Protecting the neighbors

[Lorileah]

A recent thread here and actually one of my threads here has brought up a point.

Do we stay in the closet because we want to protect the people around us or do we do it to protect ourselves?

The thread I am referring to mentioned how they stayed out of sight out of respect for the neighbors. I can relate because I, too, tried to not embarrass the neighbors and more so my GF. My Gf knew about me from the beginning, she was never uncomfortable with me and we went out often. However the last 5 years I personally worked to NOT dress when I was around her. I felt I was something that would bring unwanted attention to her (that's my story and I am sticking to it...until now). But the truth was I didn't want the attention which I assumed would be shown and by default reflect on her. It was MY issue not hers and just before she died she told me she missed seeing "Lori" as much as she would lie.

Jenniferathome made the point that we hide not because we are worried about what others may think (I think I have proven that a fallacy at least to myself in the last year) but more because we are the ones who are uncomfortable.

So why do you not go out? Is it for the community or is it for you???

[AllieSF]

I don't have that problem because I go out regularly like you. I can understand the need sometimes to think of others, specifically family, close friends and an SO so as to not embarrass them, i.e. burden them with who we are. However, when it comes to neighbors and other acquaintances, I believe that it is self protection versus not embarrassing them. I just do not want to be caught be them. I see no need to come out to them and I have no problem maintaining my privacy, at least up till now when I leave the house partially dressed. If I planned to live my life 24/7 as a woman, then I would have a reason. That is also a totally different situation.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Lorileah, I think this will develop into a great thread. I don't go right out because I don't want the neighbors to think less of me or gossip about me. I really don't need to worry because the two neighbors who could see me love ----- just the way he is and we all get along. I know one neighbor who is home all day would probably love Cheryl. The other I'm not so sure even though I could go out while she's working.

My hair stylist is totally okay and so is the salon owner about me coming there fully dressed. They are a nice country ride away over a few miles.

But I do want to spare my wife any embarassment even if most of her family, including my mother-in-law know about me. I know it's okay with my wife, but something holds me back.

I think there is a lot of conditioning involved. In my first marriage failure people found out about me and made my life hell. So there you have the "approach/avoidance" conditioning.

Would I love to hop in my vehicle and just go out dressed? YES! I probably could now but I do feel that resistance. I live in a very rural wooded area and can freely roam my yard. But at the same time I have one eye looking over my shoulder.

But to answer your basic question, I think I want to protect my wife first, and me second. (Maybe my wife doesn't care? She could care less about the neighbor we rarely speak with who works most of the day.)

Cheryl

[CynthiaD]

I go outside a lot in femme clothes. The neighbors don't pay the slightest attention to me when I'm in drab, and they don't pay the slightest attention to me when I'm wearing a skirt and breastforms. They seem to be much more concerned with their own lives than they are with mine. Funny thing is, I feel exactly the same way.

[ArleneRaquel]

Being a widower, retired, and living alone I go out enfemme many times a day. So far in my new, almost 3 years, digs I haven't gotton any complaints, bad looks, or bad comments, except for my next door neighbor who is an extremely vocal homophob. In fact he "dislikes" ,or worse, anyone who differs from his word outlog. I live as a woman and that life has been fantastic for moi.

[Ms. Laura]

irst and foremost I would say protecting my family from embarassment and repercussions is in my mind. You know, if other parents found out they might classify me as sopme "perv" and make it hard on my child to make friends and there could be professional repercussions for my wife. How well founded that fear is I'm not sure but it's definitely a possibility.

I know my extended family is not the accepting sort and could make life in general difficult.

And finally, I suffer a lot of fear myself. I've only been out twice. Only one of those times involved mixing with the general public though both revolved around a support group meeting. I just did not react well to public scrutiny and have had a real desire to crawl back into my shell, even though nothing bad actually happened.

So, I guess my answer is all of the above!

[Norah_joy]

Who am I thinking about when I decide to limit my dressing to home? My family. My wife tolerates as long as I dress at home and alone and I adhere to that. In my case its about much more than avoiding embarrassment. I can see no good coming from "everyone" knowing I cross dress.

My wife is the only one I've ever told about my dressing and gender issues, and I don't feel the need to go beyond that. As Laura said, each situation is unique. As for me, its all about family. Norah

[Lorileah]

Protecting your children is always a priority. But there is a key word there in the sentence

other parents MIGHT

Is there an indication they WOULD? Or just your feeling they MIGHT?

I fully understand that in today's society the general consensus is that TG people are Clowns, Perverts, Deviates or just flat crazy. And I fully understand tat we fear that we will be in any or all of those categories. And we want to protect ourselves from that. But who are you really protecting? Usually it is yourself so you don't have to explain or defend yourself. Ihave been there. I am still there with a couple of neighbors (see other thread abut being a secret no more). I don't KNOW that they would be adverse to me. I just feel they would. I am not forcing it to find out, but since the rest of the neighborhood now knows it is their call.

My wife knew about me and she had one "rule": don't embarrass her. That is a wide rule. Some would feel that just the act of dressing is embarrassing. Some would say the act of leaving the house is. Some would say that getting drunk and arrested is where the line is. But we are the ones who set the line on that.

This isn't a "you must come out" thread. It is just to make some think about the real reason they are staying "hidden". It is a perceived fear. It could be real. It could be all in our minds. Usually the mind is the main reason. As I stated I was more fearful of how people would react to me when I was with my GF. So to avoid putting her (in my mind) in that position, i went away. I know she didn't see the threat, she was very comfortable with me. I was the issue. I know that now. We all have been there and there isn't a right answer. But just for those who fear what will happen (not teh ones who have no desire to get out), is it a real or imagined threat?

[shayleetv]

When I was young, I mean young, in my single digits I would go out all the time as a girl. When I was 11 I grew out of my sisters size shoes so fully dressed and in shoes that were falling apart I caught the bus for downtown Salt Lake before my mom got home from work and went shopping for some new shoes. I was wearing a dress of my sisters and stuffed one of her bras with some rubber falsies. I looked pretty good and looked about like a girl of fifteen. Bought four pair of shoes did some window shopping caught the bus home so that I would get home after my parents left for their evening out with dad's club. I did things like that all through my teens and into my early twenties. After that for some reason it had no appeal for me and it doesn't even to this day.

I came out to my wife when I retired because my daughters accidental finding of me dressed on different occasions they told me I had to tell her and they were right. The only time in over forty years I have been dressed as a girl outside was when the psychologist had me come dressed up so she could talk to me about how I felt while dressed. My wife has supported me in my dressing and she gave me this rule of not dressing in public only in our home or somewhere private.This is the easiest rule to follow because I have no need to be in public. I only show my pictures here because.....You, friends are the only ones who can appreciate my efforts. I guess this falls into the category, we are all different in the things we do or in other words we are all a different shade of pink. Please don't try to make everybody the same shade of pink it will be boring after a while.

[~Joanne~]

I think the reason I don't go out is more for myself and my SO than my neighbor's. I could careless what they think.

[mikiSJ]

I have recently come out and have no where the confidence of Lorileah or Allie. But as for my neighbors knowing, I think if I were on my own, I wouldn't particularly care if the neighbors knew or not. My only concern would be if the knowledge brought out some bigotries I wouldn't want to meet.

My current concern centers around my wife's privacy issues and her not wanting anyone to know about Miki. Fair enough, and I don't dress at home - and I am ok with that.

[kimdl93]

I agree. I don't believe the reaction of others...or fear of their disapproval is nearly so powerful as self doubt.

[Beverley Sims]

There is a bit of I do it to protect me from my neighbors.
I have little to do with neighbors in my area and this is the least thing I want to share anyway.

[AllieSF]

"I fully understand that in today's society the general consensus is that TG people are Clowns, Perverts, Deviates or just flat crazy."

Lorileah, This statement of yours does not seem accurate to me. I do not believe that the general public thinks like that. Yes, many do. However, I believe that most just think that what we do is significantly different from the norm as to make them wonder why, maybe think that we have a couple, but not all, screws loose. I do not think that the majority would use the terms that you use. I have been out in 3 different States and read about others going out all over the place. Very few of those ever really says that is the reaction they get form strangers. It is like the point you are trying to make that what other people really feel and what we may correctly or incorrectly perceive how they feel are probably two totally different things.

[Frédérique]

Do we stay in the closet because we want to protect the people around us or do we do it to protect ourselves?

I can honestly say it’s a little bit of both...

I feel I have to protect myself. I want to be happy, and I am responsible for my own happiness. Since others have a hard time understanding me, or what I do, I keep to myself. This is based on many personal experiences. I don’t wish to end up turning my back on crossdressing, you know...

On the other hand, my neighbors have four small children, and we all live in a very conservative area. I don’t wish to embarrass anyone, or jolt the kids into a wider reality, or force the parents to explain MY behavior to their children – I would imagine they are ill-equipped to tackle such an undertaking, and I’m not interested in preaching to the sentient-challenged around me...

