Considering Transition

[mary something]

of course she does, she is probably as scared as she has ever felt in her entire life right now. Do not use the words transition, hrt, srs, transsexual, or the like with her if you want to have a semi-rational conversation with her right now. Any mention of your goals will push her emotional fear buttons and her ability to think logically will be severely compromised. If you have feelings and thoughts that have to be expressed that would be a perfect time to pull out your journal...

3/4 of divorces in this country are filed by women. You have given this control to her by your past actions, do not be angry at her when she tries to use it. Do not push her too hard assuming that she is completely dependent upon you Paula, she might surprise you.

Of course your wife wants to be in control of your transition, you have given her that control Paula in the ways that I have described in previous posts. Do not assume that she will always feel dependent upon you being in her life. 75% of the divorces filed in this country are by women. Separating amicably would be very advantageous to your goals compared to the alternatives. It sounds like you have already been outed to at least 10 people and you mentioned you live in a redneck town. How would a family court judge treat a situation such as yours if your wife is vindicative towards you for ruining her marriage?

You need to realize that every time you talk about transition, hrt, srs, being a woman, etc it is pushing her emotional fear button. She will be less able to think rationally when feeling extreme fear, and don't kid yourself that she isn't. That is exactly what anyone feels when they think their future is crumbling away. Do not allow yourself to rationalize that you are both feeling the same emotion about your marriage ending because if you do the consequences could be more than you imagine right now.

If the idea of transitioning is so strong that you simply have to discuss it then pull your journal out or use this board. Talking about it with your wife is not a good choice right now.

[mary something]

that is good advice that Marleena is offering about the gender therapist. I do however think that the meds are good idea right now, comparing your posts from before and after seems that they are helping you deal with the extreme stress you are feeling. Perhaps you could also see the therapist that you had a couple years ago also? They know you and can also be helpful because there are more issues at play than just gender right now I feel.

[KellyJameson]

I want to love, and nurture, and care the way women do. I want to express these things, and all the other things women express. I'm tired of being an emotionless male robot. (Albeit a really funny one.) I want people to know I love them through my actions. I want to do the things the women in my life who I've admired have done to show love. Maybe I can even stop being so friggin' logical, and follow my heart once and a while.

That's what I mean.

This is where transitioning gets dangerous and why therapy and RLE is critical.

You are describing natural emotional expressions universally available to anyone regardless of gender or sex.

You want to be very sure that social conditioning has not repressed your natural emotional expression so you could live up to socially defined gender roles.

Being able to love and nurture has nothing to do with gender or sex and everything to do with being human.

You do not want to make the mistake of hiding behind a skirt just to be able to love and care for others.

In my opinion transitioning is an extremely personal act that ultimately has nothing to do with others.

Yes, living your actual gender does make life easier but you do it because you will never be given any peace until you do. It has F..k all to do with loving others unless you mean sexual love.

Transitioning should not be a way to avoid challenging or escaping sick social norms that result in children or adults not being able to show love because of their body.

Being seen as you know yourself to be is extremely important but being an emotional robot comes from being emotionally repressed by others so you fear the consequences of showing emotion.

You are trying to avoid emotional vulnerability by breaking the cultural customs you have been taught about how you should act as a "man" so you are seeking to escape this through transitioning.

If you transition for the wrong reasons you will actually create inside yourself the very thing transsexuals transition to escape from. You will immerse yourself into GD

It is possible you have repressed because of repressed gender identity so you emotionally shut down to survive but I urge you to move very slowly because what you describe may have nothing to do with gender and everything to do with the socially sick way men are raised in western culture which is completely abnormal to being and living as a human being.

It really does not surprise me that men are violent when you see how they contort themselves into unnatural shapes to be accepted. I have only recently come to understand the reasons behind this behavior.

I believe what you described is one of the driving forces behind crossdressing so those who crossdress can give themselves permission to "feel" because they have been so severely damaged by the sick expectations imposed on them by the environment they grew up in.

I have referred to crossdressing as a form of therapy for this reason in the past.

I could see how it was being used to escape something in the self to become whole by becoming that which they were not to than be able to give themselves permission to act in ways that did not violate their internalized image of masculinity that was socially constructed and adopted by them.

This will lead to all kinds of tragedy if you mistake emotional repression for gender identity conflict

It is a chicken or egg problem of what came first. Are you emotionally repressing because of not living in alignment with your body or are you running into another gender to escape past violations to your actual gender.

