just so struggling...i could just cry, but I can't...it's the real world.

[lisa_cd]

I try with the make up...I don't do this every day but I need it...then I go for it and it's like I have no fricking idea how to make myself look good. I have a girls face (maybe) and a girls figure, but sometimes, I just don't know...
It's so difficult. 25 years ago I could pass no problem...and now it's like Lisa hates me. I get so bummed sometimes...I want to be the woman I know I am, but it's so difficult sometimes!
I have a man's life, and my entire world depends on that. But Lisa screams at me. Sometimes its a bit maddening.
Luckily I do have people I know that care. So it's ok. A few. Sometimes I feel so stressed out that I couldn't really care less about the world...things you want to make a difference with...volunteer work...habitat houses...soup kitchens.
Yeah, I get depressed sometimes. But I just put it in the back of my mind. So many friends of mine have experienced tragedies. But, you know, that is the world we live in.
And I KNOW..that everyone out there feels like I do at times....It's like you want to make a difference, but the effort seems so worthless sometimes.
I live alone....a friend of mine has to commute 2 hours, and then take care of his brother who is handicapped, and take care of his 4 kids...his wife left him.
Now, seeing that..how should I complain" I have no reason to...as far as my buddy is concerened...relatively speaking. So do I get bummed out because my make up lookis like hell???? What the hell does it matter. I don't think that "panty style" or tripping out because we went to a lingeree shop...well... bottom line...what does it matter" Except to us. Yes..to us....
And then this week I get a new wig in the mail...I was so excited! I love being lisa...putting on the wig and feeling so girllie... but I get torn between Lisa and Kenny. Kenny had things to do. How do I balance it? I have balanced it...for a long, long, time.
But I get sooooooooo bummed, deep in my mind, at times. I can't cry, because I have no one to cry to. I cant remember the last time I leaned into someone's shoulder and let out my inner feelings.
But sometimes I just can't cry. I want to, but it's difficult.


Lisa/Kenny

[AmyGaleRT]

Oh, Lisa hon, I know just how you feel. I have to do the same balancing act, and sometimes that means Amy gets neglected for a bit or has to step aside out of necessity. But it makes the times when I can let the girl out that much sweeter!

If I were there, I would totally teach you what I know about makeup. But since I'm not, all I can do is point you at this page, which is where I originally learned from. And it does take practice, and it helps if you can find the right makeup for your skin tone.

Sending you some hugs, 'cause I think you need some

- Amy

[FoxxxyBri]

I understand about the unable to cry thing. I havent cried in several years. I think maybe this is a short term problem that we all go through as humans. But as a transgendered person it will be a bit harder. Just hang in there I guess.

[Ashlyn Brooke]

Hi Lisa,
I really wish you were in San Antonio, Texas. I was married for almost 25 years. My wife had no interest in sex of any amount that would be considered normal on even the low end. 2-1/2 years ago both of my parents were diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and placed in a nursing home, 2 days later I lost my job, and 2 days after that my wife admitted to being in love with another man! I fought and struggled to keep her. We moved cities, took different jobs and a year later my father passed away. Less than 24 hours later I got a phone call that my wife's affair had continued the whole time. I continued to fight for her another 7 months til she walked out the door and left me financially ruined. At the point she walked out, my inner girl said Hello! I started buying shoes, and pants and bras and a wig. I picked up various forms of makeup with no clue what I was doing. My original pictures scare even me from just 6 months ago. 2 months after she left me, I moved here, started a new job and discussed my inner girl with a gay co-worker and Hellooooo Ashlyn! I was introduced to the wonderful people at MAC for an initial makeover eval. Now I can't stay away and my avatar pic is a result. If you haven't been I highly highly encourage you to go. They will try whatever look you want and help you achieve your goals with nothing less than perfect courtesy, and that's going in completely guy mode. Please keep your thoughts positive and your head high. As RuPaul says, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an Amen?" Please add me if you like and keep in touch. MMMuah!
Ashlyn

On another note, I started hormones 2 weeks ago. My mood is much mellower, my anger issues have diminished greatly and all I want to do is be a girl all the time.

[Jari]

Hey Lisa, i hear you. We are all on our own journeys and sometimes its very tough out there. I have a job where I have to be strong and managerial a lot of the time - i have to be very disciplined and hide Fiona (my inner girl) far far down, i find it helps to move completely away from thinking about it....until at some point I can relax and bring her out again. In the end its all about loving yourself and I admit I become too self absorbed about Fiona. Ive learnt that if you love yourself unconditionally you can love the world and your life, despite all the imperfections. Sometimes we are all too hard on ourselves. Do your best and love.

