Another "coming out" thread

[VictoriaPaul]

I'll preface this by mentioning that I'm 23 and still live at home (lame, I know).

So a week ago I finally had the unexplained urge to start coming out (despite CDing in secret for 10 years and being satisfied with that).

I told my mom's best friend, who is 30 (my mom is 46, I know the age difference is huge, but they met in college and both now have math degrees and both grew up in the same country (Romania))

I expected her to be shocked, disgusted, or freak out about it, but amazingly, she was completely calm, neutral and non-chalant about it.

She promised not to tell anyone, and I'm not sure how far I should go with this.

My parents are totally accepting of gay and bisexual individuals and causes, but every time I've seen them react to CD's or TS's, they seemed disgusted or revolted.

My parents also have a lot on their mind right now, with my 3 medical issues, my mom's difficult job teaching math in an underprivileged high school, and my dad's high blood pressure and diabetes.

Should I ever come out to them? I think it would be a disaster, but I want the privilege to wear long loose skirts or dresses indoors. I'm getting tired of pants all the time.

[steeve]

but I want the privilege to wear long loose skirts or dresses indoors. I'm getting tired of pants all the time.

GO FOR IT and enjoy

[kimdl93]

I would take the first step of talking with your mother. It's likely that both will take it in stride, but you need to be a bit patient . Mostly, they will be concerned about your happiness and safety.

[Beverley Sims]

You have come out to your mothers friend, I would be guided by what she says.
Your mother went to university and there should be some background acceptance there.

[Amy Lynn3]

You could get a feel of how your Mom will react, by asking her friend to ask your Mom would she have a problem with a CD or TG, son or daughter.

[VictoriaPaul]

If her friend asked that, she might as well come out and spill the beans; its too obvious.

[docrobbysherry]

Personally? I would wait until I was out on my own and could satisfy my dressing desires. Then, in time you'll know where you're going with it! If u only need to dress occasionally, u may not feel the need to tell anyone. If it becomes part of your life style, the u MUST! Do u have plans to get out on your own?

U could discuss dressing with your mom now. But, it doesn't sound like you'd feel free to dress there no matter what their responses is.

[Jenniferathome]

Why do THEY need to know? You want to unburden yourself but do they need to know. If it was a wife or girlfriend, I say tell right away, but how will this new information affect your collective lives? Do you plan to dress at home with them there? Then you might want to say something. Dig a bit and really know "why"

[Rachelakld]

I see how it would benefit your life, but what benefit would your mum or dad get from knowing?
Perhaps the issues is the living at home?

[Dawn cd]

I think it's interesting that people fairly new to this site discover an impulse to come out to their spouses, parents, friends, etc. Do we put pressure on people to do this? There seems to be a consensus about being honest with spouses and SOs. Does this impel newcomers to come out to everyone?

[Aly Cat]

I actually came out to my spouse before finding this site. Fortunately, i found this site and got the support i needed to get through a really tough time after being rejected from my spouse.

[reb.femme]

Seriously, how much is rented accommodation near you? Can you afford to move into it? If your parents take this badly, then life becomes very difficult, if not impossible, very quickly. Also, you've told your mum's best friend, which puts pressure on her, as she is now keeping a secret from your mum.

Do your parents need to know yet? Probably not. As Sherry said, wait until you're out on your own. If they reject you, at least you aren't living in the trouble zone.

I would think long and hard before telling, based on what you have said so far. If you do tell, I sincerely hope it goes well for you!

Rebecca

[Sister Rachel]

I think Dawn asks a very pertinent question there.

Realistically, you need your own pad if your parents are of that mindset, until then I'd just spend more time in your own room, dressed however it pleases you. It's good that you 'fessed up to your mother's friend, it's a very nice experience when you take the plunge and find acceptance,isn't it?

"My parents are totally accepting of gay and bisexual individuals and causes, but every time I've seen them react to CD's or TS's, they seemed disgusted or revolted." ..

Maybe having made the big leap into the modern world on that score, they still have a residual need to find some group of "deviants" beyond the pale? A lot of gays choose to look down on transvestites in the same way that the mainstream world looked down on them!

Anyway, good luck and best wishes with it all, Victoria ..
.. and try a short, close fitting skirt once in a while, too x

[DebbieL]

I'll preface this by mentioning that I'm 23 and still live at home (lame, I know).

So a week ago I finally had the unexplained urge to start coming out (despite CDing in secret for 10 years and being satisfied with that).