Please work with a therapist because you are holding your life in your hands

It is vital that you understand gender identity because if you transition into an identity that is not truly a reflection of you it will end in tragedy.

You will violate your subconscious internalized image of self.

[ReineD]

What is the most common reply that many of the cd'ers will say to a wife or gf? They will say there is nothing wrong with boundaries, boundaries and firm rules will save your relationship, tell him what he can and can't do and you'll both be much happier for it.

This is sage advice if a crossdresser wants to stay married to a wife that he loves, but it will not help if their marriage is not strong and he wants out in order to be free to dress. Also, it is obviously not good advice to give to someone who is transsexual simply because it ignores the fact that transition is imminent.

I have never really identified with that sentiment becuase I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm being treated like a child. You'll see them using the analogy to a kid in a candy store and pink fog a lot.

Pink fog means they aren't responsible for their actions and need someone to reign them in, and maybe that's true for them.

No. Pink fog means they are rationalizing and deluding themselves into thinking that something is true, which they will discover when the mystique of it all has ended that it was not true. An example is believing they pass at very close range (when interacting with someone) when dressed, and their male selves are unrecognizable to others who know them well. Another is believing they are attracted to men and such men are attracted to them as women, only to realize when they're actually with a man that the feminine aura dissipates when everyone is naked and they are turned off the idea of two male-bodied individuals having sex, together with a realization that the man is in fact attracted to the one body part that GGs don't have. Another example is having an unrealistic view of life as a woman with a belief they will be much happier when their marriages are ended because they will be free, only to realize several years down the road that they will not be treated by others much differently than they are now (and perhaps even worse if they are not stealth) and they will regret having ended a relationship with someone they love.

THAT is Pink Fog as it is experienced by individuals who are not true transsexuals. So the advice given the crossdressers on the CD side of the forum, to take it slowly and come up with compromises until the wife has caught up with her understanding of the CDing and the CDer's feet have touched the ground again, is good advice.

I have come out to two SO's so far. I can tell you from experience it is much easier for a SO to accept that you maybe are transsexual if you already smell like a girl, wear feminine jewelry occasionally, have your ears pierced, etc. The severity of their reaction has a lot to do with how "male" your presentation is compared to what they consider a "feminine" presentation. And wives generally will put up with a crossdresser but a transsexual not so much anyway.

It's true that wives can accept the CDing more easily than transsexualism, simply because they (most) are hetero and they do not want to be married to women. The wives who can and do stay married to a spouse through a transition (and I mean a full transition) are rare gems indeed.

But it's definitely NOT true that a wife will be able to accept her husband's transsexualism if he already smells like a girl, has long hair, has pierced ears, and wears occasional jewelry. None of these things define womanhood since many males adopt those fashions, and if a wife is hetero and accepts all of these things it is because she sees her husband as a man who will remain a man and not be on his way to becoming a woman. Believe me, most hetero wives leave their marriages when they see evidence of a real transition vs, mere changes in cosmetic styles.

Also, I suspect it is the rare wife who, like me, is able to see her partner as having a combined gender of his/her own that is neither purely male nor purely female.

[PaulaQ]

I think you are largely spot on Reine.

I am going to go shopping for a new therapist. Mine doesn't believe in "the letter." Now if I can just find an endocrinologist who doesn't believe in "the letter." Oh wait...

As for my wife, she's trying. She really is, in her own, selfish self-centered little way. I don't mean to minimize her problems:
1. her marriage is on the rocks
2. her husband is "dying"
3. she's having to transition back to being self-supporting, after not working for a decade

These are bad problems. They are hard problems. I sympathize with them. My problems:
1. my marriage is on the rocks
2. I'm transsexual, and having a massive emotional crisis. I may not make it out of this alive. No bullshit.
3. I am in one of the WORST POSSIBLE PLACES in the continental US to transition. I'm serious about the not making it out alive crack.
4. I'm trying to transition with a spouse who's largely unsupportive. She's trying. She's just failing right now mostly.

My problems are leading me to fight for my life. My wife's problems are just making her real damn sad.

Despite that, my solution is to work on her problems first, and put mine on hold as much as I can, until I can get the hell out of here.

I am going to have a frank talk with her about what we're doing. I wonder if I am even remotely meeting *any* of her needs. Because she is not meeting many of mine. And I am tired of the continual rejection.

