guidance to know even that...and the best way to learn is by doing things in my mind..and that includes having some mean old ts lady smacking you upside the head to make sure you get the point..and if that happens here, that's not a bad thing...i said before, just the mere fact that i posted here was a big deal to me...i had to conquer fears to do that.
Clearly it's not. ;-)
We're now equating "help & support" with letters from doctors and that indicates a wholesale misunderstanding of what I'm trying to say. There is an undercurrent of 'neediness' in some of these comments and many of the newbies. I'm here to say that neediness will not serve you well in transition. People are taking my comments personally, which I always find fascinating, but this isn't about me. I'm just using myself as an example because I'm an authorized expert on my own pathology.
I happen to personally know a couple of rugged broads who are both very early in their transitions, but both have lost their wives, and both are at risk of losing shared custody of their kids. They have had friends and family slowly peel away and of course they face the daily challenges of transition alone. It's a damn good thing these chicks are able to stand firm against the winds of change because they've both seen some heavy gusts. Every time I hang out with one of them, I'm humbled by their determination.
They are the essence of what I'm talking about. Strong rugged individuals who don't get blown around by the whims of others.
Yes, finally this thread gets to where I thought it should go at the beginning. The OP about one member leaving transition to find companionship, bluntly sets forth a REAL risk. If you have a fear of being alone, if you have a neediness for intimately close friends and companions, by ALL accounts, transition will be difficult to impossible.
IMHO I was CLEARLY one of the "neediest" girls here. And last year, listening to Misty(Melissa H/BadTranny), Kathryn, Kaitlyn, and a couple ex-forum members who posted a lot then, I realized how freaking much of a problem I'd have in transition if I remained as "needy" as I was. Fear of being alone, fear of being friendless, it's NOT a TRANSSEXUAL ISSUE. It is however a co-morbid issue that can derail a TS's transition.
I wasn't willing to lose my wife, and I have always had a problem being alone. I have known this about myself. It's one of the reasons "why" I stopped pursuing transition 20 years ago and got into a close relationship with my current wife - she addressed my fear of being alone. But for me, my GD did not care that I had these "neediness" issues. It remained unrelenting.
I had to solve the puzzle of my fear of being alone or transition was going to be a train wreck for me. I had to sort out my love for my wife, with my own neediness and fear of being alone. The boundary is blurred. It's a hard thing to address. But I've had decades of counseling on other issues, and I worked at it the same way I worked on other issues. And I made a lot of headway, I had breakthroughs in understanding where a lot of my neediness came from. It remains my most difficult issue. I am not clear of it.
So when GD was killing me last fall, I really doubted my ability to get through a breakup with my wife without someone to keep me on track. So I got back into formal counseling. And it has helped immensely.
In January when I finally said I had to transition to my wife, and she immediately withdrew emotionally, I was devastated. I hurt so bad. But, in that agony, I knew it was agony over losing someone I loved, not the abject fear of being alone. I could tell the difference in the feelings. I knew I'd be able to stand up and go on.
And my wife and I have somehow, so far, found a way to stay together. Some of this is her dealing with the same complexities and neediness on her side of the relationship. But I can see too, neediness doesn't play the same role in my life anymore. I won't subordinate my desire to transition to the fear of being alone. And I think that's where you have to be to have a chance at a successful transition. (And I don't mean to imply that this all there is to transitioning, I mean only to address this aspect of it.)
And I think that was the whole point of the OP. Getting yourself into a position to be independent enough in your idea of self worth to do this alone if need be. And because transition can take years, you may be isolated longer than you want, you really do have to get this right before transitioning. But the hope is, after transition, and after you settle into being "you," you will be like anyone and can go find friends and lovers same as anyone. And because you will likely be happier, you will maybe be more likeable, and it oughta work out ok. :-)
Last edited by melissaK; 04-23-2013 at 10:45 AM.
Hugs,
'lissa
"The second life isn't like the first one, is it?"
"Sometimes, it's even better."
~ Elektra Natchios & Stick, Elektra (Movie) 2005, R. Metzner, S. Zicherman, Z. Penn
So how are you supposed to build yourself up?
I mean, it has to be possible... right?
Personally, a lot of my issues stem from long standing depression and basically shutting down and thus I'm not very emotionally strong.
That being said, even though my path is not complete it certainly will not be ended by resigning myself because of the emotional weakness.
I think people just need to be strengthened as people, not just transsexuals.
Through transition I found I was a much stronger person then I knew I could be.
me too ...it made me stronger than i knew..
sometimes its not about building yourself up as much as its having a wall at your back
...only by "doing it" does the strength come into your life...this is part of the leap of faith people talk about it...thinking "anything will be better than THIS" is a very common thought at the moment transition becomes part of your inner dialog..
Agreed and that is exactly my point, though I think MelissaK was able to expound on it quite brilliantly.
As I said earlier about the tools, and Kait furthered with the ballet shoes, you need to be emotionally healthy before you attempt transition. We say it should be a last resort, but to me that doesn't mean transition or die, that means fix everything else first. My transition was the natural result of finally knowing because I'd already addressed everything else. I spent a lifetime trying to get to the bottom of my malaise and self destructive behavior. I had my own neediness issues as well as a host of other anti-social personality quirks. I was able to examine and overcome my BS attitude problems and finally came to the end of the road, emotionally healthy but still profoundly unhappy.
I sometimes lament my wasted youth, but if I were honest I would have to admit that my 30 year old self did not have the tools to face what I've had to face over the last three years of transition. I would have broken for sure, and it might have even been a spectacular disaster.
My advice is simple, fix everything else first. Any burden you bring with you into transition will only get heavier over time.
Posting Permissions
