Considering Transition

[PaulaQ]

So I'll preface this by saying that my realization that I was transgendered (who am I kidding? I'm a girl), was just 3 months ago. I started talking to a counselor 6 weeks ago - with the goal of trying to accept myself as some type of cross dresser, to do *anything* to avoid transition. So this is all really sudden.

But I'm sitting here typing this, in drab, and I'm a mess. My anxiety has been horrible since I changed back to guy mode this afternoon, for the return home of my wife. Going a couple of days as a male is hell - I feel dreadful. I don't want to live this way anymore.

What is the expression that gets used here a lot "Transition or die?" If so, I've certainly been close enough to "or die", particularly last week, that I don't feel I have much other choice but to seriously, seriously consider transition.

I spent about 20 hours last week having a nervous breakdown - a psychotic break. I hallucinated myself as a monster as I looked at myself in the mirror. It was horrible - but I realized that I'd seen that monster before, when I had a similar breakdown when I was 18. For the next 20 hours I was just flat unable to look in the mirror - I was afraid of what I'd see there.

I absolutely hate myself, and I hate my body. I hate my hirsute form - gettting waxed last week was an enormous relief.

I'm new at all this - I've only gone out in public presenting as female a couple of times. But what strikes me about it is that at this point, presenting as female feels normal, where as presenting as male stresses the hell out of me, to put it mildly. (I have full blown anxiety attacks, complete with shaking, and other physical symptoms.) I spent a part of last Tuesday night contemplating what exactly I'd need to do in my car to defeat all the safety features built into it, to end myself in a crash without injuring someone else. (Running headlong into a semi at 160MPH would do it - but that would be a horrible thing to do to the other driver.) At the time, this all seemed like a fairly positive way of thinking about a problem - because I just couldn't handle the pain of living the way I do now. (I've calmed down - I'm not thinking this way now - it would be a horrible thing to do to my family.)

So I've gone back to my doctor, and have some more medication. Although he's not a specialist in TS issues, he has a couple of TS patients, and neither he, nor my therapist thinks I need to do very much right now - I'm too unstable. And I'm sure they are right - I'm a mess right now, to put it mildly. So the first goal is to try to get me a little more emotionally stable, and then see where we go from there.

But I'm in enough emotional pain over my gender - I hate my body, and I hate myself so much - that I just don't see that any other conclusion is possible. I need to transition when I'm able. Hopefully sooner, rather than later.

I'll be honest - I'd hoped I'd figure out some way to cheat this. I am an excellent, excellent cheater. I'm sneaky. I'm clever. I'm underhanded. I'd hoped to secretly CD and somehow preserve some semblance of my marriage. But this is bigger than any trick I can come up with. There's no trick here - I'm barely hanging on for dear life.

Will I be happier? I dunno - it's hard to imagine that I could feel worse than I do right now. I can barely function at work. I'm trying to be there for my wife - but emotionally, it's mostly a total front. I love her - but I'm not really there for her right now. I'm trying - but just trying to keep it together in guy mode takes a LOT of my mental energy. Right now, just staying alive, relatively sane, and not miserable would be a big improvement. Happiness would just be icing on the cake.

Am I thinking about this the right way? I feel the conclusion here is just inescapable - I'm going to transition. Is there some alternative I'm missing? Am I nuts?

I'm not looking for validation here - hell shoot me down.

There are about a million reasons NOT to transition. I just can't bear the thought of living another 30-35 years and hating the face that looks back at me in the mirror. I won't make it that long feeling the way I feel.

Everyday, I put on my male clothes, it feels like I'm donning a prison uniform. I am a prisoner in my own life. This is horrible - because my life ought to be pretty good. Many things about it are great, including my wife. But the good of all that doesn't seem to weigh heavily against how dreadful I feel.

[Rogina B]

Wanting to get your own way[freedom to be the person you want] is far different than permanent changes to your body and life.Not sure you have the experiences to even know what you need. My opinion only.

[Rianna Humble]

Some may try to pick holes in your reaction to having to dress in male clothing, but I experienced something very similar in the run up to my transition and the psy who had to screen me for mental illnesses thought my physical reaction to dressing as a bloke was quite understandable.

I have also been in that position where I was planning different scenarios for suicide and like you was held back by the sense of fairness to others. I would strongly encourage you to remember that there is much more future in being alive than being dead. I have never heard a single dead person say that the prefer that state to life

IMNSHO, the professionals are right, you must get your other problems in hand before embarking upon full-blown transition, but that does not mean you cannot make any progress. Can you afford to start electrolysis?