So I'll work on my wife's "transition" to the path of self-sufficiency (BTW, I never asked her to quit work), while figuring out where in the hell to live, and then I'll work on mine.

My wife is maybe a year or two from accepting my CDing. This is really tough for her. She's really trying - but it's hard to watch the absolute revulsion she exhibits when I even try to talk to her about my feelings. I am so far being being a CD, that I see NO possibility of being able to transition in the same place as her. I already feel like Frankenstein's monster in my male mode. Thanks to the loving and continual rejection from my wife, I'm starting to feel that way about being Paula too. ("I saw your silohouette while dressed - but I didn't totally freak out"). Jesus H Christ, it's like I'm something out of a horror movie. Hint: Feeling negative about both male me, and female me is probably a death sentence.

Maybe I'll get through this alive. Maybe. I'm sure I'll be a nice person on the way out, though, no matter what. I always am.

If you are wondering about my mood, I was cheering today when the weather radio warned me of a tornado watch for my county. I screamed at the heavens "COME AND GET ME YOU ****ER! BRING IT!!!!" (My wife was out at the time. As long as mayhem finds me, and not her, I'd be content with it.) I'm not sure whether or not the almighty responds well to prayers of that sort.

@KellyJameson - You mean you haven't already figured out that this story has a sad ending yet? Really? C'mon - you are WAAAAY smarter than that! My life is a comedy - but quite clearly, God has a BLACK sense of humor. Don't expect dry eyes on this one!

I am really really sure I have gender dysphoria. I HATE BEING A ****ING MALE GODDAMMIT! I HATE MY BODY. I HATE EVERY MALE CHARACTERISTIC I HAVE!

As for going slowly - I'm still on square one. Stalled between an indecisive medical establishment, and I wife who I've nutured and encouraged to grow personally in every way imaginable, but who needs me to stay statically in a form that I despise with a burning, incandescent passion.

@mods - sorry. Being honest here. It's not nice. Edit to your heart's content.

[mary something]

thanks for addressing pink fog as it applies to crossdressers from the perspective of a gg Reine. I do not disagree with what you say however that term smacks of male privilige to me and it always has. Since cross dressers identify as male I suppose is why it has always left that impression on me, especially when other xdressers will typically implore someone to excuse behavior by saying something like "oh, it's just pink fog" or "watch out for pink fog". But that is my perspective only and I certainly can't speak for xdressers and what they experience.

As for the cosmetic changes the point I was trying to make wasn't that any of those those things make someone a woman or a man. But they are expressions of gender typically. In Kelly's post she raises some very serious concerns that I too share for Paula. In my limited opinion I think that Paula needs to get as much experience as possible expressing her gender, and until body changes are quicker than they are now those things I mentioned will have to suffice. However once the tranny grenade has exploded in a relationship it is not uncommon for the wife to take a firm stance against any type of future gender expression or changes. Hence how the ear piercings were a no go.

When the SO clamps down and takes a hard stance against someone experiencing what Paula is that makes them want to run either over or away from the person who loves them because that expression of love is what they perceive as killing them.

I was simply trying to encourage her to not limit the opportunities that she does have to experiment with her physical gender expression before ending her marriage.

I don't think Paula is a xdresser, but I think her energy could be better used on planning her transition and more practice expressing her desired gender role than fighting with her wife and the frustration it causes her. My advice has been geared towards reducing her anxiety levels and creating an environment in her relationship where her focus can be on herself and what she needs without her wife trying to stop it.

And one last time, PAULA STOP TALKING TO YOUR WIFE ABOUT TRANSITIONING! It is not fair to accuse her of being unsupportive because she isn't your cheerleader about this.

[ReineD]

thanks for addressing pink fog as it applies to crossdressers from the perspective of a gg Reine. I do not disagree with what you say however that term smacks of male privilige to me and it always has. Since cross dressers identify as male I suppose is why it has always left that impression on me, especially when other xdressers will typically implore someone to excuse behavior by saying something like "oh, it's just pink fog" or "watch out for pink fog". But that is my perspective only and I certainly can't speak for xdressers and what they experience.

The truth is, alternative gender identity or a male's need to present as a woman can be scary for many individuals depending on how they were raised and in what type of environment, plus the potential level of acceptance or non-acceptance among their spouses, family, friends, and in their work environment. There are many CDers for whom it is a great deal more than just dressing for fetish, who will still insist they are male. These are people who can only believe in the binary concept of gender, namely that there are males, females and nothing in between. There are other people who loosely describe themselves as TG but whom the rest of the world see as "CD". In other words, there are tons of people who are not level V or level VI TS and who accept the term "CD" for themselves, just as there are non-level V & VI TSs who accept the term "TS" for themselves. ... we actually need more terms to describe all these levels, instead of trying to put everyone in either one of the two major categories for the purpose of communication.

