Why do men cross-dress

[Lucy_Bella]

I was reading this article that asked this very question and the best answer was this one below.. What I found interesting was this article was open for people to reply on their thoughts about the subject. Reading the replies a GG named "Kay" explained she was married to a cross-dresser but didn't find out until 25 years later.

.
"One argument is that transvestism of cross-dressing is a way of offering a challenge to society’s preconceptions about gender. Some men cross-dress because they are unhappy at being men. Others didn’t mind the male state, but also like to put on women’s clothes occasionally. Some men cross-dress simply to make a passing social or fashion statement, and some because they have emotional needs that can only be met by the comfort that wearing women’s clothes gives them."


She ( Kay ) was so upset that he r husband hid the dressing from her yet stuck around another five years more before ending the marriage.. Below is a response to another ( Cder ) who felt "Kay" was wrong for what she did..


" Alan,
In response to Kay’s situation… How about this, If HE actually LOVED her(love is NOT unhealthy and deceiptful co dependence!), he would not have LIED to her for 25 years! Seriously. He manipulated her, hid who he was and what was important to him in order to keep her around for whatever reason, and then he springs this on her after 25 years! Really now? He robbed her of her entire adult LIFETIME with his deceptions. That is just cowardly, rude and selfish. If you read her messsage again, she STAYED WITH HIM for 5 years after he told her. Trust is not a priveledge, it is earned. It was the systematic 25 years of dishonesty that killed the relationship not his crossdressing per se. All of you secret crossdressers hiding the truth from your partners, Please take a lesson on ethics and integrity and courage. Your fear is your problem, your lying is your problem and then you victimize your unwitting partner for your own selfish needs. UGH!! My crossdressing partner when we first dated did not tell me. He chose to end our relationship after a very short time of dating because he did not want to lie to me, like he had to other women in the past. He did not know how to tell me the truth.(We are both mature adults in our 40′s) We remained friends, then out of the blue less than a year after we stopped dating, he told me the truth about his love of crossdressing. We became closer friends, and then began to date eachother again, with all of the cards on the table. I love my crossdresser and he loved me enough to give me the truth about his fears and his reasons for crossdressing to the best of his own ability to understand. As many of you know, you might not have all of the answers as to why you like to crossdress. I also love it that my partner shares with me his confusion and shows me all of the true aspects of who he is and what is important to him. Lying to and keeping secrets from your parter is simply WRONG.There is no acceptable excuse for it. Particularly something as important as this. Sounds to me like Kay has moved on, but has given the crossdressing community some sound and valid advice to be honest from the beginning. I don’t know what it is like to be lied to by a partner for 25 years, but I would think it would NOT be easy to come to terms with and just flipantly “move on” without some time for healing etc. Good for you Kay, you have set healthly boundaries!"

[Kelly DeWinter]

Hi Lucy;

Can you post the link to the article ? or the name of the article, it sounds interesting.

Thanks

[Lucy_Bella]

Hi Lucy;

Can you post the link to the article ? or the name of the article, it sounds interesting.

Thanks

Hi Kelly,

I'm not sure Forum rules will allow me to post this link ...I will post this as a P.M. for you tho ..Okay?

[Wildaboutheels]

SOME people NEED to tell. Others, SHOULD tell. Many have reported here, [and there can't be THAT many liars] that they DID tell and the Relationship [possibly a perfectly good one] ended simply from the disclosure. GGs don't have to accept. Another useless "damaging" Forum Myth. Love does NOT conquer all and going slow and hanging in there is not going to cure EVERY GG of her distaste for it. GGs have every right to any dealbreakers, the same way that men do.

Others "survive"/get by with DADT despite all the endless Forum proclamations that DADT is wrong and/or will/can never work. In other words, they are calling all the DADT CDers liars. The epitome of being both narrow AND closed minded.

[Lucy_Bella]

Great point Wild..

You can "google" the title of this thread and find the site I was at..It has a large amount of GG'S openly talking about their men who cd ..It's like an open forum of this sites GG's only section..Many great stories from what I have read..

[Kelly DeWinter]

Never mind , Found it;

http://www.crossdresserheaven.com/wh...n-cross-dress/

Kay's respones is a bit harsh, and she also alludes to other issues in their marriage.

