Wow! Thanks for all of the amazingly honest posts! I wanted to quote and reply to so many of them! Like when KateSpade shared that she was still struggling with purging; and Julie Gaum brilliantly described the generational differences of crossdressing in the age of the internet. Thanks all who took the time to post. Very insightful folks on this forum and looking forward to sharing more insights with all.
Kelly, about three years ago I purged all of my photos. I still miss them to this day and get frustrated about how much time I spent building up that portfolio.Originally Posted by Kelly Smith
Another piece of advice here,put all your unwanted photos on a CD as a reference for later.
I assure you there will be a LATER.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
I have purged a couple of times. It doesn't work, fortunately. Now, I have enough stuff that when purging crosses my mind, I think about what a waste of money it would be.
I have never purged everything but did make some half-hearted efforts to purge. I really miss some of the shoes that I got rid of. I think I knew in my heart of hearts that it wouldn't go away.
I have purged photos however. It would be fun to see old ones to see how I've progressed but, they're not really of much value.
You MUST cull however. It makes room for new stuff! That floral print dress with shoulder pads from the 80s has to go!
"I want you all to call me Loretta." - The Life of Brian
My first, last and LAST purge was when I went away to college back in 1997. I was going to be in a 4 person apartment (two double occupancy bedrooms) and knew that alone time would not be likely, nor would privacy. I had no faith that my secret stash in my bedroom would stay secret. So, into the garbage it went. Looking back, I didn't really lose anything of great material value. But it was all hard won! I really wondered if I should have bothered with the purge, since for nearly a year, the secret stash location went entirely undiscovered or untouched. Well, at some point in my Junior year, my mother decided that my bedroom needed a thorough dusting. She really moved everything around and got behind the dressers. See, I had a desk in my room where if I removed the bottom drawers, there was a void space underneath that went down to the floor. It was open in the back, though, so if the desk was slid away from the wall, the stash would be revealed. Well, it would have been found. I had left a $5.00 bill down there to see if it got moved. Well, when I came home after my mothers cleaning fit, the $5.00 bill was sitting on top of the desk and my mother mentioned "Look what I found under your desk!"
I've purged several times out of guilt, but this last time was not that. As an aside, I think some people misunderstood my previous posts. My wife did not give me an ultimatum. However, she's made it perfectly clear in various not-about-me discussions that she would do so. So this last purge was preemptive, but it was for her. I saw myself in the mirror one day, not as I wanted it to be, but as I really was, and I couldn't believe that I was willing to risk my marriage over this. So I tossed it all. I wish I could say I hadn't looked back, but I have, especially recently. Dressing is something that has always made me feel safe, and things are very much out of control in the house/office/church/everywhere right now. But I'm confident I can make it through. One thing I've been trying is to find ways to be feminine without actually dressing. To be a more holistic person instead of different compartmentalized identities.
I hope this didn't stray too far off topic...
I am not who you think I am
Ditto for me a few years back! I sweated what would happen if the wife found out back then.
You should only speak for yourself. You have no way of knowing if there will be a later.
Never purged, I either donate unwanted oldies or sell them on ebay so I can buy new things!
Leyna, do you feel that your dressing-up is a compartmentalized identity? I find it an interesting topic. For me, I feel more compartmentalized when I do not express this part of me.
Yes, dressing was definitely a way to give voice to part of me that I ordinarily kept suppressed. And then I could put her away when I was done. But honestly, I've found that there is a lot to like about Leyna. I don't want her to only show her face when I'm wearing a dress. I want to be all of me, all the time.
I am not who you think I am
Does this mean you don't want her to express herself in a dress anymore? only in male clothes?
purging=bad it is soo expensive!
the only limit that u set, is the one u set yourself.
I guess you could look at it that way. Though I'm trying not to view her as "her" anymore. She is part of me. So we're us. I'm us? I dunno. But we're getting kind of off topic, and given the way these have been getting locked lately, maybe we could follow up in a PM?
I am not who you think I am
Only purged once although it wasn't strictly speaking a purge. I got married and I knew it wasn't realistic to bring anything with me. So they had to go. Very regrettable but in truth it needed updating in any case. Seventies bra anyone?