So the statement that these individuals are like men who do not feel any need for cross-sex expression is false ... even if for many years, such individuals insist they are purely male-gendered.

Oh, and transsexuals do not go through a pink fog stage. They really do mean it when they say they are going to transition.

In my limited opinion I think that Paula needs to get as much experience as possible expressing her gender, and until body changes are quicker than they are now those things I mentioned will have to suffice. However once the tranny grenade has exploded in a relationship it is not uncommon for the wife to take a firm stance against any type of future gender expression or changes. Hence how the ear piercings were a no go.

I agree that Paula needs relief in terms of self-expression, but I think it is wrong to say that a wife will more easily accept transsexualism if she inures herself to the concept of the CDing. I also think it is wrong for level V or level VI transsexuals to pass themselves off as a CDer. This only attempts to avoid the inevitable and it can cause undue stress in the relationship in the meantime.

[PaulaQ]

My wife isn't even accepting of CDing. I think this is likely months or years away before she is.

I wouldn't say that I tried to "pass myself off" as a CD. I told her, straight up, "I'm transgendered." Lots of folks on the forums here told me "don't use the scary word 'transgendered'.) But I did. I told her that I couldn't promise where this would go - that I might transition. I did tell her I'd explore every way to avoid this.

Isn't happening, and for what it's worth, she didn't believe it for a second anyway. I'd hoped it was true - because being TS sucks.

[ReineD]

Paula, these are your choices. You either are:

1. A woman who was born with the birth defect of male anatomy, which will need to be corrected through full transition and living full time as a female in order for you to be happy. If this is who you are, there is no point telling your wife anything that is different than this.

2. A man who is either a non-sexual or sexual fetish CDer. This doesn't seem to describe you.

3. A person who is outside of the cis-male/cis-female binary, who dearly would love to be free to express herself unfettered, but who at the same time will not go through SRS and who ultimately would not be happy in the long-term as a woman post-SRS. Some, not all, MtFs who fit in this category would fundamentally be happy just presenting as an fully feminine and pretty male, however this is difficult in a world that does not understand the concept of non-binary gender. So the easiest way to approach this is to construct a creative life of switching back and forth at will, depending on the prevailing mood of the moment. And yes, this does require a willing and supportive spouse. If you do fall in this category, then you should not tell your spouse that you are TS and you seek transition, and the not-telling should be the truth.

You need to make sure that above all, you tell your wife your inner-truth.

EDIT - Looking back at your older post, your need to be compassionate, nurturing, and expressing love to others, I'd like to echo Kelly and say this falls in the spectrum of human emotion and it has nothing to do with gender expression. Hopefully your personality does not change depending on what clothes you are wearing.

[mary something]

that is wonderful commentary Reine and I would love to have a discussion about it, perhaps in another thread? Paula is having some extreme issues and dealing with overwhelming anxiety right now while contemplating life changing decisions. I'm more focused on trying to help her deal with her situation today than discussing the philosophical aspects of gender in this thread.

[Ann Louise]

PaulaQ, you were in pretty ragged emotional shape when you OP'd this thread, and since then it's taken quite a few twists and turns. Are you feeling better about things, maybe getting some course mapped out?

[mary something]

You need to make sure that above all, you tell your wife your inner-truth.

Paula has said many, many times in this thread that she has told her wife exactly what she wants, she mentioned pages ago that her wife knew only transition would satisfy her. The problem isn't that Paula isn't telling her truth to her wife, the problem is that her wife isn't giving her the reaction that she wants to hear and that their situation complicates the ability for Paula to do what she desperately wants to do RIGHT NOW and that is transition.

Perhaps I am reading Paula's posts incorrectly but it is her wife's REACTION to her truth that is so distressing. Paula seems very capable of understanding what her needs are and what she should do to feel better. Matter of fact she clearly stated " I'm transsexual, and having a massive emotional crisis. I may not make it out of this alive. No bullshit." on this very page. I suppose there are different ways of reading that statement, I certainly do not claim a stranglehold on truth, so lets just ask Paula to see.

