Considering Transition

[mary something]

thanks Misty , only new to the forums unfortunately. Hopefully it's good stuff, only criteria is if it makes Paula feel better

[PaulaQ]

Thanks Mary. I'll take your advice I think. I will definitely look into a book on relationship skills. Have any suggestions for a good one? (I can ask around, too - my therapist I'm sure knows of some too.) Believe it or not, I've had 2-3 years of regular therapy after sobering up. Uh, you should've seen me before...

I am most certainly overdue for some retail therapy. I've been wanting to pierce my ears for some time. (Need earrings!!!) What I'd really like, too, is a cute woman's watch. I love wrist watches. But all my watches are men's. I have some fairly nice watches - they are super-masculine, mostly. (I have one, that is small for a man's watch, that would maybe work - only because my hands are so large.) My toenails are painted at least.

I'm thinking about going out for a makeover / makeup lesson. I have a lot to learn about presentation, and I think that would be fun, and help. Next time I go out shopping, I'm going en femme.

Hey, I'm really not agoraphobic. I talked to my therapist about this, and really, the weekend I thought I was, I was just having plain old ordinary panic attacks. That stuff will really screw up your thinking though. I've gone out a bunch of times in guy mode since then, it's been fine. (My medicine finally kicked in, thank god for Buspar.)

[mary something]

Okay I'm glad that the panic attacks presenting as agoraphobia is not an issue right now.

As for relationship and communication skills, I'm not sure the book matters as much as the execution. First focus on recognizing the emotional wall that you have slowly and unconsciously built from earliest childhood. It's difficult to recognise the forest from the trees sometimes. The defense mechanisms that you have learned up to this point in your life do not work well, that is why you are feeling so much despair at times. Until you are able to become aware of how your ego protects your identity then it will be very difficult to really connect and communicate with others authentically. You will be in the loneliest place imagineable, it will feel like you're stranded at sea and water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink. As these feelings build over time you will reach a point like where you were a week or two ago, and it will overwhelm you and cause damage to the relationships that matter the most to you.

Gender issues are separate but also connected to this and played a part in you eventually sitting in that car unable to go into the store and buy a memory card without being dressed. You have to work on both issues simultaneously to really heal yourself.

http://www.motherservice.org/Essays/...ercome_ego.htm

This is how you start to dismantle the emotional wall that is killing you, it is necessary to start here when developing communication and relationship skills. Start with the relationship to yourself. Then we will branch out to other people. print this article out and read it every day. Relationship skills and communication skills are useless without first starting here. The greater extent that you are able to practice this the easier it will be to work on the gender stuff.

As for gender issues, I really think you should go get your ears pierced ASAP! If you can declare yourself a woman and TS, then it is simply a trivial manner to go ahead and do this. I really think it will help make the gender feelings subside for a while, and really would like for you to go ahead and do it please.

I understand that you are feeling better now. Nothing has changed except you have released some of the internal pressure onto your environment and the meds have helped some. Do not lose your motivation now that you are feeling a little bit better the goal is not to ever be there again. I want for you to be happy and peacefull inside.

[arbon]

Hi Paula,

You look nice in your avatar

Ear piercing - you'll love it!

[MysticLady]

Hello Paula

I just wanted to put a bug in your ear. You look wonderful. I don't see a need for your bad feelings at all. I truly admire your courage in posting a picture of yourself for all of us to finally see you and appreciate you w/ our sense of sight. I see your a person of courage in moving forward and I'm well pleased w/ you.
Plus I love it when I can see who my friends are

[mary something]

Yes I LOVE the pic too! So sorry that I hadn't mentioned that yet! Was all caught up in my own head lol

[PaulaQ]

Hey Mary, I talked with my wife about piercing my ears, and she kinda freaked out. It's a small thing, so I'll give her a little more time to adjust. Her feeling is this will be noticeable in our tiny redneck town. I don't really care, but it isn't worth a big fight. I've told her I'll do it anyway, after I come out to our kids.

In the meantime, I'll start electrolysis, and possibly voice coaching. I'm also going to go out more as Paula, and try to befriend some of the girls in my TG group.