I never felt the need to purge before that. I feel no guilt about crossdressing. Crossdressing is normal for me. Since then it's still not practical to have a big wardrobe. I have acquired some clothes since then. The last tenants we rented out house too left a bag of clothes with some really pretty stuff in it. So I kept anything that fitted including a pair of shoes, luckily I have small feet. None of them are really practical wear though. Other than that I wear my wife's clothes when I feel the need to dress up. The only other thing I have is a bra I bought. My wife is more busty than I like to be. That kind of satisfied me until lately. But I'm beginning to miss it badly now. I crossdress to feel normal. I've taken to wearing female clothing that is also gender neutral, jeans, jogging pants, socks that kind of thing. In fact my wife noticed it and commented but didn't pursue it. I even gave her one of my jogging pants that was a bit small for me. I really would like to buy some outfits and a wig etc. I want to feel normal again.
I love your process, Leyna. And sure we can PM if you want to. I don't think we are getting off topic though. Actually, I feel that your sharing has brought me closer to the topic. Sure, there is the physical manifestation of actually throwing clothes away. But there seems to be an internal process as well.
Thanks again for your insights.
I purged only one time and it was my first dress (a french maid dress). I was feeling very insecure about being a cross dresser and tried to convince myself that I was going through a phase so I would not be needing it. Turned out that this was not the case.
I had a believe that something need to be "cured". My therapist was very quick to make the point I cannot be cure of being a cross dresser than I can change the color of my eyes. This was a huge turning point for me.
This was very powerful for me to read, Christine. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It makes me wonder why I ever desire to "get rid of my clothes". It almost feels like getting rid of a part of myself.
Why would I ever quit something that was a positive, creative, experience?
I purged big time twice. Lots of $$$ went down the drain only to realized that I had to spend the same amount of $$$ to get it all back. The online stores must be confused why I'm ordering the same thing two or three times?
So I got smarter and just put it away in a box in storage whenever I had the feeling to purge. I did this because I usually never go to that storage and it would be the same as if I threw it all away.
Well, after putting that box there I found that I ended up visiting the storage much more frequently and eventually didn't bring the box back there anymore.
I purged only once and it was related to a new relationship with a woman that I knew in advance would not approve.
It was my first set of lingerie and things. I was living alone at the time and just started exploring CD'ing in private. I'd been at it just for four months and was having mixed feelings about the whole thing. The forums, this one in particular, helped me a lot in sorting those feelings...
The relationship was disastrous for me, constant verbal abuse and diminishment from her AND her kids.... This culminated two months ago in me being kicked out of the house... I found a flat in a near village and, secretly never stopping reading the forums and browsing lingerie sites, I found out that the urge was still there and that finally, I'll get my freedom back ! This helped a lot in accepting the current situation...
I swore this time to MAKE EVERY LAST EFFORT (there's a saying that says you should NEVER say NEVER !) not to purge again since some of the items I had were very pricey and some of them are out of production now. Luckily, I could still buy the one first bra I had and the most cherrished at the time. It still is.
Now, the credit card is fulland I'm enjoying a freedom I tought would never come back... I dress every day now and enjoy it to the fullest. Even though this freedom comes at a high cost, it is right now the best time of my life !
This time, I took great care in choosing the right items for me, 3 years of secretly browsing websites and forums helped quite a lot !
So, this is my story of purging. It happened once will hopefully don't happen again. If something happens that requires me to stop dressing, I'll put everything I have in storage and happily pay the price each month for the space, knowing that I can go back at any time !
Thanks for reading !
Maude
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Maude
Admit to self: July 2013 - Part Time: October 2013 - HRT: January 2014 - Name change: October 2014 - Full Time: ~March 2015
It doesn't feel very positive pre-purge for me. I just hope I have turned a corner with it all now and can stay a happy CDer full of acceptance and contentment. Time will tell.
The only time I purged was after a cancer diagnosis in 2007 when I just wasn't sure what my outcome was going to be.
But after 18 rounds of chemo and a bone marrow transplant in 2008, I realized I needed my clothes more than ever.
Plus, and I know this sounds strange, but if I would die I just wasn't ready to be found out. Can you imagine that?
With all my health issues going on I didn't want my clothes, and yes my crossdressing, to be discovered?
And this is the happy ending. I recovered. My hair grew back. My weight returned. And it wasn't too long after
all of this that I started dressing again. I will never purge again. This I swear to you.
dana
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Christine Lolita