If you do need to transition (and I am not doubting your word) how far have you/can you get your wife involved?

[Nicole Brown]

Hi Paula,

What you are describing sounds an awful lot like me and what I had been going through. I use to suffer every time I had to change back into male mode and became ecstatic every time I slipped into my lingerie. Today, what both of us suffer from is called Gender Dysphoria. This is basically an individual born into one gender, but actually is of the opposite gender.

The accepted and recommended treatment for Gender Dysphoria is therapy with a gender therapist who can write a hormone letter for you which will enable you to begin HRT. Most of the girls who suffer from GD, report feeling calmer and more normal with hormones. I can tell you from personal experience that hormones have done a world of good for me. If you desire to learn more about your condition and what the medical community recommends, take a look at the WPATH Standards of Care. You can find this extremely essential document at the following link:

http://www.wpath.org/publications_standards.cfm

PM me if I can be of further help.

[Angela Campbell]

It is a scary thing. I thought I could handle it too for a while. I would say I can make do with just crossdressing and no need to transition. I realize now that I was trying to rationalize my fears of what would happen if I did transition. I have always been able to handle it before why not now? I have known I should be a girl since I was very young and somehow I lived with it for many years. Why now do I feel like I cannot?

Suicide is not an option for me my brother did that when I was 20. I cannot allow myself to cause that kind of pain on my family no matter what level of hell I have to live in. That leaves me with fewer choices. Transition or learn how to give tours to all the newbies in hell. There really is no easy way out I guess.

You may transition, that will really be up to you. I have read many places where they say that sometimes just HRT will alleviate the symptoms of GD and no further action is needed. I am seeing a therapist too and will eventually begin HRT. He goes by the WPATH guidelines so it will take a few months.

Try to hang on. You have time.

[PaulaQ]

Wanting to get your own way[freedom to be the person you want] is far different than permanent changes to your body and life.Not sure you have the experiences to even know what you need. My opinion only.

1. What does freedom have to do with anything I've said? Do you think I actually WANT this? Oh no - but I am powerless to stop it. I WANT to not wake up each morning, disappointed because I'm awake, and not dead... Seems to me that this is happening to me - like it or not.

2. What experiences would you suggest I acquire, before my personality completely collapses - seriously, I'm all ears.

IMNSHO, the professionals are right, you must get your other problems in hand before embarking upon full-blown transition, but that does not mean you cannot make any progress. Can you afford to start electrolysis?

If you do need to transition (and I am not doubting your word) how far have you/can you get your wife involved?

Yeah, I'm going to look at electrolysis or getting my beard lasered. I have been clean shaven the entire time my wife has known me. That will be a major step I can take that will not seem like much is happening. (I'm open for opinions about electrolysis vs. laser.)

My wife is a significant problem. We love each other, and we've been together 20 years. She can barely abide the idea of me cross dressing - I only came out to her a month ago as being transgendered. She is CERTAIN I'll transition, and so she is grieving over the entire process. (I haven't come out and told her this is how it's liable to go. I've told her I'd like to avoid it - which was true until last week. Hell, it's still true now - I just don't think I can anymore.) I have been pretty honest with her about how I feel about myself. She doesn't see how clothes fix how I feel. My wife is no dummy.

She wants to help me through this - but she can't really bear it, and I'm 100% sure that at some point during a transition, the marriage will end. I'm hoping we can salvage some semblance of a relationship, at least as friends, but there is really no telling. This is a real crisis for her. I empathize with her a lot. If I could spare her this, I would, but I don't think I can. She's keeping it together better than I am right now - but that may not last.

She's having problems with any changes I make, even fairly trivial ones. She feels like her world is falling apart and the happy life she knows and loves is coming to an end. She has a point - that's what's happening alright.

Anyway, suffice to say - I don't have a ton of support at home.

The accepted and recommended treatment for Gender Dysphoria is therapy with a gender therapist who can write a hormone letter for you which will enable you to begin HRT. Most of the girls who suffer from GD, report feeling calmer and more normal with hormones.

