Considering Transition

[elizabethamy]

This is very complicated stuff, Paula. I feel that I am in a similar place as you -- and if I knew how to sort it out I would tell you. How to decide how much of your trouble is gender and how much is Life other than gender. Is it your marriage (outside of your cd ing?) Is it your job/career/age/family? Is dressing and thinking about being a woman an escape from the life you've come to hate? (That's okay, but is it an escape because it takes you away or an escape because the life you hate is not the one you know you should live? And would gender change fix what's wrong with that life?)

I've finally seen a gender expert,and she has urged me to try to sort this very stuff out. To obsess less about why this came up late in life and more about what it means to me now and what I am going to do about it now. I've also been advised to try to understand: what helps? what do I care about most? what feeds me while I am fixing literal and metaphorical food for everyone else in my life?

I think these are really good questions. Perhaps if I can answer them I'll know what to do. I like the way they make me look at myself and my life, so without judging you or your situation, I thought I would offer them to you to see if they resonate. All the best to you --

elizabethamy

p.s I think I want to form a coalition of the "late in life," slogan: we are really stupid or really smart: we are geniuses at repression!

okay, maybe I am a woman but not a cheerleader...

[PaulaQ]

All the pieces that were in conflict come together to make one complete theme so you have a sense of continuity, integrity, rightness versus wrongness, ect...that has always been with you since the beginning.

This is what I'm looking for. I've always felt isolated, alone - unable to connect well with others, especially men. I've always hated my body. Not just the handicapped bits - all of it. I've always considered myself hideously unattractive - although I'm not.

It interests me how many crossdressers who identify as men want their own breasts and it is clear to me that the clothes and their bodies merge into one expression.

I don't identify as a man anymore, I believe. I'm *really* uncomfortable in the men's room. I've always been uncomfortable in locker rooms and stuff. I'm not especially shy about my body - believe it or not. But I'm really uncomfortable around men. I've always known I was female - but I surpressed this.

I personally believe that much of crossdressing is driven by male sexual desire for women and this gets turned inward where they turn themselves into the object of that which they sexually adore and desire and this is possibly merged with mother love.

This is essentially Blanchard's theory. I'll admit that initially, there was a sexual component to my CDing. However, compared to most of the CDers on this forum, I never did much CDing. And once I realized "yep, I'm a girl", the sexual component of CDing evaporated, literally overnight. I get no charge from doing this. Indeed, I get really terrible mental anguish and anxiety when I'm presenting as male. Presenting as female just feels right.

Your situation has complexities because of your physical handicap that would add to the difficulties of understanding and diagnosing gender dysphoria.

This is true - but I can assure you that I've extensively explored this. I've been analyzed, therapied, etc. for a long time. My handicap is no big deal. Yeah, it sucks - but I'm over it. Questions:
1. Why aren't most handicappped people as screwed up, or more so, than I seem to be?
2. Why would putting on a dress make me feel better about my handicapped legs?

I like men but they are from another planet so often require to much work to associate with where woman are easy to be around but every once in awhile I will connect with a man and it goes deeper than anything I have ever had with a woman because they complement me on a profound level and it is here where my gender identity also lives.

I can't say much about this. I have no interest in men. Wish I did - my sex life would've been better all these years. But I don't. Bummer.

Try to read about woman who have transitioned and get inside their minds and learn about their life experiences.

There are patterns and commonalities you see when you live your life in conflict with your internalized gender identity.

OK I can do that. I am also attending at TG support group, so I can talk to several women who've transitioned. So far, in talking to the group, lots of the girls identify with things I've said. This doesn't prove anything - but I seem to mostly fit in.

Your suffering is real but I worry that it is coming from somewhere else and transitioning will not save you but destroy you by destroying the life that you have built.

Please do not take my words as stating that you are not transsexual because only you can know that but simply the desire to give you all possible perspectives.

OK, well, that would be convenient for me if it were the case. I've been looking for any out from this - but I have no idea what else would cause me so much anguish that seems to respond so directly to gender related things. And at this point, I really don't see what to do except present as female *a lot* and hope that's enough. I just don't think it will be, because my feelings are getting worse. But I guess we'll see.

I've already dropped an atomic bomb on my marriage. It's iffy it will survive no matter what I do, short of completely eliminating any feminine behaviors, which seems quite improbable to me.

