My first negative reaction to coming out.

[I Am Paula]

While I have known that I was female practically from birth, for years I struggled along , telling myself I was a garden variety CD, and I could continue to cope as I was. Despite living full time as a woman, GD got the upper hand. I finally started HRT, and I'm finally admitting to myself that transition, tho I don't know exactly how far that will go, has begun, and I'm never, ever, turning back. At 55, I can finally look myself in the mirror, and say 'I am a transexual'.
All my family, and close friends are fully supporting me, and they are glad I'm taking control of my own happiness.
I have a good group of GG friends, that have always treated me as one of thier own. These are my casual friends, who meet for coffee every morning to discuss life. It's these ladies who are shocked, and a little put off by my anouncement. They accepted me unconditionally when I was, to them, a really hardcore CD. Now they're treating me like I'm invading thier turf. My transition has been refered to as 'kinda yucky'. I don't think I'm going to lose them as friends, but our relationship changed overnight. They went from 'You understand women more than most women', to 'You'll still never know what it's like to be a real woman'.
I always figured people would be more accepting if I were transitioning, not just playing dressup.
Is this a sign of things to come? Am I tresspassing on women's turf? Can I assume more friends will turn?
I always thought I knew all the answers, but it appears I have a lot to learn. I still look and act the same as 6 months, 12 months, ago, but some peoples perception of me is already changing.

[arbon]

Your a woman, but your experience of being a woman is different then theirs. They have the right body, right parts, were socialized as women and you did not get that. Your still a woman though.
Its something many like them will not understand.

[Badtranny]

Just proves what I always say; You don't know a damn thing about transition until you transition.

I still get surprised after a year of full time (real legal full time not that full time in your head stuff). I still don't know a damn thing, but the NEXT time I transition I'll be a hell of a lot better at it. ;-)

Hang in there, it doesn't really get better but you'll at least get jaded and that's kind of the same thing.

[mikiSJ]

When the notion of a male wanting to become a female was gaining notice, one of the stronger voices against transitioning was from the feminist movement who felt hard won territory was be invaded.

My wife made a comment a couple of nights ago when I mentioned I was really beginning to like Miki, and her retort was, 'you'll never be a woman or know what a woman is!" True, and while I do not plan on transitioning, it still hit a sour note in our relationship. I think it was her way of saying...go away Miki, I don't want you around me!

[mary something]

I always thought I knew all the answers, but it appears I have a lot to learn. I still look and act the same as 6 months, 12 months, ago, but some peoples perception of me is already changing.

Is their perception changing or is your point of reference changing? They accepted you as a very feminine man, and told you that you understand women, but they didn't say that you WERE a woman. Difference between understanding and being is where your misunderstanding is. Your internal switch "flipped" from M to F but they can't see what's inside of you. I don't know how to approach the situation to get the result that you want but would caution against giving the perception to them that you assume their acceptance as a woman is a given if they already accept you as a man. To them that might come across as almost a form of male privilidge, perhaps they feel that you are assuming that you assert something to them that they have to agree with you and fall in line.

If you want their acceptance the last way to get it would be to act angry or hurt right now. Who is the lady that is most likely to be your ally? Appeal to her and ask for acceptance, tell them how their comments made you feel in a nonconfrontational way so that they will understand that they hurt your feelings. If she likes you she will feel bad for this, if she puts the blame on another group member don't say anything negative about that person. She will discuss this with the others later, and hopefully feelings will change.

I might be way off base here honey but to me declaring yourself a woman means that you give up the privilidge to tell women how they have to treat you. They are probably treating you more like one of the girls now than before if that helps .