Paula, if your wife told you that she fully accepted your needs to transition and would be your ally and supporter would that relieve the distress you are feeling right now?

And also I think it is a great thing that you were able to make that post earlier where you could get some of those feelings out. This is a much better place to vent than to your wife right now. Putting thoughts into words and releasing them has an amazing cathartic effect, it is worse to hold those feelings in without expressing them. Remember a few days ago Paula when I quoted you stating that it is very difficult for you to express your feelings and that you would soldier on to the end? KEEP WRITING HOW YOU FEEL, keep letting those emotions out because it will help you feel better. No one here is judging you that has experienced what it is like to have a gender crisis.

I am simply basing my opinion that it was cathartic for Paula to vent those feelings because if you read her posts between 4:49 and an hour later she went from what I would describe as very distressed and predicting her possible demise over her TS feelings to saying being TS sucks. That is a significant difference in the right direction. Keep doing whatever it is you did in that time span because it is working Paula.

[PaulaQ]

Paula, if your wife told you that she fully accepted your needs to transition and would be your ally and supporter would that relieve the distress you are feeling right now?

my wife has said she wants to help me heal and be a whole person. The problem isn't what she says, it's what she does:
1. Rejects and is repulsed by me in female attire
2. Terrified that I won't meet her needs sexually
3. Wants to stop any changes I make
4. Wants to control who I tell, and when I tell, but she can tell whoever she feels like, without consulting me, and if it goes badly she'll lie
5. Wants physical intimacy only on her terms, rejects me most of the rest of the time (I'm talking just touching)
6. Wants to have sex with me mostly because she needs it, because she will feel terrible if she has an affair. She actually told me this, after we'd had sex the other night!!!
7. She is way more worried about herself than she is about me.

Look she is trying but she ain't close to being ready for this. Sucks, but thems the breaks.

[Ann Louise]

Paula, I've been married four times (count 'em), and I loved each and every one of them in their own way. The particulars of the three failures are other stories, except to say that my latent transsexualism was fundamental to them all. Dear, regardless, in my experience I've found that when it's not right, it's not right. Ann

[mary something]

Those are some significant issues Paula, I can imagine how distressing that must feel because that describes my previous marriage. I got divorced and now a few years later am about to start hrt.

Your wife saying that she wants to help you heal and be a whole person is not the same as her saying "I fully support your transition and will be your ally and supporter".

She says one thing and yet her actions don't add up, correct?

Is it fair to say that it is her putting roadblocks up to you getting what you know that you need that is causing the distress you are feeling? Does it make it seem like it won't be attainable or that the wait will be almost unbearable?

If that is true then the issue is about control. You cannot make her do anything, she cannot make you do anything. The more everyone tries the more miserable everyone will be. The next time this discussion comes up between the two of you try communicating that it is about control and avoid talking about TS issues if possible because that will only push both of your buttons. She does not have to ask if she changes her hair style or gets her ears pierced then why should you be controlled by her on those same issues? As Reine mentioned, none of those things make you a woman OR a man. Be calm and try to get your wife to understand that she is applying different rules to the two of you and that it is unacceptable and that you really wish she could see that.

Remember when you said that the idea of piercing your ears sounded wonderful? I really think if you were able to express yourself just a little bit it would help you feel better.

[Rogina B]

Remember when you said that the idea of piercing your ears sounded wonderful? I really think if you were able to express yourself just a little bit it would help you feel better.

I believe that there are a whole lot of little steps that need to be explored before "blowing up the world". I believe I said just that at the beginning of all of this. Drama plays on drama and cheerleading isn't always best. Paula has lots of smaller issues to clean up before taking on a big one.My opinion only,but this situation isn't new to this forum.

[DaniG]

Hopefully your personality does not change depending on what clothes you are wearing.

Why do you say this, Reine? What does this indicate to you?

[PaulaQ]

I got a text from my brother-in-law this evening:

Hey "S", I just wanted to tell you how much I love you and you're welcome to talk to me anytime you need.

Gosh! What could that have been about?!?

I call him back, and yep, my wife had told him, a couple of days before. She'd asked if I'd be OK with this - after she'd done it.

