Speed bump

[stefan37]

There is your problem right there. Dressing pretty conservatively.

[Michelle.M]

Huh? How is dressing conservatively the problem?

[stefan37]

umm sarcastic humor maybe

[Michelle.M]

Oh. .

[Nicole Erin]

Confidence comes in stages. I dont think the apprehension ever vanishes completely.
But like at first when it happens, it hurts enough to ruin your day. After a while, it might ruin the moment is about all.

The important thing is to concentrate only on friends, family, and those who really matter. Think about strangers who laugh or stare - it is not like they would have been potential friends anyways so who cares what they think? You ain't gonna see them again anyways. Or if you do and they seem obsessed with you, it is cause they cannot admit to themselves that they think you are fascinating or even cute.

[Nicole Brown]

It happens, no matter what we do nor how hard we try, it happens.

My daughter, who is my biggest supporter and cheerleader slips every now and then. My cousins also slip on occasion as do some of my friends. In fact, the only person who knows me and has never slipped and referred to me by my former name or improper gender is my 99 year old uncle, bless him.

Recently I had to go to Home Depot to pick up some more cartons so I can finish packing for the move to my new condo. As I entered the store their 'greeter', an elderly gentlemen, and I use the term gentlemen loosely, greeted me by saying 'Hello Sir, what can I help you with?' Now, I don't believe I in any way looked like a Sir and was ready to say something. But before I could say anything the cashier at the returns counter came running over, walked right up the the greeter, pushed her face up to his and said 'What can you help her with, you can apologize to the lady for calling her sir, that's what you can do. What the hell is wrong with you?'

He did apologize and offered some lame excuse, but the damage was done, it ruined my day. You know, some days I can almost understand something like this occurring, but not on this day. I was wearing a yellow sundress with frills at the bodice, matching flats, full makeup and my new wig. I was meeting a friend for lunch and wanted to look just right, I really thought that I did......

[kimdl93]

I had one little let down last week...when a cashier referred to me as sir when a ma'am would have been much better received. Oh well, she got a lousy tip and the rest o lunch went fine!

[Jennifer Marie P.]

You will have bad days dont worry chin up and get back in the saddle.

[Inna]

YES! and this is how you are forced by nature it self to be absolutely sure of your path. If transition would be easy, such as few wildely known scenarios, where a dude has a feeling of wanting to be a beautiful woman, has a lot of financiaL backing, does all the expensive surgeries and after a while screams, I Want to DETRANSITION, it was all a lie!

Nature has this wonderful filter built in, it is called pain. Through which, all the way through transition, we are faced with redicule, loss, outcast, repeated over and over until we our selves grow within, allow her to become the active part of life. Only then from perspective of experience of growth we can see the wisdom in all that pain.

Pain doesnt stop those who must, however, those who perhaps are not entirely within the grasp of TS Dysphoria will waver and dismiss the groosome drive to become a woman, because they are not!

If you find your self in pain, yet not able to stop the pursuit, rest assured, you are on the right path

[Lorileah]

Confidence comes in stages. I dont think the apprehension ever vanishes completely.
But like at first when it happens, it hurts enough to ruin your day. After a while, it might ruin the moment is about all.

Very true. I am very confident usually. This was just a bad day that started with ME not liking what I saw in the mirror. When I lost my confidence, the rest was a house of cards.

It happens, no matter what we do nor how hard we try, it happens.

I know it will, I have to grow thicker skin

...their 'greeter', an elderly gentlemen... greeted me by saying 'Hello Sir, what can I help you with?' Now, I don't believe I in any way looked like a Sir and was ready to say something. What the hell is wrong with you?'
...I was wearing a yellow sundress with frills at the bodice, matching flats, full makeup and my new wig. I was meeting a friend for lunch and wanted to look just right, I really thought that I did......

What was he thinking? Really?

He did apologize and offered some lame excuse, but the damage was done, it ruined my day.