[Angela Campbell]

As I have said before, I am not the one to give relationship advice because I can't seem to keep a marriage or a live in relationship together myself. I can tell you that it seems that the marriage is a large part of your anxiety and pain. It is not the end of the world though when a relationship ends. It can seem like it is for a while and it does hurt deeply, but it really is not the end of life. Sometimes you just have to let go of things you cannot control. I lost the love of my life years ago and I still love her more than life itself even today after not seeing her for 15 years. I went into a deep depression for years, drank a lot and was not functional at any level for a while. It does get better with time. I would hate to see anyone go through this, but sometimes we have to let go of things that hurt to make the hurt go away. Sometimes we have to let go of things we cannot control and focus on what we can do to make life better.

[MysticLady]

I absolutely hate myself, and I hate my body. I hate my hirsute form - gettting waxed last week was an enormous relief.

My dear Paula, be content with what you have. Some of us, I believe, sometimes get caught up in the whirlwind of this lovely experience and want more hoping it'll cure our aching hearts. If you hate yourself now, do you think it'll change later no matter what you do? First and foremost LOVE yourself for who you are and be content with what you got. Once there, I believe it wouldn't matter whether you transition or not, you'll be happy.

[arbon]

@ MysticLady - if she is TS she wont be content being a man.

[MysticLady]

I don't know. You may be right Arbon, but if she's having difficulties with loving herself now , I believe nothing will make her happy. After transition she may not completely be satisfied and will continue to search and think that she may need more to become happy and that I believe will become a " carrot on a string" that she'll never catch. Then again this is just my opinion. It'll be up to Paula to decide that.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You are right you dont know...what on earth does your description of crossdressing as a lovely experience have to do with this?

you can have an opinion... but its not really valuable to a person that is going through something you don't understand.

its like telling a clinically depressed to just be happy

how dare you imply she will never find happiness..how dare you call her search for authenticity a "carrot on a string"

[arbon]

but if she's having difficulties with loving herself now , I believe nothing will make her happy..

Transitioning pretty much alleviated the self loathing and internal conflict when nothing else worked for me.
Maybe she is the same, maybe she is not. She will figure it out and choose her path.

[MysticLady]

I agree, but I want her to realize that we're here for her.

[DaniG]

I don't know. You may be right Arbon, but if she's having difficulties with loving herself now , I believe nothing will make her happy.

Gender dysphoria is a very real and very powerful mental force that has nothing to do with a normal person's struggle to find a healthy self-image. Take into consideration these statements that Paula has made:

"I'm not a man, at least not in my mind. I've tried hard to be one - but I don't fit in with most guys. I never have. I just don't."

"I'm not 'unhappy' as a man. I am losing my mind when I present as a man - I feel enormous, overwhelming anxiety. I am miserable."

"Presenting as female alleviates these feelings substantially."

This isn't an issue of loving herself. This is a mental crisis of anxiety and depression, which are classic results of major dysphoria. And other many other causes too, you argue. Then why are they alleviated when presenting female, I'd counter. Paula believes she's female, and I think her story backs her up.

As for the goal of happiness, I'll let Paula answer that herself.

"Happy - pffft. Who cares? Seriously - who cares? I want an end to my misery."

[PaulaQ]

I don't know. You may be right Arbon, but if she's having difficulties with loving herself now , I believe nothing will make her happy. After transition she may not completely be satisfied and will continue to search and think that she may need more to become happy and that I believe will become a " carrot on a string" that she'll never catch. Then again this is just my opinion. It'll be up to Paula to decide that.

Hi Victoria. Sure, it is possible that I'll never be happy. I have considered that outcome, and it is one of my bigger fears. However, I've never really liked myself, and I absolutely hate my body, and always have. For a long time, I attributed that to being handicapped, but honestly, it makes more sense that I'm unhappy in my body because I was born in the wrong one - I just ended up with both jokers in the deck in my hand. (handicapped and trans.)

I smile at myself in the mirror when I'm presenting as Paula. I *never* smile at myself as a male. NEVER. I know that's no guarantee of anything in particular, but I take it as a positive sign. I've gone out a couple of times en femme - and it feels GREAT. Being Paula feels natural and normal. Being male feels like I'm in a prison uniform - and I feel so much anxiety that way. I've noticed that I don't like to leave the house en drab anymore if I have time alone at home to be Paula. If my situation were a little different, and my town was a little safer, I think I'd go out as Paula most or all of the time. As it is - if my wife weren't an issue, I think I'd be out presenting as Paula *a lot*. I never want to shop en drab ever again.

As for happiness - I dunno. I am not worried about that so much. I want peace. I want to like myself. I want to stay sane, and alive. I'd take some loneliness and minor unhappiness over the absolute misery I feel right now. Seriously - it would be a good trade.