My wife and I have a bunch of relationship and especially financial stuff to sort out. So I'm picking my fights.

[laurie01]

I had my ears pierced 15 years ago and no one notices. I would say get them pierced and if your around a group of people you feel uneasy then just take the studs out. As far as making a transition goes, 3 things should be done first before any hrt. Remove any facial hair, develop a female voice and have a tracheal shave which is usually needed. The facial hair removal will take a while whether one uses laser or electrolysis. During that time good to work on a female voice which both take about almost a year. The hardest part of transition is not being passible. This usually happens during the middle of transition. Doing these 3 things before hand will eliminate most of the middle of transition. I myself am unsure of full transition but I am doing these 3 things right now to get them out of the way and I could still be in boy mode without a problem if I want. Its just a thought Paula.

[PaulaQ]

Thanks Laurie, I know the objection to piercing my ears is silly. My wife is struggling with me being trans, but us really doing pretty well. It ain't worth fighting over. I'm not really concerned who does or doesn't know. I'm tired of lying about who I am. I'll do it a while longer for my wife.

Sounds like my first two priorities (Facial hair and voice) are right though.

[TeresaCD]

Picking your battles - wise move.
Love hearing how you are getting on, growing and moving forward!

[mary something]

thanks for the update Paula! Don't worry about the earring thing, it wasn't a test or anything like that, but an opportunity to maybe become a little bit more self-aware of the forces that are acting upon you right now that can be hard to discern while you are in conflict with yourself internally. Most importantly are you journaling your feelings and trying to avoid any analysis or conclusions? If not then START RIGHT NOW. The more self awareness you can learn right now the easier all of this will be to navigate. You need to learn the habit of separating your feelings from your identity and ego as soon as possible to do this.

Ask yourself why it is easier to come out to your wife as an emergent transsexual, to tell her that you are a woman and not a man, than it is to go and get your ears pierced without asking for her permission? Does she need permission from you to change her earrings or get her ears pierced? I'm NOT judging you here at all, I would have done the exact same thing, and probably did in my first marriage. Being able to answer this question while being completely honest with yourself is a clue to more self awareness right now.

If you are familiar with the common threads on the crossdresser forums here then you'll occasionally see a thread started by a curious SO that is a gg. If they are here trying to gather information they'll give a short description of themselves and the relationship. Then ask advice from the members usually in a way that pertains to making the relationship stronger and eliminating deception, lies, and confrontation that occurs when this issue is brought into focus.

What is the most common reply that many of the cd'ers will say to a wife or gf? They will say there is nothing wrong with boundaries, boundaries and firm rules will save your relationship, tell him what he can and can't do and you'll both be much happier for it.
ed s
I have never really identified with that sentiment becuase I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm being treated like a child. You'll see them using the analogy to a kid in a candy store and pink fog a lot. Pink fog means they aren't responsible for their actions and need someone to reign them in, and maybe that's true for them.

Are you unintentionally setting that dynamic up with your wife? You can't transition while acting like a crossdresser. The more self-awareness you can get about what you need the better able you will be to manage yourself and experience the least amount of pain necessary going through this process.

For example in my life I'm about to start hrt soon. I've read many, many accounts of the potential problems that this can cause for SO's in a relationship when physical changes occur. I've done everything I can to allow my SO to already adjust to some of these changes beforehand so that it will be less hitting her all at once later. One of these changes is skin texture softening. For the last 6 months I have been moisturing all the time, at least 3 times daily. My hands and arms are as soft as hers, so is my face. It happened so gradually that neither one of us noticed it until it was quite apparent. Then when I bring up hrt and mention that one effect might be softer skin she says "that's cool, your skin is already really soft and I like that". I've tried to do the same thing with smell because I know hrt will alter my body scent. I know I'm not the type of woman that's gonna be comfortable with anyone, including myself, smelling the stank of the day, you know? For at least the last year I have used philosophy body lotion (pure grace) and that is what I smell like all the time. When I wear a scent on top it's either Aqua di gio (spelling?) or Calvin Klein Euphoria. Sure hrt will make some additional changes for my scent but when I mentioned to my SO that my body scent may change somewhat from hrt she was fine with it cause she likes how I smell now and never smells my bo anyway.

