Accept yourself...as male?

[dreamer_2.0]

I have a male body but don't know what or who is inside. All I know is that im depressed by the body and frankly hate it, especially one dangly part. I'm seeing a therapist to hopefully understand myself better.

I dream of transitioning, don't really care about what I lose as there's not much left right now, but looking into costs (particularly FFS) it will likely remain a dream. Couple that with the pain and persecution that accompanies transition, it all seems impossible. I'm very proud of the girls who, despite everything, accomplished the impossible. You're all very inspirational.

This may be the wrong forum to ask this question though,if it is, perhaps someone can point me in the right direction. I'm curious if anyone has accepted defeat in their pursuit of womanhood and learned to accept themselves as male?

A related question, do you think it's possible to accept yourself as male?

Thank you.

[mary something]

I really have no idea what's possible because it's such a personal question, the answer will really vary. You could always go for a really feminine male or metro look and see how that felt for a while. Some people enjoy a more androgynous presentation, perhaps you would too. Just experiment and see what is right for you.

If you feel like it may be possible to accept yourself as male then you should try to do just that, it would definitely be much easier physically!

[Ann Louise]

But the point is love, that we're NOT male. Read up and learn all you can. There's so much about us out there. Take deliberate care, Ann

[Barbara Ella]

Dreamer. Some of us may never move along the path that gets us to that point of unification of mind and body. I pray that while total happiness may not be achievable, it will still provide a degree of satisfaction that i/others can live with for the remainder of our life. Mine is short in comparison to most, so i speak from a very different perspective than the younger girls.

But no, I do not accept myself, but I may well have to live with most of myself. I pray that my mind can override my visual and I can live in a hallucination (OK, that's not gonna happen, as I gave those up in the 60's, although medicinal marijuana is comeing here in Illinois.......)

Barbara

[KellyJameson]

When you say accept yourself as "male" are you talking about accepting your body as it is?

Living your life as male? The flavor of your words seems to mean that you are forcing your gender identity down through repression and denial.

This is putting the "self" into your unconscious and walling your mind off from the self as you know yourself to be. This cannot consciously be done so it will keep coming back up into your conscious mind. You will be fighting with yourself inside your own mind trying to suppress your awareness of self but "you" will keep leaking out.

The sensation of not knowing what or who is "inside" could come from living with a unformed identity.

This could be caused by psychological trauma.

Not being allowed to live your gender is traumatic but there are other forms of violence that could also cause identity disturbances.

Sexual abuse, Child abuse, abandonment. Exposure to adult mental illness as a child.

This will not change or create your gender but it adds confusion to experiencing the self from the minds defense mechanisms built to survive the trauma.

Sometimes it is difficult to untangle all the different forces that shape us into "who we are" to uncover the truth of "what we are".

In my opinion you are doing the wisest thing and that is talking to a therapist.

In the beginning it is like pealing an Onion where you find one layer under another so you need to keep pealing by going deeper inside yourself.

This takes great courage.

It is interesting because your join date is 2009 but you have posted 41 times.

Did you have the same feelings in 2009 when you joined?

Please do not feel the need to answer if this is to personal.

I'm trying to get a sense of what you have been emotionally dealing with over the last few years.

Your words leave me with the impression that you have been struggling with this for many years.

You would be surprised with what is possible. People have transitioned at eighty years of age.

[Sephina]

You know i used to think that i didnt have a choice but to be doomed in a male body before last year i knew that GRS was possible but i had no idea that one could fully transition i had considered reassignment surgery when i was younger around 12-15 but then i figured it was just a phase then again at about 17 but never in my wildest dreams would i have though this possible. Now i can't live as a male and i wont do it.
Transition is a hard, long road one that is much easier said then done, and a journey that ive just set foot out the door on. I know its the right choice for me as for you i cant say but i would definitely do some soul searching cause this isnt a decision that i would advise taking lightly.