And it does, one thing that most people would see as being small can be huge to us. I would like to attribute it to ignorance but in this day that is a weak excuse. I know that in my case the other night it was because the people had known me as male for a long time and they didn't even think about it

You will have bad days dont worry chin up and get back in the saddle.

I am, last night rejuvenated me. I am happy again.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Lorileah, you said, "I am, last night rejuvenated me. I am happy again."

Glad for you! What a difference a day makes! Actual speed bumps upset us quickly, and then the road becomes smooth again. The upset is temporary. Then we can look back and say it's just part of our history.

Cheryl

[sandra-leigh]

Little things upset me terribly (like people I know referring to me as "he" and "Him'

Yesterday I had to fill out a government form. It had to be in my legal name (sigh). But for no good reason, unlike every other form in the same series, it needed me to tick off one of "Mr.", "Mrs.", "Miss", "Miss". I looked at that and my blood pressure started rising, and I clenched my fists for about 5 seconds and said "Arrrrgh!". Because government records have me as "Mr." and it was important that they do not reject my application on a mismatch, but I ain't no Mister. Especially considering the form was at my gender doctor, and this form will in effect be the first official notice to the federal government that I have gender dysphoria. I thought about it for about 45 seconds and then ticked off "Ms", reasoning that there is no official meaning to any of those titles, and if their purpose was to inquire about sex then they should have done that instead of asking for a title.

That's life in the trans lane, when you want to throw routine correspondence against the wall because it tries to mis-gender you.

It's called a "reality check". Don't just blow it off.

I get the impression, reading your posts, that you would probably tell my mother that she doesn't "pass". Take what I look like when I'm tired, dry out the skin some, and more vertical crease lines, and you get what my mother looks like -- not just "there is a family resemblance" but instead "people who have been friends with my mother for 25 years confuse the two of us in face pictures".

You have been a big advocate of the "don't go out unless you are perfect" view. Well, reality is that at my age, many GG are less than "perfect" when they are buying groceries, getting gas, going to appointments, buying a regular cup of coffee, and otherwise Getting On With Life.

I don't live my life to conform to society's mistaken notions of what people "should" look like. I go as far as to take a brush to my bad hair before going out for the day. WWWD (What Would a Woman Do)? My wife puts on a bit of lipstick and might add a bit of rouge, and then it's out the door in whatever she happens to be wearing; the lipstick is the only thing she consistently bothers to "make time for". If you were to seriously suggest that she ought to be wearing her pearls to go to buy milk, she would respond with an incredulous exclamation. And if I were to wear the pearls I would stick out, not for looking male but because no-one around here wears anything like that unless they are going somewhere fancy.

Reality check?

The woman I sat beside on the bus yesterday couldn't be bothered to look up from her smartphone to see what I looked like -- and couldn't be bothered to shift an inch further left even though she was taking up more than half the seat. But a short time later, when I was standing again, after some people got off, a woman sat down in the back seat, glanced up to see me standing there, flicked her eyes at the two guys seating further along the back seat, curled her lips briefly in momentary displeasure and pushed her eyes and forehead up a little, conveying "Men!" about the two guys taking up room, and pushed herself further over with her hands while tilting her head towards me a bit, and thus made room for me to sit down. The flash of expressions and movements did not convey "People ought to be looking to make room for other people!": it conveyed "Guys should make room for not-guys to sit down." This woman I had never seen before, quite unconscious of doing anything "special", had, in less than a second, observed me in my jeggings and plain top and barely-colored lips, and had mentally classified me not necessarily as being "female" but as "not a male".

That is how the majority of people around react to me: Not A Male, Not A Kook, Not A Threat, but rather a Person Doing Person Things. As in, "Of course he's wearing a dress; what's strange about that?"

Anyhow: Lori, there is, naturally, an important difference between "fitting in" well as a Non-Male, versus being a Female. You need to decide where you want to spend your energies at this time: is it important to you to be perceived as a Female, or is it more important to you at this stage to be perceived as doing what is right and proper for you ?