I'm seeing a therapist who has experience with trans people. I'll make sure she can write the letter - I believe she can. I feel pretty certain that I'm suffering from GD. The other girls in my TG support group report similar feelings to the ones I'm experiencing, although I feel I'm by far the most messed up girl in the meeting right now. (Although there are others there early in their transition who have really genuinely terrible problems - I'm not trying to make light of that at all. I'm not actually happy to report how messed up I seem to be.)

I'm still trying to find resources though. I'm in a fairly terrible part of the country for someone who is contemplating transition.

This is the third episode of this I've had during my lifetime. This also feels like the worst of the three.

My expectation is that this is going to be tough sledding.

You may transition, that will really be up to you. I have read many places where they say that sometimes just HRT will alleviate the symptoms of GD and no further action is needed. I am seeing a therapist too and will eventually begin HRT. He goes by the WPATH guidelines so it will take a few months.

I hope this is the case Ellen, although I have my doubts. I *hate* myself. I *hate* being a guy. I'm not totally hung up on SRS - but I need to have breasts, of this I'm sure. I think FFS would help a lot too. I'm not hung up on "pretty" - I don't think I'll get to "pretty." I'll settle for not hating myself.

[TeresaCD]

Hi Paula.
There is a school of thought to do whatever you need to do to stay sane, and stay married, while continuing medication and counselling, working through what things you need to.
Then review in a month or two.
I know your wife is very important to you , and you to her. I still think she may be wrong, and is assuming the worst case for her - that you will transition and that things will end. She may be right to, but I know from my brief time here that it doesn't have to be that way - that for each of us there is a balance to be found.
I am sure you will see the best way forward, whatever that is, in time.
BTW, they say laser, although more expensive, is less painful and more permanent than electrolysis.
Feeling for you, from way over here..

[mary something]

thanks for sharing your experience, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now. Keep posting, this is a wonderful community of people who understand.

[Angela Campbell]

OK it seems like you have enough information to set some goals. Laser / electro for sure, maybe eventually HRT or even FFS. So figure out how to get to these goals. Even planning, having something to look towards will help to keep from feeling helpless. I am starting electrolysis this week. I know it will take a long time but I cannot control that and it feels good just knowing there will come a day.

I know you have some really big problems, but you are working on it and doing something. I prefer to hate the situation and not myself. Oh yes I have spent years hating my body but I have done something about that, and will continue to. I look at it like a problem that must be solved.

Laser seems to be much quicker than electro but you need a good contrast between dark hair and light skin. In my case I have too much grey hair for laser. Electro seems to be more expensive, more painful, and much slower. I have also heard that laser is not always permanent and electro is. I hear both hurt though.

thank you sir may I have another!

Many of the girls I know that are younger than me got laser first then used electrolysis on the rest. Many of them had to do the whole body.

[DaniG]

But I'm in enough emotional pain over my gender - I hate my body, and I hate myself so much - that I just don't see that any other conclusion is possible. I need to transition when I'm able. Hopefully sooner, rather than later.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I'll be honest - I'd hoped I'd figure out some way to cheat this. I am an excellent, excellent cheater. I'm sneaky. I'm clever. I'm underhanded. I'd hoped to secretly CD and somehow preserve some semblance of my marriage. But this is bigger than any trick I can come up with. There's no trick here - I'm barely hanging on for dear life.

Your excellent cheating has probably gotten you this far, and possbily kept you alive. But at some point, you reach the end of the road, and you must yield.

Will I be happier? I dunno - it's hard to imagine that I could feel worse than I do right now. ... Happiness would just be icing on the cake.

I believe from our discussions that you will indeed find peace, and therefore be happier. Just my $.02.

IMNSHO, the professionals are right, you must get your other problems in hand before embarking upon full-blown transition, but that does not mean you cannot make any progress. Can you afford to start electrolysis?

While this makes sense to a degree, the problems caused by dysphoria can only be addressed by transition. If there are issues that can be mitigated in the short term, then they should be focused on in preparation for transition. But Paula is dealing with dysphoria derived problems, and transition should not be delayed in hopes that her anxiety can be aliviated through normal techniques. It's well demonstrated that these techniques aren't effective with dysphoria. (Otherwise, transition wouldn't be necessary.)

(I'm open for opinions about electrolysis vs. laser.)

Several years ago, long before I knew I was trans I tried to laser may facial hair. I went through six painful session, but in the end, it had little effect for me, even though I don't have much gray hair. I won't waste my money again.