[DaniG]

If you're truly transgender, then repressing your true identity will only cause you more pain. Dysphoria will only increase with time. You can mitigate it through expression, find your balance, but over time it get worse.

But are you TG? Maybe not. Work through that with your therapist. Therapy is the most important thing you can do right now.

Good luck. I hope your wish is granted.

[Badtranny]

Not for me.

I gave being male a world class effort. I didn't even like being a gay male, I especially didn't like being a gay male actually.

It's all about how you want to spend the rest of your life. Do you want to live in the shadows? Do you want to have deep dark secrets? Do you want to spend a life pretending to be happy, or macho, or a ladies man? Do you WANT to accept defeat?

Accept myself as male? I finally came to a point where it wasn't for me.

[dreamer_2.0]

It is interesting because your join date is 2009 but you have posted 41 times.

Did you have the same feelings in 2009 when you joined?

Shortly after joining life through a curve ball and I had to move back in with my folks. During the few years prior to this I had been able to explore the girl within freely. After moving back home it all stopped out of fear and unwillingness to reveal myself. I stopped exploring and slowly became depressed and isolated. Then, towards the end of April I believe, I brought up my possible GD at therapy. Our discussions left me thinking about this inner girl and I finally started to take her completely seriously. I've accepted she's there and not going anywhere. It's time to do something. However, if I were to transition, it would have to be 110% in terms of SRS, body contouring, body hair removal, and, nature's cruel joke, solve male pattern baldness issue. I couldn't handle anything less and risk looking like an awkward man in a dress. Of course, seeking extensive work will cost extensive dollars. I'm not exactly wealthy (live at home, remember, not for much longer though!), so after looking at prices for various treatments, any hope of transition seemed to vanish leaving, well, me. Seemingly enslaved in this male body. Perhaps that's a little melodramatic...

I'm trying to get a sense of what you have been emotionally dealing with over the last few years.

Your words leave me with the impression that you have been struggling with this for many years.

You would be surprised with what is possible. People have transitioned at eighty years of age.

You are correct. I've wondered about things since elementary school, though I believe actual GD began in junior high, high school, and well, I'm in my early 30s now. Not knowing or understanding why I wanted to be a girl led me to suppressing it. As mentioned above, I had a period of a few years where I was able to explore freely, and had a girlfriend who both supported and encouraged me. The freedom was never experienced before, but then it ended. Suppressed again for years, until she exploded from hiding since speaking with my therapist.

So yes, I suppose I am looking for help on accepting myself in the male body I have.

[josee]

Anything is possible I suppose. But one thing is for sure, it was not possible for me to accept myself as male for very long. Sure tried for a very long time but the cost has been much more than money can ever buy back. I knew I was not like the other "boys" as soon as I started school. Told by people so many times "boys do not do that" that I began trying to accept myself as a boy. Picked on through out elementary and middle school for being a "sissy" and a "fag" I decided I had to try harder. Smoked a lot of pot through out my teen years so I didn't have to feel the pain. Suppressed myself long enough to get married right out of High School, two kids and a divorce later and I again found myself wondering if it was possible to live as myself for a few brief moments but still filling the void with drugs and trying to live as a rock and roll drummer instead cause that was sure as hell a lot more acceptable to me. Till I got into this cult church where I met my lovely second wife. Got off drugs and cleaned myself way up. Went to junior college I wanted to be a man and was trying to accept my supposed fate. Found the most macho job I could HVAC repair man! Did this for 20 years. Had a wonderful son who is graduating High School soon. The whole time all this was going on did I ever accept myself as a man? Oh I tried, but it never lasted long. The whole time I wondered what it would be like to live as I saw myself but I became a master at running from the truth, living in denial and stuffing my feelings instead.

Now three kids and two busted marriages in and it came roaring back again stronger than ever at 50. The path of human wreckage alone makes me cry myself to sleep sometimes when I let myself think about it. I wish I had just accepted myself for who I really am a long time ago.

