This is very complicated stuff, Paula. I feel that I am in a similar place as you -- and if I knew how to sort it out I would tell you. How to decide how much of your trouble is gender and how much is Life other than gender. Is it your marriage (outside of your cd ing?) Is it your job/career/age/family? Is dressing and thinking about being a woman an escape from the life you've come to hate? (That's okay, but is it an escape because it takes you away or an escape because the life you hate is not the one you know you should live? And would gender change fix what's wrong with that life?)
I've finally seen a gender expert,and she has urged me to try to sort this very stuff out. To obsess less about why this came up late in life and more about what it means to me now and what I am going to do about it now. I've also been advised to try to understand: what helps? what do I care about most? what feeds me while I am fixing literal and metaphorical food for everyone else in my life?
I think these are really good questions. Perhaps if I can answer them I'll know what to do. I like the way they make me look at myself and my life, so without judging you or your situation, I thought I would offer them to you to see if they resonate. All the best to you --
elizabethamy
p.s I think I want to form a coalition of the "late in life," slogan: we are really stupid or really smart: we are geniuses at repression!
okay, maybe I am a woman but not a cheerleader...