How to inform your SO

[ChelseaErtel]

If you really have been on HRT for a year you may be heading for a difficult time. Trust is a difficult thing to gain but so easy to lose. She will find out and it would be better for her to hear it from you. In my situation I told my wife I will not do anything without her knowledge. I'd love to begin HRT but my wife is not ready for that. Shes in the bargaining and depression stage and I'm hoping we reach the "acceptance" stage. That's where I'll tell her I am starting HRT. Being TS is a huge secret and your wife may view it as just another lie. She married a man remember.

I love my wife dearly but we still, in the end, may have to split. This is all too often too much for any spouse to handle and I understand that. It seems you understand that and are prepared for the worst. I didn't see anything about children so that's good as that is another complicating factor to deal with.

My wife will have to accept each stage (HRT, FFS, GRS...) before I begin the process. I know it will slow me down, but that is fine for me if we stay together.

Good luck, I do hope it all works out.

[groove67]

yes you have to be honest when I told my wife that I was going fulltime hrt and wanted srs and become total woman she said she needed a man left me . she has a guy she is dating now and I am happy for her and myself as I realize over last few years I really am wanting a man in my life also. so in my case we both win and remain good friends .

[Britney Johnson]

I understand that honesty is the best policy. I started because I felt as though there was no where else to turn, and I had to do something for me. It eats me up every day that I can not freely talk with her about everything. I have spoken with a counselor for over a year, and came out to my wife 2.5 years ago. Since then she has do e nothing but try and save me. She is a wonderful person, and I am sure that she knows what is happening. She has already made comments pertaining too. This is not an easy journey for anyone, and I am taking things slow as I possibly can right now in order to remain sane. I never understood how much these feelings would effect my life, and since I was 5, i have been fighting a battle within myself to make the most of each day. I am sorry that you all may not agree with my decision to begin as I have, but for me there is no turning back. I will open up to her soon about everything. I have found that there is no right time for this eighter, but to talk when we can. This is the most difficult for me, getting over my fears. Not fears of what awaits outside my doors, but of hurting someone that has given me so much...

[stefan37]

We all have fears about hurting those we love. I still hurt when I think how I hurt my wife with my need to transition. And there is nothing wrong with taking things slowly, but it still doesn't excuse the fact you need to come clean with your wife sooner than later. The longer you wait the worse it will hurt her and the fact you have been on hrt for a year behind her back could mean an irreparable rift between you. You need to have a serious discussion with her as soon as possible. This process is difficult for all of us, there is no doubt. But it is also a very public process and hiding is no longer an option. You are right the decision to start as you did was yours alone, but you still should have had the guts to tell your wife who you say you love. And if you think she knows what is happening, make sure she knows what is happening, TELL HER.

[Rogina B]

If "your juice" was prescribed and the process started with a gender therapist,did they not ask you about your discussions and disclosure [with your SO] about your plan? It seems that many girls "dance around the telling part" so a lot of time passes.Obviously there haven't been physical changes that have been noticed by the person you sleep beside...

[mary something]

She is a wonderful person, and I am sure that she knows what is happening. She has already made comments pertaining too.

Do you present as female in front of your wife?

It is what it is at this point, just tell her you're on hrt and then tell her if it's helped you feel better and how. You said you want to transition full time, so does that mean you're part time in front of your wife right now? If so just tell her that you need to express yourself as Britney more and that if it makes you happy to do so you could imagine doing it all the time.

Avoid the big confessional scene, it sounds like she knows intuitively already anyway. Just tell her the truth about what you want and let her decide how she wants to feel about it. If you want to stay with her tell her that.

She might not be as surprised as you think she'll be.

Prepare yourself by thinking of some potential questions she might ask you and decide what your response will be.

You never know, it might go better than you think.

[Britney Johnson]

I am sorry that I have upset so many on here. That was not my intention. I do understand that criticism is just as important as support is, and that I will not always make the best decisions. I am trying to move forward with my life, and yes, honesty is totally important, and I have been honest with her. My therapist told me that I need to be open with my wife and let her know I wanted to transition, I did that on more than one occasion over the past few years. She does not want to seek assistance in dealing with any of this and moves on as if it will go away. My plan for HRT w to start slowly and minimize any changes that I would go thru, and I have accomplished that I think with the assistance of my doctor. Just last week, I finally came out and spoke of transitioning with my wife again and openly said that I want to transition to a female. (I have in the past as well). She seems as though she only hears what she wants to, and later says, "You never said that". It is just harder each time I bring everything up again and again. I really don't know what else to do. How many times do I need to say the same thing. I have become numb to showing much feeling any more, and have even wished that things would just end. Many of us go thru these feelings, it is just a good thing I am such a wimp and hate pain. On top of that, I am not looking to put those around me thru that type of pain.
Do I present as female in front of my wife... No, she will not have any part of it. She has thrown out my things on numerous occasions, although my side of the closet has many of my clothes. My drawers are filled with panties and bras that I have begun wearing frequently. I do my own laundry now, because she is afraid to find my personals which are in every load.
Do I sound a bit desperate, I am sure I do. I want so very much to be happy as well, but she does not want to learn about me and what we go thru. It is tough all around, and things are not looking to get any easier. As I have said though, I am prepared to take on those challenges. I just wish I had spoken up sooner...