As a personal note Hiding the fact you are Transgendered is a fairly common thing for people over 35 , it not uncommon to read posts here of people who were born ,spent their youth without access to the internet or information to grow up and live most of their lives NOT having a clue as to what these feelings of being born in the wrong body were about. The lack of information, the fear you are gay, the shame of not fitting in, the belief that marriage will chage you or at least keep those feeling in check. the stigma of hat it would mean socially, all lead to years of suppression, and at times depression, so ultimately you lie to yourself and to others.

[Leona]

Indeed, I'd be willing to suggest that anybody over the age of 30 who keeps their CD nature a secret from their spouse gets a free pass.

I think anybody younger than that is growing up in a world they need to take responsibility for at some point, and they need to be responsible for who they are. It's a different world than the 30+ age group grew up in. So for them, just like you need to speak up if you're in to BDSM, or if you have a really expensive race car habit, or whatever, you need to speak up at some point about being a crossdresser. GGs under 30 are also more accepting, I think. I could be wrong about that.

But it doesn't matter. The under 30 age group has spoken these past two elections, and LGBT are PEOPLE. So they need to step up and claim their rights as such. In the future, crossdressing shouldn't be considered an acceptable relationship secret because times HAVE changed.

However, I will still never equate crossdressing or any part of being transgender as lying. The fact is, you're being very honest when you express it, even in private. I don't understand how that can be called lying. Never understood it, never will. And keeping it private also isn't lying. So don't buy into that False Dilemma when it gets tossed at you. Privacy doesn't equate to secrecy.

[Dianne S]

Privacy doesn't equate to secrecy.

Hmm, that's a tough one. For me (and I suspect for many other crossdressers) cross-dressing is a very important activity that consumes a fair bit of time, money and energy. It's a pretty big thing to hide from your spouse.

I would say it's better to come clean before you're married. Otherwise, when you are found out, there will be huge feelings of betrayal.

When I told my wife (before we were married) I was incredibly nervous... pale and shaking. But I'm so glad she knew before we were married; it was a huge weight off me.

[Tara D. Rose]

Not touching this one. We lose.

[Heather Daniels]

Never mind , Found it;

http://www.crossdresserheaven.com/wh...n-cross-dress/

Kay's respones is a bit harsh, and she also alludes to other issues in their marriage.

As a personal note Hiding the fact you are Transgendered is a fairly common thing for people over 35 , it not uncommon to read posts here of people who were born ,spent their youth without access to the internet or information to grow up and live most of their lives NOT having a clue as to what these feelings of being born in the wrong body were about. The lack of information, the fear you are gay, the shame of not fitting in, the belief that marriage will chage you or at least keep those feeling in check. the stigma of hat it would mean socially, all lead to years of suppression, and at times depression, so ultimately you lie to yourself and to others.

I know I have said this before but, we really need a " like " button here.

[FoxxxyBri]

Never mind , Found it;

http://www.crossdresserheaven.com/wh...n-cross-dress/

Kay's respones is a bit harsh, and she also alludes to other issues in their marriage.

As a personal note Hiding the fact you are Transgendered is a fairly common thing for people over 35 , it not uncommon to read posts here of people who were born ,spent their youth without access to the internet or information to grow up and live most of their lives NOT having a clue as to what these feelings of being born in the wrong body were about. The lack of information, the fear you are gay, the shame of not fitting in, the belief that marriage will chage you or at least keep those feeling in check. the stigma of hat it would mean socially, all lead to years of suppression, and at times depression, so ultimately you lie to yourself and to others.

Understanding WHY people lie and condoing the lie are two different things.

At the end of the day, a lie is WRONG. Deceit is WRONG. Withholding the truth from someone you claim to love is cowardly and WRONG. Not telling everyone you know is understandable. But being cowardly about it to someone you are about to get serious with is inexcusable. Internet, new age culture or whatever else.

You'd get upset at any other instance of a partner withholding a major part of their self so why not this one? Blaming age is sort of an implication that older people dont have morals. The subject doesnt excuse the core point. That there is a lie being told to an intimate partner. I dont care if it's 1897. It's WRONG. And yes someone will say its easier said than done. But the truth has rarely been easy to begin with.

If you cant handle it then let the person go and keep the secret. I'd be highly pissed off if I were a woman and years later I find out my husband was a crossdresser. I'd dump his ass regardless. Not for the crossdressing but for lying to me. Because from what I've heard & seen. THe secret ALWAYS comes out. It would behoove you to be the one that tells it. Because having her find out from someone else will just make it worse.