[Angela Campbell]

You just said what makes you feel better. It may be as simple as that. Everything doesn't have to be complicated.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

As for happiness - I dunno. I am not worried about that so much. I want peace. I want to like myself. I want to stay sane, and alive. I'd take some loneliness and minor unhappiness over the absolute misery I feel right now. Seriously - it would be a good trade.

This is exactly the reason we transition...

with transition peace is attainable

...if you find peace, you may also a find a path to happiness as well..

[PaulaQ]

BTW, since this has come up in another thread - how important is passing? How about being "pretty"? I don't think "pretty" is in the cards for me. I'm old (50), I have masculine features. I have very little hair of my own left on my head. I'm willing to do electrolysis, FFS, all sorts of stuff, but my guess is "pretty" is not in the cards, and "passing" may not be either. (For one thing, no matter what they do to me, I'll still be handicapped and walk *really* funny.

My physician, who's a great guy and actually very supportive points out to me that "I'm not going to make a very attractive woman."

Should I worry about that stuff? Would it affect your decision one way or the other? To me, all I can really do is do the best I can with what I've got, get whatever cosmetic procedures and surgeries that I can afford, and try to feel better about myself, even if I don't fool anybody. Or is that a recipe for failure?

[kellycan27]

You answered your own question... You've got to work with you have. Whats the alternative?

[PaulaQ]

I dunno. Cash in my chips, I guess. Not that good of an option, really.

Guess I was really asking if it would make the transition harder, if, at the end of it, you weren't quite up to the standards of say "wal-mart pretty"? That is - there are some *really* unattractive genetic women who go into the wal-mart. If you end up not even looking that good, can you still transition successfully?

I'm trying to set a realistically low bar here for myself... Hopefully it's better than that, and I end up "OK looking, but walks funny." I could deal with that.

Don't get me wrong - I'll do whatever I can do, and whatever I have to do - just wondering if being unattractive in the end makes this a whole bunch harder?

[Wildaboutheels]

Doesn't matter what we see when we look in the mirror. Our brains LIE to us every single day in so many ways in an effort to protect us from ourselves. If we don't "like" ourselves on the INSIDE, the packaging - bad, Ok, good, fabulous, whatever - isn't going to matter IMO.

It's awful easy to wonder, if some people who have lead tortured lives [whether self inflicted or not] might consider changing sexes a possible "avenue" to starting a whole new life, fresh, and summarily dismissing the past.

But what do I know...

[PaulaQ]

Well, I don't think that applies to me. I've started over once before, pretty much from scratch, when I recovered from alcoholism. So I know I can start over - but I'll be honest, starting from scratch sucked at 28, and it will NOT be better or easier at 50. The starting over fresh (since at 50, "fresh" is never gonna apply to me, lol), is definitely not one of the attractions here. Mostly I want to feel "right" and like the person who looks back at me in the mirror.

That, and I really hate being a dude.

[Nicole Brown]

As for my male life - my actual life is pretty good. I'm moderately successful, I have a wonderful marriage (at least until I came out), and I have kids that have grown up to be pretty decent people. I'll trash much of this. Oh well, this has trashed my life a couple of other times - but this will be the last time, one way or the other.

Please do not feel that you will automatically trash your kid's lives. From your statement I assume that your children are grown and possibly living on their own. I also have 2 children, well actually I have 2 adults, and both have learned to accept me and love me for who I am. People of our children's generation are quite different from those of our generation. They are far more open and accepting of diversity and they seem better equipped to handle alternate lifestyles.

When I first came out to my daughter her immediate reaction was, OK you're my Dad and I support you. Then came the period of learning to live with her statement, and now total acceptance. I often travel to Oregon to visit her and spend entire weeks with her as myself.

My son took a little longer to come around, which is normal and totally expected for a male child. Add to this fact that his wife is pregnant and expecting in July. Sure it took several long questions and answer sessions and a delayed meeting with me. But in the end the most important question, the one which actually told me that things we going to be OK, was "so what do you want the baby to call you, Grandma??"

Feel comfortable in the knowledge that you are doing what is right for you and that you are being honest to yourself. Yes, your marriage may suffer and you may well loose your wife, but you will not be living a lie any longer.

[MysticLady]

My physician, who's a great guy and actually very supportive points out to me that "I'm not going to make a very attractive woman."

Uhhrrggg. This is very wrong for your doctor to even say that to you. Who made him a judge of beauty. I'm sorry but people that think they know you better than you do yourself just "chap my hide".