Anyway, I've heard that laser is only supposed to be effective to about ten years. Electrolysis will be my method of choice.[/QUOTE]

My expectation is that this is going to be tough sledding.

There's no doubt. But you're a survivor, Paula. You'll make it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you really do have to separate your other issues before you really get moving on something like transition..

the good news is that if you step back and take your life day by day, you may find more stability than you can imagine..

its confusing for us because the mental health issues go hand in hand.. when gender dysphoria gets bad you may describe negative feelings as depression or anxiety...but there is an added component which i can only describe as a feeling of being trapped and isolated ... some people don't feel that added component nearly as much...its that extra feeling that aims so many of us towards transition..no matter what the cost because the feeling of isolation is so distressing.....and because you are transsexual, you "just know" that living as a woman will help...

you want to thing day to day...electrolysis can make you feel better as it feels like progress ...anything that feels like progress should help... another thing you can do is to brave the world..just do it...i recall very well my feelings about going out and about...i realized my dressing sessions were going to need a real world test if i was to proceed...many stares later, i was alive and being out there only cemented my understanding that i was aiming towards transition..

[arbon]

Take it one step at a time, plan things out, don't rush (even if it feels like you have to, don't!) Hair removal is a great place to start. let your wife have some time to catch up, your changing her life to. And keep your seatbelt on tight - you don't know what a bumpy ride is yet.

What about work? Money?

Laser or electrolysis? Some people do good with laser, it depends on your hair and the person and machine doing it. Some do all electrolysis. I did 8 or 9 sessions of laser and it reduced it a lot but I still do a session of electrolysis each month and don't see it ending anytime soon. Almost three years since I started I still have to shave!!

It all takes time.

Kaitlyn suggested getting out more but you live in a small town the way I understand it, be careful with that.

[josee]

Paula, I came from a similar place as you in that I hoped for a long time that I was just a crossdresser but like you the dysphoria kept coming back with a vengeance. I went to several different therapist over the last 10 years who while well meaning tried to fix everything but the GD and I just kept getting worse instead of better. I finally found one who could see that the many issues in my life, the depression, the dishonesty, the disassociation were caused by the GD. Her main goal has been to get me to start loving myself again and the best technique I have found for that is to make some sort of progress towards my goal of complete transition.

I started with electrolysis then found a Groupon for 6 laser sessions for $149. I just had the sixth session and my beard is much less noticeable and easier to cover with make up. I will return to electrolysis to finish off the hair removal but just seeing my beard shadow grow fainter helped me tons. I started HRT which my therapist gladly wrote for me after 3 sessions and finally feel like the real me is starting to emerge. I am on my 6th month of hormones. My marriage of 21 years is in shambles now partially due to my steady progress. I love my wife so this really hurts but not as much as living a lie. There are some wives who are able to deal with this whole thing, I know of one happy couple who go to my church (the gay one). Which for me finding the MCC church has helped also cause I can go there every Sunday as my true self and am accepted completely and treated like a lady by everyone there.

I so identify with what you said in your last paragraph that putting on male clothes feels like donning a prison uniform so now the only time I do is when I go to my "manly" job. I am starting school in June to learn a more appropriate career that I feel will be a better fit.

I wish you luck and peace in your journey, if you need to talk feel free to PM me.

[Badtranny]

I want to set something straight for anyone who might care. This idea that transsexual women must hate their male lives is getting a little bit nutty. I have friends that feel the same way but I'll just speak for myself and take the hit. I personally never hated being male. I didn't hate wearing men's clothes. I didn't cry whenever I got out of the shower and caught a glimpse of my willy in the mirror. I cannot comprehend how someone lives an entire lifetime and suddenly becomes horrified that they are a man.

I had problems with my body, I was never happy with it. I was not happy as a man, but I appreciated the perks of strength and athleticism. I enjoy dressing in cute outfits now, but I enjoyed dressing up as a man too.

My transition was born from a simple desire to not be treated like a guy anymore. I wanted to live what was left of my life openly and authentically. I never FELT like I fit in with the dudes, and I wanted to join the other team once and for all. I could have easily continued my life as it had been, but I chose instead to give myself a chance to experience a life without pretending. I wanted to give myself a fighting chance to find happiness, maybe even a husband.

Those who wonder if they might be TS would do well to consider the real life consequences of pulling that pin. If panties give you some kind of comfort, you need to know that there isn't a pair of panties in the world that will indemnify you from the pain of being laughed at when you least expect it. In my view, transition is something you need to do with a clear head and an empty hand. Any issues you carry with you will just make everything that much more difficult to manage.