[Badtranny]

Privacy doesn't equate to secrecy.

This is a brilliant distillation, but there are a couple of things that need to be considered.

I agree that an occasional or fetish CD does not need to come out. There is nothing wrong or unusual about having private time. The problem I have with closet cases is the cowardice most of them show about accepting OTHER people's lifestyles or kinks when in the company of their friends. If every closeted part-timer were to stand up for the rights of others then we would end the bullying and marginalization of LGBT people practically overnight!

The argument is always, "I don't want to be outed", but since when is defending someone's right to coexist the same as being? If you fought for integration back in the day did people think you were black? The fact is that many if not most of the closeted CD's are not publicly tolerant of alternative lifestyles such as their own.

It's fine to have a private life, but it's not okay to have a secret life while opposing other's right to NOT be secret.

[Rogina B]

Very well put,Melissa!

[Lucy_Bella]

Understanding WHY people lie and condoing the lie are two different things.

At the end of the day, a lie is WRONG. Deceit is WRONG. Withholding the truth from someone you claim to love is cowardly and WRONG. Not telling everyone you know is understandable.

Foxxxy,


Wow! The true meaning of a mutual relationship, someone got it!!Kudos to you and that's not a sarcastic remark..Very well put !!

This is not putting down every remark before this one you can feel like a victim as Kelly suggested ..But ask yourself ...How is that a GG's problem? . ..... Do we involve others ? Is this "our" issue and is it fair to them to accept us unknowingly?

No it's not at all and it doesn't matter what state of mind you are in or "spectrum" you are at!... No not acceptable...Not at all ,you can say we can't help it we are being our selves ..Right? But we didn't bring this to the table from the start and during the whole 25 years.. So then all the sudden things have to change when we hit our 40's? Like our wives are suppose to know this?

This is so true and for those who are not serious very easy to spot..

This is a brilliant distillation, but there are a couple of things that need to be considered.

I agree that an occasional or fetish CD does not need to come out. There is nothing wrong or unusual about having private time. The problem I have with closet cases is the cowardice most of them show about accepting OTHER people's lifestyles or kinks when in the company of their friends. If every closeted part-timer were to stand up for the rights of others then we would end the bullying and marginalization of LGBT people practically overnight!

The argument is always, "I don't want to be outed", but since when is defending someone's right to coexist the same as being?.

A very good point..Soon the fantasies wear thin.. The question comes down to this..."Are you serious or not"?..Why waste my time ?

[noeleena]

Hi,

Because im not a male ill see this a bit differently,

I can honistly say i dont understand why men wont or need to & as iv said if it were only clothes id understand , the detail is its not just the clothes its more its about being like looking like & acting like & to be seen like a woman. this is the crux of the dressing its trying to pass as a woman.

Because theres a mighty big difference between this & dressing in dress's or skirts as you know ill bring up our Renaissance men wear dress's & skirts, put them on our women or myself they still look nice & no one would know the difference, the dress of those days was pretty much for all intent & purpous the same.

Its to do with western thought over the last few years. maybe 100 or so you know what im getting at.

For my self its not the clothes it goes far beyound that.

So lets look at the person its about selfworth confidence & acceptance in them selfs & knowing who they are as a person. you take those issues by them selfs out of the person you have someone who retreats into a shell shuts down so maybe dressing is a prop & helps the person to have a life of sorts yet keeping a part hidden so is that the lie,

Theres another side as well abuse both phys & mental try liveing with that & then see what that does or being in a nuthouse meds elcshock treatment yea right.

first look at the person concerned then judge that person on what grounds according to who. what another thinks because thier life is oh so good you know above perfect.

Try throwing a few stones at myself & see the glasshouse fall i know what its like iv been there lived the bloody hell of it i know , Judge me im a failer, its a hell you dont wont to damm well know about, & im only a dammed intersexed person. yes a female gone wrong still a woman. easy to point out our faults easy to say you lied easy to put another down ........ Till youv been there & lived it , you dont know nothing , kick me while im down iv been fighting for 55 years to get were i am now, think about that, do you know what its like to be born wrong try crying out to be who you think you should be, you cant change that,
this is a bit about being different. dont judge the book till youv read it,

...noeleena

[Debs]

I read somewhere in the past we have an extra "Y" cromosome jean in our DNA

[noeleena]

Hi,

Debs, yes & a lot more beside's, a real mix. still thats part of why we are the way we are.