The point is that people are only capable of processing change at a slow pace. The more you can manage and plan out your transition by self-navigating yourself the easier it will be.

I think I read that you're an engineer on another thread, that is excellent because it means you have an analytical mind that is great at logical problem solving. You need to tame it and make it work for you though. You are a body in motion, but because you are experiencing an internal conflict that cannot be ignored you have experienced a lot of distress lately. You need to first know what vectors are acting upon you (build self awareness). Then we need to know the viscosity of the medium you are traveling though (how much resistance from your environment you will face). What can be done to alter your aerodynamics to fly more smoothly (how will you manage yourself, like a crossdresser or like a transitioner?). Then you need to chart your course (confirm your identity through experience to build confidence in your goal, pay attention to the sisters that have done this before you and try to avoid their mistakes).

I have come out to two SO's so far. I can tell you from experience it is much easier for a SO to accept that you maybe are transsexual if you already smell like a girl, wear feminine jewelry occasionally, have your ears pierced, etc. The severity of their reaction has a lot to do with how "male" your presentation is compared to what they consider a "feminine" presentation. And wives generally will put up with a crossdresser but a transsexual not so much anyway.

Most important right now, how did it make you feel being asked to get your ears pierced? This is not a tranny test, no wrong answers, just a chance to understand yourself better that is all

[DaniG]

Paula, I agree with picking your battles. I'm working on this balance right now myself, as you well know.

However, when I get mine done, I plan on wearing clear plastic posts when in drab.

Clear Posts at Amazon.com

Then nobody will notice for sure - until I'm ready, that is.

[PaulaQ]

@Mary

Re: how'd it make me feel to ask to get my ears pierced?

Actually, I thought it was a fabulous idea. I'm not ashamed or afraid of what others may think, except for my wife. I'm trying to give her some time to adjust. I have a faint hope we'll somehow survive this. It isn't likely, but she is trying HARD to come to terms with the idea that I'm becoming a woman. (I haven't yet disabused her of that misconception, I AM A WOMAN, my body needs to be made congruent with my gender.)

Which brings me too:

Re: why did you need her permission, does she need yours?

My wife changed her hair style completely this week. I like it, but she didn't consult me of course.

So why am I ceding control of my earlobes to her? Because while some will notice me with earrings, it isn't that weird anymore, and she's being silly. One of the big things that is bothering her, we've talked about this, and it comes down to her wanting to feel in control of the situation to some extent. She is 100% dependent on me, and I'm changing rapidly. This totally freaks her out.

This is why she's outed me to a bunch if people, but worries when I out myself. (I've outed myself to 4 people, way fewer than her.) I believe she wants to feel some control over this. She knows she can't stop it - I've been clear and firm on this. It is transition or death.

But if I can give her a feeling of a little control over life, well, I think its helping her. We went shopping together for the first time today. She helped me pick some clip on earrings, and we bought handbags together. She used my name for the first time today. These are big steps.

For my part, I've made it clear that as I transition, we are going to get her career started again, and get some financial stuff in order so that if we reach a point where we must be apart, she'll be in enough control of her life to be able to do that, and not completely depend on me. I fully intend to help here, and I hope we don't part, but we probably will, so as I transition, she needs to gain back control over her own destiny. That is ultimately the only control that will make her feel better. I've made this clear to her too.

Transition is a selfish process. I will ultimately reach a point where compromise is impossible. My body will change, I'll live as a woman 24/7, my name will change, I'll have surgeries of various sorts. These things are not up for compromise. The further I go, the LESS I'll even be able to compromise.

But for now, I try to work together with her. Heck, right now I'm still working on my plan. It'll change, but I need one anyway.

I have made it clear that while I'm trying to work with her to give her time to find acceptance, that if my GD worsens, I will do what I must to control it. If that means HRT sooner than she's ready for, that's the breaks.