[STACY B]

I got it ,,, Instead of you being on there side an talking to them an consoling them about life an love Now your invading an becoming the competition an not the alli ? Maybe that is the Real Deal ,,, Maybe there once Bitten twice shy of So called new girl in town ? There is more than one way to look at it ,,, Hell ya never know about folks ,,, That's why I say what I say an do what I do ,,,

[noeleena]

Hi,

Thats where the difference comes in for myself iv never transioned never dressed as is talked about here, yet im accepted, as a normal woman because im female though im different,
im a member of women only groups plus many others. i know i have disadvantages yet i allso have advantages,

Your, Am i tresspaseing on womens turf....my thoughts on that ? goes back 48 years, oh heck....i was 17 then & how the men i worked under ,thier langage about us in the meal room was a real put down & very degrading to women & that effected myself had they known i was female id hate to think what would have happened to me so when you said those women you know have changed thier idear of you, as they had accepted you as a dresser, do i say knowing you are not a woman, nor female in how they see you,

So are you tresspassing on to our place where we are, you wont to be intergrated in to our world, how we think Psychlogically & Emotionally why we are different in so much of who we are, im trying to tread lightly here, & not say something to offend .

Okay ill try this , i dont understand why men wont to dress & be like us, i cant get my head around that detail. now im not male so how could i understand, so im looking at your delemer as we see it, from those womens eyes.

Did or do they see you as male who likes dressing & any thing out side of that is ,, as they have said, so they have known you for a while so why the attitude change,

The from , understanding women , to youll never know what its like being a real woman,

Ill take that as for myself i am female with out my womb & no i cant have my child because of malfunction of my body, it still does not stop me from being a woman i have grown to be a woman . yet i know other women who were born with out thier womb's & others who had hystorectomys quite a few of us because of any number of detials , we are still women .

Sorry its proberly not much help ,

Did you ever tell them before you wonted to live as / like a woman. or similar,

...noeleena...

[kimdl93]

Their reaction comes as a surprise to me. After all this time, it seems you'd be accepted as a person, if not a woman. I suppose there will always be women who focus on the biologically different life experiences, high you can't have, and ignore the other dimensions of your identity, which even on brain scans reveal a TS person to have the brain structures and thought patterns of a woman. It's a losing proposition to try to change people's minds...only time and experience has any chance of doing that.

[Marleena]

The two GG's friends I'm out to are fully accepting. One has invited me for a ladies day out and the other is giving me makeup tips. Melissa is right, expect the unexpected though that's why I'm going slow.

Your GG friends may come around Celeste. Don't write them off they may just need time to come around.

[Annaliese]

I don't know if I should answer this since I my self am not transition, You will loses friends but you will make new friends that will accept you for who you are, and for finally being your self. Good luck and hugs

[Kaitlyn Michele]

it doesnt surprise me..

make sure celeste that you are not placing the idea that people will be more accepting on your list of reasons to transition.
..i know someone that went "fulltime" because they wanted to be more accepted..for some reason they were ashamed to crossdress but felt commiting to living as a woman was not shameful..
that didnt work out well...not saying thats you, just responding to part of your comment...

trannsexuals and crossdressers are marginalized...but not the same way...its much easier to accept a guy in a dress
of course each person will think differently about it..and some people will surely be more comfortable with a transitioned woman than a crossdressing friend..

In a perfect world your inner and outer circle will be filled with people that truly just enjoy you however you present...

i found many people "supported" me, but in fact just dumped me... frankly over time i realized thats not the end of the world...and i'd prefer to have control over who knows about my past and who doesnt

[dawnmarrie1961]

This group of people accepted you into their group at a certain level and now they view that you unfairly trying to change that level. The fact is they aren't required to view you as being the same as them. You can't dictate that. No body can. I know that you've drawn a lot of strength from your association with the "group" but now it's time to stand on your own high heels and accept yourself for who you are as well as who you can not be. Acceptance starts with yourself.

[KellyJameson]

I have always found relations with cisgenders complicated regardless of their genetic sex because their thinking is so black and white, this or that.

In their eyes you went from a feminine man who adores woman so wants to emulate them to one who is going to use tricks to fool people into thinking you are one.

As a CD you flattered them with your emulation but as a transsexual you insult and offend them.

In both instances it is all about them and has nothing to do with you.

