Transition is only half the battle

[kellycan27]

A lot of emphasis is put on the importance of ones transition. How much thought have you put into living post transition? Realistic thought and some sort of basic plan (things change). Living as a woman brings on a whole new set of challenges.
Out of the frying pan into the fire sort of a thing.
A lot of the focus seems to be in getting there and living a "real" and " genuine" life and very little on surviving post. ( transition).... Just saying.

[mary something]

That is a question I ask myself, and hopefully the life changes I have made over the last few years will turn out how I hope they do. Kelly your advice would be very valuable on this topic. Can you pass on some of the lessons you have learned?

[Rianna Humble]

I would think that the planning would be very different at your age than at mine.

I am making some plans that I hope are realistic assuming that I can overcome the medical problems that are stopping me from having surgery.

Until that time, I would not feel happy even thinking about relationships. My job won't get any better post transition, but then again it shouldn't get any worse.
I may get back involved with representing people around where I live provided that the political party is as open-minded as the residents that I used to represent.

Unfortunately, because of the unwanted publicity that surrounds almost everything I do, I cannot just fade into the woodwork.

[kellycan27]

Agreed that my plan may not work for you, but I think we can each give it some thoughts based on individual circumstances. It's probably going to be a crap shoot at best, but anything that we can do to try and ease it up a bit could be of help.
I had a pretty long RLE, more by circumstance than by design. I concentrated on getting an education and saving as much money as I could. Saving for the cost of transition and getting a good education for the possibility of getting a good job post transition with the further possibility of having no one to depend on other than myself. I shied away from relationships.. I had no time for that. Dating now and then had to suffice, which wasn't all that hard considering the choices in the dating pool for a newbee transsexual. I was ok to spend a little time with or for sex, but nobody was anxious to take me out in public or home to meet their parents. This thread isn't really about my plan or how I did it, but rather the importance ( or not depending on your thoughts) of thinking and planning ahead for life after transition based on your own particular set of circumstances.

[Amy A]

Well I'm hoping that I'll be happier for a start, and that I'll be able to continue building my career. Beyond that, there are two many variables to be able to make a plan. I'm getting everything in place to provide some stability over the next three years, once I'm on the other side I'll be more informed and more able to see what the future might be like for me.

Like Mary says though, it would be interesting to hear your experiences/life lessons on this subject.

[Debglam]

A lot of the focus seems to be in getting there and living a "real" and " genuine" life and very little on surviving post. ( transition).... Just saying.

Something I have thought about quite a bit. To avoid the slings and arrows, let me be clear that I consider the fact that NONE of us can fully understand what is right or wrong for another of us as gospel. We can have opinions, offer advice, think about another's situation but with that said none of us can completely step into another's shoes.

As someone who admittedly does not feel the level of gender discord (innate gender vs. physical body) to compel me to transition I have often wondered where rational analysis comes into play. Personally, I am a planner by nature. Post-transition planning would seem to not only be critical but part of the decision to transition or not. What are you gaining and what are you losing? Do you consider, as Kelly suggests, what you will do for a living as a woman, where you will live, etc. It would seem to me that the overall quality of life before and after transition would be the basis of any decision making. The women that I know or know of who have successfully transitioned (think Jenny Boylan) planned out what their post-transition life would be. Of course luck plays a part but the idea of starting something as significant as transition with little or no idea of the end game would be terrifying for me, and dare I say foolish. Or is the compulsion always so great that the need to transition is like putting out a fire and worrying about rebuilding the house later? Even if it is that great, can it be held in check until a viable life plan is put in place?

[kellycan27]

One of life's lessons for me was how important it is not bite the hand that feeds you. When I came out to my parents I didn't do it in hopes of getting their support.. I did it to piss them off because because I was unhappy with them. I told them as a matter of fact that I was planning on transitioning whether they liked it or not and that they could do their best to thwart me, but they couldn't stop me... And out the door I went ( at their urging). I was 17 and a recent high school grad. They took away my car, my allowance and any hope I had of attending USC ( I'd already been accepted). They did eventually relent and pay my college tuition and for books and partial housing.... although not at SC.( my dad did that.. As far as my mom was concerned I could go pound sand).
I had no baggage and nobody to have to answer but I did have to learn self reliance.
To my parents credit they did teach me the value of education, independence and speaking up for myself.
That's when I decided that in order to succeed .. I'd need some sort of a plan.
I also have to admit that there was a fair amount of fantasy ... Becoming some beautiful and desirable young woman and living happily ever after. As far fetched as it may have seemed.. It did supply some incentive to stay the course.

[Michelle.M]

I have mixed feelings about this.

Of course, having a plan is always the best idea. Not only as a hedge against the uncertainties of life but because transition has a lot of steps to it and the biggest step is what happens after surgery, or what happens after you decide that you'll move ahead without surgery.

So what then? I hardly see anyone who has a clue. It's all about getting to the Promised Land and no idea of what happens once you arrive there.