I'm hoping that she'll begin to feel invested in this process, she'll see good things happen to me, and at the same time, good things will happen to her. This type of partnership has been a hallmark of our marriage at its best. It may not happen - its a stretch - but it is worth a try.

The lotion idea is great, I'll do that.

And I'll start journaling. Mea culpa, too many forum posts...

[Rianna Humble]

I'd like to pick up on the idea of transition being selfish, I know just about everyone here has accepted that nonsense at one point or another.

Is it selfish to adjust your life so that you can continue to be a caring, fully functioning, productive member of Society?

Would it truly be less selfish to take your life and leave your dependants to grieve and constantly ask themselves how they could have prevented it and how they will cope now that you are no longer there?

Is it more selfish to plan for a future with your family still somewhere around or to plan for a future where you are no longer there for your family?

Is it more caring to say to your wife "Let's plan for the future" or "There is no future, I will leave you bereft"? There are verbal and non-verbal ways of saying this.

[TeresaCD]

All this shows, Paula, how much you care for your wife, wanting to make this as easy as you can.
In the mean time also planning for the future, patiently.
Hang in there, love.

[PaulaQ]

Rianna, I don't mean that I feel guilt over transitioning - you are correct, the alternative of suicide is vastly more selfish and damaging to my wife and especially my kids. (Children of a parent who commits suicide are vastly more likely to co,MIT suicide themselves.)

But ultimately, my transition is all about me. There's little or no room for compromise. No one in my family can possibly understand what I'm going through, or why. None of them will welcome this - it will impose on them in many ways and be an unwelcome change.

It's selfish. It just beats the only other alternative. The selfishness is hard, but I've done a lot for everyone in my life. I put myself last many many times, especially for my family. Just not this time. I feel no guilt. I feel no shame. I hate the pain this causes others, but I didn't ask for this, and the pain of my death would be worse.

This time, this once, it is all about me. It has to be. I'll become a different person, not unlike being a teen again. Teens are mostly self centered and selfish.

And that's OK - sometimes it is what you have to do.

[Angela Campbell]

You cannot look after or take care of others until you can look after and take care of yourself. This is not being selfish it is preparation. I spent my life taking care of others. Now all of them except for one no longer needs that so I will do what I have to do for me. It is time.

[mary something]

Paula it sounds like you have really been planning out your physical transition, and I think that you can accomplish your goals as long as you also don't overlook your mental transition to womanhood. I hope I don't sound too harsh, please remember that anything I point out is simply mistakes that I have probably made before, I'm trying to be helpful in any criticism.

In my limited opinion the most difficult task of transition isn't the physical aspect because with enough money, pain tolerance, patience, and time it is amazing how much a body can be changed from one sex to another. However just like how our bodies have masculinized over the years since our childhood our consciousness has also because we have not been socialized correctly to our gender. Our entire life most of us have been forced to figure out how to navigate ourselves in the world of men, with varying levels of success. There is an unwritten social code that men and women are expected to follow, and it is different for each sex. This social code is reinforced many, many times over our lifetime in every social experience we have with another person. If you are to successfully transition from male to female you need to reintegrate yourself to the new rules under which you will live the rest of your life and the best time to start is right now.

It is much more difficult to change our thoughts and feelings than it is to change our bodies. We can find evidence of this for example with weight loss or gain. It is not uncommon for someone who loses a large amount of weight in a short time to find that their mental image of themselves takes longer to adjust than their body was able to change. I have been asking you to journal specifically for this reason, and that is why it is so important. It will affect your passability and ability to integrate into women's spaces just as much as any physical changes or more.

The challenge is to transition the way a woman would and not the way a man would. If you declare to the world that you are transsexual then you are telling them that you are a woman and your body is wrong. It is for this very reason that you act as much like a woman as possible to get as much credibility as you can. Women aren't born they are made from little girls who grow up wanting to become like the women they emulate. You were denied this opportunity and instead had to learn to survive as a man in the world of men. You have to unlearn much and relearn what will be important as a woman. You have a wonderful resource right in front of you that you can use to demasculinize your conscious thoughts and learn how to think more like a woman and that is your wife.