Always with cisgenders you want to remember that their attitudes of the opposite sex will strongly affect their behavior toward you.

There is a timeless war called the war between the sexes that has always been going on so it has become invisible because people do not know any difference.

This war is constantly being fought between husbands and wives,men and women, mother and son ,father and daughter and to a large degree is the result of sex and reproduction.

A transsexual is caught in the middle of this war.

One of the ways I avoid being hurt is I never allow a cisgender to define me. I never expect them to understand me and expect their acceptance to be tentative until proven otherwise.

Psychologically you need a very high degree of autonomy or others will make you suffer.

You must stand outside the herd even when you are part of it.

Some will accept you and some will not and those who accept you today may not tomorrow.

If you make acceptance to important than you will be completely at the mercy of your environment as well as being a victim of or used by those who participate in the gender wars.

There is also another smaller war between trans and cisgenders so there are layers of conflict built around gender and unless you see this clearly you are likely to be wounded or crushed by it.

In my opinion to survive this you need to be your own person because the more you need "inclusion" the more you are vulnerable to others.

Do not allow small minded people to limit or define you, even when they are family or friends.

A create deal of our suffering is caused by others. Why empower them to hurt you more?

[ReineD]

Just goes to show that the average person understands nothing about people who are born in the wrong bodies. They can't remove the barriers from their own minds.

You posted a while back, that your wife said your GG friends felt comfortable sharing everything with you because they saw you as a gay man. I have gay friends and I can attest to not feeling any sexual tension with them, which makes it easy to confide in all sorts of things. You just know that they won't be thinking sexual thoughts about you, no matter what you say. We so love to talk, and it's always wonderful to get a man's perspective whom we feel is completely safe sexually.

I'm entrenched in this community and I know transwomen here and personally. To me, they are not like gay men at all. I see them as women. But I can understand that GGs who know nothing about transness will believe that a CDer is fun because he is safe, but when "he" (in their eyes) starts to think that he is one of "us", he cannot go there because, well, he just isn't a girl. Like I said, your friends are not moving beyond their own lack of understanding.

You need to have a heart to heart with your closest GG friends, to help them move toward changing their attitudes. Tell them how painful it is to be seen as a man by them and to be excluded because of this. Speak to them on their level. At the same time you also need to remove any remaining vestige of male reaction or thought from your repertoire of emotions and personality traits, in other words, shed every last instance of male socialization that you've been exposed to. Your friends might be picking up on it and this might be why they see a difference between you and them. You're in your 50s and this may take a little while. So just plug away at it and eventually it will all fall into place, especially after you've been on HRT for awhile and after transition.

[Kathryn Martin]

There is a big difference between being a man who crossdresses and being a woman. Listen to what Reine said, and always bear in mind that your socialization as a male has instelled you with a privilege of being a man and being seen as a man. This is something that women viscerally are aware of. Don't say I don't have male privilege because you do, even if you think you don't. Work on this, it's the hardest work you will ever do. It will change your entire outlook on life, work, friends etc. Being a man who understands is not being a woman. It is something that they need to experience not something that you can say to them.

[Nicole Erin]

People that knew you as the guy will still have that image and psyche about you.
New acquaintances are more bound to be accepting.

I have a good real life friend who is TS. Her experience is mostly the same. New guys at work don't mind her but those who knew her as "him" do have a problem. Neighbors she used to help will only associate if she is in "guy mode".

Once you start transition, count on your social circle changing. This group of women may come around though.
So they now have a problem with you? While it is true that they do have training as how to be women, no one taught them how to be LADIES. Not many females these days know how to be ladies.

[mary something]

The original post was a month ago, how are things going now Celeste?

[I Am Paula]

Thanks for asking. My coffee ladies seem to have forgotten thier orginal reactions. I see this as either- they've come to grips with it, or, I didn't change overnight, so they're forgetting. I see them every day.

[ReineD]

Just want to say that I'm glad that things have improved over the last month.