So we hashed it out. I pointed out that I didn't feel especially safe, since I apparently couldn't take her at her word. She promised not to "out" me without discussing it. But she did - 7 or 8 times now. She apologized, and said "I know you said I'm handling this well, but I'm really not!" I had to agree with that - she kinda sucks at some parts of this. Oh well. I may just cut to the chase and put the following on my normal facebook page:

"Dear friends and family, it is with a heavy heart that I inform you that I'm transgendered - a woman trapped in a man's body. I intend to transition into to the role of a woman as soon as I'm able, with medical intervention of various sorts. You can see my new facebook page at ..."

What do you think?

I told her I was mad that she had been angry with me, for telling her mom "we're going to try. Our odds are terrible, but maybe we'll beat them." I was hurt by that - I wanted to believe we had some tiny, albeit incredibly unlikely glimmer of hope, especially since she didn't want a divorce right away. But there isn't any hope. I finally get that, and it really hurts. That's mostly why I'm angry, to be honest.

But we aren't going to make it. So we discussed working on plans for separation. We didn't decide anything tonight, other than I made it clear that she wasn't in any way, shape or form ready for me to transition. And our home here is the worst possible place to transition. It ain't safe to be the town tranny here in rural Oklahoma. It wouldn't be safe for me, and it would hurt her too. It simply isn't possible - and she simply isn't ready for it.

She offered to see me as Paula, if I didn't mind our sex-life ending. I pointed out that it would hurt her, and that I didn't need the rejection. (Tell me, o fearless reader of my tale, is my physiognomy so horrible as to inspire dread and fear in the heart of the onlooker?)

She doesn't hate me, even female me. Still, it's hard to take rejection, or the preception of it. I don't know that I can be female while she's in the house. Her "I can't look at you! I can't look at you!" feels negative. If I start hating being Paula, I'm just ****ed. If I can't stand being a man, and I can't stand being a woman, I am dead meat, for sure.

Anyway, I'm not sure what I'll do. Put my transition on ice for a while, I guess. I ain't getting hormones anytime soon - my therapist doesn't write letters. So I'll look for another therapist, and, unfortunately, probably be unable to start again until I relocate. (Next best candidate is 180 miles away. Maybe she'll do skype meetings, and I can start sooner.) I'll start my search for other resources (electrolysis, endocrinologist, etc.) all over again, in a different state. FML. I'm looking though - maybe I'll catch a break, and find someone who wants to help me actually feel better.

As for doing little things, I dunno. I can't decide if GD from not presenting as female is worse than GD from feeling like I'm a horrible old hag who my wife can't even look at without risking a mental breakdown. I know that isn't how she'd put it, but it's how it feels to me. I am really stuck between not wanting to hurt my wife, wanting to move forward. The pressure between these two unresolvable imperatives makes me want to die.

Maybe I'll manage to stay alive while all that happens. Maybe I'll manage to stay employed, while all that happens. This certainly is affecting my productivity. Maybe the meds I'm on will just stabilize me better. Yeah, right.

I'm in real trouble here, ladies.

My brother in law was trying to talk me out of being a tranny. I'm so manly and stuff.

Remind me again - why is "or die" such a bad option?

I'm gonna go take some meds before I completely melt down.

edit: my wife has not one clue what I'm going through. I used the phrases "life or death" and "struggling for my life" a bunch while talking to her. She had no idea. She thought the little steps I was taking, and my meds were making things better. (They were, but she undermined all that a WHOLE BUNCH this week.) She was hoping I'd be better in a couple of weeks. Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

I told her 2-3 years, and even after that, I could still die. She said "well, you'll be better after you transition, I hate that you read that stuff and talk to other people - you aren't like them." I told her "Hon, this is real, and this is serious. I'm telling you I'm in real danger, over the long term because I am in real danger. These aren't pessimism - if you'd bother to learn anything about what I'm going through, you'd know what I'm telling you is the cold, hard truth, scary though it may be."

Hopefully she'll buck the hell up and quit ****ing around with my identity.

[mary something]

well she obviously has a strong need to talk about it. How about getting her to a therapist maybe? join the forum? I don't know, but keep posting Paula and remember that you can make this happen, it will take time and patience but it is not impossible.

[ReineD]

Admittedly, I came into this thread late and I had not read all the posts in depth.

I have done this now (only up to post #58) and I see that you are extremely anxious and depressed, and you feel as if no one believes you.

What I read from the people who have transitioned and who know the deal, is that you are going about this awfully quickly and they are telling you to just slow down.

This doesn't help you right now, does it. You are looking for immediate relief for your anxiety and depression, since the meds aren't helping and the only thing that does seem to help is when you dress.