I told my mom's best friend, who is 30 (my mom is 46, I know the age difference is huge, but they met in college and both now have math degrees and both grew up in the same country (Romania))

Sounds like your mom's friend might know your mom better than most.

I expected her to be shocked, disgusted, or freak out about it, but amazingly, she was completely calm, neutral and non-chalant about it.

She promised not to tell anyone, and I'm not sure how far I should go with this.

She shouldn't have to keep the burden to herself. You should talk to your family soon.

My parents are totally accepting of gay and bisexual individuals and causes, but every time I've seen them react to CD's or TS's, they seemed disgusted or revolted.

They are probably relatively ignorant. The don't understand the distinctions between drag queens, female impersonators, CDs, TGs, and TSs.

Your mom may already know, depending on how long you have been doing it. Remember, she has been cleaning your room, washing your clothes, and knows more about you than you know about yourself. She may be in denial, or just confused. If she is aware, she may be assuming the worst. There are so many things that get incorrectly associated with transgender behavior.

I would suggest that you think about where you stand. Are you an occaisional CD? Are you TS? Do you just want to wear skirts, or is your ultimate goal to be able to pass completely? How long have you been this way? How long have you been dressing? Have you wanted to be i girl? If I gave you a magic wand and you could turn yourself into a beautiful woman or the man you are now, and you could change whenever you wish, would you change often? Or would you become Victoria and stay that way most or all of the time?

My parents also have a lot on their mind right now, with my 3 medical issues, my mom's difficult job teaching math in an underprivileged high school, and my dad's high blood pressure and diabetes.

There is never a "good time" for news like this. On the other hand, you aren't a murderer, a prostitute, or a drug dealer. You haven't committed suicide. How long have you been "living in stealth"? Pretending to be what you are not? Pretending not to be what you are?
How can your parents truly show their love for YOU, when you won't show them one of the most important parts of your life.

Have you noticed that others seem to mistrust you without cause? Have you noticed that your parents struggle to know who you really are?

I came out to my parents when I was 32. Mom had known most of my life, but didn't want anyone to know. She was afraid something terrible would happen to me. Dad started to blame himself, because he knew he was "75% feminine". I let him know it was no one's fault, and that I loved him and hoped he still loved me, in whatever form.

I later learned that my mother was afraid that I would be treated the way they treated transsexuals in the 1950s and early 1960s, with electro-shock, or even lobotomy. She had been through electro-shock and insulin shock on a daily basis for a month at a time over a 2 year period, and wouldn't have wished it on her worst enemy, let alone her son.

When my dad was about to die, I came to take care of him. He said, "for once, could you be yourself?". I switched to Debbie. He was astonished at how "real" I was, and he even told me he got a chance to know the real me. He also apologized for not accepting earler. Later, when I was scratching his back and making him comfortable, he asked "how did you learn to take such good care of me?" I said "From you dad, from you!". He could barely move, but he asked me to give him a hug - bra and all.

It was the first time that I had no doubts that Dad really did accept Debbie.

Should I ever come out to them? I think it would be a disaster, but I want the privilege to wear long loose skirts or dresses indoors. I'm getting tired of pants all the time.

Do you have a grandmother in this country? My grandmother was the very first to accept Debbie, when I was 6 years old. She caught me snooping in her drawers and said "I have something to show you, but you can't tell grandpa". She took me downstairs to the cellar, and showed me to a closet filled with dresses. There were prom dresses, bridesmaid dresses, church dresses, and a variety of other pretty dresses. There were also a few suits as well. She told me I could play down there for as long as I wanted. The following year my cousin also came down to the closet and interrupted me. He said "Grandma showed you the closet too?" I nodded. Eventually 3 of the girl cousins and 3 of the boy cousins were spending most of our time together in that cellar.

Unfortunately, on of the boy cousins killed himself when he was 12 years old. The other killed himself when he was 15. I still wonder if it was because they played in the closet, or if was because they couldn't reconcile their fundamentalist Christian parents and grandfather with their gender issues. I know that the one who died at 15 was also gay because he tried to kiss me.

If you had a fatal disease, that was treatable, and the chances of dying if untreated was 60% or more, and the chances of having a happy and wonderful life after treatment was 90% or more, would you try to keep your disease a secret and avoid treatment?

Here's the bad news. In a survey of 1.2 million transgenders, including CDs through TSs, half of those who responded had tried to commit suicide, many multiple times, most using methods that should have killed them. Of those who were "out", 95% were happier, more successful, and more productive than they had ever been.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide.