Protecting the neighbors

[Miriam-J]

An interesting question, and one that I've been reconsidering recently. In my current home situation, I'm pretty cautious for various reasons. I don't want to deal with the unknown reactions of neighbors and coworkers in an area with predominantly very conservative (and judgmental) attitudes. I don't want my son to have to deal with this at his age since he has plenty of issues to address anyway, and any public knowledge could easily widen the circle to include him.

But we're now seriously considering a move to a new job in a new state, one with much more liberal attitudes, hundreds of miles from my son. Perhaps in such an environment I could be more open about my crossdressing. Perhaps. Definitely need to explore this possibility with my wife. Thanks for the food for thought.

Miriam

[lingerieLiz]

I have found that neighbors are much more accepting than one might think. I've had a lot of neighbors as I've moved around the country. I dated the girl next door who knew. The first room I rented after I was on my own, had a woman who didn't like finding my clothes and asked me to leave. At the next room I rented the landlady not only accepted but encouraged me to dress and date as a girl, my friend knew. Later, I lived in a complex with drapes, little did I know, that hid nothing. One day a neighbor said they enjoyed the show. I've been walked in on and had neighbors walk into my drive or backyard while I've been dressed.

In all my many years I really haven't had bad times with neighbors. HOWEVER, I do understand the fear of embracement one or one's SO might feel. Children are especially subject to ridicule about one's parents especially if the rumor gets to school.

[Stephanie47]

Until recently my wife would go to Chicago to visit our daughter. She has recently relocated back to Washington. While she was in Chicago for 7-10 days I had all the opportunity to be en femme and I essentially tried for 24/7. I did go out in the evening for strolls and drives. I had no real place to go to take care of any type of pressing business. I found the entire experience was overrated. I have much more enjoyment being en femme around the house and backyard doing things I enjoy.

As to protect the neighbors? No. To protect my wife and kids from ridicule? From being shunned? Yes. Years ago my wife told me it was alright with her if I chose to attend a support group. I didn't take her up on it. I don't feel I need support to justify myself.

I guess it all depends what one is searching for in life.

[Barbara Ella]

My wife asked me not to go out in our town, and not to leave the house dressed. I am free to take a road trip, get a motel, and go out as I please. I haven't, even though I found it quite relaxing the four times i went out last year.

She does not want me to be ridiculed in any way. or our family to be bullied (her word) over this being spread around town. If not for them, I would be going out. The gossip would spread like wildfire in this town.

This was brought home to my wife, and set her back a bit in our dynamic. Our hairdresser, while discussing weird, brought up the gossip that a well known and respected member of our community was a crossdresser, and he would go to a close by town when he was dressed. NEWS TO ME, but I don't go around trying to figure out who is or not. Of course the hairdresser went through all the stereotypical things associated with cross dressing, and added a new one that if they are not gay, they are all bi sexual. Wife presented facts without seeming to know too much. Her takeaway from this was that even for a University town, the populace is not very friendly to us and I needed to be very careful.

I respect her feelings. She has to truly accept me before anyone else will.

Barbara

[Eryn]

I'm not close with my neighbors, but I don't want any word-of-mouth to splash back onto me or my family. Therefore whenever I venture out dressed it is to drive into the next valley or further. Luckily, I am pretty well shielded by physical barriers when getting into my car so getting out of the driveway and down the street is relatively easy.

[Amanda M]

I am 'closeted' in my very small, conservative Spanish town. I do this (a) to protect my wife from ridicule and (b) to protect her, and my, professional standing. We are very close to our neighbours. One couple might be accepting, but the other would not. Indeed yesterday, the male part of the couple was going on about 'homos' and 'poofters'.

I'm not happy with that sort of conversation, but apart from his apparent homophobia, he is genuinely a great guy. It's horses for course, isn't it?

[mikiSJ]

Amanda, I am not sure how long I could live next to someone who refers to gays as 'poofters' - yuck!

[noeleena]

Hi,

This will depend on how im dressed, what clothes or the time frame they represent, 1900-14 or 1400 -1700 then it could be in Scottish ,

three different groups, i belong to.

Now the ? will be neighbours , all know many of the clothes i wear. so are very used to me on that score, down the streets here of Waimate, all know,

So who would be embarrised, those i know or myself & then family. 16 of us, if any one is embarrised it will allways be myself & you all know why.

I have people come up to me not just those i know , strangers & say how lovely we ...i... look yes i get embarrised, more so when they wont to take pics of us & myself,

I enjoy what we do. we plan for we do our displays & people appressiate what we do so its worth it, if you see us i know youd be blown away with our clothes & how we present our selfs,

i dought many here if any would dress like our groups yet i know many would love to & how you'd look would be pretty neat, makeup & all. if you could you'd only see me behind my camara, doing & knowing my place as the camara woman. the look is in the 1860's though for this group its the 1900 -14, Edwardian times,

...noeleena...

[Sandra1746]

I live within the "mid Atlantic corridor" but have a fairly-rural location; see my post on foxes in my yard. The neighbors are well away from the house and so they are not much of an issue. As long as I'm not waltzing across their yard in my skirt I feel they can fend for themselves. Mostly they either don't notice or don't care.

Just living,
Sandra1746

[Princess29]

I've been really trying to analyse most aspects of my crossdressing lately. I feel that due to one of my neighbours having an extended period off from work and therefore is home pretty much all the time and him having a tendency to want to come out for a chat when he hears my front door opening (at any time of the day or night), I'm very reluctant to go out. Nobody else in the block does this. Its none of his, or anyone's business what I do but I worry that if I just say "screw it" and go out wearing what I like, when I like, when my parents come for a visit or someone from work does too, that he might blab or say something to them and I wouldn't want them to do that. I just want to dress, go to my car, go do my thing, come back home and then go into my apartment and not have to worry about anyone in unit block wanting to talk about it or how I may be dressed.
I realise that gives him too much power.
I wonder that for something that is supposed to feel good, do the added stresses associated with the experience still make it worth doing?

[Kalista Jameson]

Hello,

I think it may have to do with the time each one of us decides to move forward with our crossdressing. Is it during a time when we are young, and lay all the cards on the table for the world to see, before we get too entrenched in relationships and life? If I could go back in time that's what I'd do and then go about my life dressed as I pleased, making new relationships along the way with that forefront all the way. But we all know it doesn't work that way. For many, the courage to crossdress openly seems to come later in life, when we've gotten some world experience, good or bad, and often times when we're involved in relationships and building families and careers - all of which adds an additional layer of worries about actually expressing ourselves openly.

I can only share my story and how I am going about it. I knew I had this side of me since grade school in the 1970's and did my best to keep it hidden all through the 1980's and '90's. When it never went away, though I'd had a few girlfriends, I knew I was working too hard to deny part of myself and questioned the healthiness of that. When I met my ex-wife in 1993, I told her about myself months before we got married and she was okay with it privately but not around the family and friends. I was elated to have that, so I took my bone contentedly and buried it in the back yard. While in that marriage, I often fantasized about going out enfemme, but did not, partly because of fear, mostly because of what it would mean to my marriage. I loved and respected my ex-wife and had no wish to embarrass her in any way.

Time rolled on, other forces took us apart, and now I am single with a sixteen year old daughter who knows nothing of this side of me. So now I am in a balancing act of trying to figure out how to be Kalista and not bring stress and confusion into my house. I think I've come up with a satisfactory solution for now. I've decided to keep my femme side on the DL until she is out of high school and then share it with her. Until then, I dress privately, and have opened up to a handful of trusted people in my life, mom, brother, two close male friends, pretty much my inner circle and the only ones I care about the most when it comes to knowing the fullness of me. Only my kids remain to be filled in, and I have a stated plan for that. So in the meantime I keep this part of my life selectively hidden.

As far as the outside world goes, the UPS guy, neighbors, store clerks, passersby, I genuinely don't care about them. When my kids know, then I'm all about unrestricted expression, save for work. That area stays as is. Should anyone there find out about Kalista, I'll just keep it professional and let them know my private life is not up for discussion. There are all kinds of "what if's" that could be noted, but, isn't that true about anything?

So that's where I am as far as the OP's question goes as far as why I don't go out. It's not for the neighbors or community, but rather something more personal to me. My kids.

Cheers,

Kalista

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Kalista, you've made many great points. I couldn't come out young growing up in the '60's and '70's so I repressed it and hid my activity. Would have been nice to come out before building relationships, etc.. My first wife was okay with it but we eventually divorced in 1984 because she finally couldn't deal with it thinking I had to transition. I admire anyone who faced the struggles back then. Eventually the ex told my daughters the reasons we divorced and I just found out a year ago, and they are fine and still love me regardless. They are in their 30's. I've been with my 2nd wife since the late '80's and who has been nothing but a supportive angel. Today at 60 I recently learned that my in-laws knew about me before we married. We all have a loving relationship.

Today it's much easier for me to have confided in some trusting friends. It has reduced my stress to hide it and yet explore what I can do to experience a liberating feeling. Earlier in this thread I posted about neighbors. But with anything I do I will protect and try to spare any embarassment of my wife with her family, my family, for myself, and maybe the neighbors who either won't care, or have something to talk about. It's a fine line tightrope.

I know a Fedex delivery guy who, while not specifically naming or outing anyone, has told me he's seen it all, and so what?

I'm also retired so I don't have to worry about the one paying my salary although for those who whispered behind my back when I was working, they're history. They cannot hurt me now. Besides, my attitude if I needed to respond would be, "Believe what you see and half of what you hear."

Cheryl

[kimdl93]

Barb, You can't judge a whole community by the comments of a gossipy hairdresser. She may simply be echoing what she thinks is the attitude of her customers, particularly if she has an older clientele.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Here's another golden rule for those of us who choose to disclose to people we might trust, or who may have detected our preferences. It took me awhile to learn that if someone is talking to me about someone in a negative way, they're probably talking about me too. That's why I listen carefully to people.

Cheryl

[Sam-antha]

It is hard to generalise about anything, least of all the neighbours and others who get lumped into the category of neighbours in this thread. However, certain groups must be perhaps exempted from the chat. For instance, teachers who are never (?) entirely free from observation anywhere in there home area. Ministers too cannot stray too far from the norm. Doctors of the GP variety and Dentist are what could be perhaps described as a moveable feast in as much that if one of two of their patients do not like what they see/hear, then they are free to go elsewhere.
There is also the neighbourhood and to me the main factor is simply answered by the query ; “Are any of the neighbours associated with is that which concerns life inside a married home and that can only be answered by the individual.
Outside of these groups there is the question of age and therefore of tolerance and the very necessary ability to pass in the world. With age comes an increased sort of selfishness in this and most other areas of life. My feelings are best described by quoting Otto Klemperer’s retort to his record producer when the latter disagreed with Klemperer’s reading of a certain passage of something.

You will get used to it”

That being said, the disapprovers are accounted for and the majority of acceptors are still happy, (Possibly in ignorance)

.~Samm

[Barbara Ella]

Kim, you are exactly right, and I put no stock in anything she said. I was just concerned that such a prominent person who seemingly tried to go unnoticed, was "out" to the town (well, maybe everyone but me. God I am really too closeted....lol). My wife then takes the position that this opens him and his family to the uneducated bigoted barbs of the community, and this is one of her biggest fears, and it did set her back in our discussions of me doing the things I need to do.

You can't protect yourself once you are "outed" to the community, and I wonder if protecting the neighbors can really be accomplished if the rest of the community knows.