The only solution that I see, since the situation truly is rather dire for you at the moment, is to go ahead and move 200 miles away so that you can be near the professionals who will help you to sort, not only through the gender issues but any residual and perhaps hidden anger over being handicapped. I sympathize with you since you do have a lot on your plate.

You did say that you could do your job anywhere. Maybe you could sell one of your houses, take the proceeds to set up a small apartment in your new location, and do your job from there. Your wife could stay where you are now, and the two of you could spend your weekends together. The distance during the week might actually help things, since it is pretty tense between the two of you right now. You will also have more chances to go out as Paula, which will help you to get a better idea of what life would be like post-transition. You are correct that at age 50 your physiognomy and body might not change sufficiently to give you the appearance of having been born in a female body, and so the reactions that you will encounter now will not be significantly different than after transition.

No matter what happens or which way it will go, you will have gained valuable insight both through more frequent gender expression and seeing specialists, than you have right now.

It would make more sense to your wife, your family, and your friends if you took the time to focus on yourself and the issues that you face by doing the only thing you can do (take yourself to a place where help is available), before telling everyone, perhaps prematurely, that you are transsexual. Taking proper time to answer the questions that you asked throughout this thread, including whether what you are experiencing is GD or not, is actually a sane and healthy thing to do.

I'll read posts #58 onward later.

[Amy Fakley]

... Oh well. I may just cut to the chase and put the following on my normal facebook page:

"Dear friends and family, it is with a heavy heart that I inform you that I'm transgendered - a woman trapped in a man's body. I intend to transition into to the role of a woman as soon as I'm able, with medical intervention of various sorts. You can see my new facebook page at ..."

What do you think?

I think you need to cool your jets.

I think you need to get on an effective anti-depressant, that you need to take a good 10 steps back, and give this a month or six to settle in; to process your own feelings about what you're going through, without all the "do it now or die" urgency.

I think you have a myriad of issues, and that while being TS may be at the root them, transitioning right now is not going to make your life any easier or simpler, in fact I suspect that until you get on an even keel, transitioning is going to only exacerbate your negative feelings. I think that you and those you love will have an easier, more positive experience on this journey (no matter where it takes you), if you address your problems from the perspective of your whole self and not just your gender stuff. If you are TS, or TG or whatever flavor of this ... you are certainly more than just that. There is more to you than just this.

I know I'm not TS and so I know I don't have the perspective and "cred" or whatever to post in here ... but I do know this. You have lived the vast majority of your life up to now without this having been the defining aspect of it (or you'd have been in this spot a lot sooner). If you made it that long, surely you can toss in a few extra weeks to calm the heck down and get some perspective before you nuke your entire life from orbit, no?

[PaulaQ]

@mfakley - I'm on paxil and buspar, with an occasional xanax thrown in. My best guess is that I'm TS, need hormones, and have been, in essence, going through menopause for 50 years. It's finally breaking me. This has tried to kill me two other times, and this one is WAAAAAAAAAY worse.

Let me be really blunt - I'm *not* going to survive this with little half-measures, and bandaids. I think I need hormones.

As for waiting longer - yeah, well, like it or not, my current therapist is totally freaking useless, and I get to start over again. There is not an endocrinologist in the US who'll write me a 'scrip without a letter, and my therapist doesn't believe in them. I'm looking for other options in therapists, and am going to get a second opinion, if nothing else. So no matter what - I'm at minimum 3 months away from doing HRT. MINIMUM.

@Reine - thanks to the housing bubble, selling either of my houses isn't in the cards. The one house where we have some decent equity, is the one my wife wants. We could sell it for a profit, but she doesn't want to do that, and it'll take 6 months to sell it out here, if we price it right. There is a market here, it's active, but it's small, and we're on the high end of it. The other house - I'll likely have to write someone a $20K check and hand them the key to get it off my hands. I'll lose my shirt on that place. Seriously - I'll lose $100K + and have to pay someone to take it off my hands. Sucks, but them's the breaks.

I may have to set up an apartment elsewhere anyway. That might be for the best. We'll see how it goes.

For all of you who are reading this - I am feeling a little better. I reached out to another member here by phone, and talked to my wife some more after stomping the crap out of something relatively indestructible. I also took more meds.

I'm having a bad week - they aren't all this bad. My wife's outing me twice this week without consulting me totally destroyed my trust in her. And even though I ultimately WANT to be out, I also want to have some say in it. What she did was a HUGE violation of trust - she promised she'd never do this - but she's done it 7-8 times now. Having my identity ripped out from under me is really difficult, and it freaks me out emotionally. This stuff is HARD.