[Barbara Ella]

Lorileah, your outings have always been inspirational. Just remember that everyone....EVERYONE...regardless of anything have up and down days, so don't expect not to have your share. With transitioning, like all have said, you have a more sensitive spot (more like an open would) when you go out. It will get rubbed wrong, but that does not mean you are wrong.


And for God's sake, what woman hasn't felt her evening was ruined when she couldn't get her hair to work out right. Totally understandable why the rest of the evening just couldn't work.

Keep up the spirits girl.

Barbara

[MysticLady]

Is this a common occurrence? If so, I need to know so I can plan ahead on those days.

Always expect the topsy turvey feelings I'm afraid. At least when they hit your ready for them. Now, how to learn to "expect" is the next thing. Once you figure it out, please let me know.

[mary something]

I'm so glad you're feeling better Lorileah, hope that beautiful smile is back on your face!

Inna I really appreciated your post and perspective and reminds me of one of my favorite Buddha quotes

There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.

[Lorileah]

I sent an apology to two of the people who I had really disrespected by storming out. I told them that I was just upset for many things but that the major one was that my friends could not see me as a woman. I know theye didn't mean any harm but I was on edge.

Anyway I got a reply from both. They both said don't worry about it. But one said

I can't even imagine what you must go through while you literally have to live as two different identities. I can only hope that you have the willingness and the patience to deal with those of us who do not really know how to handle it in a way that is not hurtful to you. We don't mean to offend or hurt you but please understand that you have such a long time of coming to some terms with this and we are new to it all

So now I feel really bad. Not only are they trying to understand but they brought up a point. I have done this all my life. They have had about a year and I keep switching on them. They never know who will show up. It can be confusing. But that is how it is. They knew me "before". So I should not expect them to adjust overnight.

But the last two days have been 180 degrees different. I just spent a half hour with a client who is very supportive and wants to help (she is a make up artist). In the big scheme of things, most of the people I meet are supportive. Which is why Weds night was such a shock I think (and it wasn't even them it was ME).

If I am to walk this path I am going to have to learn there will be stumbles

[Jonianne]

Hi Lorileah. When I get "sired" I try to think of being Peppermint Patty, where they always call her "sir", even though they knew she was a girl. The hardest thing is when the most supportive ones tend to sir me even more than others. My full time at work begins Monday after next, so we will see if they continue or if I need to talk to them about it.

[Nicole Erin]

If people knew you as the male before, that tends to stick. There just isn't much you can do about it.

[pose007]

I have some sympathy for people who have a hard time accepting a name change etc. My daughter decided in her early teens that she hated her first name and preferred her second name and she was dead serious. I can not tell you how many times I made the mistake and called her by the wrong name. All in all it took me over a year to consistently get it right. She stuck with it and now everyone calls her by her second name.

[vikki2020]

We've all had those days--the trick is to get through them, and move along! After a while, you don't even fell the bumps in the road!

[Badtranny]

Hi Lorileah. When I get "sired" I try to think of being Peppermint Patty, where they always call her "sir", even though they knew she was a girl.

Only Marcie called her Sir.

Patty and Marcie are now running a cute little organic grocery & deli in Vermont.

[Jonianne]

I'm sure you are right, Melissa. Wonder why they live in Vermont? Hmmmmmm

[sandra-leigh]

Patty and Marcie are now running a cute little organic grocery & deli in Vermont.

There have been numerous people over the years who have said that Marcie was gay for sure, and had her sights on Patti; and there has apparently been a bunch of fanfic about the two of them entering into a lesbian relationship. I've seen it written that in the fanfic when Patti and Marcie are written as having threesomes, that it is usually with Pigpen (who is, one might recall, actually a pleasant person.)

[kellycan27]

Lori... Just put it in 4 wheel drive and put the pedal to the metal!