Guess I was really asking if it would make the transition harder, if, at the end of it, you weren't quite up to the standards of say "wal-mart pretty"? That is - there are some *really* unattractive genetic women who go into the wal-mart. If you end up not even looking that good, can you still transition successfully?

What if those "unattractive" GG's decided that they're just not pretty enough to be out and about? Don't beat yourself up for the limitations you think you may have. Use those as launch steps in your life.

So I know I can start over - but I'll be honest, starting from scratch sucked at 28, and it will NOT be better or easier at 50. The starting over fresh (since at 50, "fresh" is never gonna apply to me, lol)

Im over 50 , Ive had cancer(in Aug 2010 they told me I had 3 mos left), my wife of over 20 years told me she wants a divorce, but, you know what, I love my life and things happen for a reason and Im as happy as a pig in slop. Don't let life bring you down Sister. Ive seen your pic and your a lovely lady.

[Angela Campbell]

It is not so hard to be pretty in some fashion. No we may never look like we want to, but there are some things you can do to enhance what you can and make a good look. I know some GG's who are really homely if they do not try but with the right clothes, hair and accessories can look quite nice. Most who do not even look "wal Mart" acceptable usually do not try or are not willing to do what it takes to look better. I did what it takes and I still am. I lost over 110 lbs, I excersized, I found the right clothes to accentuate what is good, I tanned my legs, and I started electrolysis. I am lucky genetically but it still takes work to get the best I can do.

So the question is Paula......are you willing to do the hard stuff to improve your appearance? You know you can if you really want to.

Either way I would rather be an ugly lady then a good looking man anyday.

[arbon]

Kaitlyn Michele has a post towards the end of the compromise to save marriage thread about "passing" that I think you would find interesting, she is pretty insightful.

Looks do matter, more so for us then other people probably. But it definitely is not everything either.

For myself I know that people will read me, they will realize I am trans especially if they are around me for very long. I am not accepted as a woman without question. I can't take it for granted that I am seen by others the same way I think of myself. never.

But I know who I am and I'm true to myself, i am confident and comfortable in my own skin, I am a good person, I'm not trying to fool or deceive anyone, and I am pretty dang cute when I want to be - and I think that all comes through to people, they see it is for real and that I am not a guy in a dress. That's the stuff I end up being judged by. Thats okay, at least most of the time.

[DaniG]

My physician, who's a great guy and actually very supportive points out to me that "I'm not going to make a very attractive woman."

Uhhrrggg. This is very wrong for your doctor to even say that to you. Who made him a judge of beauty. I'm sorry but people that think they know you better than you do yourself just "chap my hide".

Second this. Normally, I'm a fan of the unabashed truth, but in this situation, what's he trying accomplish? He still thinks he's talking to a man considering the possibility of becoming a woman. He doesn't realize he's talking to an authentic woman. He would never question a GG's appearance!

His statement can only serve to heighten Paula's depression. It's as if Paula is making a decision, and weighing the pros and cons. She isn't.

Ive seen your pic and your a lovely lady.

2nd this 2. You look just fine. And you have a great sense of style. You don't have nearly as much to worry about as you think you do.

[Marleena]

Paula I kinda think you're putting the cart before the horse with your transitioning revelation here. Keep working with your therapist on this, it's no wonder your wife is stressed, this came on real fast.

[PaulaQ]

@ Marleena
1. I'm not so sure I'm all that confident in my therapist. Sadly, where I'm located, there isn't much professional support for anyone with gender issues. There isn't much support for hundreds of miles around me.

2. Is it just that I'm not using the right secret password or handshake to get into the TS club? Because, seriously, how much emotional distress over my gender do I need to exhibit before anyone, my therapist included, will take me seriously? I've already had one episode where I hallucinated - what else are you looking for here? I am going completely out of my mind - *I* am not setting the pace for this. This crap is just happening to me.

3. A month of conventional medical treatments for anxiety and depression has, for the most part, not done diddly-squat. We'll give this some more time, but I'm not too impressed so far.

4. I am finding it relatively easy to go out as Paula. I found it difficult today to go out as my male self. I'm becoming agoraphobic in guy mode, it would seem. This is getting worse - not better.

5. Given that conventional medication for psychiatric ailments hasn't helped much, and that crossdressing for a few hours a week doesn't seem to be cutting it, and the fact that I really, really, really am uncomfortable presenting as a male - I hate being a freaking dude! I hate my body. In fact it is driving me out of my goddamned mind! I would think that at least consideration of the possibility of some form of transition would be appropriate.

Feel free to comment on flaws in my thinking.