[PaulaQ]

I want to set something straight for anyone who might care. This idea that transsexual women must hate their male lives is getting a little bit nutty. I have friends that feel the same way but I'll just speak for myself and take the hit. I personally never hated being male. I didn't hate wearing men's clothes. I didn't cry whenever I got out of the shower and caught a glimpse of my willy in the mirror. I cannot comprehend how someone lives an entire lifetime and suddenly becomes horrified that they are a man.

I had problems with my body, I was never happy with it. I was not happy as a man, but I appreciated the perks of strength and athleticism. I enjoy dressing in cute outfits now, but I enjoyed dressing up as a man too.

My willy is the part that probably bothers me the least. It's everything else about my body that I hate. I've *always* hated my body. I have always felt like some type of freak of nature. These feelings have intensified over the past few months though, and are really bad again. I have always hated myself as a person. I hate the person who looks back at me in the mirror.

As for my male life - my actual life is pretty good. I'm moderately successful, I have a wonderful marriage (at least until I came out), and I have kids that have grown up to be pretty decent people. I'll trash much of this. Oh well, this has trashed my life a couple of other times - but this will be the last time, one way or the other.

I'm just finally able to admit now, something that I've known for a long time, but tried to suppress - I'm not a man, at least not in my mind. I've tried hard to be one - but I don't fit in with most guys. I never have. I just don't.

I've never liked men's clothes. I always just bought 5-6 of the same things, and rotated them out day to day. I thought this was "efficient", but in reality, I just never cared enough to even really try.

edit: As for the perks of strength and athleticism - I've never gotten to enjoy those. You know the two things I enjoy about being male?
1. Being able to pee standing up. Very useful outdoors.
2. Female reproductive organs are complicated and prone to failure. I was happy to avoid what I've observed some women go through with their uterus and ovaries.

Those who wonder if they might be TS would do well to consider the real life consequences of pulling that pin. If panties give you some kind of comfort, you need to know that there isn't a pair of panties in the world that will indemnify you from the pain of being laughed at when you least expect it. In my view, transition is something you need to do with a clear head and an empty hand. Any issues you carry with you will just make everything that much more difficult to manage.

I'm unafraid of being laughed at. The one thing that being handicapped has given me is that I have years of experience with being stared at, joked about (particularly when I was young), pitied, and generally not treated like a normal person. I genuinely do not give a damn what other people think. And god help the person who is dumb enough to laugh at me - I have an acid tongue and years and years of unresolved anger - they won't like what they hear. (The kids in school never did - some of them got really unfortunate nicknames from me that stuck with them a long damn time.) Laughing at me huh? They can f***ing bring it. (Seriously - people stare at me all the time now - I don't even notice anymore. It bothers people who are with me, at first, who aren't used to it either. How will this be worse?)

In my case, I think the consequences I fear the most are hurting others, like my wife. She's going to be hurt by this - she already is hurting a lot from this. Hurting the people I care about is the worst thing I've ever experienced. If my death (which would hurt them worse) didn't seem preferable to living on as a man, I wouldn't even consider this, because of how hurtful it is to others. I fear losing everything, and starting over too, but I've done that before, so I know I can do it. It really sucks though. I hope to avoid at least *some* of that.

I fear losing my marriage, and never having a relationship again. I fully expect that when I go through with transition, I'll pretty well insure that I never have another relationship, and that I die alone. If I can look at myself in the mirror on the day I die, and actually smile at who I see, it'll be worth it. I am not even going to think a lot about sexuality - I assume that part of my life will simply be over. Sucks, but thems the breaks.

As for happiness - who freaking knows? I've been happy for the past 20 years - honestly, the only time in my sad, sorry life I've been happy. I'm insane to consider giving all that up - except - yeah, that's the deal, I'm literally going insane over this. You just have not lived until you hallucinate yourself as a monster. So I may not get happy - I think my odds of being as happy as I've been are low. By historical standards of my life, the last 20 years of happiness have been an anomaly. I will be unsurprised if I don't find something better.

Not hating myself, not dying, and not losing my mind are probably going to have to suffice. Because I've got another 30-35 years on this earth, in all probability, and I am not going to make it feeling as I do now.