Barbara

[Cheryl T]

The only people we avoid finding out are the family and close friends. As for the neighbors, even my wife says the heck with them if they don't like it. We go out from the house when we go and sometimes we will just take a walk around the neighborhood together. I don't care if they know, but I was always protective of my wife till the day she said she didn't care if they knew or not.
That certainly freed things up for me.

[Jamie001]

I am 'closeted' in my very small, conservative Spanish town. I do this (a) to protect my wife from ridicule and (b) to protect her, and my, professional standing. We are very close to our neighbours. One couple might be accepting, but the other would not. Indeed yesterday, the male part of the couple was going on about 'homos' and 'poofters'.

I'm not happy with that sort of conversation, but apart from his apparent homophobia, he is genuinely a great guy. It's horses for course, isn't it?

I don't think that I could consider a person that is a bigot to be a "great guy". I certainly would not be friends with him. I really believe that we need to stand-up against bigots and let them know that their bigotry is not appreciated and that they will be ostracized for promoting bigotry. It's the least that we can do.

[Tracii G]

Interesting question Lori and some great answers.
I'm single and I dress as I please so my neighbors see me in both modes.

[Leah Lynn]

I'm late to the party, as I was on the road. In the town (pop. about 5,000) where I live, there has been reputedly, two or three cd's before me. I know who two of those individuals are, but have never talked to them. Whenever one of these people come up in conversation, or the conversation gets to cd's, everyone in this town that I've talked to that mentioned them, has acted like a leper had moved to town. Without exception, every one has acted like it's creepy, perverted, disgusting, and most any other adverb that fits. EEEWWWWWW... Oh, ick. Nasty. Ah, yes, and we're all gay. That's the clean version; I'd be kicked off the board if I gave a direct quote. Needless to say, I'm protective of myself. I'll dash to the car to go elsewhere to go out. I will walk about as androgynous. But NEVER fully dressed.

As a matter of fact, I am looking to relocate. I want to be ME!

Leah

[linda allen]

Some background is necessary here. I have gone out dressed a few times in the past few years. All before my wife knew about my dressing and all when she was out of town visiting family. I had a cheap wig and boobs, shoes, etc. hidden away just for those occasions. I never told her about those outings.

Now that she knows about my dressing, I haven't been out. Not because I'm afraid to, but because she would be embarassed if anyone saw me or knew I was a crossdresser. I was close to getting her to take me out dressed and just drive around in the dark but I could tell she was really uncomfortable with it so I backed off.

To be honest, I don't want anyone I know to know I'm a crossdresser or see me dressed so I would take steps to get out of the house and neighborhood and return unseen like I did before. I've always gone places where I'm unlikely to run into people I know like downtown in the tourist area.

She may be going out of town again to visit family so I may get a chance to go out again. I imagine the subject of going out dressed while she is away will come up before she goes. My guess is, she won't be thrilled, but she will be OK with it.

edit: After reading the rest of the responses, I have to say that if you have young children living with you, it's important to protect them. That probably means not letting them see or know about your dressing and as someone pointed out, not letting the neighbors or parents of your children's friends know or find out. Like it or not, most non crossdressers think of us as "strange" at best and "perverts" at worst. You don't really want the neighborhood children not being allowed to play with your children because you are thought of as a possible pervert.

As for neighbors. well my wife and I are friends with neighbors on both sides and across the street. Not close friends, but close enough that we bring in each others mail and mow their lawns when one is out of town, help with home repairs, and take care of each others pets when necessary. Coming out to them as a crossdresser would be uncomfortable fo me and for my wife. Strangers - I don't care what they think.

[Amanda M]

A little point about my bigoted neighbour. I suspect that most of us have attitudes and opinions that are less than perfect. Her is a guy, for whom nothing is too much trouble when help is needed, a great family man and so on. Perhaps with time and education he may well change his spots. Since I am less than perfect, I find it reasonably easy to overlook this tiny part of his personality - after all, the only person who loses by it is himself.