& thanks,

...noeleena...

[Mollyanne]

I read somewhere in the past we have an extra "Y" cromosome jean in our DNA

I gotta remember this (extra Y Chromosome) !!!!!! If this is true then I know why I x-dress.

Molly

[MisterEgurl]

The one thing I've taken away from discussions like this and the happiness and heartache of CD's who've kept the secret from those they love is that when I finally find myself in a position to be in a committed romantic relationship, I will enter with full disclosure, since, obviously, a relationship predicated on closed communication is doomed. I am thankful to everyone who has shared their positive and negative experiences with disclosure to SO's for their contributions. There is much to be learned from experiences of others.

I'm straddling that line between "old school thinking" and "new school thinking"; that is to say, I can see a large number of younger people in my life who would embrace this revelation about me and an equally large number of older ones who would probably distance themselves, walk away, or start praying for me LOL. Sure, there will be those who will surprise me and those who I could afford to extricate from my life (and probably should, since they would be immediately outed for being intolerant, inflexibly minded), but I feel that I'm at a good place with all of these people in the present "Don't Ask Don't Tell" environment I presently operate within and this DADT situation works for me at my present level of crossdressing. I'm comfortable keeping it at home alone. Sharing the fact that I crossdress is something that I feel only has relevance, on an interpersonal level, in my life, at a very defined level of emotional intimacy and I'm not at that level with anyone. I don't feel that crossdressing is so much a matter of my identity but a matter of my activity and just one expression of the foundation of who I am. I can and do express it in other ways that don't grate against the norms so much and it is satisfying. Will that remain constant? Probably not, but when the time comes, I'll just change tactics and disclose. But for now, I don't have anyone in my life I'd need to disclose this to. However I know I will need to when the time comes... if it comes... ever.

[TxKimberly]

I was one of those "cowards" at first. When my wife and I got married back in 1987, I hadn't told her. I lasted only a few weeks before the guilt just ate me alive and I told her all about it. That was 26 years ago and she is still here, so clearly things went reasonably well.

Here's the thing though. I used to sit here reading these posts and smugly think to myself "That's what you get for not being honest and up front with your wife. Anyone who doesn't tell their wife is wrong!". Yeah, well since then I've seen a good dozen marriages crash because of it. Even worse maybe, several of them still stay together because it is too much trouble to separate, but they more or less hate each other.
I no longer just glibly hand out the advice "Tell your wife and make it right." This is a highly personal and unique thing for every single couple out there. You know your wife and you know your marriage far better than anyone else does. Don't let others ram rod you or push you into doing something that your gut tells you not to.
Oh, and for all of you that are contemplating marriage - do the right thing and tell her FIRST. Don't wait until you have years invested in each other and you feel trapped where you are terrified to tell her. If you really do love her, you need to give her the chance to make an informed decision about the rest of her life. Yeah, I told my wife early on, but I've still had more than a quarter of a century of guilt for not telling her FIRST and giving her the chance to run . . .

[Jenniferathome]

The net is rife with "answers" on any subject. These are just individual perceptions offered by people who think it must be "x" or "y". You can easily imagine that someone who knows nothing about cross dressing can easily assume that one cross dresses because they are unhappy being a man. Lack of knowledge also explains why the average person thinks we must be gay. All the average person has as a frame of reference is drag. Rue Paul does not represent me.

I want to add that cross dressing is never the cause of divorce. The paragraph provided shows that. Women don't have to like it, but they can handle it. Lying, they can't handle. I think where cross dressing and divorce meet is when the relationship is in real trouble, a wife/SO can throw in the towel when cross dressing is added in. And not because of the act, but because it was one more deceit that breaks the proverbial camel's back.

[Deedee Skyblue]

Why do fools fall in love? Why do they fall in love? Love is a losing game, love can be insane. I know, I'm a fool you see - oh, that fool is me!

Deedee

[DanielleLee]

Again... we're starting to see some of the deception / lying by omission debate. I agree... what's wrong is wrong. Not having told your spouse years ago or not telling a perspective spouse in this day and age is wrong. However it is understandable and more importantly forgivable. The whole attitude we as CDers face that we lied and because of it... we deserve whatever our spouses give us in return as a result of the omission when our spouses find out... I call BS on that.