Or am I being wildly optimistic with my expectations? I'll I'm really expecting is to feel better about myself. I have low expectations for everything else. But I feel bad enough about myself right now that this seems like a good tradeoff.

PS I'm trying to decide if my past makes me uniquely able to withstand what I'm going through - or if it is going to insure my eventual destruction. Jury's still out on that one!

PPS I just want the pain to stop. I don't really care about an existential concern like "happiness". I also don't think I have a hell of a lot of choice. I can watch my sanity disintegrate, or off myself. Gee, both of those seem like terrible choices.

[Rogina B]

you want to thing day to day...electrolysis can make you feel better as it feels like progress ...anything that feels like progress should help... another thing you can do is to brave the world..just do it...i recall very well my feelings about going out and about...i realized my dressing sessions were going to need a real world test if i was to proceed...many stares later, i was alive and being out there only cemented my understanding that i was aiming towards transition..

My point exactly,you need to test drive before you buy.You may lack the self confidence to be happy in the outside world..Also,you don't mention having any close friends in the "same boat" and you state that your wife is "having none of it". Many of us nontransitioners resent presenting male,[I lead a genderfluid lifestyle],but you may not get the desired calmness if you "blow your world up". Don't rush to join the "transitioning club" just yet.My opinion only.

[stefan37]

Seriously slow down, take a breath and continue to seek therapy to sort this out. Your body will be your body. If you are unhappy now , what makes you think you will be happy later. You might have breasts. but all your other attributes will remain as is. Certainly for a long time. I still have love handles, a large chest and large bone structure. My weight is down to a manageable 183 and losing more has been very difficult. I can relate to Melissa's experience also. I never hated my body and when in shape was proud. I just always believed I should have breasts. I thrived in a male centric industry and will continue to do so after transition. I enjoyed doing male activities and my group of close friends were not alpha males, so i was able to relate very well to them. For me there is an internal urge to be the opposite gender. I have felt it since an early age. I could no longer handle the constant anxiety and keep pushing the envelope with my wife. Therapy helped me to realize that my internal urge was a path I had to try. Hormones were a god send to me. I have had no anxiety since starting and they were obviously the chemical my brain lacked and craved.

As far as your marriage, well I do not know your wife, but in my experience this forum aside. I know of no person in or out of my support group that is still married. I know there are couples that stay together but the brutal reality is the overwhelming majority will not not survive. It took less than 6 months on hrt for my 30 + marriage to fall apart. We are still adjusting and navigating being housemates, and as time goes forward I have less hope than I did we will stay together. If losing your wife is paramount to you think carefully. Just the declaration that you desire to transition can and in many cases will throw the marriage into irrevocable disarray. And I have never been more attentive, involved and participated in my wife's life more than the past year. she is struggling because she knows I am a better person and she enjoys my new personality. But the reality for her she cannot sleep with a woman. Even though I still appear very male and still have my genitals(they no longer work), the soft skin and breast development are the 2 physical changes she knows she can not deal with. She is just not wired to be in an intimate relationship with a female.

Transition is serious business and it gets real very fast. Be prepared to handle the disruption to your life that will occur. For me the the clothes are not what it is all about.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You can tell from the gals here there are a couple common themes..

slow down...day by day..get your affairs in order...

so much of what you are saying is consistent with what many ts people say...

i never hated my life or my body parts or even my clothes... but I was indifferent to them... i was afraid of losing things...i lost my job, i lost my wife...i didn't lose my kids altho i am forever sad that i had to make them feel bad...

I'd say use the old motto don't transition unless you have too...but i'd be prepared because there is a real possibility that you may have too based on everything you are saying...
the reason i'm saying that is just reading through your posts and seeing the gender distress...you simply have to get in front of that for thebest outcome...if you want to try to ride this out you have to "mitigate" the distress by making small changes, and if you want to transition you are going to need alot of patience

often for the struggling ts, its not about what you are afraid of, or what you want...its about gender dypshoria ...

if you can live day by day, and do the little things right, you can get yourself together better, be in a better frame of mind, and hopefully make whatever path you end up on better for yourself..

btw i think your unique situation may protect you from some of the bitterness I know I felt about being marginalized and shunned by people...if you've experienced that in your life, you wont have to learn the skills I had to learn to feel better about myself anyway

[Marleena]

I want to set something straight for anyone who might care. This idea that transsexual women must hate their male lives is getting a little bit nutty. I have friends that feel the same way but I'll just speak for myself and take the hit. I personally never hated being male. I didn't hate wearing men's clothes. I didn't cry whenever I got out of the shower and caught a glimpse of my willy in the mirror. I cannot comprehend how someone lives an entire lifetime and suddenly becomes horrified that they are a man.