Can you accept that kind of regret? If you are really transsexual, it's not likely it will last forever.

[PaulaQ]

The current scientific thinking is that if you are trans, your brain is hardwired to be female. You actually have feminine structure to your brain - it KNOWS it is female, and it craves feminine hormones. How well you can tolerate this depends a lot on you, and how GD affects you. You are likely to "accept" being male only in the sense that you "accept" being miserable for the rest of your life.

For me, I'd rather die than continue that way.

[Angela Campbell]

I spent a lifetime hiding from the world because I was different. I knew I was a girl inside but felt like I had to hide it. After a while the hiding place felt comfortable. Eventually it became hell and I just cannot stay there anymore. It never goes away. Once I started on the path to transition I could see some relief and there is really no way now to stop it. It is kind of like being in a bad marriage, you try to get along, you try to deny the problems, and eventually it all falls apart and there really isn't much you can do to stop it.

Accept myself as male? I never have. I can't really imagine accepting that.

[mary something]

dreamer- why don't you choose a name? Perhaps it will seem more possible in time if you cultivate the essence inside of you and allow her to be named.

[MaryAnn40c]

I have the same problem....I really wish I could take a pill or a switch and change to a women.....I too am seeing a doctor to start my change over .

[Beverley Sims]

I think you are building too many brick walls ahead of yourself.
Go out and find out what the opportunities are for you.

I read Kelly Jamieson's insightful post and your reply.
I think you do need to make some positive moves now.

[dreamer_2.0]

But the point is love, that we're NOT male. Read up and learn all you can. There's so much about us out there. Take deliberate care, Ann

I'm happy things are so black and white for you. Seems like that would make some major life decisions a bit easier.

dreamer- why don't you choose a name? Perhaps it will seem more possible in time if you cultivate the essence inside of you and allow her to be named.

I've actually started to put more thought into naming her. Alas, loving so many different names makes that seemingly simple decision a challenge. Having said that, I agree, she must be named.

I think you are building too many brick walls ahead of yourself.
Go out and find out what the opportunities are for you.

I read Kelly Jamieson's insightful post and your reply.
I think you do need to make some positive moves now.

Thank you, Beverly. And, if I may, I must say that I really enjoy reading your comments either in my threads or others. You appear to have a very positive, supportive, attitude towards others. It's extremely appreciated.

As an aside, directed at everyone, I made a huge step last night and came out to a fairly close friend. He is gay so I figured he'd be accepting and supportive. I was fortunately correct. We had an excellent talk about what I'm feeling and discussed how he came to realize he was gay. I asked if he was ever confused by his internal feelings, wondering if he really was gay or not. He said that he was absolutely confused and that, initially, he wished he wasn't gay and wanted to be "normal". Interestingly, those are exactly my thoughts. I don't want to be TG or TS. I'd much prefer to not have these thoughts or internal struggles, but, they're here and not disappearing.

It is most certainly time to do something. Naming her would be an excellent start, I believe.

[Donna Joanne]

Dreamer,

I too struggled as you have. Are you seeing a therapist? And I haven't had any luck with support from gay men, because my being female has nothing to do with their sexuality. In my personal situation, sex has become a "non issue". You said your gay friend said "he wished he wasn't gay and wanted to be 'normal". I am normal, just in the wrong package. I was a Barbie that somehow wound up in Ken clothes in a Ken box. It has taken me 53 years to fully realize that, but then only with the help of a trained and qualified professional who's only relationship with me is that of a therapist; not a friend, family member, or loved one.

Through her questions and analysis of my life and psyche, she has helped me realize (not told me) that I am a woman, always have been, and always will be, no matter what I wear on my body, the length of my hair, and my anatomical body. I hope that if you are a woman too, you will find someone to help you realize this as well. You are who you are, and you really have no choice in that. And I am Donna. Hoping you find the peace that I now have.

[Marleena]

A related question, do you think it's possible to accept yourself as male?