If a divorce ultimately happens, then I do not believe and I agree with others above that that the CDing was not/ is not the sole cause. Especially for those of who grow up in a time before the internet and did not suspect or know that we really weren't that different or not the only ones. Knowledge is everything. Most all of us armed with the knowledge and support we have today in 2013 would have done things differently 15, 20 or 30+ years ago.

I apologize in advance to the OP and the moderators for getting off topic.

DL

[suchacutie]

The added complexity for those born well before the common internet is the lack of understanding that being transgendered is not temporary. Many thought it was an issue that would disappear after marriage. When it didn't the desire/need generated confusion, guilt, and fear. There was no sure path at that point. It was not an intensional lie, but suddenly it sure looked like one. How do you tell a spouse of many years thst you now realize you are transgendered? You know it's the right thing to do, but so much could suddenly go wrong no matter what you do. It comes down to a hellish uncertainty.

[Veronica27]

There is a world of difference between telling a lie, and not disclosing a secret, even to our spouse. It is not necessarily an act of cowardice to not disclose something, but can in fact be quite noble. As stated already, life has changed very much in the last thirty or forty years. Those of us who are senior citizens, spent our youth feeling deep shame about what we were doing. In most cases, nobody came right out and said that you should not crossdress because it was wrong, but the general atmosphere made you well aware of society's attitudes. Some had the misfortune of being caught and scolded or punished. We heard the laughter directed at people who were different. The definitions of "perversion" were very broad. Most of us were scared to death that someone might find out and did our utmost to keep our personal secret. We felt that it was something we would outgrow; something that would never recur once we were married and life's little sexual secrets would be known.

There are four possible answers to the question of whether or not to disclose this secret to our spouse or in fact to anyone.

The first one is the simplest and easiest, because it doesn't require a lot of thought, and gets everything over and done with quickly. Just do it. It could drive them away, destroy your life, ruin you financially and so on. Or it could be the best decision you ever made. Who knows?

The second one is somewhat more difficult, but still relatively easy. You simply carry on doing your thing in complete secrecy. It requires some thought and planning, and carries with it a certain amount of risk. The overall result could be satisfying, or completely frustrating depending on your circumstances. Again, who knows what the impact of discovery will be.

The third one is much more difficult and requires a great amount of will power. You suppress your desires. Many of us for one reason or another do this quite often, but we usually have the knowledge that it is not permanent to carry us through. A sudden relapse could be just as devastating as the impact of getting caught in the second approach.

The fourth one is the most difficult. It is doing the right thing. Nobody knows what that is, and consequently we must be prepared to spend long agonizing hours trying to determine what it is. In the meantime, we will find ourselves being overcome by method one, two or three and ultimately facing the fate that will befall us, even though our hearts were in the right place.

There is also an aspect to this that I don't believe anyone has touched upon. Just as our spouse may have no knowledge of our crossdressing and will thus feel betrayed, we have no idea what our spouse's attitude about crossdressing might be, especially if the crossdresser is her own husband.

In my own case, I believed that all of this would go away. When thoughts lingered after I was married, I attempted method three with partial success. Stress led me to try on some of my wife's things, and I did not hide that fact from her. She helped me get a few things of my own, so I would not touch hers, and she seemed to accept the fact that I might need this release once in a while. I carried on mostly suppressing my desires (which was made easier with the arrival of children and time constraints) until my wife's untimely death from cancer. I was devastated and vowed to give up crossdressing, purging everything, as my mind somehow associated my "perversion" with her passing.

After my second marriage, I was already well into suppression mode, when my wife asked me a very strange question. She asked if I had ever worn or tried on a bra. To be fair, it wasn't totally out of the blue, as I had just picked up one of hers to move it out of my way, and had it in my hand when she asked. I was completely honest with her about my past dalliances, and shortly thereafter, she had purchased a number of items for me, and encouraged me to make use of them as long as I did not let the children know. I can't say for sure that she is totally happy with my crossdressing and wouldn't prefer things to be otherwise, but she is certainly accepting of my needs and appears to be understanding. Perhaps this is the "right" method of disclosing our habits. The spouse should simply ask or disclose beforehand what her feelings are.

Veronica