Melissa this isn't a hit but late transitioners are quite common. In my case it's my second round with GD. I went through this in my 20's, wanted to transition but couldn't find help (1970's). I buried it pretty good (denial) in my brain until this second round. As far as man parts go, never cared for them. At my age now this is not wanted at all and I fought this for a long time but needed answers. Once I was diagnosed and finally accepted the inevitable those old memories started coming back. So I guess you can run but you can't hide.

[ArleneRaquel]

I have never "hated" my maleness, or even disliked it. I just prefer presenting myself as a female.

[Marleena]

Oh and Melissa if you meant people that had no clue they were TS until their late 50's or in their 60's I can't answer that. Maybe putting on a dress triggered something. I'm seeing there are no rules for this self discovery.

Back to topic: Paula get to that gender therapist to sort yourself out. Slow down and don't overthink things in the mean time. This can drive you nuts.

[traci_k]

Paula,
There's a lot of good advice here, but the best, slow down, take a breath. Yes you may have to transition. That alone brings a whole nother set of problems as those here who have or are transitioning can tell you, and it doesn't happen overnight. You're still relatively young so you do have time. Talk to your therapist, start making plans and executing those plans as they seem right. It's going to take money to transition and and income after. Many of us wish that "poof" we could change overnight, that isn't reality. Know you've got a friend.

Hugs!

[punkypunk]

Wow, I totally get it mate. I too am a master of deception, reality escapee and keen observer of ppl and their motivations. I'm getting better now but there were times where even I didn't remember the truth from the mask.
plagued by thoughts of suicide (where you have your car, I tie nooses over n over). Finally, after years of failing to build up the balls to off myself I realised a few things,
first that my kid would most likely, if given the choice as an adult, want to deal with a transsexual father than a faded memory of a corpse. I think this is true of more ppl than we think :-)
Second that what the f do I care what anyone thinks? If you truly hate the world, why worry what it thinks of you? And that I'm not alone. I honestly thought I was unique being good looking, succesful, clever, great with the ladies (and guys), married to the coolest chick on the Earth; but still always looking at girls and aching to b like them. I love being a man n totally rocked it, I don,t NEED to transition, could probably carry on as is, but I [I]want[I] to transition, so screw everyone I will. I don't want to down play your own story, but it really helped me once I realised I wasn't a random occurance, others have tread your weary path and survived :-)

All the advice here seems to be to take it slow, I reckon you have so much to do you can pay lip service to taking it slow while you take care of the beard, wax eyebrows, learn how to do makeup, practice ya girl voice, buy new clothes and remove ALOT of hair in a never ending cycle. Then get out as a girl, that will help solidify the decision, coz it's bloody awkward and embarassing, I visually sorta kinda pass, my rich baritone tends to give the game away though, but I don't care coz this is me and I'm totally doing this. I guess I was just suggestin that if you take the other gals advice n 'take it slow', you can still smash through goals and feel like you're makin' progress n ease the pain.
I was lucky that my wife's awesome n loves me as is, she's really helped me and actually encourages me to realise myself. I was a fool n thought she'd run, ppl may b more accepting than you think and at this stage, what's to lose? If that doesn't work, move to a bigger city. Anything's better than dead yeah?
This is my longest rant ever! Just that ya tale hit home for me. Hang in there, use the forum and good luck with everything :-)
Msg me ifya wanna shoot the breeze ever...
Kate xo

[PaulaQ]

I'm interested in reading all the comments about "happiness." Am I "unhappy" now? Will I be "happier" as a woman?

I'm not "unhappy" as a man. I am losing my mind when I present as a man - I feel enormous, overwhelming anxiety. I am miserable. It is the most amazingly painful emotions I've ever experienced. My life is a waking nightmare. Presenting as female alleviates these feelings substantially. Happy - pffft. Who cares? Seriously - who cares? I want an end to my misery.

This seems like a fairly straightforward decision. Girl mode = I feel fairly normal - better. Guy mode = I feel like hammered crap and would welcome death.