Imagine how differently your last entry would have been written if it was composed by your wife who was wanting to transition and was explaining how she was navigating the issue with you, her husband. That is what you need to emulate until it becomes second nature. You need to resocialize yourself and teach yourself what you have missed out on for the last 50 odd years of learning how to be a woman in our society. It isn't easy.

Buddha said that before you can walk a path you must become that path. That is exactly the point I am making here. You have been forced to walk the path of men since childhood by forces that are out of your control, and part of you has become like the path you have traveled. It is very important to be able to realize this to achieve the self-actualization that will heal yourself. You need to discuss matters concerning transition with your wife as HER WIFE if you want her to believe that you are truly a woman inside. If she really believes that you are a woman then she will understand why you need to transition without very much effort on you part, but that is still no guarantee that she will want to stay with you. If you continue to create the dynamic that is familiar to crossdressers (read MEN), then you will experience more pain until you learn how to walk the path of transition more effectively.

There is nothing selfish about transitioning, but one can transition in a selfish manner. If you are truly transsexual and this is what you need then how can anyone truly blame you for accepting medical treatment for a condition that causes you distress? Please remember though that if you do want to walk the transsexual path then you need to strip away all male thought patterns, habits, and identities to fully do so. Starting now you are auditioning for the role of wife to your wife, if you want the relationship to continue then that is the only way it is possible.

We pay much attention to demasculinizing and feminizing our bodies but do not let that be the entire focus of your endeavor, it is just as important to demasculinize and feminize your consciousness to match your gender identity to fully enter the world of women.

[PaulaQ]

I'm very concerned about my inner qualities as a woman.

Apparently, though, I have to carry my wife along, and get her self-sufficient while trying to slog through my gender dysphoria.
To her mind, I have NO CONTROL over my own body. None.

I'm going to have to leave her to transition, it is just a question of unwinding stuff enough so that it isn't an unmitigated disaster for either of us. There is no possible hope she'll be able to accept this well enough to be anything but a gigantica hindrance to me. I'm sorry she is so sad her marriage is ending - hey, mine is too!

I'll hang in long enough to give her some emotional and financial support, and to get my son married. At least that's the plan - if I can hold out that long. (After October, when my son's married.) It'll take me that long to really get my act together and find someplace else to live anyway.

I'm expecting ZERO support on this end, except for sort of pep talks from someone (my wife) who can't be bothered to have a clue about what I'm going through.

[mary something]

keep going to therapy, if you are able to form a good working relationship with your therapist things will be easier.

[KellyJameson]

Paula, that was a very interesting choice of words you used.

What do you mean by " Inner qualities as a woman" ?

[laurawulff]

One way or another we are limited with the heteronormality...womens wear dresses, men wear suits...that's the law, but it's a stupid law and we should follow our hearts and souls...remember we live and die with ourselves

[PaulaQ]

What do you mean by " Inner qualities as a woman" ?

I want to love, and nurture, and care the way women do. I want to express these things, and all the other things women express. I'm tired of being an emotionless male robot. (Albeit a really funny one.) I want people to know I love them through my actions. I want to do the things the women in my life who I've admired have done to show love. Maybe I can even stop being so friggin' logical, and follow my heart once and a while.

That's what I mean.

[mary something]

start doing all those things now Paula. No one is stopping you except yourself. I am not trying to anger you by saying this but I feel it needs to be said. Are you playing out your internal battle for self-acceptance through your relationship with your spouse right now?

Transition freaks wives out. The less said about it the better with her. Good luck!

[PaulaQ]

I am trying to do those things Mary.

My wife wants to be in control of my transition. I can't have that.

I'm trying to assuage her , in part because i'd hoped we could somehow get through this together. I realize that won't happen. So the other reason to assuage her is survival. I could end up homeless pretty easily. I need to get some shit in order, and get the he'll out of here. My finances are complex, so it will take some time. Ironically, I need to help my wife 'transition' back to being self-supporting. Once I can get this stuff settled, even partially, and have someplace to go, I gotta get out of here. There is no future for me here.