A question of honesty or a kindness to a loved one.

[Emma Beth]

Hi all.

As I sit here I wonder about a big decision.

I am embarking on a journey of big change, one baby step at a time, and I contemplate who and when to inform in my Family of my decision to transition.

I had just gotten back in touch with my Family back at the end of last October after not being in touch with any of them since March of 2001.

About the time I realized that I am trans this year, my Father went in for a PET scan for some problems in his back. The scan revealed a mass in his lungs.

Last week Wednesday he went in for surgery and it was discovered that the mass is cancerous and the Doctors will be starting him on therapy to help try and get rid of the cancer.

I am an emotional wreck right now with some of my own personal issues and worry about my Dad, but I am holding it together with the help of my Wife and my insane schedule at work for this Memorial day weekend.

All my life, my parents have told me how much they wanted their first born to be a son and that I was such a blessing to that wish. I know my parents love me for more than that, but that is a big part of how they feel as well.

My quandary of honesty and kindness is this. Do I tell my Father no matter what, or do I not tell him so he has his son to the end.

It's a big decision and I know that if I do tell him it will be received well and with love and support.

But I do love my Father and letting someone go with that kind of joy is a big kindness as well.

Thank you all for listening.

With Love and Lots of Hugs,
Jamie

[arbon]

I'm sorry for you dad and understand how you feel. You'll need to figure it out whats best, what feels right to you. There is not an easy answer. Its hard, I really feel for you.

I lost my dad last november. He had been fighting with cancer for a few years. I had struggled with that same question. I did not want to burden him at the end of his life with it, but I did. a couple of years ago I went and saw him and told him, I presented as male. I did it because I knew he would find out anyway, somebody would tell him - by that point pretty much everyone that knew me knew I was transitioning.

He dealt with it fairly well considering, but he did not have to see me presenting as a woman either. I am sure that would have been way to much for him. When ever we talked after that on the phone we would not talk about it. He told me I was still his son, still the old name to him, and it was going to stay that way. I was okay with that. I did not go see him again even when I knew he was getting close - I was so torn over it last year, whether to go see him or not before he passed. By that time I was full time, I did not want to go down and have to present as a guy again (pretty selfish) and I did not want to hurt him by being myself. He had always been so proud of me as his son, always talked and bragged about me - I did not want to take that any more away from him then I already had; showing up with my new name wearing makeup would have really hurt him.

So I stayed home.

it is not an easy decision to make and I hope you have some peace with whatever you decide.

[mary something]

You have a difficult situation to handle and my thoughts are with you. I cannot offer any advice about how to handle this situation. If it makes any difference many religions, including Christianity, teach that the afterlife is free of gender, and that gender is a consequence of the bodies we have here on Earth.

[stefan37]

When I made the decision to transition, it was important to me to inform my family. When to inform them was the question. I waited until my wife was more comfortable with the idea of me telling others that I took action and told my brother, sister-in law and parents the same day. I told my sister a day later by phone. My mother-in law is in her late 80's and failing health. Her mental health is suffering and my wife and I have made the decision to not tell her. She would probably not understand and why burden her with the knowledge.

How important is it to you that he knows of your intentions to change genders. Diseases and their outcomes are very unpredictable. Your father could be treated and live many more years. How far along are you in transition. Transition takes a long time and many months before changes become noticeable. You know how he feels about you, you will need to decide how much does it mean to you that he knows. Good luck with your choice however you decide and as Arbon said hope you have peace with whatever decision you make.

[Ann Louise]

JamieRobert,

My mom died three weeks ago, from leukemia. She was 80, and had a "blood condition" that she never let on the true nature of. We, my brothers, didn't find out until three months before she passed away, and although I was in the early stages of my transition I made the decision not to tell her, but let her memories of her little boy remain unaltered right up to the end.

I don't think it was the "right" thing or the "wrong" thing not to tell her about me. I think it's deeply, strictly personal. In my opinion, though, I personally think that all that we have, all that we are, and all that we will ever be is embodied in our current thoughts and memories, and when we pass, we just pass. You hold some measure of control of what your father's last thoughts regarding you will be, or perhaps better put, what they would not be.

Is the honesty you ponder truly for your sake, or his?

Warm thoughts for you dear in this trying time,

Ann

[Angela Campbell]

I am going to have to tell my Mother about this soon. She is almost 80, and very Catholic. She does have a somewhat open mind though. I will have to tell her because once the effects of HRT become apparent she will wonder what is going on. It may break her heart but I kind of feel like she deserves to know what is inside of me. She is probably the only one who ever unconditionally loved me other than my 2 daughters. All I can do is hope that really is the case.

[Emma Beth]

I would like to thank everyone for their kind words.

After much thought I have decided to just wait and see what happens. My Wife and I have discussed other issues related to this one and we have decided to wait until September and plan a visit and I will have to see how things are and how I feel at that time.

I came to this decision because I realized that I may be overreacting and entering a kind of panic mode over something that is a definite very real possibility. As I am unaware of the exact situation, I will have to wait until I find out more information as my own imagination will blow things out of proportion.

mary something, I know exactly what you mean about the spirit being gender-less. Being a very spiritual person, I am also aware that if I do not tell him before he passes away that he will know once he is on the other side and he will try to help me in any way he can from there as well.

Ann Louise, in answer to your question:

Is the honesty you ponder truly for your sake, or his?

The answer is a definite yes. It is for the both of us. I need to be honest with him, because that is what he taught me. He also taught me to be kind to others no matter what. Those two life lessons are where the dilemma come from.

I am in the very early stages of my transition to the point where I haven't begun HRT just yet. Everything is in the works and I am planning and researching. I am beginning to decide who and when to tell about my transition. How far I will go; I truly do not know at this point, but my heart says all the way.

Again, thank you everyone for your kind words.

Love and Lots of Hugs,
Jamie

[SilkenPrincess]

I learned the hard way that deception within a relationship renders the relationship virtually null and void. Deception has many faces. Outright lies, half-truths, and withholding of info are all methods of deception, regardless of the underlying motive. If you and your father share a relationship of mutual respect and love, then he will likely do his best to understand your transition. Also, if the relationship is one of respect and love, he would be disappointed if the information were withheld from him.
It won't be easy. It never is. Opening up to that degree to someone you hold in high regard can be frightening due to the perceived threat of damage to, or the loss of, the relationship. But, that is exactly what relationships are all about, opening up.
I wish you well.
Steph