In my case I had all sort of plans, well laid out and detailed, and they all crumbled due to a variety of unforeseen circumstances.

I thought I'd have no problem getting a job, but I didn't understand that the job market for veterans is a lot tougher than it ought to be. 14 months later I'm still unemployed. So I decided I needed to make my own opportunities and am (hopefully) going to grad school next term. Not part of the plan. Old plan crumbled, new one will probably be much better.

I thought I'd wait until I was post-op before I even thought about dating. Instead, I decided to just give it a whirl with no expectations beyond a lunch date or even just coffee. I ended up with a really great relationship that has had a very positive effect on my transition. We've been together a year now. Not part of the plan. Old plan didn't last, new one has made everything much better.

I thought I'd never set foot in a church again after hearing too much transphobic and homophobic nonsense from so-called Christians. Incredibly I heard about an accepting church and I went for just a visit, and it's been fabulous. I have great friends and a warm, loving environment, and I have been there over a year. I even became a member. Not part of the plan.

Sure, I had a plan, and I'm glad it didn't work out.

[Jhustagurl]

I definitely have a plan for life after transition, and have given it much thought. I have worked very hard in my life to this point to build a safe, secure, and productive life, and my plan is to continue doing just that. Knowing years in advance that I would transition, i worked extra hard to position myself as a highly valued employee, an asset that my company would be reluctant to lose, especially to a competitor. I have also slowly built a solid and supportive social environment so as to have people in my corner in my previous life leave, as they have done. What I didnt or couldnt prepare for was the saddness and emptiness that now lives where my wife and daughter once did. That loss has been really tough, and i hope i get thru it. It has been a year, and the wound is still bleeding. One final thing that is really helping is my ongoing relationship with my therapist. While I started with her to get a "letter" almost three years ago, the work we do together now is essential for me now.

Kelly, i absolutely agree with you that one must have a vision for the future in this. It is a tough enogh road as it is without building for what comes next. If i had to name one thing that is critical to long term success it would be obtaining the education and/or training needed to be comfortably self-supporting before getting too far down this path

[mary something]

Jhustagirl- the first year is the hardest when you lose a marriage from my personal experience, the second year was much better. I know perhaps this sounds silly but it really helps to have something to fill the void that is left in your time and life. I don't know if you are an animal lover or not, but you'll never have a better sleeping buddy and all around perfect companion than a little dachshund. having a good therapist is a great asset too, my gt has helped me so much too.

[arbon]

Not really I've just been working it out as I go.

[Kathryn Martin]

surviving post. ( transition)

Post surgery I experienced how much what I had done was just the foundation for what was to come. Something no one prepared me for what came next. Becoming whole is truly special when you have been crippled in some way for such a long time. It did not take a long time to realize that no one ever taught me to walk on healthy legs if you will. The years prior to transition have left marks, burdens and now it was and is time to make peace with them. For me this has become the real work of transition. What was before as important as it is was just a leveling of the field. But all the plants I had grown, all the weeds that had grown all the undergrowth of a life lived need to be cleared and they slowly are.

It is interesting if you work in a profession like mine how much credit you get by just being a man. No matter how much I did not assume this privilege losing it slowly, being communicated with as who I am, and understanding the need to now, finally dismantle these vestiges of a life lied for years is a matter of survival. For me understanding that my survival instincts who were suppressed for such a long time in favor of learned survival strategies was hard, difficult and unfamiliar. But for me it had to be and continues to be done, every day, every minute and my life. Allowing yourself to be, and not to permit yourself to continue the familiar because it is easier and often so much more convenient is a loving struggle with yourself. I was not taught by my mother and sisters how a woman dates a man. I know what is expected of him but in the moment not to let myself fall back on the known; but to experience how I would be in that moment informed, unconsciously by my upbringing, which I did not have brings a brightness of awareness to every moment of my life that is at times glorious, amazing and also painful.

I am a 59 year old women but the knowledge that I am barren has lived with me since I was a young girl surviving with a nasty disability. I still grieve for that girl that became a woman so late in life, with her and with me. I am one of those women who has never experienced the joys of becoming and then being a mother. I am now finally free to go to places in my life where going to earlier would have ended my life. And as painful and as hard this is at times I would not miss it. I have written about some of this on this board before, but the Promised Land for me is in sight and in reach. And I will survive to reach it.

It is an illusion to think you will be there once you transition physically and socially. Think about it like this, you align your body, you align your soul, your emotional anchoring in the world, but what of the spirit. If it finds it alignment, then and only then you will have reached the place you seek to reach. My thoughts!

[DaniG]

Sure, I had a plan, and I'm glad it didn't work out.

"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."

While I have no problem with making a good plan, post-transition life is years away. It seems unrealistic to make any plans that I have any confidence of following with. The advice I glean on this site even says to expect your transition plans to change, often early in the process. I expect things to fall out as Michelle's life did. That's how my life's unfolded so far.

But perhaps the exercise has value in preparation for thinking about the kinds of things that a post-transition woman's life might be like.