Peace xx

[paulaprimo]

hi sweetie,
if i was with you right now i would give you a big hug. i think there are lots of us here that deal with confusion. i'm kinda in the same boat, living a mans life but wanting to be paula 24/7. it does get confusing and frustrating, but i struggle through it!! this forum and the friends i made help alot!
your thread helps you to vent, and most of us here can relate, understand, and sympathize with it.
why would we choose a path in life that is so hard, confusing and frustrating? i for one know that i can't quit, so i try to cope and deal with it the best i can. it does get
hard at times but i do the best i can, even though it never seems good enough!!
jimmy v's speech should be mandatory reading in every high school!!
i'm always here for you...
big hugs,
paula

[Erica Marie]

Lisa please dont get down on yourself. You truly are not alone. I saw your profile pic and you are beautiful.
I too feel the exact same way. Do my best to keep my figure, shave my legs and underarms and everything else too. Then I look in the mirror and see a guy in girls cloths. I need to look past that and just see me. At times I feel there should be no such thing as male or female. Just be who you are.

[Laura912]

There are several on the site from SC. Would it help you if you could make arrangements to get together as sort of a support group? Maybe some of them will PM you. Hang in there.

[Julie Denier]

It's definitely a balancing act, especially when you have to keep your femme side under wraps. I focus on my family and work obligations first, because they are my top priorities in life, and dress when I can to satisfy my desires. Everyone is different, and achieving a personal balance isn't always easy. I wish you strength and comfort, and know we're all here to lean on

[david]

hi julie have not been on site for along time due to my own struggle with who i am but i have now come to the conclusion that this is how i feel inside and will alwas be for the rest of my life.i know it is difficult for a lot of people to understand but those who now know me have accepted that i will be in fact a female in a male bodyand so my life will go on with no regrets. it took my wife a long time to come to grips with my female side but she under stands that if my life at present makes me happy then so be it. davinax

[Juliea661]

Hi Lisa, yes, been there done that, and understand what you are going through - and I'm sorry that you are...
There is a most amazing book that a good friend gave to me that has been so comforting, that I suggest you get and read. It is The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo. He is a writer and poet who went through a rough go with cancer. Each day has a reading and an associated meditation. And it is amazing how timely each reading is. Speaking of meditation, I'd highly reccommend that you learn and practice it. There is a wise saying: Go within or go without... All truth is in our hearts, where our soul resides, and meditation is a way to temporarily push aside all the noise and chatter of "life" so that we can hear that true inner voice that lies within each of us. That inner voice, our soul, i believe, is our connection to God.
Regarding make-up, there are many Utube, etc, videos online that I have found very instructional and helpful.
@Ashlyn, you get a big AMEN fro this gal!
Hugs, Jules

[Beverley Sims]

I am unable to offer support myself, I think you need it and there have been some hands held out to help you.
I feel you would be helped a great deal by taking their offers of advice and assistance.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Hi Lisa, Right now I wish I could give you one awesome hug to validate your felings and maybe help resolve some very confusing feelings. I've cried myself to sleep before wondering what direction I should tak. Trust me you are NOT alone!

I'm hoping someone near you from this group can step in and physically spend some time over lunch or coffee and tell you face-to-face that you ARE okay. I know, I felt a lot of lonliness and isolation at one time too trying to make some sense of my gender issues. You will survive! But through the TG friends I made it took the sting out of a lot of issues. You're NOT alone!

You WILL find friends who will listen and understand here or elsewhere. You may wish to find a professional counselor if that's do-able. I feel your pain dear. It's a lonely world for many of us. But there is also much support to be found. I wish you nothing but the best and the peace of knowing that you will be okay! Stick around!

Cheryl

[lisa_cd]

I just want to thank everyone that posted on this thread...things are going so much better...I love you all!

[docrobbysherry]

Glad to hear you've picked up. Lisa.

They say if u get lemons, make lemonade!

Then, I read about your single buddy with his mom and 4 kids. (Never mind that he seems ignorant about the many methods of birth control.) But, what u do make when u all u get is CRAP? Crappade?

I guess we should all try to do what Monty Python said, "Look on the brite side of life"! Not that easy sometimes tho, is it?

[ArleneRaquel]

lisa,
I'm so happy that things are getting better for you. Hugs !

[SherriePall]

Lisa -- Remember that we are all here for you to cry on our collective shoulder. As far as Kenny having things to do and there being no time for Lisa, consider Lisa time being like a mini-vacation. We all need a break from work every so often in order to continue working at our top level. Same thing for Kenny. We are all lucky to have someone like Lisa around to help us take that break. BTW, glad you are feeling better. And don't worry about the make-up. You'll get the hang of it soon enough. Although I am still learning (that's actually part of being a part-time girl). Take care.

[Tara D. Rose]

Hi Lisa, I'm glad you're feeling better. Yes we all get that way sometimes, things just look and feel so bad, and without hope, but we can always look around and see others that have situations in life so much worse than our own, and then we compare. We start to feel better. I love your smile in your pictures. Life forever changes around us all the time. And great, you are in SC too just like me. Again, it's good to see you're feeling better.
Tara

[CherylFlint]

It's a terrible phase.
I've had hem in the past and then I purge.
Bad, bad mistake.
I've purged four times and if I ever fee like it again, I'll rent a storage unit.
Relax. You need to go back to square 1, find a woman who'll help you and go from there.
It's way too difficult to pass wthout some kind of help from a female at somtime, and I'd say your sometime is about now.