Meanwhile, I can keep to myself and not bother anyone. It just makes sense. Protection is a noble cause, if you ask me...

[Chickhe]

Its both and neither. I just want to preserve my current lifestyle with my neighbors and friends. Its to protect my children from bullies and its to protect myself from loss. And, yet also I'm out in full view sometimes when going to parties because it something fun to do and its plausible.

[GaleWarning]

I am a teacher. I work for a ministry of education with serious double standards in a country which, on the surface, seems LGBT friendly, but in fact is quite the opposite.
So ... am I in the closet for myself or to protect the neighbours?
What do you think, Lori?

[reb.femme]

Personally, I couldn't give a rat's bottom (keeping it clean) if the neighbours saw me, save for the fact as I always quote in these types of thread, I like my windows with glass in them. It has happened.....fact! My neighbours would obviously have a giggle over it behind my back if they knew or know , but ultimately, I'm pretty sure they would be OK, with the exception of one family.

Plus, the other oft quoted worrier, but seriously true for me, 'I will not visit problems on my wife of any order', due to my lifestyle choice!

Rebecca

[Lorileah]

It is like the point you are trying to make that what other people really feel and what we may correctly or incorrectly perceive how they feel are probably two totally different things.

So true. In actuality, I have found just the opposite when I am introduced. There is often a curiosity or intrigue. There is the wonder of "why would you do that to yourself?" But I live in a place where for the most part, people are more open. I can tell you that where I grew up I would be considered a pervert or deviate (even by my own family). Then again they still believe most of what they have heard of other minorities. (caveat-my observance of older people in the area...I have no idea how the younger generation would react).

On the other hand, my neighbors have four small children, and we all live in a very conservative area. I don’t wish to embarrass anyone, or jolt the kids into a wider reality, or force the parents to explain MY behavior to their children – I would imagine they are ill-equipped to tackle such an undertaking, and I’m not interested in preaching to the sentient-challenged around me...

And what you are saying is exactly what I tried to explain to someone a few weeks ago. I said that I could "Go anywhere I wanted to go." I just would not go to "Chucky Cheese" because I would not want to put teh parents into a bad situation (I wouldn't go there anyway...the place scares the bejeesus out of me). But was I protecting the children? ...from what..life? that there is far more Horatio than is dreamt of in your philosophy? Or from me having to explain something they have been told is wrong?

I am a teacher. I work for a ministry of education with serious double standards in a country which, on the surface, seems LGBT friendly, but in fact is quite the opposite.
So ... am I in the closet for myself or to protect the neighbours?
What do you think, Lori?

Certainly not the neighbours Clay. You have to protect yourself and your job. As I said there is no correct answer. You have to protect what you have and what is important to you.

The hardest person to come out to would be your SO. Because you believe that your investment in them is bigger than any other group or person you know. And that fear is what keeps people from telling early. You fear you will lose the best thing you have ever had. And yet later that is exactly what happens, but far bigger.

[Jenniferathome]

My cross dressing can't affect the neighbors, so the only reason I hide it from them is for me. So, I dress at home and go out discretely. I do not want to deal with explaining or justifying. It makes life easier for me.

[Kate Simmons]

The neighbors (and such) are really on their own with this one. They have the choice of whether or not they want to associate with me and/or talk to me. Nobody is strong arming them in any way. That having been said, I just have fun being myself usually.

[Taylor Ray]

Over the years I have lived in different cities and communities and neighborhoods. Some of the more artistic cities and neighborhoods welcomed the diversity. Some of the more conservative communities were very judgmental. My artist friends are very accepting of different lifestyles. If some of my extended family knew, I don't think their minds would be able to process it.

I usually find myself dressed in the early evening and realize there is an errand I forgot to run and get tired of having to change. But my current neighborhood is conservative with lots of families, so for some reason I change before going out.

[whowhatwhen]

It's both and neither, sort of.
While I genuinely don't want to hurt, upset, or lose my family they also provide a convenient excuse to keep myself locked away out of fear.

In the end it always comes down to fear.

[Jamie001]

In the end it always comes down to fear.

At some point in our journey, we eventually come to the realization that the majority of the fear is in our own minds. In other words, we create a lot of our own Demons and some of those Demons are really very large in our mind.

[Launa]

I don't want to embarrass my family so I never leave the house dressed.

I really could careless about the neighbors even though I'm good friends with most of them.