[Rogina B]

With "no dog in this fight" I am going to add that most often the transitioning girls that I meet with,have dreams of "it all getting better for them" but there is no serious plan as to how to make that happen.I do my best to "convince them" that they need to really get it together or they will remain "in the refrigerator box" that they have slid into. Cruel perhaps,but the truth.

[Beth-Lock]

Put aside lots of money for post-op care and even travel to specialists. Like thousands and thousands.

Still, people say you can see the way I am much happier now, in my face and in my eyes, than pre-op.

[Nicole Erin]

If someone is living their life during transition then things shouldn't really be any different once someone is "done".
If transition happened overnight then it might be a problem with "what now?"

With planning anything - plans are often nothing more than a list of things that didn't or won't happen.

For me, I don't think in terms of "how will my new presentation effect this or that?" Not like I am some winner in the game of life but I don't really believe things would be better or worse on count of my gender.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

This can be true of anything in life...

I like the idea of planning and then executing the plan

...the reason planning helps ALOT is that you can make better decisions when the inevitable problems pop up
...why not do your best to think of all the possible outcomes and learn about the best ways to get the best outcomes??

This is really difficult stuff and if you feel you don't have the will or energy to plan well, then it will fall on you unless you are really lucky...

[groove67]

I totally agree you need a plan post op. I am few months away but have made sure that i have my security taken care off as far as money by saving , purchasing condo, new car and taking care of things dowh the road. In almost two years at job two promotions at work and i am sure if it where not for my situation i would have gotten one of them, however i am not so stupid to cause a fuss as i have a very good job and know i need it so i just roll with these punches. As long as i can continue where i am at ok there. As far as being complete woman in society have given much thought and trying to use pre op time to make that as comfortable as i can but sure there will be suprises around the cornor.

[Michelle.M]

. . . I am going to add that most often the transitioning girls that I meet with,have dreams of "it all getting better for them" but there is no serious plan as to how to make that happen.

You're quite right. I see that a lot myself. Pre-op girls who seem to think that once GRS is done then something magical will happen in their lives and everything will fall into place.

If someone is living their life during transition then things shouldn't really be any different once someone is "done".

Exactly! Simply losing one's penis does not suddenly bring all sorts of womanly wisdom to our lives. Oh, sure, my underwear fits better, but otherwise my life is the same as it was before, except that now my body is congruent with my soul.

[DaniG]

Put aside lots of money for post-op care and even travel to specialists. Like thousands and thousands.

If it's not TMI, would you be willing to elaborate? There's a fair amount of information about what goes on during transition. What considerations are needed post-transition? Are they just lingering issues? Other stuff?

Still, people say you can see the way I am much happier now, in my face and in my eyes, than pre-op.

That's great!

[mary something]

It is an illusion to think you will be there once you transition physically and socially. Think about it like this, you align your body, you align your soul, your emotional anchoring in the world, but what of the spirit. If it finds it alignment, then and only then you will have reached the place you seek to reach. My thoughts!

Kathryn that entire post was beautiful and touching. Let's not forget that the modern process of transition as we know it was not designed by transsexuals but by older white men who assumed almost god-like authority that was granted them by a patriarchial society. A society that is organized and enforced by your very profession and the ilk (I can't imagine the strength it took to transition in the very heart of patriarchy like you did). It is very important that we as a community learn from our sisters lessons and share our experiences. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could start clearing some of those brushes and undergrowth beforehand by using the lessons of those before us? Perhaps we are not orphans after all but eventually can mother each other? Or perhaps at least we can keep from eating our young lol. These are things that even a brilliant man like Harry Benjamin would simply not have been able to comprehend because his vision was limited by his gender.

[Nigella]

I would rephrase the title to "SRS is only half the battle"

As in everything we do in life, the direction you take is driven by the choices you make. The standard pre-requisite for SRS is two years RLE, but RLE is a lifetime of experience, so how can you prepare for a future life in the gender you are in two years. The older you are before accepting yourself, the harder and longer it takes to unlearn that lifetime of experience that has shaped you. That magical bridge you cross with SRS is then burnt, be sure before you take that step.

[mary something]

That is a great point Nigella, because that is a doozy of a step if later you think... I don't know how you unlearn and prepare for a lifetime of experience exactly, but I think we are more capable of figuring it out ourselves than cisgender men are for sure

[kellycan27]

I am not sure what having a vagina has to do with planning your post transition life unless your plan is to work in the sex industry or walk around without pants. I have seen girls that were so obsessed with transition that it made them impotent to actually move forward.. They had their eyes on the prize and paid little or no attention to how they were going to survive post transition. As Kaitlyn said... " this could be true of anything in life". You plan your education, even though you aren't sure where it will take you if anywhere at all, but you are still more prepared than not. Even a half assed plan is better than no plan.

[Kathryn Martin]

Even a half assed plan is better than no plan.

I stopped recommending this, apparently planning is out of fashion these days. I think in the sense used here it is a really more of a life plan. I follow you on this one to wherever you want to go with this