Hi Dreamer if you're TS the answer is no, not likely unless you want to suffer greatly. If you're transgender the answer is maybe. You'll need to accept yourself as being transgender though. The gender therapist can help you come to the right conclusion about this.

[Inna]

I really haven't read all the answers due to time limitations. I have questioned one TG therapist who still practices with 35 years of TG experience behind her, and not just a therapist but a PHD research Psychologist specializing in Transgender studies, she sadly responded, that throughout her career, NOT ONE TG, GID diagnosed patients was able to achieve congruity without transition.
Many, who remained untransitioned, live their lives the best they can, Family, Children, Status, they all weigh heavily on their decision to remain tormented and live their lives for others.

Research proves that once born with GID, the only available CURE, so far, is to remodel the body to suit the Natal Brain Gender.

[Ann Louise]

But Dreamer_grl, it wasn't always so black and white. I cross-dressed for many years, and came out in that way, as a cross-dresser. Only after frequent sessions of gender counseling did I come to realize that I was certainly, at least, transgender (between the poles of M-F). And thereafter it was only through the most intense and honest introspection that I'd ever imposed upon myself that I came to understand and fully accept that I was transsexual. I consider this as my early "psychological transition." These weren't breakthrough events for me, either, but rather, ongoing personal insights that became more and more clear as my internal turmoil and dialog quieted down and I realized and accepted who I am. At this point my psychological transition continues, and my physical transition is underway. I feel sometimes like I'm writing music. Love yourself dear, Ann

[Marleena]

Just remember the term transgender is an umbrella term for all MTF's and everybody seems to argue about the definition and interpret it differently. So I change my answer to MAYBE you can live as a male. If you're actually TS my first answer applies.

[Donna Joanne]

But Dreamer_grl, it wasn't always so black and white. I cross-dressed for many years, and came out in that way, as a cross-dresser. Only after frequent sessions of gender counseling did I come to realize that I was certainly, at least, transgender (between the poles of M-F). And thereafter it was only through the most intense and honest introspection that I'd ever imposed upon myself that I came to understand and fully accept that I was transsexual.

Dreamer, Ann Louise summed it up so well. I too was a female trying to gain acceptance as a crossdresser. And I found it impossible to "figure it all out" alone. We all are works in progress, and as she said "Love yourself!"

[Jaylyn]

Dreamer I can't really help in the area you are thinking... I personally just love wearing women's clothing it makes me feel so sexy, feminine, ladylike, and I love the cosmetics and applying them to my face. I love the feel of smooth satiny nylon on my skin. Although on the flip side I als love being a masculine man. (maybe I'm really weird but I am happy in both bodies even if one is just a dress up. Since I retired at the ripe old age of 52 I have had a long while to wonder some of the thoughts that you are thinking, so I realized tis was never going to work. I can't be two sexed. I don't think I am Bi sexual although the thought has crossed my mind and seemed exciting to think about. I still enjoy women a lot and still love manly type activities... except I enjoy dressing like a silly, sexy, full make up women. I have come to the thinking just enjoy what you have and ake it the hottest and best that you can...just my thoughts on what you are saying. Just what ever you decide go for it it with all your heart.

[mary something]

I've actually started to put more thought into naming her. Alas, loving so many different names makes that seemingly simple decision a challenge. Having said that, I agree, she must be named.

think back to your childhood and the positive emotions you felt strongest and when, this will be your clue to a name that fits. I am Mary because I have always been maternal.

[I Am Paula]

Crossdressing masked it, alcohol supressed it for a while, but eventually the male had to go, and let the female preside. If you truly are TS, transitioning becomes not an option, but nesessity. If your GD is as bad as mine, you cannot accept yourself as male. I suffered for years, and when push came to shove, discovered that, at east at the beginning, transition is not an unnobtainable goal. I'm new to this, but at least now I can see the light at the end, so a great burden has been lifted.
In my limited experience the only thing I can say with certainty is don't wait as long as I did, it was all unessasary.