Not all my weeks will be this bad, I hope. Most of 'em aren't.

@mary - my wife is in therapy. You should've seen her before she went into a therapist. Unfortunately, I think she's about to fire her therapist. For all that's happened, she really hasn't learned a hell of a lot about what's going on with me. It's just too much for her.

[mary something]

what do I think? I think that you should listen to mfakely and rogina, and especially Kaitlyn. I think that you're out of control right now and in a loop of self-perpetuating drama with your wife because you keep doing the same things over and over again that haven't worked in the past and probably won't magically work in the future. Instead of talking to your wife and overwhelming her, then stomping the crap out of something in the house and acting totally out of control, then getting angry at her when she reaches out to people for support because her husband's behavior is overwhelming...

If I was you I would simply pack a suitcase with a couple days worth of clothing. Tell your wife that you love her and can't stand the emotional damage that is happening to both of you right now and that you need a day or two alone to clear your head. Reassure her that you aren't going to commit infedility against her, you're not going to hurt yourself, that you are only doing this because the cycle of self-destructive activity must stop and you can't manage to handle all aspects of your situation at once right now. then go to the closest hotel and check in for a couple nights. Let her know where you are and the room number, make sure she knows that you are safe and make sure she is safe, then don't contact her for a couple days except to say good morning and good night and let her know you are safe and make sure she is safe. Get away from your wife and clear your head Paula. Reassure her that you will be back, and that this is simply what is necessary for you to get your shit in order.

Then sit in your room totally alone while dressed for comfort and just reread everything you've posted on this site. Get out of the situation and get some clarity, clear your head, give your wife and yourself a break for a couple days.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Paula I have corresponded with you before..

I believe you for sure...this is what happens to some of us...

the very specific thing you need is progress.... its very possible that you will transition...but it is not anything like you think...especially the things you were saying previously about emotions ...everything will change and everything will stay the same..
you really cannot predict how you feel, what you will do...etc....

and what's more, transitioning POORLY will be a worse nightmare....if you think that you need to transition at all else, that does NOT mean you need to transition poorly
...it does mean you have to step back and make a plan...a facebook post is not a good first step in your plan...mistakes in transition are amplified compared to mistakes in life...

one of the most common mistakes we make is in the disclosure of it...the DESIRE to tell everyone is strong, but it can run counter to your NEED to transition... you may have some lack of choice here because of what your wife is doing...but your MUCH better bet is one by one....if somebody knows, talk to them...you will be surprised to find that some of them will actually support you...they will become at best allies or at worst benign... and trust me, the whispering behind your back is actually a roar, and what you need in that case is somebody that can say constructive and supportive things behind your back..somebody that will offer up in gossip that they talked to you and thought you were strong or courageous...

your wife is doing you a favor..but its not her fault. she doesn't understand and has feelings too...but she has made her decision (my wife left me...and I never blamed her...I felt bad for her...I can't imagine how difficult this was for her)..
your wifes instability is an issue...your instincts are to make sure she is ok....but (and this is harsh), its her issue...just like your transsexuality is your issue... if the only way for her to be ok is for you to be NOT ok, where does that leave you?
and her actions open up a much easier path to take steps to have a separation that will give you some freedom

check with a therapist named Anne Vitale...I know in the past she did online consults...she writes alot as well and you can find her writings online....some of it may be dated but there is a lot to read from her.
I don't know of other therapists but just google it...I bet you can find someone...but fair warning...if you are as overwrought as you seem, they will likely notice it and make it job one to deal with that prior to doing something like HRT

all your weeks will not be this bad....make some progress...HRT is certainly a big deal...but that's only one part of progressing...

this thread is progress...that phone call was progress...knowing you need a therapist is progress..telling a person yourself is progress.....that's what transition actually it...its progress...

[PaulaQ]

I'll answer some of the other points later, but my comment about announcing this to everyone over facebook was meant as a joke - my wife has outed me (without asking me first) to so many people, family and friends, that it almost seems like I should just use FB to catch the one or two people she might miss as she continues to out me to people.

I'd never actually do something like that! It would be shocking and cruel to people who didn't know, and just an insanely stupid thing to do at this point.

Sorry that didn't come across properly - I can't BELIEVE how many times she's broken her promise not to out me without at least discussing it with me!