Am I missing something here? Where does "happy" enter into this? Where do I even have a choice in any of this? I sure don't see any. I'd like to find some balance short of a full transition. However, my GD seems to be getting progressively worse, and what I'd "like" doesn't seem to make one particle of difference. Not. A. One.

I think my GD is pretty severe. As for slowing down - I dunno. This is the slowest freaking medical process I've ever seen. It borders on being DIY.

We'll see if I survive until I can start to get some relief - this is by no means certain. My mind feels like it is literally falling apart.

I'm having to take this slow anyway - my wife can barely tolerate any of this. My wife can't really even handle the CD part of this. The idea I could transition is causing her emotional problems as well. Neither of us is especially strong right now.

As for my marriage being a paramount concern - this sounds cold, but it is not. I love my wife. I love my marriage. I'm no good dead or insane though. I have to save myself. I fully expect my marriage to end. Maybe she'll suprise me, but I'm not counting on this.

Changing locations is not a trivial option for me. I'm 50. I own two homes. I'm married. I'm tied down. Seriously - unwinding all that stuff is at least as slow of a process as transition itself. The only easy part of this is my job. I can do it from almost anywhere. Presuming I can keep it together well enough to actually KEEP my job. This is not certain at the moment.

[KellyJameson]

Often I think about getting or giving advice when you are in the grip of gender dysphoria.

When you are hurting everyones words are just so much noise and often the help offered makes it worse

Living with a gender identity that is opposite the body and life you are living is a handicap and aspects of this handicap do not necessarily go away with transitioning.

In my opinion you are still left with a whole lot of stuff floating around inside your head that you still have to learn to live with.

For me it was more like my brain was under pressure and it worked as a release valve so you are happy from being free and you finally experience the mind, body and your life being all on the same page so you lose that feeling of being fractured or split into pieces and experience what I call "flow".

All the pieces that were in conflict come together to make one complete theme so you have a sense of continuity, integrity, rightness versus wrongness, ect...that has always been with you since the beginning.

The thing to remember is there will still be the shit storm of life to deal with and in some ways this is increased by transitioning.

You trade one big problem for thousands of little ones that must be worked through.

It interests me how many crossdressers who identify as men want their own breasts and it is clear to me that the clothes and their bodies merge into one expression.

I personally believe that much of crossdressing is driven by male sexual desire for women and this gets turned inward where they turn themselves into the object of that which they sexually adore and desire and this is possibly merged with mother love.

I do not see this behavior as bad or good, wrong or right but I do think it creates the danger of being labelled as gender dysphoria.

I never fully appreciated how much men worship women until I joined this forum and it always strikes me as a little weird but I think that must be a part of being a man because I have seen it here and out in the world and have always been puzzled by this behavior.

In my own life women have been extremely important and irrelevant at the same time. They are irrelevant because I have never related to them as a man to a woman because I have never identified as a man where for heterosexual men who have always identified as men they are very relevant as their "other half"

Women have only been relevant to me as the mystery that would solve who I am and for me this is one of the experiences of gender dysphoria. Secondary to that I prefer their company for friendship and companionship because I have little in common with most men.

I like men but they are from another planet so often require to much work to associate with where woman are easy to be around but every once in awhile I will connect with a man and it goes deeper than anything I have ever had with a woman because they complement me on a profound level and it is here where my gender identity also lives.

Gender identity and the dysphoria has defined and touched every single female relationship I have ever had.

Gender dysphoria is dangerous all by itself, but labelling something gender dysphoria when it is not is doubly dangerous because it would be akin to trying to put out a fire with gasoline.

I would urge you to step back from any conclusions you have made about your gender identity and reflect on your life as the relationship you have had with this life as "gender identity"

Your situation has complexities because of your physical handicap that would add to the difficulties of understanding and diagnosing gender dysphoria.

I'm worried that you may jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.

This forum has taught me that it is very easy to apply the label gender dysphoria to something that seems to not have anything to do with gender identity and dysphoria at all.

Try to read about woman who have transitioned and get inside their minds and learn about their life experiences.

There are patterns and commonalities you see when you live your life in conflict with your internalized gender identity.

In my experience you do not get twenty years of happiness with gender dysphoria.

Your suffering is real but I worry that it is coming from somewhere else and transitioning will not save you but destroy you by destroying the life that you have built.

Please do not take my words as stating that you are not transsexual because only you can know that but simply the desire to give you all possible perspectives.