[LeaP]

If "your juice" was prescribed and the process started with a gender therapist,did they not ask you about your discussions and disclosure [with your SO] about your plan? ... Obviously there haven't been physical changes that have been noticed by the person you sleep beside...

Both interesting points. My therapist will not write a HRT letter unless the spouse is informed. They don't have to agree, they don't have to like it, but they have to be aware.

And Britney - NO noticable changes in a year ... at all? No change in sexual function? No breast growth, skin changes, fat redistribution, body hair changes? None?

[Britney Johnson]

I have had changes, and she has noticed some of these changes such as the breast growth. She keeps saying I have man boobs, which is true, they have begun to develop more in the past 4 - 5 mos. As far as skin, I have always taken good care of my self and use lotion as almost as often as her. My eyebrows have been shaped for the last 3 years, and I started laser hair removal over 2 years ago. My body has gotten thinner, due to working out more intensely and I keep telling her I am trying to get down to 155 from 210. I am on my way, but a ways to go. Sexual function has always been an issue with me. My doctor even prescribed me Viagra, but I haven't been able to bring myself to use it. (Difficult decision)... So, as far as fat distribution, it is pretty much unnoticeable. I have spoken with her about my plans, and told her I was going to begin, but have not disclosed anything about having started HRT. This is unfair to her, and I am in no way arguing that point.
Thank you all again for all the comments, negative or positive. Each is appreciated...

[mary something]

Britney I empathize with you. It sounds like your wife has been told enough to know what you want and it's YOUR choice what to do with your body and no one elses.

What do you want your life to look like two years from now?

[Britney Johnson]

You ask where I would like to be in 2 yrs... For me, that is easy... Living life as the woman I have always been. FFS, possible breast augmentation, along with GRS. I have a long way to go, but have been preparing for a long time.

[Rogina B]

Sure doesn't seem to me that you are very"out"! You want to transition and you don't present as female to your family? FFS,? BA?,GRS?..really in a couple of years?

[Britney Johnson]

I am out to my friends and I have come out to my Mother and brother... I don't talk to the rest of my family for different reasons... Suppose we just don't get along. I go out as often as I get the chance, but I don't retire until next June. I have a commitment until then. I am taking things slow for now, but my plans are set. At least as set as I can be, for where I hope to be in 2 yrs. Life isn't easy and we all have decisions and time schedules for what we want...

[mary something]

Retirement can be a good time to transition, especially if you can take some time to yourself for some of the surgeries that you are planning. Do you expect to start your RLE soon after retirement or are you waiting to have surgeries first?

[Angela Campbell]

Good for you Britney, You go at your pace and do it your way. No one except for you understands your life. This is a major change in life and I will not rush in and go too fast. (including going full time) I will think things out and work it all out my way. I plan to go full time in about a year but I cannot guarantee anything. You cannot either I expect.

[Britney Johnson]

Do you expect to start your RLE soon after retirement or are you waiting to have surgeries first?

I am looking forward to RLE. I will definitely have to before I actually begin with surgeries. For many doctors, they actually require you to live in the female role for at least 6 mos to a year. There are surgeries that I can have accomplished before hand, like Adam's apple, and BA. It is important for me to handle this with care, and beginning immediately after retirement will assist me in being true to myself. People will have their own thoughts and beliefs as to what they think a good time line is, but we all know that things change everyday and we do the best with what we have. Thank you all for the standing support. I am trying to correct my current situation, and being totally honest with my spouse. It will be difficult, but as many have said, it is important to be honest and open about everything. Hope everyone had a wonderful 4th... Be safe

[Britney Johnson]

Just thought to update everyone as to my talk with my wife. I would love to say that she was understanding, but lets face it this is one of the hardest things to deal with. It is something that totally uproots any thoughts of a future with the person you are with. That being said, I explained to her that I am transitioning and that I would like to start going out more as who I am at heart and in my soul. She is not so happy with it, but she did not say no. For me, it is a positive step forward and the fact that I don't feel as though I need to hide anything from her. She doesn't agree, and as of right now she doesn't support. Who knows what the future may bring. All I know is, that I am becoming less afraid to talk with her about things and being able to get ready at home before going out will feel so wonderful. I want to thank everyone that posted. A said before, both positive and negative comments pushed me to make that decision to come out and tell her how I feel. Now that the door is open, I plan to keep it open. Thank you again... Hugz